As promised. here's chapter 11 hope you like it
Chapter 11: Is this a mistake or not?
I think I made a mistake. It's too hard. It's been a week since I re-read the book with the aid of the Bible to understand where Elisabeth was coming from, and still I'm getting nowhere. I feel like I'm in a maze, trying to get out and trying to get free but all my efforts are being put to waste, because no matter how hard I try, no matter where I go I keep on coming back to where I started. Maybe, all this is just too much for me, or maybe this isn't really for me, maybe, just maybe this has got to end right here right now. I can't take too much of it anymore. I can't stop crying, and I'm still getting nowhere. I don't want it anymore. I give up!
Knock… Knock…
"Who is it?" I ask trying to sound normal.
"Dear, can I come in?" My mom asked sounding a little too worried.
"No." I replied.
"Dear, I'm worried about you. It's been a week since you stop joining us at dinner." My mom stated.
"I'm fine; just leave me alone, I'm busy."
"Do you prefer talking with Yelan? Would that make you feel any better?" I heard a hint of jealousy in her voice.
"No. I'm good." Keeping my cool
"Okay, if you said so. In case-"
"I told you I'm okay."
"Just in case you're not, I'm down stairs watching movie—waiting" Whispering the last word she said.
This is so pathetic. She's been doing this ever since Sunday night, when is she going to understand all my signals? I don't want to talk with her. I still hate her for what she did last week. She's supposed to be by my side, why is she helping Syao, who's not even her son! Argh!
Beep! Beep!
'If you don't want me to be your mom, I can be your friend, you know that right?' My mom texted me
Argh! She's just downstairs, she could have told me that a while ago, no need for her to text me.
'I'm watching Beauty and the Beast would you like to join me?' She texted again
'Aren't you too old to watch cartoons?' I replied back
'No, because this movie is for all ages' my mom reasoned
'Well, I don't want to, thanks'
'You used to love this film, I also prepared some popcorn; you still won't watch it with me?'
'No.'
Why do I feel like something in my stirred at my last short respond? I'm just saying no to my mom, what's there to be guilty about? If someone should be guilty it should be her, she betrayed me the moment I needed her the most. She wasn't at my back the time I trusted her to be. She's supposed to be siding with me, defending me with that jerk, but no! She side with him, reasoned out for him, defending him from me, when it's not supposed to be that way.
Beep… Beep…
'I left a bowl of popcorn outside your door, in case you want some.'
I slowly opened my door to see if she's still there, I didn't want to talk with her. True to her words there's a bowl of popcorn, and a note at my doorstep.
I know you hate me for thinking that I betrayed you, but I did not. I tried to reason out for him hoping that by understanding him, you may understand me as well. I just didn't want you to get hurt by all those misunderstanding, that's why I let him in to talk with you. If that made you hate me I'm sorry.
I'm not dumb! I won't fall for that cheap trick! How dare she do this to me?
'Here comes you favorite part, where Belle is falling in love with the Beast.' She texted again, like I care!
'There may be something there that wasn't there before. You love that song right?'
"Argh! Why is she doing this to me? What have I ever done to her that she had the right to do this? I just rejected her for a--" And then it hit me. She's doing everything she can to reach out to be but I keep on shutting her off. These past few days, she's been doing everything she can that I might forgive her.
"Mom! Mom!" I shouted while I ran downstairs.
"Want some more popcorn?" She offered.
"No." I said running to her and hugged her. I just didn't know what to do and say anymore, I just cried my heart out.
"Cry it all out if that's the only way to ease the pain"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for rejecting you. I just feel so betrayed."
"I'm sorry if you see it that way."
"Why did you side with him? You were supposed to side with me. He played me and misled me."
"I didn't side with him. I just didn't want you to get hurt from a small misunderstanding that you though big of a deal."
"Mom! That was a big deal, he hurt me!"
"If I ask you right now, do you love him, are you sure of him, will you be able to answer me?"
"Love? I don't know, but I like him, a lot"
"You can't even answer me"
"Mom! We're still getting to know each other better"
"Precisely my point, he wants to get to know the real you, but you were expecting something else."
"Of course, we're dating"
"Did he ask you about it?"
"No, but its automatic, once a guy says he likes a girl they're dating"
"It's not like that. Kids these days, you're so used to having everything fast paced."
"Of course, we're living in a modernized world, it's expected to be fast paced, it's not the ice age anymore mom."
"Then are you willing to jump forward to everything even without thinking about the consequences and the risk that you need to put up with?"
"If its for the one I love then yes"
"But you told me you're not sure yet with how you feel about him"
"But isn't it enough that you know that you both like each other, love can grow from dating"
"Love can also grow from friendship."
"But it'll be too much of a risk to give up friendship"
"I thought you said you can risk everything for him?"
"B—but" she's right! I can't argue with that.
"He was trying to befriend you to get to know the real you and letting you know the real him in the process. He may have other intensions in mind, but it's not yet time, because both of you aren't ready yet. Like Elisabeth and Jim, they waited a long time for one another."
"Yeah, but in the end Jim died. It's not worth it"
"Do you think it's really not worth it?"
"No, because even though it was just a year, it was something they worked hard for and always looked forward for. Everything was worth it at the end."
"Why not be like them? While you two are friends, you can understand your feelings better, and get to know each other better"
"But isn't dating also like that?"
"It's two different things, in dating you always put the best foot forward for the other person to like you more, but in getting to know each other as friends not only the best foot is forward but also the worst. You get to know each other a lot better and truer than when you two are dating."
"Mom, I'm sorry for ever thinking that way about you. I understand it now."
"I think you also owe someone else an apology"
"I'll try to talk with him when I see him. Mom, could we watch the movie together?"
"Sure, I'll get more popcorn."
"Can I help?"
That was some logic. I never thought if that way. Tomoyo used to tell me that as long as both of you like each other it's enough to withstand everything, but after our talk that thought seems so shallow. It's not enough for both parties to just like each other; relationship and commitment can be hard work to sustain it. You've got to think about the consequences and the risk, and everything that comes with it. Everything should be planned out. Love is not something to jump forward to without thinking twice, it should be thought over and over again. Mom was right, I was expecting something from him, and I made it a big deal when it's supposed to be a small misunderstanding. I really owe him an apology.
"Mom, can we go on a date tomorrow after church?" I ask out of the blue, at the middle of the film.
Dear Diary,
Mother knows best, that's for sure, and I will never argue with that statement again. Mom was right; I could've avoided getting hurt if I just didn't shut my mind from the idea of understanding him. At the middle of the film I ask mom for a date, which she gladly accepts. I plan to eat out with her; it's been a while since we spoke with each other. I want her to catch up with my life, I want to tell her everything Syao's mom and I talked about at church last week. I want her to know me better, and I want her to be my guide. It wouldn't be right to let others be my guide, it should be her, my mom because she understands me more, and she can see if something is really changing or not. Syao's mom was right all along, I just needed to accept that I was the one at fault and not my mom. I just have to open up to her like she's been doing for the past few days. Tomorrow's going to be a great day I just can feel it.
-Sunday-
Dear Diary,
Today started out unexpectedly. I woke up earlier than usual like the last time, but the difference is I'm excited for this day. I didn't feel I was obliged to get ready and everything, I was actually happy and contented. All those frustrations I felt a few days back was all gone, like it was never there to begin with. Church was great, I meant the lesson that was preached in the service. I saw Syao's mom again, and I told her everything that happened last night. She was very glad that resulted to hugging me a little too tight, my mom hurriedly rescued me of course. She apologizes after, she said she was just too ecstatic about me and my mom making up; it was then that I found out that they were best friends since like forever, well according to them that is. I wonder why I never knew her before, or why she never visits our place and us visiting theirs. I wonder why, but before I even asked it, my mom already answered it. They moved here recently, and whenever she was invited at home, I was always out with Tomoyo; that made me remember that Syao was a new student last school year.
After the service I invited mom to our supposedly date, but mom has a different plan; I didn't know of this plan until we were ready to go. Mom had already invited Syao and his mom to go with us. I was frustrated at first because it's supposed to be our bonding time, but when Syao looked at me in the eye, all those frustrations were gone. Mom was the best! We were at my favorite fast food restaurant when mom and Yelan, well aunt Yelan according to her, decided to give us some privacy to talk about what happened. I overheard mom and Aunt Yelan talked about what I cried to her last Sunday, and how I'm struggling with my faith. Syao and I talked for the first time as stranger. It was his idea, to start anew; we re-introduced ourselves and befriended one another. I believe tomorrow's going to be a better day. All the misunderstanding, frustrations, hatred and all those negative feelings are all gone. There's only happiness and relief. This time, I want to start fresh; I want to know more about God and about Syao. This is my journey to finding what I want and my purpose.
thanks for reading it hope you like it, all kinds of reviews are welcome, might be criticisms suggestions or comments. Thanks and God bless