It's late when Ben wakes up again. He's nestled in a warm bed with the naked body of the woman he loved pressed against his and there's nothing more he wants than to stay there forever … or at least until he has no other choice.
I don't deserve you, Rey.
She's still not awake, but she murmurs a sleepy protest as if she hears his thoughts. "Mine, Ben. Mine ..."
He kisses her forehead and tucks Wicket back into her arms. "Sleep, love. I'll be back. I need to take a walk."
He dresses again in the clothing he wore as Kylo Ren, picks up his travel bag, and then walks out of the bedroom into the med-center. Given the time, he's surprised to find someone else up: the engineer girl. She's frowning to herself as she works on some pad.
"Hello." He doesn't want to scare her, but he imagines that having him walk into the room without announcing himself might be even scarier.
"Hi," the girl says with a bright smile. The smile fades a bit when she sees who it is. "Um... Master Ren? Solo?"
"Why don't we settle on Ben?" he says with a gentle smile. "And I'm not master of anything any more." He thinks fleetingly of the other Knights of Ren. The ones who had followed him into the First Order. They hadn't been friends, but they had had followed out of respect for his power. He wonders if any of them are still alive and what will become of them.
Something else to feel guilty over …
"Ben it is then. I'm Rose. Rose Tico. Finn's … I think we're still working that out." She nods to a table where a portable cook stove has been set up. "There's fresh klah if you'd like some. I just made a pot."
"Thank you. I will." He walks over to the pot and fills a cup. The chocolaty cinnamon taste sends memories spiraling through his mind. "This was Dad's favorite." And before that thought can send him into dark places. "Would you like me to refill your cup?"
"Please." She holds up her cup.
He brings the pot over and fills her cup up.
"Thank you." She looks strangely disappointed.
"What's wrong?"
"I thought you might make it float over."
He smiled wryly. "That might not be a good idea, Rose. I don't always have the most delicate of touches."
"Oh." She takes a sip of her klah.
"How's my mother?"
"She's … okay. Stable. She's got me working on a project for her. She just went to sleep. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you wanted to see her …."
"No. That's okay." It probably wouldn't go well.
"Ben, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Please don't ask me how many people I've killed or if I know what happened to some loved one of yours...
"Where you always so nice?" Rose puts her cup down. "I mean... Rey acts like the weight of the world fell of her shoulders the moment you showed up. You're polite. You just seem so much nicer than I thought you would be. Is this what you were like before you became Kylo Ren?"
"Force no," another voice says and the lanky form of Poe Dameron walks into the room. "Ben Solo was a whiny brat. No one could stand him."
"Not even my parents," Ben agrees calmly. "I was a handful." You won't make me angry, Poe. Not like Mother. I've already made that mistake today.
"You tortured me, Ren."
"Solo. And you're right. I did."
"You said Ben Solo was dead. That you were just Kylo Ren now."
"I said a lot of things, Dameron. Some of them were even true. Turns out that wasn't one of them. Believe me I'm as surprised as you are."
"I don't know what sort of Sith spell you cast on Rey, but I'm not going to let my guard down, Ren. I can't. We're all that's left of the Resistance now. If we go, then the First Order wins."
"If I wanted you dead, Dameron ..." The old anger was there, but he refused to master it now. "I know that you're my Mother's favorite right now, but believe me. I have no desire in destroying the Resistance anymore."
"Poe, stop being mean. Are you trying to make him our enemy? Don't we have enough of those already?" Rose glared at the pilot.
"He's always been our enemy, Rose. I've seen him kill people. Good people. I won't pretend that didn't happen or that he deserves forgiveness."
"You're right, Dameron. I've done terrible things. I could spend the rest of the night confessing my sins and I would barely scratch the surface of the evil that I've done. I can't make up for the things I've done. I can't change the past. I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve Rey. But I can try to be a better person. I can try to be a good man. I don't expect your friendship or forgiveness, Dameron. I'm not asking for it because there's no way that's possible."
"Damn straight."
"Poe, he's one of the most powerful Force users in history. With him on our side- with him working with Rey, we may actually win." Rose took another drink. "Or at least survive."
"Or maybe he's here just to prevent Rey from becoming strong enough to be a threat to him. Or to convert her to his side and soon as he does that, he's slaughter us all ..."
Ben can't stop himself. He laughs at that. "You've met Rey, right? Do you think any power in the universe can change her mind about anything? She will never join the First Order even if the rest of you are burnt to a crisp. She will never fall to the Dark Side. That's just not who she is."
"She wouldn't go to you so you came to her." Rose smiles at him. "That's kind of sweet."
"That's scary," Poe corrects her. "Let's say for the sake of argument that this change of yours is legitimate … let's say that you became Ben Solo again to be with Rey. Let's say you even fight with the Resistance now. I have one question for you … Kylo Ren or Ben Solo or whoever you are now."
"Yes?" He finishes his cup of klah and waits.
"What if Rey dies? Who do you become if the woman you love- and yeah, I believe you do love Rey however much someone like you can love- what happens if she dies?"
The world goes black for Ben Solo. For a second- a moment- he imagines a galaxy without Rey in it. He pictures the gaping loneliness that would consume him. "I'd stay Ben Solo." He got up. "Because that's who Rey would want me to be." And he smiles. "And because that's who I choose to be ."
Poe looks into his eyes for a moment longer, then he looks away.
Ben turns to leave, but Rose grabs his hand. "Don't go yet, Ben. Please."
She's the first person who touched him other than Rey in Force knows how long. Her hand is like Rey's in a way; small, but strong. Callused from her work. And also like Rey's … welcoming. "Yes?"
"I'm sure we have something in your size." She dives into some of the Resistance supplies and pulls out a folded uniform. "Maybe if you don't walk around looking like Kylo Ren, people won't treat you like him." She gave him an encouraging smile. "You want to do the right thing, Ben Solo. That makes you one of us. One of the Resistance. It's time you look the part."
Poe looks at him for a moment. "Take it... Solo."
Ben smiles at Rose and nods at Dameron. Then, carefully- oh so carefully- he reaches out with the Force and causes the uniform to float over to him. "Thank you both."
"You're welcome," Rose said with a gleeful smile, delighted at having seen him use the Force at last.
That wasn't horrible, Ben told himself. "If you see Rey, tell her I went for a walk outside. I should be back in half an hour at most."
"All right," Dameron says with a nod.
"Be careful!" Rose warns him. "The magma pits are awfully close!"
"I know. I'll be careful." He makes the promise, oddly certain the engineer is genuinely worried about his safety. He waves to them both and makes his way outside.
He lets the Force guide him to the spot. Even after … whatever Rey and he had done to change things, the Dark Side was strong here in this place. Perhaps it was where Obi-Wan Kenobi defeated Anakin Solo. Maybe some other terrible thing happened here- for Mustafar was long a part of Sith history- but it felt like this was the place to be when he did this act.
He takes off the robes of Kylo Ren and puts on the uniform of the resistance. It feels strange- strangely constricting after all this time of wearing robes and loose clothing- but also it gives him a feeling of peace. As if he was shedding an old skin to become newer, something cleaner.
Steeling himself, he opens his travel bag and takes out the charred helmet of Darth Vader. He looks at it for a moment. Do I have the strength to do this alone? I have to do this alone. Rey can't always protect me.
And then he wraps the clothing of Kylo Ren around the helmet of Darth Vader.
"Grandfather … I've been at war with myself since the day I was born. There's too much Dark Side- too much you in me- to be a Jedi. And there was too much Light- perhaps from you as well- to be a Sith. I accept responsibility for everything I did. I want to do the right things- I want to be a good man even though I don't think I can be a Jedi. I'm Ben Solo again- not the Ben that I was before- I hope I'm wiser now. I want to be a better one. Help me if you can, Grandfather. But even if you won't- even if you can't- I won't walk a path of murder and destruction. Not any more."
He could use the Force for this, but he doesn't. Instead with all his strength- all his human strength- he hurls the bundle into the magma.
The robes of Kylo Ren burn off immediately leaving the helmet of Darth Vader. And slowly... oh so slowly, almost as though it were fighting to survive … it sinks into the magma.
"Well done, Ben. I'm proud of you."
It's not his grandfather. Not Anakin Skywalker or Darth Vader. It's not a man at all.
It's a woman.
"Mother …?" This woman is so much like his mother- slender, dark haired … but with echoes of Rey's strength of will and character as well. "No. You're … ?"
"Padme Amidala. Your grandmother, Ben." She nods her head slightly. "And yes, it does seem as though the men in our family have a type."
"I didn't know you were Force sensitive."
"I wasn't."
"Then how are you here?"
"You, Ben. Your decision … your power … it brought me here to see you. I took my mortal wound on this world. My heart broke when Anakin made his choice to become Darth Vader. And when he seemed to die … I just didn't have the strength no matter how much I loved my children … to stay." She smiles at him. "And maybe your subconscious- or the Force itself- decided that I deserved to see someone with Skywalker blood make a difference choice here."
"Grandmother …" He frowns. "It feels strange to call you that when you look nearly the same age that I do."
She laughs. "If it makes you feel better you can call me Padme, Ben."
"Padme... if it makes you happy, I am pleased to see you here."
"Why didn't you ask Rey to be with you? I know she would have been proud of you."
"I ..." He tries to formulate a reply. "I wasn't doing it to make Rey proud of me. I don't want her to think that I need her to prop me up. I don't want her feeling responsible for the choices that I make, good or bad. I want … I want to be just as strong for her as she is for me."
"You are, Ben. You are." The spirit of Padme shimmers for a moment. "The Darkness of your deeds will be with you always, Ben, but so will the Light of the things you do now. Remember- you chose the Dark Side once, but you did something that few Jedi in history have ever been able to do: you came back. I may not have the right to say it, Ben, but I am very proud of you for that." And then … when she was just a shadow. "And your mother … never forget that in spite of anything that she might do or say, your mother loves you very much. Goodbye, Ben. I love you."
"Goodbye, Padme. I love you too."
He took one last look at the burning lava, and then headed back to Rey.
Author's Note: I love Rose Tico, and Kelly Marie Tran is every bit as adorable as Rose. I hope we see more of her in the next movie. I feel like if there's anyone in the Resistance at this point who could be friendly towards Ben it's definitely Rose. (Klah comes from another fandom. Didn't want to use coffee and I had no idea what the Star Wars equivalent would be.)