"Everything okay?" Olivia looked up from the couch as Alex re-entered the living room.
"Everything's great," Alex tried to sound upbeat. She was going to show Olivia that she could cope on her own. "Lily's sleeping like a baby. What are you reading?"
"Time Traveler's Wife," Olivia showed her the front cover. "It's actually really good. Did you read it yet?"
Alex shook her head. "I'll read it after you," she said, as she reached for the paper. "I'm just gonna do the crossword tonight, I think."
Olivia looked surprised when Alex settled herself in an armchair, rather than joining her on the couch. "You wanna sit here?" she offered.
"I'm fine here," Alex lied. "This light's good for the crossword."
After about an hour, Alex yawned and put down the paper. "I think I'll turn in," she smiled at Olivia.
"I'll come with you," Olivia was on her feet already.
"No, Liv, you don't have to do that. Read some more, you look like you're really into it. Come when you're ready."
Olivia looked doubtful. "If you're sure?"
"Of course. I'm fine. And I know where you are if I get lonesome," Alex tried to force a smile. She put her hand on Olivia's waist, and kissed her softly. The feel of her lips was almost too much for her. Alex desperately wanted to disappear into Olivia's warm embrace, to be held tight by her. Only Olivia could banish her demons. But she was determined to remain strong. She had to. She couldn't keep leaning on the detective, it wasn't fair. "I'll see you in there," she smiled, as she headed toward the bedroom.
Olivia blinked. She wasn't sure what had just happened. Only an hour ago, Alex had been in her arms, clinging to her like she was some sort of lifeline. And now she was … almost distant. Olivia didn't know what was going on, but she knew one thing; she didn't like it.
Olivia forced herself to stay in the living room for a further forty minutes. When she let herself into the bedroom, the light was off. She could see Alex curled up in the bed, on the far side, further away from Olivia's side than she ever slept. Something was definitely going on.
She washed up, donned a loose singlet and boxer shorts, and slid under the covers. Alex appeared to be sleeping soundly. Olivia placed a soft hand on her back, but there was no reaction. She wanted to pull her into her arms, to hold her close, but Alex had clearly made a conscious decision. Olivia decided to respect her wishes.
Unbeknownst to Olivia, Alex was still fully awake. She kept her eyes shut, and she forced her breathing to remain slow and even. She could feel Olivia so close to her, but she resisted the urge to crawl into her arms. She felt a soft hand on her back, and one tear slid slowly down her cheek. She didn't know how she would last the night, but she would. Somehow, she would.
Alex barely slept, so determined was she to keep up her pretense. When Olivia awoke the next morning, she was startled to see the dark rings under Alex's eyes. Olivia started to realize what was happening. Alex was trying to appear strong. Olivia so wanted to talk to her about it, but when she asked her gently if she was okay, Alex had shrugged off her concerns. "I'm fine," was all she would say.
The sound of Lily's morning call was a relief to them both. "I'll go," Alex insisted. She scooped their daughter up, and held her tight. When Olivia looked in the room a few minutes later, she saw Alex sitting in the large leather armchair, her eyes shut as she held their child. Alex was whispering lovingly to her. Olivia suddenly felt like an intruder and, before Alex saw her, tactfully withdrew.
Five minutes later, Alex emerged from Lily's room, holding their toddler's hand. "Mama!" Lily grinned at Olivia.
"Somebody wants to see you," Alex tried to sound jovial.
"I want to see you too, peanut," Olivia lifted Lily and planted a big kiss on her cheek. "What do you want to do today, huh? Does Mommy have any ideas?" she smiled at Alex.
Alex swallowed. "I thought maybe we could ask Amy and Robyn over for an early dinner. We've been meaning to call them for weeks. What do you think, Liv?"
Olivia was immediately worried. She could see that Alex was trying to resume a 'normal' life, but she wasn't sure she was ready for it. "If you'd like that, Alexandra," she said. "We can call them, see if they're free."
Alex smiled. "Let's ask Sarah and Jay, too. Then Robyn might feel more at home, as she and Jay are in the same profession. We can cook something simple, pasta maybe."
Olivia tried to hide her doubts. "Sure, why not?" She supposed it couldn't do any harm. And Alex had isolated herself so much recently, it could only be a good thing that she wanted to reach out and see people.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
"Of course we'll come," Jay told Olivia on the phone. "We'd love to. Are you sure Alex is ready for this, though? She still seemed a little … off … not herself when we saw you on Tuesday."
"Honestly, I don't know. But she wants to do this. It's her idea. I think it'll make her feel better. I hope it will, anyway."
"We'll make sure we leave early," Jay promised. "I'll say I have an early shift. We'll be gone by 9.30pm, so you can get an early night. Do you need us to bring anything?"
"Just yourselves," Olivia said, gratefully.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Alex took a deep breath when she heard the doorbell ring. She knew that Amy and Robyn would know about the miscarriage, as they had had to cancel plans with them two days after it happened. But she prayed nobody would talk about it tonight. Her plan was to focus on Lily as much as possible, which wouldn't be hard. Amy had loved being with Lily, and the toddler had felt the same way.
She smiled at Lily and took her by the hand, walking to the door. "Shall we let our visitors in, chipmunk?" she forced a smile on her face.
Olivia watched Alex with a mixture of pride and concern.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
"We must go," Jay pretended to yawn widely. "I'm sorry, I'm on the 5am shift tomorrow. This was great," she smiled.
Olivia nodded, and smiled back. Alex had been on rare form all night; she was urbane, witty, displaying the same caustic humor that had attracted Olivia in the first place. Olivia knew that she was making a great effort; she had not failed to notice that Alex had drunk very little, and eaten even less. But she had been an excellent hostess, and had kept them all amused with wry anecdotes and witty remarks. Only Olivia could really tell how exhausted Alex now was, and she was grateful when the shy, sweet Robyn stood up when Jay did.
"We must go too," Robyn said, in her soft voice. "It's been a wonderful evening. I've really enjoyed meeting you all. And your daughter," she smiled at Alex, "she's just an angel."
Alex smiled proudly. "She really took to you," she told the blonde firefighter honestly. "And now you've promised her a trip to your fire station, she thinks you really are something special."
"That's because she is something special," Amy linked her arm through her girlfriend's, looking up at her adoringly.
Robyn blushed. "C'mon, let's leave these good people in peace. Thank you again, it really has been lovely."
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
As Olivia closed the door, having seen their visitors out, Alex was nowhere to be seen.
Alex closed the door to the bathroom, the effort of keeping up appearances suddenly too much for her. She looked into the mirror above the basin, and saw her own face; drawn, haggard, too white. She felt sick and shaky. She placed one hand either side of the basin, and took several deep, cleansing breaths.
"Lex?" Olivia tapped on the door. "Are you alright in there?"
Alex took a sharp breath. She had to convince Olivia she was alright; that was what the whole evening had been for, after all. She swallowed. "I'm fine, Liv," she said, pleased that her voice didn't shake. "I'll be right out."
After a few minutes, Alex emerged from the bathroom, offering a small smile, and pretending not to notice Olivia's concerned expression.
Olivia held out her arms, and before she realized what she was doing, Alex had stepped into them. Feeling Olivia's warm, strong, loving embrace was almost too much for her.
"You were great tonight," Olivia whispered into Alex's hair.
Alex allowed herself to remain in the embrace for a few more precious seconds, and then reluctantly pulled back. "We should clean up," she muttered.
"You look tired," in truth, she looked utterly shattered, but Olivia didn't want to say anything that could upset Alex, who was clearly still very fragile, despite her efforts to pretend otherwise. "You go to sleep, baby. I'll be in soon, it won't take me long." Her voice was firm, and Alex knew it was futile to argue.
Half an hour later, Olivia slid under the covers. Again, Alex had migrated to the far side of the bed, so Olivia decided not to challenge her on it.
Alex found herself overtaken by her own exhaustion, and she fell into a restless slumber. Her mind was still working overtime, though, and she kept jerking awake in a panic, before realizing where she was. The fourth time she awoke startled, she felt herself being gathered in Olivia's arms. She was almost instantly asleep again, so she didn't fight Olivia's loving touch. In her sleep, she snuggled further into Olivia's front, her hand cupping a full, warm breast.
Olivia was the first to awaken the next morning. She watched Alex as she slept on restlessly, occasionally mumbling something, or whimpering in distress. Olivia could guess at the tortured thoughts rolling through her fiancée's mind. When it looked like Alex was about to wake fully, Olivia closed her eyes and feigned sleep. She knew that Alex wanted … needed … to appear more 'together' than she really was, and Olivia would do all she could to help her feel more comfortable.
Alex came awake, relishing the feel of Olivia's loving arms. She hoped desperately that Olivia hadn't realized she had slept in her embrace. She didn't want Olivia to feel responsible for her, and that she had to take care of her. She slid carefully out from her arms, and moved to the other side of the bed.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
"What are you doing?" Olivia's heart fell when she realized what Alex was up to.
"I'm ironing," Alex said.
"My work clothes?"
"It's time," Alex said, simply. "You can't stay here for ever, Liv. You should call Elliot," she was proud that she kept her voice steady. "Tell him you'll be back tomorrow. We'll be okay here."
Olivia tried to stop tears forming in her eyes. "I don't want to go back yet. I want to be here. With you. I want to take care of you, Alex," unwittingly, she said the one thing that Alex was dreading. She put a hand on Alex's arm, startled when Alex flinched and pulled back.
"I don't need taking care of," Alex's voice held a hint of steel. "I'm okay now. They need you."
"You need me," Olivia said, simply.
"You think I'm some helpless child?" Alex became bitchy, as she sometimes did when she was terrified. "You think I need you to hold my hand?"
"I want to hold your hand. I want to make this better," Olivia fought to remain calm.
"Make it better?" Alex was barely able to contain her fury. "And just how do you plan to do that? Our baby is dead, Olivia. Our baby died inside me. Nothing can make that better. Unless you can perform miracles too, now. Saint Olivia. It has a nice ring to it," she spat.
Olivia paled.
Alex's heart almost split in two when she saw the effect her words had on Olivia. She wanted to fling her arms round her, apologize for her words, beg her forgiveness. But something perverse in her wouldn't let her.
"I'm going to get some air," Olivia said eventually. Showing a calm she didn't feel, she picked up her jacket and her keys.
"Don't think you're welcome in our bed tonight," Alex spat. "I want you to sleep in the guest room."
Olivia nodded. She let herself quietly out of the apartment.
Alex slid to the floor, as her legs gave way under her. She hated what she had done. She hated the situation. More than that, she hated herself more than she ever knew was possible.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Caryn looked up, nodding her thanks to the woman who had bought her a drink. She raised her glass in salute.
"The bartender says you don't do relationships," the woman said, as she slid onto the stool next to her. "Is that right?"
Caryn nodded. "That sounds about right."
"What do you do?"
"Anything you want me to. Within reason," Caryn replied seductively.
The tall brunette stood. She put her hand out to her. "Dance with me."
Caryn shook her head. "I don't dance."
"Aw, c'mon blondie. Dancing is … within reason," the taller woman teased. "What's wrong, are you scared I'll show you up?"
Caryn smiled. She liked to be challenged. She took her hand. "Okay," she smiled.
"You won't regret it," the brunette said. She pulled Caryn close. "You have a beautiful body," she whispered, as she put her arm around her. "My name's Rachel. I'm going to give you an evening you'll never forget."
"Caryn," Caryn replied, almost whimpering with pleasure as she felt Rachel's strong, soft body against hers. "Come on, then, show me how it's done."
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Olivia walked for hours. She hated leaving Alex on her own, but she reasoned that that might be the best thing for her right now.
She knew Alex hadn't meant any of the things she said. In truth, she wasn't even hurt by her words. What did hurt her was Alex's attempts to push her away. She knew Alex too well to think that Alex wanted to be apart from her. She highly doubted that Alex wanted her to go back to work. For some reason, Alex had gotten it into her head that Olivia needed time away from her. The opposite was true – Olivia wanted, needed, to be with Alex. She longed to help her. The miscarriage had devastated her fiancée, emotionally even more than physically. She was going to talk to Huang, she decided. Alex told her to go back to work, so she would. But she would ask George for advice. She loved Alex so very much, and just wanted to help her get back to her real self.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Caryn danced with Rachel for nearly two hours. She found the brunette intoxicating; she was sexy beyond measure, and she had a quick-fire wit that Caryn found unbearably arousing. She just wanted her to take her home and fuck her until she screamed for mercy. But Rachel would not be hurried. She whispered seductively in her ear, and kissed her softly; behind her ear, down her neck; nibbling at her collar bone. When Rachel finally slid one hand under Caryn's shirt and palmed her full breast, Caryn's self-control evaporated.
"Please tell me you live near," Caryn choked out.
"No such luck, blondie," Rachel teased. "I'm from out of town. I'm only here for the week. My home is my van."
"You're sleeping in a van?" Caryn was momentarily shocked out of her erotic daydreams.
"You wanna check out my mattress?" Rachel teased, her fingers closing around her breast.
"That's not going to happen," Caryn regained some of her control.
"So we're going to your place then, huh?"
Caryn briefly panicked. She didn't take her conquests home. The only one who had slipped past her guard since … her … had been Cabot. And that's because Cabot was too classy for a hotel. "I …," she tried to think up an excuse.
Rachel looked at her, her eyebrow raised quizzically. "You really don't do relationships," she gave a low whistle.
"I'll get us a nice room. The Crowne Plaza has some great views. I'll even throw in breakfast," Caryn suggested.
"Will you be there at breakfast?" Rachel asked, astutely.
"That all depends on you," Caryn. "Will I want to be?"
Rachel kissed her deeply. "Oh you'll want to," she said. "I can guarantee it."
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
The lights were out when Olivia let herself back in. She knew Alex would not be sleeping, but she wanted to respect her wishes. She washed up, and made her way sadly to the guest room. On the bed, Alex had laid out her favorite flannel pajamas, and when she slid under the covers, she found a warm hot water bottle. She clutched it in her arms, allowing the tears to fall. They would get through this. She would go to work tomorrow, and then she would talk to Alex in the evening. She loved her, more than air. And she knew Alex felt the same way about her.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Caryn bucked desperately against Rachel, her body slick with sweat, her breath coming in short gasps. "Harder," she pleaded, "I want to really feel you … I need you to … oh God. More … that's it," she grasped her wrist and tried to pull the woman above her deeper in to her. "One more finger, please … ," she cried out as she felt a third finger push against her opening, gasps of pain and pleasure escaping her as the rhythm increased. She released her wrist, and slid her hand round Rachel's neck, pulling her mouth to her straining breast. She arched upwards, pushing her nipple further into her mouth. "Bite me," she pleaded. "I'm going to … oh sweet Jesus … this is … you too," she worked her own fingers in Rachel's center, thrusting her thigh up to increase the friction. "Please," her rock hard nipple grazed against Rachel's teeth. "Together … we should … together … I'm so close. Oh God, you're just exquisite. I need you to hurt me. More. Harder. That's it … oh … come for me … I'm … I'm … ," she screamed her climax, thrusting upward with all her strength as she felt Rachel's body convulse against her own. Rachel drew her out for long moments, grinning as she fell apart in her arms.
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Alex lay awake all night, her heart breaking at what she had done. She heard Olivia stir at 6am, and she slid out of bed. She saw Olivia standing, fully dressed for work, in the kitchen. She looked so tense and sad that Alex's heart broke.
"I'm so sorry," Alex whispered from the doorway. "I'm so very sorry, Liv."
Olivia's head jerked up. "Lex? Oh Alexandra," in two steps, she had reached her shaking lover. She took her in her arms, and held her tight.
"I didn't mean any of it," Alex said.
"I know, baby. I know. It's okay. You look awful, Alex."
"I'm fine," Alex tried to straighten her shoulders. "I'm just so sorry about what I've done to you."
"I'm okay, Lex. I am. You're allowed to get a little antsy. You've been through so much."
"So have you," Alex whispered.
"We'll get through this. Do you really want me to go to work?"
Alex nodded. "You should go. Please. For me."
"Okay, honey. I won't be late."
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Caryn woke at 7am. She looked up to see Rachel watching her. She couldn't decipher the expression on her face. "Good morning," she smiled.
Rachel gave her a small smile back. She took a deep breath. With one long, elegant finger, she stroked Caryn's arm. Caryn shivered at the sensation.
"I don't know who hurt you," Rachel started hesitantly. "And I'm sorry. But you have to know, it doesn't have to be like that. Not every time. And I think that's all you allow yourself now."
Caryn's eyes filled with unwanted tears. "She didn't hurt me," she blurted out, defensively. "It was me. I hurt her. I fucked it up."
"And now you think you only deserve to be fucked? Hard? Is that it?"
Caryn just stared.
"I'm sorry. It's not my place. I know that. I'm just … filling in here. I can see that. But I want you to do one thing for me, will you do that?"
"What?" Caryn whispered.
"Let me remind you how it can be. It can be soft. Loving. Gentle. There's a place for a good, hard fuck, I know that. And believe me, I like it as much as the next woman. Last night was amazing. But, beautiful blondie, I think right now you need a little tenderness. Will you let me do that for you?" she fingered her breast softly, looking sadly at the small bruise that she had inflicted the evening before.
Caryn nodded.
Rachel noticed the small hint of fear in her eyes. She smiled. "You don't have to worry," she whispered. "I'm real good at this. I have a very talented tongue," she kissed her softly. "Just leave this to me."
a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&
Caryn took Rachel's hand as they walked to her van after lunch.
"Will you be in trouble for goofing off?" Rachel asked.
"Me? I haven't been goofing off. I have been recovering from a migraine," Caryn grinned. "Or at least that's what I told them."
Rachel smiled.
"I had a really great time," Caryn said, meaning every word.
Rachel took her face in both hands. "You need to get this sorted," she said, gently. "Either do something to get her back, or get some closure and then move on. You're too good to be wasting your time in bars like that." She kissed her, softly, tenderly, passionately. "You should be kind to yourself. You deserve better."
Caryn just stared as Rachel let herself into her van. She held up one hand in farewell as she drove away.