12

A whole week had passed and he still hadn't mentioned the weekend away again, despite calling her every day as had become routine. She was starting to get antsy. Had he changed his mind? Had he decided it was a silly idea? Did he think that by not mentioning it, she would forget all about it? She was dying to bring the subject up, but something prevented her from doing so. The thought of him knowing just how prominent he was in her thoughts made her feel self-conscious and she had to keep reminding herself that he had only just separated from his wife. This weekend away; it was just two friends going away. It didn't mean anything - probably.

It was one thing to tell herself that, but it was another to truly believe it. She couldn't help suspecting that there was a good chance this weekend would bring significant changes one way or another. She had to admit, however, that there was still a part of her that was worried that even if something happened between them, he would ultimately end up going back to Kathy. She had this awful train of thought where they would finally get together, but that afterwards he would realise he had been so much better off with his wife and run back to her. She knew it was probably more a reflection of her own self-doubts than of anything else, but the scenario still relentlessly played out at the back of her mind. She hadn't exactly had all that much luck with love so far in her life, she thought wistfully.

She had never really been all that shy between the sheets, but as she had grown older she had become more confident about showing what she wanted and was less inhibited in many ways. That said, she had still never truly let herself go, but had always remained guarded to a certain point. With Brian, it had been nice, but he had been quite predictable and they had quickly established a routine to their love-making, that had got the job done effectively so to speak, but it still left her feeling like there was something missing. Funnily enough, the person she remembered with the most fondness was someone she had barely dated: in fact they had only seen each other a few times before they had gone their separate ways, but the couple of occasions they had consummated their relationship, it had been liberating, certainly the closest she had ever come to feeling completely free to be herself in the bedroom.

The thought of getting that close, hopefully even closer, to Elliot, however much it intrigued her on one primal level, also terrified her. It was mind-blowing to imagine what it would be like to become intimate after all those years as partners, interacting more like brother and sister in many ways. She wondered what expectations he might have of her and worried if she would live up to them. Their mutual attraction had been bubbling under the surface for so long, she wondered if he had built up an ideal of what it would be like to be with her in his head and she knew that reality was more often than not at odds with what the mind could conjure up. She couldn't help fearing that he might be disappointed and regret taking things that far. Once it was done, there would be no going back after all.

The thought was so terrifying, that part of her almost hoped that he had reconsidered and decided a weekend away wouldn't be appropriate. The sensible part of her told herself to stop playing things so safe and to take a risk for once in her life. Why shouldn't she have the chance at happiness? Surely she deserved that? What if she was getting this all wrong though and he had no interested in pursuing anything serious with her. What if he really did intend for them to just go away as friends? The whole subject was making her head spin.

He called as usual later on that day. Only this time he surprised her, telling her he was downstairs! She buzzed him up, rushing into her bedroom to retrieve her clothes where she had flung them onto a chair. Lately she had begun changing into her pyjamas before talking with him on the phone, for more often that not their conversation would last for hours and she'd finish the call curled up on her bed. Once he left she would curl up under the sheets, with her hand between her legs, imagining it was his not her own, then she would allow herself the release she craved, before quickly falling asleep, a warm-feeling in her stomach as his voice and imagined touch lulled her into a place of deep relaxation.

Him actually showing up had been the last thing she had expected. She just about managed to pull her clothes on in time when she heard him pushing the door open. She had put it on the latch when she had confirmed it was him downstairs. Flustered and slightly out of breath, she hurried out of the bedroom, smoothing down her top as she went.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded and hurriedly slipped past him into the kitchen.

"Tea?" she asked

"Sure," he replied, an amused smile on his face that made her feel even more embarrassed. She concentrated on filling the kettle and preparing the teapot and cups, trying to return to a state of calm.

"I hope you don't mind me just turning up like this," he said.

"Of course not," she replied. She wasn't sure what he thought she had been doing, but to her horror it suddenly occurred to her that perhaps his mind was going to a completely different place.

"You just caught me while I happened to be getting changed into my pyjamas!" she explained. "I hurriedly put my clothes back on when you told me you were here, which is why I was a little flustered. OK?"

"You didn't need to bother getting dressed on my account!" he replied, flashing her one of his infuriatingly arrogant grins.

"Right, because I always sit around in my pyjamas when I have guests," she retorted sarcastically.

"I don't care what you're wearing," he said, catching her gaze so intently that she immediately felt herself blush. She looked away, turning her attention to the kettle. She hated the way he had the innate ability to make her feel so completely out of control like this.

"Well I do!" she said quickly, trying to ignore the rush of sensation she felt as a result of his words and stare. She could sense his eyes boring into her even though she couldn't actually see for sure.

"I just thought, since we'd be talking on the phone all night anyway, I may as well come over."

"It's fine. I'm glad you came." She raised her head and forced a smile.

He watched her as the kettle boiled and she finished making the tea and he thanked her when she handed him his cup. They settled on the sofa, placing the cups on the coffee table before sinking back against the cushions.

"So I was thinking we should get an early start next weekend," he said.

"So we're still on then?"

"Of course."

"You didn't mention it, so I wondered if you had changed your mind."

"No way!"

She smiled, pleased.

"I booked us a little log cabin."

"Sounds nice," she said, once again feeling her stomach muscles clench in nervous anticipation.

"It even has showers!" he added.

"I should hope so!" she said in a tone that drew a chuckle from him.

"One day I'm taking you out camping in the wilderness!" he said with a teasing grin. "It'll be just you, me and a tent. No showers, no hairdryers, no toilets even."

"Yeah, dream on!"

"Oh come on, it's not that bad."

"Can we just change the subject?" she said, rolling her eyes.

"So an early start next Friday is ok?" he said with a slightly exaggerated air of exasperation.

"How early are we talking?"

"I was thinking I'd come and pick you up at around five?"

"Five in the morning?! I hope you're joking!"

"It takes three or four hours to drive up there. That way we get four whole days."

"Would an hour or two later really make that much difference?"

"I guess not."

He looked so disappointed she almost caved in, but instead decided on attempting a compromise.

"Let's make it six thirty. That way we still get there well before lunch and you don't get to spend the weekend with me half dead from lack of sleep!"

"Alright," he agreed.

"So do I need to bring anything special?" she asked curiously.

"No, just your clothes and the usual stuff; toothbrush etc. Oh but you'll need some good footwear for walking."

"I figured that much."

"I can't believe you've never been up there before."

"I'm surprised you have, given the hours you used to work."

"True, he chuckled.

"So do you miss it?"

"Yeah, sometimes, although I think I missed you more than I did the actual job. To be honest I had really had enough long before the whole thing with Jenna. It gets you down day in day out. I almost suspected you might move on yourself actually."

"You thought I wouldn't want to cope without you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, slightly irritated at the idea that he thought she wouldn't be able to carry on without him or something. She supposed he would love to think that.

"No, not at all! I knew you would be fine without me. That's not what I meant at all. I meant purely the nature of the job being what it is, that's all."

"Oh right" she said.

"Why do you always assume I'm thinking badly of you, Olivia?"

The question surprised her, as did the use of her full name, a sure sign of his frustration. She had to admit she hadn't really thought about it like that.

"Because I don't you know," he added.

"I know," she faltered.

"But do you really?" he asked. He suddenly stood, picking up his cup and taking it over to the kitchen sink. She stared after him. He seemed upset. She heard him sigh.

"El…?" she said questioningly.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It's no wonder you're unsure where you stand, after I walked away like I did."

"It's okay," she said. "We've been through all this already. I understand why you left."

"It's not okay," he said sadly. "But I promise you I will make it up to you and one day you'll believe that I'm here to stay this time."

"You don't have to make any promises."

"Yes I do."

They lapsed into silence. He returned to the sofa and put his head in his hands.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, deciding that a change in subject might be good.

"I ate before I came," he replied. "Are you?"

"No, not really, I ate earlier too."

Once again there was silence.

"Do you mind if I put the TV on?" she asked after a minute or two.

"No, not at all," he said. He sounded almost relieved.

She flicked on the switch. It was strange how much easier it was to talk to him on the phone than face to face. Having him in such close proximity, put her on edge and she found herself analysing everything she said and did, worrying how he might interpret it. She knew it was nerves: a kind of sexual tension that had built up to such an extent that she could barely think straight when he was in the same room. Every time he glanced at her, she could feel her heart rate start to quicken; every time he complimented her, she found herself unable to accept it, for it was easier to dismiss than to really think about what he might mean behind it.

They watched a couple of comedy shows, laughing at the same places, commenting at the same inane actions of the protagonists. It was much less nerve-racking to have something else to focus on other than each other. A couple of hours passed before they knew it and eventually Elliot made his excuses and left. There was a point where he kind of leaned towards her and for half a second she held her breath as she genuinely thought he might be leaning in for a kiss, but he pulled back at the last moment and she exhaled, feeling a curious mix of both relief and disappointment.

"Night Liv," he said softly.

"Night El," she replied. She locked and bolted the door behind him.

…

The following Friday morning, he rang her phone at bang on six thirty to let her know he was downstairs and waiting. She grabbed her bag, stifling the yawn and made her way downstairs.

"Morning!" she heard from the backseat as she made herself comfortable. She spun around in surprise and saw Dickie.

"Morning!" she said awkwardly, her mind racing. Dickie was coming? She had assumed it would just be the two of them, but now she racked her brains trying to remember if he had actually mentioned at some point that his son would be present. Maybe she had just jumped to conclusions when she had assumed it would just be the two of them. Elliot had clearly said that they were going away as 'friends', but she was certain he hadn't mentioned bringing his son. Was this some kind of attempt to prove to him that there really was nothing going on between them? She immediately regretted agreeing to this. How was she supposed to survive a weekend pretending that she wasn't the slightest bit attracted to Elliot with his son there? She could feel the panic building. How was she going to get out of this? What had she been thinking?

"Shall we get going?" Elliot asked cheerfully.

Unable to think of any good excuse to get out of this now she was actually in the car, her bags packed and ready to go, reluctantly she nodded, turning her head away to stare out of the passenger window, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were annoyingly threatening to fall. Disappointed didn't even begin to describe how she felt right now. This was quite possibly going to be the worst weekend of her life.