Chapter 12: A Million Hands
Goku washed, dressed, and, as Sanzo looked for the book he'd promised him, went to get them a late breakfast. As he passed one of Kanzeon Bosatsu's chapels he had the urge to go inside and talk to her. He had a lot on his mind and felt the need to talk it through. Se was kind, or so the monks said, so perhaps se wouldn't mind being a sounding board for his tumbled thoughts. He closed the door, so nobody would disturb him and decided to ask for her advice directly, as if the statue, golden, with ivory clothing and lapis lazuli hair, was a real person.
"I love him, Bosatsu, but he thinks of me as a child who doesn't know what he wants and maybe in some ways I don't, but I sure about this, more sure than I've ever been about anything." And to his immense astonishment the image's eyes came to life and gazed back at him, deep blue and lustrous. Then the statue spoke to him kindly.
"Do you understand what it is you're asking for? Just what you're offering to share with him?" Goku's eyes widened.
"You can really speak through the statue? I thought that was just a …what's the word?" His eyes were wide and there was wonder on his face.
"Metaphor. Usually it is, but I find you very entertaining, so when you spoke to me, I came!" The statue smiled mischievously and shifted to a more comfortable position, with one graceful, golden foot hanging just above the floor. Se leaned forward on hir lotus pedestal, hir lapis lazuli hair falling about hir face in ordered ringlets.
"Wow!" Said Goku "You're much prettier when you relax and I can see a bit of who you are! It's so much easier to walk up to you and talk with you now than when you were a stiff, formal statue!"
Kanzeon laughed. "And you, my dear, are a tiny charmer! No wonder he resists so hard for fear of taking you too young and hurting you. He had a very soft spot for you in his last life. I can see that hasn't changed!"
"He said we had a karmic bond and I believe him, but coming from you it seems more…real somehow."
"I imagine it might!" Kanzeon smiled again. "He loves you as much as you love him and the fact that he waits is an expression of that, so be patient, little one, and you'll have everything you want and more. Are you sure you understand what you're asking for? Are you certain you're ready for the sexual aspect of this?" Se swung that slim, golden foot, the carved, ivory draperies, sliding over hir golden skin as se moved.
"I feel ready. I'm impatient at having to wait, although I do appreciate why he's doing it."
"Goku, dear, he's right. Emotionally you're just a shade too young. A few months and you'll feel grateful that he waited; you'll enjoy it much more and feel much safer. He has his own fears to deal with as well, so be mindful of that. You're a sensitive little creature and I know you love him and wouldn't want to pressure him when he's trying so hard to deal with his own past." Se reached out and ruffled Goku's hair affectionately.
"My Lady, what happened to him? Somebody hurt him really badly but he won't tell me how and if he doesn't I can't help him." Goku's eyes were full of concern for his beloved's pain.
"Ah, but you arehelping, that's the point, without even realizing it. Just by showing him you love him, you heal him. It shamed him so deeply he felt as if he had it branded on his forehead, the blood guilt, the shame, the sense of violation. Every time you touch him you help him, every time you show him that kindly nature of yours, every time you're gentle and sensitive you heal him a tiny bit. Every time you show him that no matter what happened, you'll love him anyway. So go on doing it and be patient. Show him compassion and gentleness and he'll reward you amply. Don't think this is all about you, Sweetie, it's as much about his own issues as your youth."
"You haven't answered my question."
"I answered the one you didn't ask directly. The other isn't my question to answer. He needs to tell you himself. That's part of his healing process and he needs an immediate, honest response from you, not one that you've thought through. He'll tell you, I'm sure, when he thinks you can deal with it." Se pulled Goku towards hir, allowing him to sit next to hir on hir lotus throne, and then se shimmied around so se could face him. He looked up at hir, admiring hir strong, fine features, and then the resemblance struck him.
"Is it just by chance that you look so much like him, my Lady?" He looked up at hir, puzzled. Se looked taken aback, as if the question was unexpected. He was far sharper than se'd given him credit for.
"No, it's not. He was once my nephew. In a way he still is but that's as much as I can tell you about that, to tell you more would affect decisions and attitudes that you need to develop spontaneously."
There was silence for a moment or two and Kanzeon waited, knowing Goku had at least one more question he needed to ask.
"I'm not sure what to do about Dougan." He said finally. "Sanzo thinks he's thrown his lot in with a youkai bandit gang. I'm not so sure. He hates youkai so much it seems really out of character for him to have anything to do with them."
Kanzeon was silent for a moment, wondering how to say what se had to without hurting Goku's feelings.
"Maybe they captured him and he offered them information in return for his safety and found he was in a position to bargain for your death and Sanzo's capture. I wasn't watching him but that seems like a reasonable assumption."
"That's the only explanation I can come up with, my Lady. I can't see him voluntarily joining a youkai gang. He hates us."
Se sighed and put an arm about his shoulder, the gold of hir arm felt warm through his shirt.
"He does, but that's mostly because he thinks you're a youkai and you're in his way. He wants Sanzo, but Sanzo loves you. If another band of youkai promised to get rid of you and bring Sanzo to him, then I'm sure he'd do a deal with them."
"And, of course, he thinks I've cast a spell on Sanzo to make him love me, so if I was dead the spell would be broken and he thinks Sanzo would love him instead. It's a circular argument, until he kills me and Sanzo still doesn't love him, he can't be proven wrong." Goku looked up at hir, his eyes wide and sad. "I wish I could set him free of this delusion. He'd leave us alone and he'd be so much happier. As it is he's completely miserable, furiously angry and I really worry about him." His compassion for Dougan shone from his eyes and Kanzeon was touched. He was a really good kid. Dougan had harassed Goku, accused him, threatened his life and attempted to kill him twice and still Goku was more concerned with Dougan's state of mind than anger at his behaviour.
"Goku, now listen to me because this is very important. He will never be proven wrong because he can never kill you. The conditions under which you can die are almost impossible to fulfill. You are the Earth's child and you are as eternal as she is. You are the Seiten Taisei, the embodiment of her power, although you can't access it all yet, just a tiny bit." Se touched the end of his nose affectionately.
He gazed back at hir with astonishment. "So the stories about me are actually true? I knew I was different but…I thought they were all exaggerated, made up stories to tell around a fire on cold winter nights."
"Some of them are true. Some are propaganda and lies, some are misunderstandings, so be careful what you believe, Little One."
"Why do I go mad when I change?" His golden eyes were huge and beseeching.
"The Sage," Se touched his cheek "is mad with loneliness. In order to keep you sane during your imprisonment, he took the madness upon himself. He split your personality in two in order to protect you. Now you're free and he's in contact with you again, he'll start to calm down but it will be some time until he's sane again. Give him time, he'll come around." Se smiled. Goku felt stunned, so much new information about himself. It would take weeks for him to assimilate it all. Still, assimilate it he would and he would use it to protect Sanzo. Kanzeon's head turned swiftly, as if se was listening.
"Goku, your friends are at the gate. They're concerned about you. You should go to them and let them know you're all right. I'll be here when next you need to speak to me" Suddenly, the golden goddess was a statue again.