A/N: This chapter is about Merlin´s destiny as Emrys. I have already explained that I believe the entire prophecy thing is part of Kilgharrah´s manipulation. I don´t want to discuss this again. This chapter is only about Merlin´s way to handle his alleged destiny.

Meri Ley: I do totally agree with you, especially Morgana and Merlin as father & mother of Aithusa.

anthi35 and cathrine10: You are right. There was a very short time, where Merlin doubted the dragon. It is still strange to see the team Kilgharrah and Gaius. It is definitely worth to speculate about their motivations.

You are also right about Merlin not knowing enough about being dragonlord. I think it is one of his major weaknesses, that he knows almost nothing about magic in general. Gaius is partially responsible for this by telling him that the Old Religion is evil etc.

By the way, your chapter has 45 clicks now and the number is still increasing.

ProcrastinationIsMyCrime: I do also prefer to say that Merlin was naïve at the beginning and became more and more obsessed in time. I don´t know what would have happened if either Gaius or Kilgharrrah would have acted differently, but I fear the young Merlin was no match at all.

horoscopesarelies: No, you are not too harsh. Okay, yes Merlin was manipulated by others and all other characters had very stupid thinking/actions. But the results of Merlin´s doing are so extremely against his destinies as dragonlord and Emrys. I often asked myself: "Which side are you on?" (especially the 3 years between season 4 and 5) I hope you will enjoy this chapter, too.

Chapter 11: Merlin as Emrys – how I messed my destiny up

To make this chapter more exciting and more funny we will have a look into Merlin´s brain. But how can we do this? Well I made a big catch and stole Merlin´s diary. I can almost see the question marks in your faces: "WHAT A DIARY?!" Yes, diary. Even the great Emrys needs a hobby, between mucking out the stable and protecting Arthur? He did also need someone to talk to. This could be the only way to understand Merlin´s motivations and thinking.

Just to remember the basic of the prophecy: Merlin will help Arthur to make peace, bring magic back and unite Albion. Take your marks, get set, go! Let´s save the world.

Season 1:

Dear diary, (`The Mark of Nimueh´ (S01 E03))

I just start to understand the true extend of Camelot´s war against magic. Ealdor was nothing compared to this big city. I cannot risk being seen using magic. I would lose my head very quickly. Remember it will be much harder to fulfill our destiny as a dead man. But does this really mean I have to keep silent when innocent people are murdered all the time because of being born with magic. Uncle Gaius says: "Yes, under all circumstances!" But I´m better than that. At least I can try to do something, like healing Gwen´s father with magic

Dear diary, (`To Kill the King´ (S01 E12))

Thank goodness! The situation is not as worse as I had expected. There are people, who resist Camelot´s `magic-is-evil´-mantra. Even more one of these persons is Morgana, a seer and good friend. There is just a tiny problem. Morgana is actually willing to help magic people without thinking about her own safety. She tried to free Gwen´s father when he was imprisoned because of corporation with a sorcerer. Moreover she became very angry when he was killed and she was imprisoned. This is a no-go! It would attract too much attention. Therefore I had to make a decision. I saved Uther. It might seem strange, but it was the only way. Morgana can go and jump in the lake!

Dear diary, (`The Labyrinth of Gedref´ (S01 E11))

His royal pratness´ (you know I talk about Arthur) agrees with his father almost all of the time. He told me that sorcery is treason and must be punished by death once again. But from time to time there is a hint of something different. Today he killed a unicorn and tried to kill a druid. But he did the right thing after I pushed him a few times.

Dear diary, (`Le Morte d'Arthur´ (S01 E13))

I did learn that there are sorcerers, who hate Uther and want him dead. An example is the sorceress Nimueh, who attacked Camelot. It is quite understandable considering Uther´s crimes against magic. That brings me to an important question: "Is the enemy of my enemy my friend?" In other words, is it possible that some of these sorcerers can help me to end the war? But no she was evil. I freaked out at the end, when Gaius was at risk and killed Nimueh in cold blood. The power was somehow scaring but also overwhelming.

Season 2:

Dear diary,

I have adopted Gaius´s moral concept of good and evil: good sorcerers (e.g. the druids) are killed by Camelot´s soldiers without any resistance. But all the others, who fight for their freedom and survival, are evil and must be destroyed for the benefit of Camelot. Another person would ask: "Who can actually survive under these conditions?" But I know that destiny will fix everything.

Dear diary, (`The Nightmare Begins´ (S02 E03))

Things have become more complicated when Morgana found out about her magic. I avoided her until lately, but she begged me for help. I could regain a powerful friend and ally, but Gaius and the dragon told me that she is destined to be evil. Do you have any ideas what to do? No? Me too. Okay I did a little bit of everything. It is so hard to choose one side. I send Morgana to the druids. They will help her and I can avoid any further interference. Damn! I did not really think about it. Arthur and an army were on a mission to save the kings ward. It´s just too stupid that my campfire showed them the way to the druids. What could I do to stop them? I could have created a magical barrier, delay the time, create an illusion, etc? It is really hard to have all the powers of the almighty Emrys, isn´t it? A fog is good enough. I was not my fault that most of the druids were slaughtered. It was important that nobody has seen me. But it is still strange to think about it in the aftermath. Is Arthur really destined to bring peace and free magic? He didn´t look like a hero, did he? But hey Morgana trusts me completely. I could use the chance and tell her about my magic. She would not run to Uther. But no! The dragon and Gaius will be right. I trust them. It is destiny after all. I cannot fail. It has been foretold for centuries.

Dear diary, (`The Witchfinder´ (S02 E07))

I played a little bit with my magic. What's could have happened? Hard luck! Someone has seen me and Uther sent for a witchfinder. This guy was focused on Morgana and Gaius. But hey calm down! I fixed everything. I actually start to believe in this Emrys prophecy.

Dear diary, (`The Sins of the Father´ (S02 E08))

Hallelujah! It has happened. This is the chance to fulfill our destiny. A blonde sorceress, named Morgause, appeared today and beat Arthur in a fair combat. Moreover she spared him twice. Arthur respects her, although she is a sorceress. But it´s getting even better. She told Arthur the truth about his birth and the war against magic. Uther, this swine, used the death of his wife as justification for the war, although it is his fault. Arthur, the beloved crown prince of Camelot, is touched by magic. The people would welcome magic with open arms and Arthur would end the war. STOP! I told him that Morgause was lying? Did I actually extend Uther´s regime of terror and tyranny for an indefinite time? Did I make Arthur hate magic even more? Did I approve death and suffer of hundreds of sorcerers and druids? Ahem, yes I did. But why? Did I try to protect Gaius, who made the deal with Nimueh or did I think about the prophecy? It is written that Emrys is destined to help Arthur and not a blond bitch that comes along. I´m Emrys. It is my job to help Arthur. The only thing that matters is that Arthur is fine. Okay, he was never at risk. But he would have killed his father, wouldn´t he. I could have convinced him to imprison Uther. The dungeons are empty after all, because execution is the only punishment in Camelot. But no I did the right thing. Don´t think about it. Nevertheless it was still a strange feeling when Uther thanked me for saving him. He started the war against magic to protect a lie and I extended it to protect the same lie. It´s really complicated to be destined. How shall I handle all these responsibilities and considerations?

Dear diary, (`The Fires of Idirsholas´ (S02 E12))

Phew, what a day! Morgause and Morgana attacked Camelot with a sleeping spell. Okay yes I saved the day once again, but it doesn´t feel good. However, it doesn´t change anything to ponder about it. It was all Morgana´s fault and therefore she had to die. I had no choice, except to poison her and to use her life as bargain tool. Morgana made her choice. She chose to be evil or did she not? She did not really act as if she knows what´s going on. She was really scared. Okay, yes I could have talked to her. I could have asked her about Morgause or the spell. Nonsense! The dragon was right. She is evil. Every hero needs an enemy and now I know my enemy. It´s time to keep a promise and free the dragon.

Season 3:

Dear diary, (`The Tears of Uther Pendragon´ (S03 E01 & E02))

Morgana has returned and our fears came true. She is completely obsessed by killing Uther. It was a very emotional confrontation. Her hatred for Uther is so overwhelming that she puts him on a level with Camelot. I tried to talk to her. I have told her: "…I can find another way…", but she don´t want to listen. Okay, yes I didn´t talk to her when I sacrificed her to save Camelot, but that was a different situation. There was no other way at this time, wasn´t it? However, Arthur is not ready to be king and that means things have to stay as they are.

Dear diary, (`The Crystal Cave´ (S03 E05))

Wow, Morgana is Uther´s daughter. Okay yes, she didn´t try to kill Uther when I pushed her down the stairs. Why didn´t I have seen this in the crystals? Why did I heal her? Did I cause all this? Prophecies are so complicated. However, the only thing that matters is that Arthur is fine. I cannot waste my time with thinking about other stuff.

Dear diary, (`The Sorcerer's Shadow´ (S03 E11))

There was a young sorcerer, named Gili, today. He tried to beat Uther by magic and hope to gain respect this way. But I have stopped him just in time. I knew almost nothing about him. However I told him about my magic. But it is okay, I did the same for Freya when I knew her for a few hours (`The Lady of the Lake´ (S02 E09)). I would have done the same for Morgana, especially considering that she trusted me more than anyone else. But she was destined to be evil. Therefore it was not my fault that I could not talk to her.

Dear diary, (`The Coming of Arthur´ (S03 E12 & E13))

The battle is over. We reclaimed Camelot and more important Arthur proved that he is a better king than his father by respecting his knights at the Round Table. But one thing could cause great anxiety: Morgana´s magic is strong. Okay, yes she had no control and no plan what she was doing when she laid the throne room in ashes. Her emotions are very powerful and a massive weapon. She will be a big danger, when Morgause is actually dead.

Season 4:

Dear diary,

Morgana´s hatred for Camelot and Arthur has increased enormously since the death of her sister. There is only one thing that matters is to protect Arthur.

Dear diary, (`The Wicked Day´ (S04 E02))

Long live the king! Arthur became king when Morgana get her revenge on Uther. I have tried to heal him, but failed because of Morgana. But one thing was a little strange. Arthur asked me for magical help, although magic is punishable by death. It would be quite impolitic that the king is using magic for his own advantage. Therefore it had to be a secret, otherwise it could cause some unwanted questions. However Arthur is king and I could or should use this opportunity to tell him the truth about his birth and the war against magic. I mean the idea of the lie was to protect him from doing something that he might regret. Many people have paid a high price because of this. Arthur would surely believe us if we would tell him the truth. Gaius can prove it. That would give Arthur the possibility to fulfill his destiny and free magic. By the way, I just realize the changes in my recent talks with Gaius and Kilgharrah about destiny? There was not one word about freeing magic, bringing peace, etc. in a long time. It was all about protecting Arthur. Who knows?

Dear diary, (`A Servant of Two Masters´ (S04E06))

Morgana tried to control me with a Fomorroh and sent me to kill Arthur. But I bet her. But she didn´t behave like I had expected. She did not act like an evil witch. She was almost…human. She healed me, she talked to me and she feared me more than anything else. Can you understand what she meant, when she said: "Don't think I don't understand loyalty just because I have no one left to be loyal too." or "…Magic has no place in Camelot, it never will. Not until I take the throne…". I guess she really believes this. That brings me to an important question: "Why did I not kill her, when I had the chance to do so?" Forget it! The only thing that I have to know is that Morgana is evil.

Dear diary, (`A Herald of the New Age´ (S04 E10))

Today Arthur proved that he has the potential to become the prophesied king. He was confronted with his past and apologized to the spirit of a druid boy, who was slaughtered during the war. Arthur said that he regrets his actions, but he was a victim of Uther´s brainwashing. Therefore it was not his fault. Arthur is a good king. I know this for sure, because of Kilgharrah and Gaius. Prophecies are always right and cannot be misinterpreted. But it was still shocking to learn these things about Arthur´s past. What else did he do before I became his servant and protector? But that was in the past and I have helped him to become a better person and king. Moreover he vowed that sorcerers will life in peace from now on. I'll bet you anything that he is already rewriting the laws. The ban against magic will be lifted tomorrow. Okay maybe next week? Something like this needs time after all.

Dear diary, (`The Sword of the Stone´ (S04 E12 & E13))

We reclaimed Camelot once again. Agravaine and his army are gone. Just 2 years ago I would have tried to stop them by nonlethal magic, like a fog. But this Merlin belongs to the past. Emrys has eliminated this threat forever.

Season 5:

Dear diary,

There was peace for three long years. I didn´t hear anything from Morgana or any other sorcerer, who tried to attack Camelot. Life was good as Arthur´s friend. Okay, yes there is no progress about freeing magic, but this is not important at the moment. Mordred is back. I know he will unite with Morgana. Now it´s up to me to protect Arthur. I´m the great, almighty and all-knowing Emrys and will eliminate all enemies.

Dear diary, (`Arthur´s Bane´ (S05 E01 & E02))

Arthur knighted Mordred, because he stabbed Morgana. But I know this is just a trick of Mordred. I cannot trust him.

Dear diary, (`The Disir´ (S05 E05))

Arthur has asked me about magic. He actually said: "Sorcery will reign once more in Camelot. Is that what you want? Perhaps my father was wrong, perhaps the old ways aren´t as evil as I thought. What should I do?" I know there is only one answer and therefore my response was absolutely clear: "There can´t be a place for magic in Camelot." I know this was one of these situations I have been waiting for, but I have learned from the past. The only thing that matters right now is Arthur´s life. There will be enough time to think about other things when Morgana, Mordred and all the other villains that threat Arthur and Camelot are eliminated. That will be the time to achieve freedom and justice for the remaining druids and sorcerers. But before this I have to be Arthur´s magical guardian. That is my destiny.

Dear diary, (`With All My Heart´ (S05 E09))

Once again Arthur used magic. It was to heal Gwen from Morgana´s enchantment. What would happen if the people would know about these secret misusing of magic? Once again he promised to reconsider his opinion about magic. I´m sure he will keep his promise this time. But I did also fail today. I tried to leave Mordred unprotected so that Morgana could finish him. But he survived.

Dear diary, (`The Drawing of the Dark´ (S05 E11))

Mordred has finally showed his traitorous face after the execution of his girlfriend. These damned magic fanatics will never see Arthur as the perfect king. However it gives me the possibility to fight against Mordred openly.

Dear diary, (`The Diamond of the Day´ (S05 E12 & E13))

Arthur is dead, although I tried my best to protect him. I killed Morgana and all the other evil sorcerers, who attacked Camelot because of this stupid war. The Pendragons are dead, Uther, Morgana and Arthur. Do I feel guilty in some ways? Why is Kilgharrah still talking about prophecies, destiny and things like that?

Summary: What do you think? Do we understand what´s going on in the head of our hero? Well I believe it is amazing to see the similarities between the ultimate hero (Merlin) and his nemesis (Morgana). Both had the same aim at the beginning. The only difference was their way to achieve this aim. Both were manipulated by persons around them and were corrupted by their powers. At the end freeing magic or helping people did not matter at all, because of their focusing on protecting Arthur (Merlin) and taking revenge (Morgana). You could say: "The end justifies the means." How did they say: „I grew up."

My main issue with Merlin is not about becoming obsessed or not helping Morgana. Of course, both are wrongs, but are results of the manipulation by Kilgharrah and Gaius. I blame Merlin for reinterpreting his alleged destiny. Nobody forbid him to talk to Arthur about magic. Nobody told him to waste all the possibilities to free magic and to help people. It was Merlin´s own choice to be a magical weapon instead of a friend and advisor as it was (supposedly) prophesied. There was a point in Merlin´s life, where he actually started to see himself as something more than a person with weaknesses and wrongs. He became the almighty and all-knowing Emrys – at least in his imagination. There is one statement in `The Tears of Uther Pendragon´ (S03 E02), which describes this very well. Merlin says: "We can find another way." I do totally agree with that. There were other ways to free magic. But why did he never think this way about his own actions (e.g. poisoning Morgana, lying about Arthur´s birth). It is like Merlin wants to say: "I did not have another choice; I did always do the one and only thing." The question is: "Did he really look for other ways?" I will leave it to you to make your own opinion.

PS: That was the longest and last chapter of this fic. I want to thank everyone, who read at least one chapter. Of course my greatest gratitude belongs to those who followed and reviewed. I started writing because I was very annoyed by the simplified Good-and-Evil stories. Therefore I wanted to write just a few chapters about the `Big Four´ (Gwen, Arthur, Morgana and Merlin). But I realized that every character of the show is worth to discuss, because everyone has his/her `gaga-moments´ (especially in season 5).

I had great fun to discuss the mischiefs and contradictions in the actions and thinking of the characters. It is my conclusion that the heroes and villains are just people. Okay most of them are really naive, arrogant, obsessed, stupid,…. people. But that makes it so interesting and funny. I guess the best way to handle the entire story is to make a clear separation between the show and the legend. If you do so you will find there is every reason to ask questions. But the most important thing is: You could and should laugh about it!

I am not sure if I will find an idea for a new story. At the moment I need a break. However I will follow you.

Thank you very very much!