Prelude
Chapter 12
Reid watched as Emily Prentiss was enrolled in the Jason Gideon School of Chess. His mentor's face was animated, happy for the new challenge. And the newest member of the BAU team seemed equally as engaged.
Despite feeling a twinge of jealousy, Reid was glad to have some time alone to himself. He needed to think, to process. So much had happened in the past few months, and he'd been finding it difficult to focus. So, as he'd become accustomed to doing, he'd removed himself to the far end of the plane and laid a book open before him. Only JJ ever seemed to realize it was a sham.
So much had changed for all of them. Beginning, he realized, with the case that had brought his mother to the BAU. Because it had also almost cost Elle her life. And it had definitely cost the female profiler a sense of security. Even in her own home, she hadn't been safe.
It's no wonder she decompensated. When could she let down? Not in the field. And definitely not at home. Home wasn't safe.
He couldn't imagine not having a safe haven, a place where he could move his thoughts away from the depravity and carnage he dealt with on an almost daily basis. Once he'd realized how Elle must have felt, Reid thanked whatever powers were in charge of the universe for his books, and his music, and his favorite reading chair. And for the ability to sleep at night without the vision of an unsub tainting his sacred space.
He'd known there was something wrong with her the moment she came back. She'd gone rogue on Hotch, trying to bring Reid along with her, all in the guise of trying to help a little boy caught up in a trafficking ring. It had been a low-stakes 'rogue operation', with little chance that anyone would get hurt. But Reid also recognized it as a significant change in her behavior. And he knew it might be a harbinger of more dangerous lapses in judgment. But he didn't know what to do about it.
He was the youngest, least experienced agent on the team. And he was also inexperienced in friendship. Save for the one he had with JJ, and a very few others along the way, all of the relationships in his life had been either too transient or too troubled. But he did have experience with JJ. And she had known how to help him when he'd been in crisis over having killed that unsub. She'd reached out to him, and invited him to talk.
He determined to do the same with Elle. They'd gotten easy with each other over the year or so they'd worked together. But then, the assault occurred. And, when she'd come back, that ease had hardened. Elle had hardened. So Reid had found it necessary to gather his courage before knocking on the door of her hotel room. Once admitted, he found he didn't really know how to go about drawing her out. Too late, he realized that JJ had skillfully used small talk to put him at ease until he was ready to open up. But Reid wasn't good with small talk. He didn't know how to be anything but direct. And so, he was.
Elle was direct as well. But he didn't understand the emotional impact of what she was telling him. Still, he did notice the alcohol, and it troubled him. She was emotionally upset, and now was also dulling her reflexes….and her inhibitions. She'd offered him a drink, which he'd accepted. But he'd had just the one. He could see that it was neither her first, nor her last, of the evening.
And then, the inevitable. Elle had gone off script once again. But this time she included her weapon. She shot an unsub…a rapist. An unarmed rapist, who wasn't in the act of attacking anyone. No one spoke the obvious. They all let the implication of an honest shoot land in the paperwork. But they all knew.
Reid tried to talk to Morgan about it after the fact, feeling like he'd let her down somehow, by not being able to turn her, and yet not involving anyone else. But Morgan had absolved him of responsibility, saying it was all up to Elle. She was the only person who could have stopped her.
Thinking back on that conversation now, Reid smiled to himself. His relationship with Morgan was definitely evolving. When they'd first met, they'd walked wide circles around one another, Reid quite literally afraid of the larger man, and Morgan seemingly afraid Reid's geekiness would prove to be contagious. But they were gradually finding common ground, and mutual respect. And, though neither of them realized it yet, the rudiments of a real kinship.
The next thing Reid knew, Elle was gone. Just….gone. From the team, and from his life. And, although he knew Garcia would be able to track her down, he'd gained enough interpersonal skill to know that it wouldn't be right. That if Elle wanted them in her life, she would reach out. But she wasn't doing so.
In all this time, and despite their friendship, Reid had said nothing to JJ. He couldn't explain it, even to himself….but it would have felt like a betrayal. And so, he kept it to himself.
But then the new agent had arrived. Emily Prentiss. An ambassador's daughter, knocking around several other services within the FBI before landing with the BAU. When she came, Reid was confronted with how much he really didn't like change. It was one thing to lose someone, and altogether another thing to get used to someone new. He started to withdraw a bit from the experience and, in the process, from his team members as well. Until one day in the BAU a few weeks ago...
"Pack your stuff, Spence. Time to go."
It was only four in the afternoon. Reid looked up at JJ, standing beside his desk.
"Time to go where? Do we have a case?"
"Nope."
He was puzzled. "Then what? We can't leave early."
"Actually, yes, we can. We've got so much comp time coming it's not even funny."
"But I've got to finish these files."
JJ took the one he was holding out of his hand and put it back on top of his stack.
"Tomorrow. Come on."
Not sensing a choice in the matter, and completely curious now, Reid did as ordered. He packed his messenger bag and followed JJ to the elevators, and then to the parking lot, where she took his arm and brought him to her vehicle.
"We'll come back for yours later."
Even as he was getting in her car, he quizzed her. "JJ, where are we going?"
She waited until she was pulling out of the lot to answer. "Hot chocolate."
Oh. She needs to talk. Okay, sure.
Aloud, he said. "Why didn't you just say so?"
She flashed him a sideways glance. "Because I wasn't sure you would come."
He didn't understand. "Why wouldn't I? You know I'm always there to listen when you need to talk."
She gave him a look, and then chuckled to herself. "It's not me who needs to talk, Spence."
From the corner of her eye, she could see the blush rising. But she couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or angry.
"You okay?" she asked.
Not embarrassed. Not angry. Snarky.
"Apparently not."
At the same time that she was surprised to hear it in his voice, JJ was also aware that it marked a watershed moment in their relationship. He was so comfortable with her now that he could allow himself to be irritated with her, and to show it. But she knew enough not to point out this sign of success to him in the moment.
"Spence." She paused, trying to think of how to say it. "I'm not trying to make you upset. I hope you know that. I just….well, not just me, I think, but…..I've noticed a change in you recently. You're too quiet. You've kind of removed yourself from the rest of us. Even me."
He closed his eyes, going somewhere in his head, making JJ wish she could follow him. She gave thanks when she saw their destination a short distance down the street.
They both exited the car in silence and Reid held the door for JJ to enter the coffee shop ahead of him. Mandy wasn't on shift yet, but Reid's younger admirer was behind the coffee bar. When Reid suggested JJ get their table while he ordered, she declined.
"I'll wait with you. It's not crowded, anyway."
A little voice….a very little one…way in the back of her mind…..said, Right, JJ. You just feel like waiting with him today. Nothing to do with the pretty little barista. Nope, nothing at all.
When they had their drinks….Reid's with a particularly large mound of whipped cream….they made their way to 'their' table. And then sat in silence for minutes. But this silence felt uncharacteristically strained.
He wasn't making eye contact, and JJ knew she would have to break into whatever part of his head he'd gone to visit.
"Spence." She reached a hand across the table to tap one of his. "Is something wrong? Did something happen? Please tell me. I just want to help."
Both the hot chocolate and the nearness of JJ began to melt something inside Reid. And he was surprised to realize what it was. But he wasn't at all sure he knew how to explain it.
JJ waited patiently now, able to tell from a slight shift in his facial expression that Reid would, eventually, answer. Several more minutes passed before he did.
He started off by staring at the table, hot chocolate in his hands.
"It probably won't surprise you to hear this, but…." He flashed his eyes to hers, and then back down, "…. I don't make friends easily."
He chanced another look, and could see that she was smiling. He offered a soft chuckle at his own expense.
"So, when I do…..I don't let go easily either."
Understanding crept into JJ's eyes. He hadn't shared with her the full extent of his burden over Elle, but she did know that he'd been fond of his fellow profiler. And that, before her trauma, Elle had been kind to Reid.
The young genius was still struggling to find the right way to explain. But it was requiring an introspection that he'd been avoiding. And what he was learning about himself was difficult.
"So, when Elle left…..it….was hard, I guess. I'd thought we were friends. And I knew she was in trouble. And I tried to help, but….I just wasn't good enough at it. I wasn't enough for her."
JJ squinted at him. "Spence? What do you mean by that?"
He looked at her briefly, and then cast his eyes away, out the window. He explained about his concern, and their conversation, and how he felt like he should have been able to do more. JJ gave him the same advice that Morgan had.
"That wasn't inexperience with friendship, Spence. You did the right thing. It was just that Elle was too…..hurt….damaged by the attack, I guess. She needed a friend, yes. And, from what you've said, she did respond to you. You probably helped her more, in that moment, than you know. But she needed a professional, and she wouldn't accept that. You can't take responsibility for it."
He nodded, slowly, eyes back to the table. JJ hadn't had this much trouble getting him to look at her since he'd first arrived at the BAU.
"That's what Morgan said. And….I guess I believe you. I mean, I do get it. But…..I just don't know. I don't feel like a very good friend."
More understanding came to JJ. "You mean….to Elle, or to anyone?"
His silence spoke volumes.
"Spence….you're one of my best friends. No, scratch that. You are my best friend. There's no one I trust more to help me work through things, or even just to know when I'm having a bad day."
Because, she knew, she no longer tried to hide it from him. She kept something of her professional persona up before all of the rest of the team, but not with Reid. It felt good to be able to let down with someone.
He reached across and squeezed her hand. "I'm glad you feel that way about me. I feel the same way."
She sent one eyebrow up. "You do? Because it hasn't felt like it lately."
He was duly chastised. "Sorry." He paused before adding, "It won't happen again."
"It better not." They both smiled at that. Then JJ pushed him further. "So, best friend….I can tell there's more to this. Spill."
This required less reflection on his part. He'd known it the minute Emily Prentiss showed up.
"I hate it when I have to meet new people. I hate knowing that they'll think I'm weird."
It had happened to him all his life. The Boy Wonder. The Baby Genius. The Geek. The Nerd. And many, many, much worse appelations. In Reid's life, most of the new people who formed a first impression didn't bother to stick around to form a second one.
"You think Emily thinks you're weird?"
He rolled his eyes at her. "JJ, I am weird."
He was frustrating her, and she had to take a moment to soothe her temper, and gather her thoughts. It seems like it's always two steps forward, and one step back.
"Really." She thought a moment more. "Tell me. Is 'weird' the same as 'unique'?
"No, but…"
"No 'buts'. Everybody is unique, Spence. Everybody is different. And we're not in school any more. We're all adults, and we're capable of acting that way."
She saw he was about to protest, and continued hurriedly. "I know you still run into it sometimes. I'm there with you, remember? But those aren't our colleagues who are making those remarks. Emily is different. She's a member of our team. And you have to give her the same chance…the same respect….that you'd like her to give you."
She knew what she said was true. They weren't in school anymore. But it was also true that some of the LEOs they encountered made no effort to hold back their humorless humor about her colleague.
Reid recognized the truth as well. He'd just never looked at it that way. That he was treating Emily the very way he feared she would treat him. He was making unfounded assumptions.
"I'm right, Spence. Right?"
He nodded. "Right."
Now he looked directly at her, and JJ felt a sense of triumph.
"Do you think it's too late? Have I made her not like me?"
JJ smiled at him. "I think she's just waiting to be able to get to know you. Will you let her?"
He smiled back. "I will. Who knows? Maybe we'll have something in common."
Now, weeks later, he watched his new friend Emily as she played with Gideon. He saw the moves that lay before both of them. And he wondered if she would see. If she would know what to do.
They were returning from one of the most unusual cases anyone in the BAU could remember. A terrorist threat that sorted the team's members into three locations. A bomb that might have cost the lives of two of their number. Reid would never forget the fear he'd seen on his mentor's face at the thought that, once again, he'd lost part of his team. Nor would he forget the relief he's seen when Hotch and Morgan were accounted for, and whole. But, mostly, he would never forget the look of relief and triumph on Gideon's face when he successfully duped the terror cell leader. He'd won. And Reid had been thrilled for him.
Now, the protege watched as his new colleague waged a chess battle with his mentor. He wondered, again, if she would see. If she would know what to do.
Emily sensed his gaze on her, and threw her eyes his way, flashing a brief smile. In that moment, Reid knew what she would do. And he knew JJ had been right. Sometimes you just have to give people a chance. Especially if you want them to give you one.
He returned Emily's smile and watched as she made her move, and let Jason Gideon continue to enjoy the triumph of his day.