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CHAPTER 12

Eight Three

My daughter called me a bitch.

She said she understood why Teddy left me. And the truth is I think she's right. Maybe not the bitch part and I sure as hell didn't deserve to be cheated on. But I know why Teddy left me.

It's because on his birthday I order Teddy a store bought cake the night before his birthday. It's because I can sleep fine when Teddy's out of town. It's because I don't spend days and weeks planning out our Valentine's Day or his Christmas presents. It's because I don't have a box of mementos from him that I keep at Daddy's house just to wallow in my memories. It's because know what his favorite holiday. Its because I don't care what his favorite color is.

We don't have secret spots. We don't have longing looks. Or songs. Or stolen kisses in elevators.

Right now, I'm still adjusting to the shock of the divorce. I'm trying to deal with the fact I failed at my marriage. I'm hurting for my girls. I'm focusing on my new album, and with Liam as my producer, and without Deacon being with me every step of the way. But I'll recover. I'll be fine. I slide my ring off my finger and throw it in my pocketbook.

It has been 14 years since Deacon and I were together. And I'm still not over that breakup. And Teddy knows that. And ultimately, that is why Teddy left.

Eighty Four

EMS asked me my relationship is to Maddie.

And I have no clue what to say. "I've been in love with her mother for like 25 years," or "I was the guitar player inside the building when the stampede started." I say, "I'm a friend of the family." If Lamar ever heard me say that he'd sue me for slander.

The ambulance ride is short, three, four minutes at the most. And during that time, I'm listening as Maddie answers questions about today's date and her middle name and where exactly she feels pain.

As the ambulance stops near the rear of the hospital, I pull out my phone. Maddie begs me, "not to call her yet." I pull my phone from my pocket and sigh "As soon as the doctor says you are okay, I'm calling her." She nods at me. We both know Rayna. In Maddie's words, she will "freak out."

Twenty seven minutes later, Dr. Krantz confirms she'll be fine. He wants a precautionary CT scan. He politely asks me to step out of the room for a few minutes. He promises me that "your daughter will fine." I don't bother to correct to the doctor. He doesn't seem to care about anything but getting to the next patient. I walk down out the hallway and text Rayna. A minute later, she calls me from the car. She indeed freaks out. I reassure Ray that she's fine. Ray says she'll be there in fifteen minutes. I tell her to be careful and promise her that Maddie is okay.

I notice the curtain is still closed so I mosey down to the gift shop.

I walk to the small black fridge in the middle. There few flowers with those cheap Congratulations plastic sign. Two are blue, two are in pink. There entire back wall is covered with cards. There are a bunch of nursing scrubs and sweatshirts with the name of the hospital on it. But most of the gift shop is just trinkets of Nashville. Who goes to a hospital gift shop for an "I love Nashville" fridge magnet?

I notice a few stuffed animals. There is a chick and a bunny. Really early Easter, I guess? I wish there was an elephant. I bought her an elephant once for her first birthday. And before that I bought her Mama one.

I know Maddie is too old for the bunny but it's either that 'Congratulations on the Baby Boy' roses. So I pick the bunny and pay the cashier.

Eighty Five

I go to our spot.

Sue whines as I leave him in the car. But I left the car running, with the heat on, and the windows cracked. Ray called me tonight. She thanked me for watching out for Maddie and making sure she got to the hospital okay. It was a brief conversation. She sniffled through it. And said goodnight.

I smile sadly to myself. Ray didn't ask me to come over or meet her somewhere. She didn't talk about how mad she was at Teddy or how scared she was about what could have happened.

And it hurts. It hurts that I thought by now she would "Have done right by" me. Those were her words, not mine. But I keep waiting. I keep waiting for her to call me. Or kiss me. Or do something. I don't know how not to wait. I don't know how to not want her. Or be there for her.

But how knows? Maybe Cole is right. He told me I should go on a date. A damn date. It doesn't sound fun or exciting or like anything I want to do. But still. Rayna's divorced. Or close to it. She isn't wearing her ring. And I'm nowhere closer to having her back than I was five months or. Or five years ago.

Eighty Six

I'm addicted to the Wyatt family.

Deacon said it tonight. My wife has said the same thing for years. Andrew and Eleanor Wyatt practically raised both me and Lamar. The Wyatt family, one of the most prominent Southern families in Nashville, took in the young black son of an alcoholic mother and a dead father.

I was in Lamar's wedding; I was there when Tandy was born. I helped name Rayna. And then sixteen years later, Lamar called me when Rayna ran away from home. When Lamar's wife died, I moved in to the Mansion for eight weeks. Twice, I took a loaded handgun away from him.

Lamar is the godfather to both of my children. He was there when I graduated undergrad and law school. He led my intervention. He paid for both my stints in rehab. He rode motorcycles and played college baseball. He fell in love with a folk singer. But somewhere along the way, I lost that Lamar.

I'll never have that Lamar back. That Lamar hasn't existed in years. But I still have to fight the urge to side with Lamar. Every time Lamar does something unforgivable, I end up forgiving him. The same is true with Tandy.

And it's worse for Deacon with Rayna. He'll never truly let her go. At least I've got Anita and the kids. They are my priority and my distraction. Deacon has memories, AA meetings, guilt, and whatever support Rayna gives him.

So I encouraged Deacon to go out on a date. To go have a meal with a woman and send flowers to her for no reason. To spend more than an hour with a woman before unhooking her bra. I doubt he'll take my advice but it needed to be said.

Eighty Seven

I'm damn good at interviews.

Bucky always says that. Deacon says that. Teddy says that…or use to say that. And I did knock it out of the park, if I do say so myself. My dress was the perfect hue of virginal white. My heels were high and sexy but my dress was long enough to even it out. Katie Couric's questions were softballs. I was humorous. I was smart. I was sympathetic. The audience nodded along with me. Buck gives me a standing ovation in the green room.

I ask for a moment and Bucky obliges. I keep re-hearing Katie's last question in my head. "Where do you see yourself going from here?" I answered as honestly as I could. I am going to focus on the girls. I've got to finish my album. I want to finish my album. And there's Deacon.

I'm not healed yet but I'm getting closer. I smile slightly. I told him I was going to do right by him. I know he's tired of waiting for me, but he won't have to much longer.

Looking back now, I jumped from Deacon to Teddy too fast. Back then, I was so tired. Deacon had spent the better part of two years drinking, sleeping it off, fighting, yelling, making up, and beginning the vicious cycle all over again. He promised me sobriety. Instead he'd gotten court dates, broken furniture, and hospital bracelets.

And then I would swear we were over. But I never meant it. Not really.

I probably moved in and out of our house a dozen times. I bought a luxury apartment in downtown Nashville when I moved out the second time. I kept the apartment when I moved back in.

Teddy and I didn't even really have a relationship when Tandy set us up. We had an awkward set up during brunch. Teddy knew we were on a blind date. I realized the same when Tandy excused herself to the bathroom before we ordered drinks. Well actually I realized we were on a date when Tandy never came back from the bathroom. But he was nice. And brunch at the Country Club was always delicious. Pretentious..and expensive…but always delicious.

We grabbed a coffee at some trendy shop a week later. He invited me to dinner four times before I accepted. Then I canceled the next afternoon because Deacon came to my new apartment with a handful of daisies.

Two days later, Deacon ran over the curb at my apartment and rolled into a tree. He walked away without a scratch. The car fared a tad worse.

And then Teddy called again and offered a friendship. That was something I didn't have. That was something I'd never really had. My sister was a woman I loved because of blood and because I was supposed to. Bucky was my employee first. Vince was dead. And Deacon…couldn't be anything by that point.

So Teddy and I had dinner and talked. It was nice that he ordered sweet tea. It was nicer that Teddy didn't yell at anybody or go off when the waitress brought him a potato instead of fries. He asked me to dinner again and I said no.

That night, Daddy called informing me that Deacon had been picked up during a drug raid…again. But Daddy had called in another favor. Another favor I didn't ask for. How Deacon's name never ended up in the papers during that time still boggles my mind.

I told Deacon I was done and called Teddy back. We ate at a Steakhouse. When Deacon showed up drunk a few days later, I told him that I had gone on a date. I told him I had a second date soon. He kicked the taillights out of my car.

A few weeks later, Deacon didn't bother showing up for our flight to Colorado for the last leg of our tour.

Meanwhile, Teddy flew out to see me when we were in California. Teddy and I made love for the first time in LA. I liked that his breath didn't smell like liquor when he kissed me.

But that night, as Teddy slept soundly I paced the hotel bathroom. Then, I walked into the room at the end of the hall with the ice machine. I cried hysterically until I got too tired to cry. And for the next five weeks or so things were good. Teddy and I talked on the phone about every other day.

Then Deacon showed up again….in Albuquerque. And he was clean and sober. Told me he'd been that way for seventeen days by that point. He'd been going to meetings. And for eleven days, I avoided Teddy's phone calls. And for eleven days, things were good. And for eleven days, I let myself get my hopes up.

It was my own fault. I should have expected to find him drinking at 11:30 am in the hotel restaurant. His tab was $34.00 on cheap liquor.

The truth was Deacon was always wonderful at getting sober. He was just really shitty at making it stick.

But all that is in the past now. But I've learned my lesson. I'm not going to do the push and pull again. I'm going to take my time. And then Deacon and I can finally be together. Without alcohol.