A/N: French class is a very good time not to pay attention and write. XD Especially when there is a substitute teacher who doesn't know what the hell she's doing… :3 Taking advantage of the situation…? Who, me…? Never. XD Dammit, my stomach keeps making loud hungry-noises. X3 Oops? That's rather disruptive. -sweat drop-
~I'm a little disclaimer, short and sweet, here is my message, here is my truth:
I'm not Kishimoto. Deal with it. -smile-
I love youuuu! XD Enjoy the fluff/drama/angst of this chappie. :D
--
A Tall Cappuccino with a Dash of Yaoi
~Chapter Twelve~
Life was actually going very well for Sasori at the moment, all things considered. A foreign object apparently known under the name of 'a smile' was worn on his face, he'd decided stressing over a few dust bunnies on his floor wasn't a big deal, and he had Deidara. Oh, Deidara… That boy simply seemed to make everything worth the redhead's time. Take those dust bunnies, for example. Lately instead of sweeping them up like life threatening toxic waste, he'd started to amuse himself by imagining them really hopping around and eating carrots. Then again, it probably didn't help much that that same Deidara was slipping extra caffeine into his coffee.
Sasori was beginning to act like a regular, content human being.
Damn, what a sight to behold…
Since he could remember though, his internal body clock never, ever failed to schedule in something not so delightful to his life just as soon as he started behaving like a normal person. This was because Sasori plainly was not a normal, happy go lucky person. He wasn't. There was no way around it; he was born fucked up. No amount of caffeine was about to change that little fact.
Jesus Christ, I swear somebody's out to get me. I can't ever catch a break, can I…?
At least he wasn't so much a fool that he didn't know that much. Honestly, he knew it too well by then.
Poor dear scorpion.
--
"Sasori!" Deidara grinned, a fresh frappuccino geld out in his hand, and a second one on the table. He handed a cup to his addicted boyfriend. "I missed you, un."
Snatching up the coffee with a ravenous spirit, Sasori smiled slightly. "You saw me yesterday…I think that's called separation anxiety." Ah, but he was just as pleased.
"Then I must have separation anxiety, un! So, do you want to come to the mall with me? I need a new belt, un… The one I have now is sort of falling apart, un."
Sasori sucked at the frappuccino straw, already feeling a lovely brain freeze coming on. He smirked and murmured, "What if I like it better falling off…?"
Deidara blushed and sputtered, "No porn at work, un!"
"Ha." He was so cute it was unhealthy. "Of course I'll go with you. Drag me anywhere you want." Well, he'd survived the flea market. He deserved a trophy for that. The flea market was utterly demonic. Coming out of hell alive basically ensured he could come out of any place alive. Maybe slightly traumatized, but alive.
Gripping Sasori's wrist, Deidara sped out of Starbucks, eager for more bonding moments. Therapy moments, more like. That's what the puppet master was starting to fondly think of them as. He'd tried a real therapist once, complete with one of those stereotypical reclining couches, which hadn't been nearly as comfortable as they made them look on television. It wasn't only the couch though; Sasori hadn't liked the whole thing. Spilling his insane guts to a complete stranger was totally not soothing. All it did was make him feel more conflicted than from where he'd started. Hearing him talk about his problems out loud made him feel like an idiot and that he really was certifiably insane. Chiyo was the one who'd prodded him into a few trying a few sessions, so it wasn't much of a surprise he'd loathed it. Chiyo's ideas seldom agreed with him.
After his parents had died when he was young and he'd been sent to live with her, Chiyo didn't talk about them any. Sasori was left to think about them by himself, and all that did was make it worse. The grief, the guilt, the swirling thoughts giving him nausea all through the day and into the night until he fell into a fitful sleep filled with bad dreams. It wasn't even sleep, more like being knocked unconscious. Ha, he'd found himself wishing so many times that he could be unconscious instead of so painfully awake and alive. Immersing himself in making shelves upon shelves of puppets was all he could do to escape and numb his loneliness.
He couldn't blame Chiyo… If their positions were reversed, he wouldn't have had a clue what to do either. She had tried. He knew she'd tried. There wasn't any doubt that she'd wanted to make it better, but she didn't know how. No one had known how, not until Deidara.
With Deidara, Sasori didn't need to talk to flush those demons out of his head. All he had to do was listen to Dei's voice and he would start to see straighter. Everything that was always haunting him went away for a little while…
It felt wonderful.
Sasori wished so badly that the two could have met sooner. He might have been spared so much self hatred. That hatred was still in him now though, because it had infested him for as long as it had. Killing it off wasn't very probable. Something sleeping so deeply in his bones wasn't about to leave without a major, destructive fight first.
--
Finding a belt with shiny studs in Hot Topic wasn't hard for Deidara. He was in so often that the cashier knew him, not unlike how the extended Starbucks family was.
"Maybe I'll work there someday, un." The blonde artist wondered as they stepped out, the loud metal music being replaced by the subtle buzz of mall life. "I think it would be fun…"
"No!" Sasori interjected firmly, squeezing Dei's hand in his. "Then you couldn't make me my coffee… Then I wouldn't get to see you every day…"
"Awh," he melted, squeezing back. "Would you miss me, un?"
The redhead shifted his eyes down. "Yeah…" He murmured, "I would…"
Dei's expressive eyes glowed with glee. "You would." Smiling to himself a little, he noticed the large fountain in the middle of the building. "Hey, un." He mentioned, watching the water bubble. "Want to go make a wish, un?"
Sasori looked over to the fountain. A few kids were tossing coins into the pool around it. That was something he'd never found the time to do, even when he was their age. He wondered how many other things he'd missed out on, locking himself inside his room all the time. Still, even today, he was keeping himself all locked up. Just like he'd never bothered growing up, it felt like…or maybe what he'd done was grow up too fast.
Fuck it.
To hell with it.
He was going to make a wish now. He refused to let it be too late to be happy somewhere. No, no…don't bother. You'll just fuck it up again and then…
Ah, what the hell.
Rainbows.
Rainbow sprinkles and kisses and snow globes, dammit!
"Sure." Sasori nodded, taking two coins from his pocket. "Let's go wish for something."
Dei seemed surprised for a split second, but grinned warmly, knowingly. He took a dime and studied it before closing his eyes and closing his fist around it. Drawing in a small swallow of air, he opened his eyes and tossed the coin into the water, satisfied. "Your turn, un!"
It floated gently down to the bottom. Sasori waited for it to settle in one spot before he started to think of a wish. How did a person really wish? What did he want most, anyway? Already he knew he didn't want to be selfish about it. He was sick of acting so selfishly, even though he knew all he'd do was turn around and bite that resolution in the ass too. It was time he at least tried to give something back for once.
To Deidara.
I wish for you to be happy. That's all…
And he threw in his dime, feeling accomplished, as it sat next to his boyfriend's. His lover's… because Dei was more to him than only a person to grope. (Not that he was opposed to groping…) Dei was somebody he could bring himself to really trust. Sasori didn't go around trusting just anyone…
"Can I ask what yours was for, un?" The sculptor looked at him hopefully. "I mean, you don't have to tell me if you think saying will jinx it or something, but…un?"
"Ha…" You're too cute. Someday that damn cuteness is going to break your face, you know that? "It was about me hoping a certain person could always keep a smile on their lips…"
"Oh." Deidara scratched his head embarrassedly. "I must look like a total self centered asshole now, un! All mine was about was for you to kiss me… Ah, I wasted it, dammit, un!"
"No you didn't." He said soothingly, stepping forward and pulling him closer. "Your wish is granted." (Definitely not opposed to groping.)
"Mmm…" the blonde moaned, gladly submitting to the kiss. He hugged himself into Sasori, who didn't mind. It was warm when they were together. Warmth was a thing that they had been missing from his life for too long.
"Oh, fuck. Would they get a room?!" The scornful voice carried loudly across to them, and they stopped to look up. A grimacing man stood watching them with two of his cronies behind him. His eyebrows went up a moment in shock as he took Deidara in. "Oh, fuck!" He sneered. "That's another dude." His friends sniggered with sick mirth. "Looks like we got us a couple of dirty faggots on our hands today, boys…"
A pit formed in Sasori's belly. Why did they even care…? They didn't know them. They had no reason to bother them… They had to reason to go flinging around hate like that. Instinctively, he grabbed Deidara's hand again and took a step back. Now he just wanted to get away.
Deidara had other ideas. With his eyes narrowed angrily, he spat, "What does it matter, un?! Go away!"
"Ooh," the ringleader chuckled, not backing off an inch. "A feisty faggot!"
Wearily, Sasori tugged on the barista's arm. "Dei-chan, let's go, okay? It's not worth it. Please?" He didn't like the way things were going. The air was getting thicker with every word. It made him way too uneasy, and leaving sounded very good. "Dei-chan?"
"I don't' care, un." He insisted, not budging. "I'm so fucking tired of people like him, Danna!"
Hearing his pet name for Sasori made them laugh even louder. "Danna?! Jesus! That's disgusting. You're a disgrace to mankind."
Sasori flinched. That isn't true…that isn't true!
The leader continued to badger them, his eyes alight with malice. "So what do you think, hm? Am I hot? You wanna kiss me, Blondie?"
Deidara's teeth were gritted. "Hell no, un."
"You little bitch." He rasped, his fists quick to ball up. "You little bitch!"
"Dei, come on." Sasori whispered, feeling a cold chilly shimmy up his spine. "Please let's leave."
"But Danna—" The worked up blonde stopped midway through, having heard the tremor in his voice. Blinking once, hard and long, he tried to shake it off. "Okay…" He said slowly, quietly "Let's go. They make me so sick, un…the just make me so sick a can't take it sometimes…especially when it's with you…"
"Where you goin' you whore?!" The jeer followed them as they turned away, shuffling to safety. "Yeah, that's right! Run away. Run away…!"
Sasori hated the lump in his chest. He hated the way it was spreading to his throat and the way his eyes were starting to burn.
He hated the way that he was running away.
Again.
All he did was run away, leaving his problems to grow, letting the shit get deeper and deeper and fucking deeper. Deeper and deeper until he was standing up to his neck in it, and it creeped steadily up to his nose. Soon he knew he might not be able to breathe in it…
Dei-chan…
--
He tried his best to clear his head from the mental nausea, breathing in the sweet smell of Deidara's hair. They were back at his apartment now, holding each other tightly on his couch. The first time Sasori had seen the clutter and the clay strewn everywhere, he'd been appalled, but not any more. Now they were a comfort he desperately needed all day long, craving it.
That scared him because he didn't like to be vulnerable like that.
He didn't want to make Deidara vulnerable.
Too late now…
…fuck.
"Are you okay, un?"
"Hm?"
Deidara looked away shyly, his brow furrowed. "You're acting all brooding and sad, un."
"Oh."
"Is it because of those assholes, un?"
"Mm. Yeah. I guess." Partly. But mostly it's me… Me being an idiot for the millionth time.
I'll never learn, will I?
"Don't pay attention to them, un. They don't know anything, they're just stupid bigots with no lives or brains or souls. Okay? Danna, un? Okay?"
"Of course."
"Don't let it get to you, un. Even though it got to me…let it go, un."
"Let it go?"
"Don't dwell on it too long, un. I think that's what I'm trying to say…? Because there's always going to be people like that, un. You just go on living and trying to be happy…"
"People. Ha. They don't deserve the honor of being called people, Dei. They're monsters…"
He winced. "Ehh. Danna, spreading the hate won't get us anywhere, un!"
"What the fuck do I do, then?!" He groaned, tossing back his head. Guilt was wearing on him, the guilt of knowing he hadn't tried to protect him. Instead, he'd tried to run away. Bolt.
"Run away! Yeah, that's right. Run away."
Obeying.
Yet again.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do?!" Sasori growled, hating himself and them and those horrible, tearing words and the world. Life was a see-saw and he was always the skinny, hopeless kid getting launched onto his sore ass by the huge bully. Always, and it made him want to curl up and cry for the rest of his life.
What life?
He lived an empty life of self-pity…
"Danna!" Dei whispered, trying to calm him down. "Danna, Danna…"
"No! It's not okay!" Sasori cried, full well knowing he was over-reacting. A melt-down…something he was afraid to have with a therapist or Chiyo, or even by himself. "What's wrong with me, Dei…?" He choked, springing off of the couch, watching his hands shake. "I'm so…so…I'm such a fucking failure, Dei! Everything…I ruin it. I kill everyone. Everyone. And I'm the only one left…"
"Danna…" Alarmed, he jumped up and grabbed Sasori, hanging onto him like a fragile precious gemstone. But he was fragile, so fragile. Still a child, even though he was so narcissistic and cold… "You're not the only one left, un. I don't know what all you're talking about, but you're not the only one, un."
"How's…how is that…?" He choked, trying to get back in control, falling limp in Deidara's grip. Hold me and tell me I'm not crazy. Hold me and tell me the voices in my head aren't there, and I've been asleep since my parents died, and tell me I imagined everything… Everything, okay?
"Me." He answered simply, hanging on. "Me. I'm not dead, u. I'm right here, and I won't leave you."
"Oh…!"
"Me," he repeated, "Me."
"That's true…isn't it…"
"Yeah, un."
Know what I should've wished at the fountain? That I'd never thought once 'I wish I were dead'. Because if I'd never once thought that, then maybe it would still be possible for me to make you happy like I want you to always be.
That's what I should have wished.
'I wish I were dead', huh…?
Or am I already dead, because it feels so goddamned good in your arms…?
--
A/N: Meep. Let me say that I really, really, really, don't like that word. The other F-word. No, not fuck, obviously, because I use that way too much… x3 But I'm using the conversations at my stupid homophobic school to characterize those assholes at the mall. -hugs Sasori- Listen to Dei, you idiot!
I hope you liked the drama though. :D I did… x3 Dammit, I just love to write angst! -shot-
Oh, and see that epic different new review button below…? Try it out…? -shot again- Damn. But I got lost trying to find my way around the new layout. XD
I loff you all!! :3333