Guys, da fuck I'm so sorry! I wanted to update earlier, but then school started again and this chapter was torture to write. This chapter is pretty much thecore idea of the story, so... I wanted it to be alright.
Enough apologies, you'll find this chapter rather odd so carry on!
(By the way, I love all of you reviewers.)
The next week is shallow and uncertain, terrifying and unweilding, yet filled with grins, giggles and the occasional unheard laugh of a madman.
Magnus is excited, in his own refined and harsh way. He's decided he wants in Alec's pants, and he's getting there. No heavy emotions seem to be involved, but there still there if he choses to explore them, but can be disintegrated if he chooses not to. He knows this relationship is somewhat of an insane scam, that can be easily destroyed or built. They're not that far in yet, and to Magnus, sex is simply that. Sex. If he wants a true relationship, that's something that comes with trust and love, something he surely doesn't feel for Alec.
Surely.
But, like any good gay best friend, he tells Camille that he's going to do it with his roommate (she asks if they're going to elope, naturally, and if she can come.) after Alec's weekly visit with Max. He fancies himself and Alec ready for it, ignoring that little voice in his head telling him it's too early. He doesn't really care, does he? Should he?
Magnus has one foot jammed in the door while the other one is free to roam as far as it can. He wants to have sex with Alec, (actually, he really just wants to have sex) he's well aware of it, but he's hesitantly afraid of how it'll alter things. It's intimate, and something he has done with many nameless people, but none of those people are so... Alec.
Whatever. It's not like he cares. But... the dark haired teen has to admit that he likes this newer Alec, the one he's just starting to see. He's smart, occasionally shy and sometimes the words that fly from his mouth make Magnus doubt his sanity, in neither a decidingly good or bad way. Alec's overpowering sometimes, his eyes glinting with something unknown, and then he fades back and Magnus kind of likes the unpredictability of it all.
He'd not perfect, but to Magnus he doesn't seem bad. He just seems kind of... off, but whatever. Magnus has more important things to think about than his boyfriend, especially since Stacy Tyler and Drew Adams just broke up for reasons unknown. That's the only kind of important, or even seemingly relevant, mystery in his life. And if turning a blind eye to whatever is mucking up Alec, then... it is what it is. His feelings are too mixed about the ever-changing blue eyes.
All week long Alec's mind is stuck in a chaos that he despises.
He's scared. He's so, so scared. He really wants it, to have sex, but now that it's a possibility… he's not sure. He wants to do it, the theory is perfect, but will the result match his hypothesis? If it doesn't, he's screwed, both in literal translation and metaphor. His fears about this shouldn't change anything, and though they're rather logical he still hates having them. He hates being so weak, so afraid to destroy himself while equally afraid to remain somewhat intact. He shouldn't be so afraid, this is what he wants. Where's all that determination, that cowardly bravery from just a week ago? He can't help, though, but to be scared.
He doesn't get it, the way his morals are creeping back to him. He's not a virgin, not really, but he can't help but to think the way he was taught, that it should matter. If he wants to have sex, it shouldn't be about revenge or hate… It shouldn't be to spite his parents. It should be about him and the other person… about him and Magnus. He trusts Magnus to some extent, he's the only person that even comes close to gaining his trust in such a way, and he wants and doesn't want to have sex with him and he just doesn't fucking understand.
But he needs this. He needs to have sex, to change something crucial about himself… he just isn't living, not with the way the wheels in his head squeak together with the same old repeated sound of ache and wear.
But maybe he is living.
The moments he spends with Magnus over the week, though laced with confusion and awkwardness, aren't unpleasant. They don't get along perfectly, they have their differences but altogether they work. Alec couldn't ask for a better, and subsequently worse, person to do this to. He probably won't completely regret having sex.
Even if he does regret having sex, he'll likely be too numb to care, but he won't mind that it's Magnus. Magnus has never intentionally hurt him, which is a lot more than Alec can say for most people. While he's still uncomfortable, he's been able to give Magnus oral again, he's even managed to stay semi-hard through it. He's done well so far, and he's going to make it all the way, he's going to destroy himself with the impure intentions that rage through his heart. It's funny how those impure thoughts stemmed from an impure action that he honestly didn't entirely bring upon himself.
Alec hates that he trusts Magnus, that he's starting to want to smile without act when the other teen is around. That it takes a moment longer for Alec to retract his body with memories of the past when it's Magnus he brushes into. It's confusing, it's stupid but it's not a lie.
Alec doesn't know what to feel as these emotions swirl in him, as his mind and his body clash without rhythm, without order as his memories tell him to be afraid of Magnus, afraid of what he's going to do. The same part of him screams for him to do it already, to make Magnus his, to have Magnus destroy him and stop fussing over it.
He doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to disappear, he doesn't want to be destroyed. He has Magnus, and he has Max… The least he can do is hold on for his little brother. Can't he? Can he do it? Can he… Alec doesn't know. He just wants to lay comatose while the world passes him by, he wants to sleep his life away and see the world through glossed-over and indifferent eyes.
He wants to be a normal kid with a loving and accepting family, parents that tease sometimes and embarrass him, a sister who playfully makes remarks on his life. He wants the Halmark card, he wants to have decent grades and end up with a nine to five job. He wants a wife, two point whatever children and a normal, boring excuse for a life.
It has to be better than this. It has to be, doesn't it? No pain, no torment, no rational fear of basements... It would be a life of love and certainty. It's something Alec's clinging to now. Certainty. He wants a guarantee, a for-sure way to make it through the days with nothing akin to the weight he now feels breaking at his shoulders.
He's not Atlas, the immortal Titan, he can't support his heavy world forever without breaking.
He wants a lighter world, a world he doesn't have to be invincible to uphold. He wants a life, and not in the shallow meaning of the world.
Sure, there are people undoubtedly worse off than him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't fucking hope for better.
He doesn't want the world to be so wrong, he doesn't want to have to use iron crutches made from the breaking resolve of his heart to move.
He doesn't want Magnus to just see him as a hunk of flesh to use, to fuck, with no respect, like he does. He might be using Magnus, too, but knowing you're being used by someone you consider a mildly acceptable to decent excuse for a person still tugs at the stitches he'd begun to tie to Magnus from himself. Their web is slowly becoming more and more full, strands sometimes almost visible to Alec.
But he's being used. He's always being used for something. To bear the sharp end of his father's rage and annoyances, of his expectations, to help Aline get the title of converting a jock, for sex...
He should be used to it by now, shouldn't he?
He laughs bitterly, though it doesn't matter as he's alone in a quiet corner of the school's library.
He doesn't think he'll ever get used to being used, that he'll even have time.
It's Saturday, once again, and Alec goes off to spend his time with Max before coming back to the dorm.
His trip with Max was fun, and he laughed a bit, let himself go, and just... lived, for a minute. He didn't come to any spectacular conclusions about his life, he didn't find any hidden truths, but whatever. He had fun with his little brother, and he doted on him like he wouldn't b alive tomorrow. Because in a way, he probably wouldn't be.
He doesn't even know if Max'll matter to him tomorrow.
But he wants Max to matter, he really does. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love his baby brother, be lying if he announced that the boy's opinion would be disregarded. But thats why he never asks Max, Max might just stop him, and he doesn't want that... Not really. Right?
It doesn't matter, he'll just have to hope that Max will be fine without him.
Alec's in a strange mood when he returns, just... an empty vessel, his thoughts of Max invading his thoughts as he flirts with Magnus, as they go to get something to eat his mind wanders over to his little brother and who'll take care of the boy. He doesn't really have anyone.
Thoughts of Max are dispelled, however, when they get back to the rooom and the taller teen pushes Alec against the closed door, their mouths pressed firmly together and Magnus forcing his tongue into Alec's mouth.
Alec lets him in, and tries to control his rising panic by telling himself that this will be just like the other times, that nothing bad will happen. That he's just going to give Magnus a blowjob and they'll be done with it. He tries to get hard and keep it there by lying to himself, and it's working. He remains calm as Magnus pulls off his shirt, and he pulls Magnus's off as well. There won't be any problems, he tells himself, because maybe if he keeps thinking it it'll come true, that he'll break and parts of him that didn't break off won't stick out like jagged edges ready to cut like the lethal blades they will undoubtedly become.
"I'm sorry," whimpered the son, defeated but still attempting for mercy.
The father grunted. "I don't care if you're sorry or not."
Alec's breath caught, and not in a good way, as the memory forced itself to the front of his mind like a bullet trying to escape his head. He couldn't think of those things, he couldn't, not yet...
He tries to focus on Magnus's lips on his, on the hands guiding him to the bed but it's so hard.
The teen had lost the battle, and he could already feel the cold numbness seeping into his soul, the sure-sign of defeat and the long hours of torture that were undoubtedly going to occur in the hours ahead.
Alec doesn't want to think about it, he wants to think about the warm hands on his chest and the bed underneath him. Bedding, not the cold cement floor of the basement of his old house. (Never a home, never, never a home.)
Alec's mind whirled back to the reality of what was happening to him, though, when Magnus's mouth attached to his throat, sucking. It was something unique to Magnus; no one else had ever bothered to mark him like that before, and it let him forget about his bad memories.
It gave him bruises that weren't from fists hitting him, from legs denting into him with a nearly mechanical force. It isn't a bruise he was ashamed to have.
Alec presses his hips up against Magnus, pleasure washing over him in a tiny shadow of what it can become. He reclaims Magnus's lips, his tongue exploring Magnus's mouth because they're equal in this. This isn't him being degraded, being punished. This is just mutually benificial pleasure. (Right now, at least.)
Alec's hands go down to slide Magnus's pants down, and Magnus has to bend down to take them all the way off because he's so damn tall, and it doesn't surprise Alec to learn there weren't any underwear under those skinny jeans. It's usually fifty-fifty for whether or not they're there, anyway.
Alec's nervousness reappears as Magnus slides down his own pants, and they're gone, and soon his underwear have abandoned him as well.
Magnus pulls out a packet of something that he spreads on his fingers, and a moment later Alec can feel a finger poking at his anus. He tenses up, and his erection goes down just a bit as he remembers the last time.
His mind went blank as it screamed for mercy, as his heartbeat threw itself so hard against his chest it threatened to break through his flesh and go on a rampage.
One finger is all the way in, pumping, and Alec isn't all that comfortable with it. But why would he be? It's not really comfortable, end of story.
A second finger is inserted into him, slimy from the substance Magnus smeared onto it, and Alec bites his lip as he attempts to get used to it. Magnus starts to slowly try and pull the fingers apart, stretching out his insides, and Alec takes a sharp breath.
"Tell me if this hurts too much," Magnus says, continuing to fuck around inside Alec with his fingers.
Alec doesn't say anything, and the room is silent but for the strange squelching sound the lubrication in Alec is making. They're not speaking, it's rather awkward but neither care. They just want it to happen already.
And as Alec starts to get turned on from Magnus's fingers pumping in and out of him, he moans, nodding to the teen that is considered his boyfriend. Emotions, thoughts and everything else is thrown out the window as Magnus pulls on a condom and enters Alec, because that's all the teen can focus on. Magnus, disapearing into him.
It's not comfortable, and Magnus starts moving slowly after a minute. It hurts, yet, but more in a dull ache than a roaring pain.
Magnus starts moving faster, and faster, and Alec lets out a little moan as it starts to feel good. He tries to conjure up a bad memory, but finds it hard. He finally gets one, something that can help destroy him.
And then it let up a bit only to come back with twice the intensity, pressing into the wounds made the first time, ripping them further and creating new-
Magnus hits something inside Alec, what he assumes to be his prostate, and every bad thought is thrown out the window as Magnus takes Alec's gasp as an order to keep abusing that spot, keep thrusting into it like there's no tomorrow. Maybe there isn't a tomorrow, but whatever. As long as Magnus kepps doing that.
He can hear the taller teen moaning above him, and god, Magnus is perfect right now. He's just so... Alec doesn't know how to describe it, but if Magnus stops what he's doing right now Alec is going to murder him.
After a few more minutes of riding the pleasure, Magnus comes, but keeps thrusting into Alec so that he can come as well. And he does, just a minute later.
Magnus pulls off the condom, tying it up so his semen won't escape before throwing it on the floor. He lays next to Alec, and that's how they fall asleep. Next to each other, their bodies next to each other enough for the other.
You'll find out the aftermath when I next update. I've nearly shot myself in the foot with certain aspects of the story, so I'd just like to tell you that it's the beginning of March right now. It's not real clear, I know.
Just note, I'm pretty sure the entire incident will be written out for you in the next chapter.
Also, I've started another Malec. I have nearly all the chapters planned out, and it'll be shorter than Danger Line but if you like this I'm sure you'll like it. It's called Restless Heart Syndrome and it's really a dark twist on the story everyone thinks is rediculous. Give it a go? Thank you if you do, thanks for reading this if you don't.
Please review!