Okay, I was going to update this yesterday, but fanfiction was being really stupid and not letting me upload this chapter. I don't know why; it worked just fine right now. Anyway, here you go (the notes are from yesterday, so they may not be relevant, but I'm too lazy to change them).
I got two reviews - and I know I'm not going to get anymore at this point, so I'm posting early. But, come on, please review! It only takes a minute or two! Anyway, here's Chapter 12.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Set Fire to the Rain.
Sasha knew that Severus and the rest were going to try and return to the Dark Lord that night, but she was certain that she had no intent of going along with them. She didn't want to do this anymore. She didn't want to have to lie to herself anymore! It wasn't fair to any of them, least of all Sirius, who found her after Transfiguration. She tried to hide her face from him, but before she could walk away, he grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her to face him.
"Sirius," she mumbled at her feet in greeting. "Listen," Sasha continued, taking a deep breath and fake-smiling up at him. "I've got to go, but maybe we can talk later?"
"Don't play dumb with me, Sasha," Sirius told her. "I'm pretty sure I know you well enough to know when something's wrong."
Sasha shrugged away from him, trying to escape to where Carmen and Anna were sitting at the Ravenclaw table. "I really have to go, Sirius," she hissed at him, serious this time.
He narrowed his eyes. "Is this about the Death Eater thing?"
"How do you and your abominable friend Potter know about that?" Sasha snapped, feeling her anger bubble over the edge.
"Potter? You mean James? Wait, James talked to you?" Sirius asked, looking bewildered.
Suddenly, Sasha couldn't care less whether Sirius was on great terms with his buddy Potter. That wasn't important, not at all. "Go deal with your friend, Sirius. I don't care what you do. Just leave me alone. I don't need you right now," Sasha spat at him, spinning around on the heel of her shoe and marching over to the Ravenclaw table. Who cared what Sirius Black and James Potter thought? Even if it was exactly what she was thinking?
"Look, Severus," Sasha breathed, her eyes shut tightly so that he couldn't see what she was thinking, or she him. "I can't do this."
"What?" Severus exclaimed, and she felt him jump back from where he was sitting, holding her hand.
"I'm serious," she whispered, not even knowing if he could hear her. "I can't do this. I can't be a Death Eater for you. It's not me, it's not what I want. If you want to go, you can go. I won't stop you, and I won't reproach you for it, but I just can't do this. Severus, please believe me. I tried. But you can't expect me to do this for you." Sasha knew she sounded completely desperate, but didn't try to fix it.
"Come on, Sasha," Severus said in a soft, understanding voice. Gratefulness forced her eyes open to see a smiling Severus. Despite the happy sight, her heart sank into her stomach, for she knew that look - it was Severus' I-can-fix-everything look. But this was something he couldn't fix. "Just think what we would be doing. We would be helping the Dark Lord! Establishing wizard rule, so firmly above Muggles! Getting rid of useless Mudbloods and Half-breeds and such! Can you imagine what kind of world we'd be helping create?"
"One where the Dark Lord ruled everyone, giving Purebloods and his followers rights that others don't get, just for helping him get rid of Muggles and such, using the Dark Arts," Sasha responded in a hollow voice. Severus' face lit up, happy that she was understanding. But he was wrong once again.
Sasha closed her eyes again, absorbed in her thoughts. All the reasons he gave for going to the Dark Lord are the reasons you don't want to go, the voice in her head pointed out. It was right, too. Everything Severus had told her was so wrong for her, so utterly opposite of what she wanted. Unbidden tears welled up in Sasha's eyes, despite that her lids were covering them. She blinked quickly, but closed them immediately at Severus' still-hopeful expression, feeling horrible, both for him and for her.
"You're wrong, Severus," she iterated clearly, before she could give in to her heart's wishes - or non-wished. "Those are all the reasons I don't want to come with you to see the Dark Lord. I don't want wizards to rule above Muggles. It's not fair to set Purebloods above the rest, just because their blood is supposedly 'better.' I don't know how you can even think that. You're a half-blood. And I don't know how you can want to go to the Dark Lord and help him kill and torture. Don't you have a heart? Don't you feel compassion for all the children that will be and already have been made orphans? For the sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers that sit at home and cry? Don't you feel that it's wrong?" With a slight shudder, she opened her eyes to see a completely dumbfounded Severus staring at her.
"I don't know what to say," he responded after a lot of flapping of his mouth.
"How about, 'that's okay, I understand, I have to go, but I'll love you even if you don't?'" Sasha actually begged in a small voice, something that was so very unlike her that Severus almost seemed like he was going to agree.
"I can't do that," Severus told her, somewhat harshly. "I can't believe that you would just give up. I thought you were better than that. I thought you were worthy of me, Sasha."
She flinched as each of his words hit her heart like shards of glass, shattering everything she believed in with a slow kind of torture. Of all the things she'd expected he'd say, it wasn't this. "It's not my fault you're asking me to be someone I'm not, Severus," she protested, anger taking the place of her softer emotions. "It's not fair to me. If you would only have me if I was someone else, then maybe you aren't worthy of me."
"Ha," Severus scoffed, his black eyes turning to coal. "I should've known a Ravenclaw girl like you would turn out to be a coward.
"Aha," Sasha exclaimed, outraged. "Are you suggesting that someone else would be less of a coward? Like, say, a Gryffindor girl?"
Severus' eyes grew to slits. "What are you implying?"
"Well, I don't know. Maybe that you're still in love with Lily Evans and you always have? That even if I'd come with you I could never have had your whole heart? That you set me to a higher standard because you think that if I come with you and believe in you and love you more, I'll someday become her? Because, Sev, that's not me. I can't be your Lily Evans. She left you because of this stuff, didn't come back when you begged like a pathetic little dog, and you still love her. Now I'm telling you I can't give my life, my personality, away for you, and you just get mad? How is that fair?" Sasha shouted, her temper now fully unleashed.
Sputtering, Severus backed up, leaning against a tree behind him, appearing to be completely flabbergasted. "I thought... You know what, you're right. You can never be Lily Evans for me, because she was better. She was perfect for me, Sasha, and I've been kidding myself all this time I've been with you. I can't love anyone other than Lily, because she was The One. I could've loved you, Sasha, but never like that."
Sasha stared at Severus in wonder. She had wanted him to deny all that she had said, to tell her that he loved her and her alone. But now she wasn't sure if she had really wanted that at all - because she would have known it was a lie, regardless of how convincing he could be. Finally, after what seemed like ages of being rooted to the stop, Sasha jumped up and walked away. Severus didn't do anything to stop her. Somehow, that hurt more than everything he'd said before.
She didn't know how many times she'd crossed the grounds, circled the lake, and hiked all the way around the castle, when another set of footsteps joined hers. Sasha turned her teary eyes on Sirius, and smiled at him. "Well, this is getting kind of old, isn't it?"
Sirius laughed and smiled back. "I'm fine with the whole comfort thing. Especially if it has the same perks as last time," he added, winking.
Surprisingly, Sasha didn't mind his laughing. For some reason, as soon as he had arrived, the weight on her heart had seemed to lift, or at least become many times lighter. It would take a while to get over Severus. If you ever do, the voice in her head told her added unhelpfully. "Oh, don't count on it," she responded, almost hating herself for doing this, but feeling it was time to stop sulking. It felt like she'd been moping around all year. Time to stop.
"Sasha..." Sirius began, looking concerned and genuine. "What's wrong?"
"What gave me away? The tears or the fact that I know you've been watching me walk around and around all day on that map of yours?" Sasha giggled, but another tear oozed out of her eye in giveaway.
"Sasha, stop," Sirius told her, his eyes clouded with worry. Aw, that's sweet, she thought, against her will.
"Severus and I broke up," she sighed finally, her eyes downcast.
Sirius started. She could tell that despite all his friendly concern and pity, he was the tiniest bit overjoyed at the news. "Oh, Sasha, I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"No, you're not, Sirius, but that's okay," she smiled. "Honest."
Sirius didn't smile back, however. "All I want is for you to be happy, Sasha. And it will never make me happy if you're sad."
Sasha smiled at him. Somehow, that was exactly what she had wanted to hear.
Wow. That was way more intense than I expected. I did not expect Severus and Sasha to fight... But, oh, well. I think it worked. Don't you? Tell me in reviews, please!