A/N- I'm planning on updating the next episode later today or tomorrow. I can't wait for October! UnIfOrMs! All of the of the subconcious stuff in the colons is something I took from a book called Wintergirls. Enjoy!

The Secret's Out

I sat down in class, fully prepared for what had to happen. Clare greeted me enthusiastically, a brilliant smile on her face. I nodded back before turning to the front. I could hear her. Every broken whisper and downcast sigh.

It has to be done.

If I really liked her as much as I claimed to, then I had to be strong. We couldn't be together. I knew what happened when I got close to people. Death. It was as simple as that. The entire situation was black and white. The difference between being with me and not being with me; life and death. Clare was too important for me to let her die, so I couldn't be with her. At least, that's what I convinced myself. That kiss, from Clare's scene, was not just acting. I felt it and she sure as hell felt it too. Then with my scene while she was Clara. She was stunning; I just wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless. But as I was kissing her, finally, I remembered something. A person that has haunted me since too, too long ago.

One of the many skeletons in my closet; Julia. Then it all came crumbling down. Every interaction and memory of her came rushing back to me. Guilty remarks attacking me, piercing my conciousness.

::Why are you kissing her?Don't you love Julia?You killed aren't allowed to be happy!You lived::

I felt like crying. Breaking down like so many times prior, but I didn't. There were no more tears left to cry for her. For the girl that once held my heart. I had to be strong.

::You lived::

The bell rang after fifty long minutes of whispering between Adam, who had transferred into our class, and Clare behind me and listening to Ms. Daws ramble on and on about our projects.

I hightailed it out of there. Any extra interaction with my favorite blue-eyed girl might undermine my decision. Thankfully, English was the only class we had together. I walked past her locker, eyes unconciously scanning the now crowded hall for a familiar head of ginger hair. "Hey, Eli!" I jumped, startled when Adam put his hand on my shoulder. He raised his eyebrows, disbelieving. Usually nothing could scare me, but his saying hi practically gave me a heart attack. So the mighty have fallen. "Dude, what's got you so jumpy?" I just rolled my eyes and kept walking. He knew what was going on. I'd told Adam after he bugged me for a week straight about why I wasn't with Clare. Let's just say I'm not good under pressure.

"Nothing, man. I just have a lot on my mind." He glared.

"Like why you're totally ignoring Clare?" He challenged blatantly. I grimaced.

"I don't want to talk about this right now Adam." I stated, quickening my pace. He stayed right beside me.

"You know, one of these days she's going to get tired of all of your little games Eli. What are you going to do then?" Adam stated. "When she gets tired of all of the secrets, lies, and deception. Clare's smart. I know she likes you and that you like her but she won't wait forever. She'll move on with someone else like Fitz." My heart skipped a beat. "Or maybe she'll get back with her ex, K.C." I wanted him to stop. Just the thought of Clare being with someone else hurt. My heart felt like it would stop beating any second. "And then you'll have to watch what you could have had from a distance because you weren't man enough to be with her." I swallowed. My throat was too dry.

"They don't deserve her." I croaked out, my voice small. He glared back at me.

"And you do? How many times has she told you to end all of the stuff with Fitz? How many times have you promised her that you'd end it? Lied to her. Led her on. I want you to be happy with her but Clare is my friend too. I don't want to watch her suffer." With that he walked away. I stood rigidly. What had I done?

One week. Two. Three. Four. Five. It didn't make a difference how long it went on. Each day was the same. Clare had taken to ignoring me now as well. No fun in talking to someone who's unresponsive. I'd caught her watching our films for English after school once. She looked heartbroken. I could here the 'click' of the delete button. One for every tear she'd shed for me. I just kept on walking. It didn't concern me anymore.

I went out to my car. Morty had berely made it to school this morning so I knew it would need work before I left to go home. I popped the hood of the car tiredly before sliding into the front seat of. I blasted my music and closed my eyes in a lame attempt to erase Clare's heartbroken face from my mind. Then, as if I had willed her to me, I heard her calling my name. My eyes flew open, my head turning to her. My body reacted first. I smiled like an idiot in love, which I was, and almost reached over to kiss her again.

::You killed her::

And that did the trick. In a split second my smile had been replaced with a frown, my mood had plummeted, and I was sober once more. "We need to talk." The three words you never want to hear. However, since we weren't dating she couldn't break up with me. I knew what was coming though. Clare was a fighter. She wouldn't give up on me that quickly, even if I deserved for her to.

"What exactly do we have to talk about?" I asked icily, climbing out of my car. I could have just stayed in. I should have just stayed in, but I couldn't bring myself to stay that far from her after so long without contact. Instead, I grabbed some tools and attempted to work on Morty.

"That kiss from yesterday wasn't just acting! There's something between us Eli! I feel it and I think you do to. So I need to know, do you like me or do you just enjoy playing with people's hearts? I can't take you avoiding me anymore!" She looked so frustrated. I wanted to go over there and tell her that I like her, too much I think, and that I'd felt something since I first looked into her brilliant blue eyes. I wanted to kiss her until her hair was musssed and her lips were swollen. There was so many things I wanted to say, things I should have said, but I didn't. Instead, like the coward I was, I took the easy way out.

"I'm sorry I led you on." I must be strong. If not for me, then for her. But when her eyes got glassy and began to water I looked down in shame. I had done his to her. Adam was right. I was just a liar, no better than Fitz or K.C.

"Wow! I can't believe you Eli! I poured my heart and soul out to you, but no matter what you just keep pushing me away!" Her voice dropped down. "I can't wait forever." Then she walked over to her bike and rode off. Just like Julia did. The last thing I'd said to her was "You're such an idiot."

What if the last thing I ever said to Clare was, "I'm sorry for leading you on"? I choked back a sob. I hadn't gone after Julia. But now there was no way I was letting Clare go. Not when I just found her. Just began piecing my life back together. I wouldn't survive it again. So I ran. Hard. Because my life depended on it.

"Wait! Clare!" I spotted her bike up ahead. I remember one of the days I'd skipped English with Adam. We had been reading comics when he brought it up.

"So, Clare wants to know what's up with all of he mystery." He'd started a little hesitantly. In my mind I was scared that he'd told her my deep dark secret. The reason we weren't together, but he started talking again. "I didn't tell her, I wouldn't do that, but you should. This is killing her Eli." I had flashed him a look. What did he know about death? "Look, she may not be six feet under but you are turning her into a shell of the Clare we both know and love. If you don't tell her then I just might."Of course, I'd been shocked. How could he betray me like that? I hadn't seen it for what it was. He didn't want to see me or her suffer. I wasn't being fair. I'm still being unfair. But I'm trying. More willing to let her in.

"She doesn't need to know, Adam." I'd stated calmly. She wouldn't and couldn't find out. Of course he stated otherwise and I'd sighed

"Whenever I'm near her all I can think about is getting her to kiss me. The last time I had thoughts like that the girl ended up dead. I'd rather be able to watch Clare live from a distance than wonder when she'll be snatched away from me while kissing her." I said sadly. "So just shut up and read your comic."

The sun was too hot for this outfit. Step. Step. Step. I called her again and again. Finally, she stopped. Either she heard me or decided to stop ignoring me. Either way I was eternally grateful. "Clare!" I stated relieved. Just loving the way her name tasted on my tounge. I was gasping for breath, but all I could register were the dried trails on her face from her tears.

I needed to fix this.

"Please," I huffed, "l need you to come with me." She looked at me with the most aghast and disbelieving look ever. Could I blame her though? I had just blatantly rejected her and then asked for her to come with me.

"Why in the world would I do that?" She said, crossing her arms.

"Trust me. Please, Clare. I think it's time we go for a drive." She looked down, seeming to contemplate that. Personally, I didn't expect her to say yes. I deserved it.

"Fine. Meet me at your house okay?" I smiled, nodding frantically.

"Sure."

She was there. Just like she said she'd be. By the time I pulled up with Morty Clare was sitting on one of the steps that led to the front door of my house. I stepped out of my car, not bothering to turn it off. We'd be leaving soon. "Eli, I need to know why you don't like me." Clare blurted out. I froze. No. No. No. We weren't already back to 'Let's be friends' are we? We just had the breakup talk and we're already having the friends one. She was moving much too fast. I was hoping for more time...

"Clare-"

"Because, if you can't tell me I'm not sure if I can be around you any more. It hurts too much." She finished quietly. Rather than using my mouth to royally screw up this situation, I took her hand and led her to the car. Adam was right; she had to know.

The drive was silent. I didn't put on any music, for fear of it making her even more upset, and I didn't know what to say. The closer we got to our destination the more choked up I felt. Like I was reliving the memory all over again. I wanted to hold Clare's hand. To feel her comfort, but she didn't offer it. Not this time or any other for that matter until this was finally out in the open.

I stopped Morty. We sat uncomfortably for about a minute before Clare finally cracked.

"So this is the the part where you drop me off in the middle of nowhere and I have to find my way home, because that would be the funniest joke ever! You're messed up, Eli!" She shot at me vehemently.
I looked down.

"Your right. I am messed up. I-" I took a shuddering breath in. "I like you too much to just be friends, but I can't be with you. I don't deserve to! I-" I stopped to take a breath. She needed to know.

::

"This is where I killed my girlfriend." I stated evenly. Emotionlessly. Her face flickered from one emotion to another. Shock, confusion, scared, concerned, then she finally settled on disbelief.

"E-excuse me!" I should have expected that response. People don't just accept something like this.

"We had been fighting. A lot. I was driving and I took my eyes off the road for a second to yell at her. A truck ran into us. To make a long story short, I lived and she died." I wish I had more tears. Then I could cry. I could allow all feeling to drain from my body. I could feel numb and empty and free from the guilt her death left behind. Clare's face crumpled.

"I-I'm so sorry." I choked back a sob. I may not be able to cry but that doesn't change the fact that I was suffocating under the weight of the load I carried.

"It was my fault and now she's dead. It should have been me! Why should I get to be happy?" I looked up at Clare. Tears were running down her face again. But this time it wasn't because of me, it was for me. Clare reached over and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. I hugged her back. Holding her to me as if her touch was my life jacket in the sea of despair I'd been drowning in.

"I don't want you to die Clare." I whispered. She held me tighter.

"I won't. Eli, every time I see you in the hall and I can't talk to you it breaks my heart. Being away from you is killing me. I understand if you need time, but please don't shut me out. I want to help you." She kissed my forehead and smiled at me. How did I end up with someone as amazing as the girl in front of me? I didn't know the answer to that but rather than contemplating it I accepted it.

"Thank you."

A/N- So who saw All Falls Down pt2? I was a bit mad. Only 30 minutes for the final episode of the season. A bit of a letdown no? Well there are only two more chapters after this. Then I'm going on to deleted scenes like Eli and Clare at the Western dance or when he gives her the headphones. I'm so psyched for October! Did anyone see goth Clare in the preview?

To all Degrassi lovers, Review if you thought any of the following:

Drew's mom is a b*tch!

Alli is a mega tease;)

Bianca is the ultimate antagonist:(

Eli had it coming but it sucks that they're on the rocks...