Edward's point of view

Hello! I really hope you are enjoying the story so far! Here's Edward's point of view…

Disclaimer: No I don't own Twilight, characters, etc… but I so wish I did! Lol )

CHAPTER 12

I am not sure how long I just sat there and thought. It was maybe a day or two, I think. I just keep going over my good memories with my sweet Bella, thinking of her incredible laugh, her gorgeous smile, and her large revealing eyes. Most of all I missed her company and how she made me feel when bathed in her love.

The reasons I was unworthy of her love also played in my mind. The monster that I was always kept me from being good enough for her. Foolishly, I had believed that she accepted me, monster and all, but I was wrong. What I didn't understand was why it took her so long. I have been telling her all along that she would end up hating this life and hating me for taking away her humanity for this cursed existence, but her ever-stubborn ways convinced me of a fallacy. The worst of it all is that I failed my angel. If I had saved her from myself, she wouldn't have lost six months of her life to darkness, and she wouldn't have to run from us now.

Over and over I played these thoughts in my head trying to not completely fall apart knowing my life was currently meaningless. During my wandering thoughts, I heard a soft knock on my door. I had been so wrapped up that I didn't even hear her come. Against my better judgment I allowed her entrance; after all, she did give me a place to stay.

"Come in," my voice was barely over a whisper. I was so emotionally drained that it was all I could manage, which didn't matter much because I knew she'd hear me.

"Hello Edward," Tanya walked in with a pitying smile on her face as she approached and sat carefully on the end of the bed. I didn't want her pity, nor her company but I wasn't exactly in the position to kick her out.

"What do you need Tanya," I wanted her to spit it out already so I could again allow my mind to wonder. Her thoughts didn't help either because they were also only filled with pity.

"I know you didn't want me to ask any questions and I respect that, but you do know I'm here for you if you want to talk right?" I would have been shocked at the truth behind her words if I had enough emotion left in me.

"Yes, thank you" it was a simple reply as I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it turned into a grimace. I guess my muscles normally used for joy also gave out when my heart left me.

"Umm, if your having problems with… umm her, I uhh just wanted to tell you that she is always right," she smiled timidly at me. It was strange to see her trying so hard to be civil to Bella, or even to help any problems between us. This must be very difficult for her.

"It's not like that," it was silly of her to think we, I mean Bella and I, would fight over being right or wrong. There was no more we for us anymore. This realization sent yet another shot of pain through my body.

"Oh, well I just don't understand Edward. You look like someone died," someone did, I am dead inside, "and I just want to understand what stole the light form your eyes. I have never seen you in this much pain before. In fact, I have never seen someone that looks as pained and broken as you do now." She was crossing the line now. I wasn't sure if I could talk about this without all my weakened walls crashing down on me.

"I… I can't Tanya," my voice was shaking and I needed to be alone.

"But it could help if you talked about it," I could see she wasn't going to let up and it made me furious. I knew all my anger wasn't a result of her almost innocent words, but just a result of so much stress and sorrow I'd felt in the last week and a half. God had we been apart that long?

"DAMN IT TANYA I SAID LAY OFF! BUT IF YOU INSIST SHE LEFT ME OK!" I yelled at her before storming to the window and glaring at nothing in particular. I was fuming; this was the most I have felt all week. I could hear her dazed thoughts as she attempted to comprehend my sudden outburst. Everyone in the house had cautious and even frightened thoughts running through their heads obviously hearing my outburst. The whole vampire hearing just made it that much worse.

"I'm so sorry Edward," turning around to face her, I saw her starring at the floor looking defeated. I took a deep unnecessary breath before I tired to fix yet another mess I had created.

"It's not your fault, I was out of line for yelling at you. My apologies," I attempted sincerity but I wasn't prevailing. My voice easily betrayed my anguish.

"She loves you Edward. Whatever happened, I know she wouldn't leave you permanently unless she thought it would hurt you or your family in some way. She is the overly selfless type you know," I sat back on the bed silently listening to her words trying to find a way back to my privacy. I decided just diving in headfirst might be a little easier than making up excuses when she was truly just trying to help. With another sigh I turned to her and attempted an explanation of Bella's disappearance from my life, and the monster I was inside.

"I am sure you are aware of her strange coma like state she had been in previously for about six months, correct?" I waited for her nod of approval before I continued, "Well I discovered a way to free her and when I almost had her back she… she ran from me. She was all but free besides her voice, which I was close to fixing but once she was able to move again she took off and went to him." My voice was just a whisper, only allowing her to hear leaving out the other nosy members of her family.

"Him?"

"Jacob Black, one of the werewolves. She was in love with him before but chose me. I guess she finally realized that I was a monster and had made the wrong decision" I shrugged feigning indifference when every word that left my lips felt like another weight was added to my chest. It was growing more difficult to breath.

"Are you sure she ran to him? You don't know that she is never coming back right?" I didn't want to think about her suggestions. They would only cause false hope and crush me even further.

"I know she is with him because Alice can no longer see her, and she won't come back because she knows I am a monster now. It was my fault she was like that for so long. Plus we found a note in the ground that said she was running from me because I was dangerous." Why can't she just understand and leave me the hell alone!

"What did her note say exactly," ugh I didn't see how knowing the exact wording would change anything, but I told her anyway.

"It said 'I mean no harm. Can't talk. Need to go, running away and being followed. Voice gone, hard to explain. Running from Edward. Dangerous, need to get away. Please let me go.' And she wrote it in the dirt of the forest. She couldn't talk yet because I hadn't been able to return her voice yet. Of course I let her run away from me because I can't force her to love me," staring at my hands and wringing my fingers, I awaited her reply. I was exceptionally drained and just wanted to stop speaking of the very thing that was killing me. She was silent for a long while in deep concentration, so I decided to end this and go back to my beautiful memories of Bella and hating myself.

"Look, I am a monster that can't be loved! I don't deserve her and never did. She finally figured it out and left me for him ok, so can I just got back to wallowing in self-loathing!" My tone was just short of yelling. I expected her to finally get it and leave, but that was far from the truth.

"SHUT THE HELL UP EDWARD!" She was furious as she glared at me with her fists clenched.

"What… " I can't believe she is yelling at me! Well I knew I was being an ass but I had a damn good reason!

"NO EDWARD! DON'T WHAT ME! YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!" ok know I was completely flabbergasted. Well she is right; I deserve any insult she throws at me.

"Ok you are so NOT going to turn this into me telling you how much you don't deserve her bla bla bla. God you can be so dense!" She was now waving an angry finger at me like I was a naughty child who got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"Tanya! What the hell are you talking about then?" I was just as angry as she was right now, but I refrained from straight out yelling because I didn't want the rest of her family joining the argument.

"Edward you just let her walk out of your life! You didn't even try to stop her! Wait just a minute before you interrupt me ok! Look, when was the last time she actually ran from you?" she stopped her lecture waiting my reply. I didn't see what she was getting at but tried to answer her question. After a few seconds of thought, I realized what she meant.

"When she ran to James over her spring break. She didn't want anyone getting hurt so she acted stupidly in a spoiled attempt to save both our families," I spoke softly now remembering her still, broken, bloody body lying on the ground.

"Exactly!" I could tell she felt this was going somewhere, but I failed to see her point as she was blocking her mind from where she would take this conversation in order to keep me guessing. How does Bella getting hurt before prove anything except for the fact that I had placed her in danger yet again further giving her reason to leave me?

"Exactly what do you mean by bringing that up?" I was becoming even more confused and frustrated and for the millionth time wished for privacy.

"Don't you see Edward? The only other time she ran from you was to protect you! In her note she said she was running from you because of danger, not that you were the danger! Edward of course she still loves you, she could never stop; but you gave up on her allowing her to get away with her 'stupidity' as you put it, when the last time she ran you followed to the end and saved her. Edward the only logical explanation was that she gave into her unrelenting selflessness to protect those she cared about from whatever danger she thought posed a threat!" Tanya was imploring me to understand her discovery. I was in shock at her revelation. How could I have been so brainless! I doubted the most sacred thing in my life, Bella's love for me, and left her to fend for herself instead of protecting her like I had vowed to always do.

"What have I done…" barely speaking in a whisper, I was dazed by the sudden turn of events. "Damn I am such an ass! How could I do this to her!"

"Geez Edward I help you out and you go back to degrading yourself. Look you still have time to fix this so get off your sorry butt and bring back the woman you love" her words were so full of determination and authority that I stirred a deep inspiration with myself.

"You're absolutely right. I have to fix this. I will fix this" my brow furrowed in determination and concentration. I had no idea what must be done, but I did know that I needed my family more than ever and I wouldn't waste another second.

"That's the spirit! Now get the hell out of here and get back the reason for your existence," Tanya smiled encouragingly at me. I was so overcome with hope and thankfulness that I felt I would explode. She still loves me!

"Thank you so much Tanya," I pulled her into a tight, but still friendly, hug, "I owe you big time."

"Yeah whatever, now go" sending one more appreciative smile her way, I turned and headed for the door quickly. "Oh and Edward," she called to me right before I hit the front door, "Esme and Rosalie are at your house here waiting for you." I continued out the door after her message and sped down the road toward our house here. Once I collected both my mother and sister, we would be headed straight for Forks, and Bella. I will get her back, if it's the last thing I do.

Ok guys please review and let me know how I did on this chapter. The reason I had Tanya be all motivational whatever is cause I kinda feel bad for her. Everyone always makes her the b in the stories just cause she wants Edward, I mean honestly who wouldn't? Anyway I hope no one hates me for making her nice! REVIEW!!

--Edwardluvr22