Chapter 12 Good Byes And New Feelings
Akina couldn't sleep. All she kept thinking about was her daughters pale face and glazed over eyes looking at her. It was as if Kaley was begging her for help, to do something to bring her back, to not let her go. She sat in the kitchen for the past few hours, staring at the table, not crying, and barley able to breath. Dean tried to get her to talk to him, hell even Alina and Ailsa tried, but all Akina did was glanced at them before looking at the table yet again.
"Dad." Dean looked up at his door to see Alina standing there. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure. Come on in." She smiled and sat down on his bed. "So what's up?" Alina looked at her fathers face and then quickly at the floor. She knew he's been crying most of the night, just like everyone else and it killed her to see him this way. "Lina?"
"Oh, right. I'm worried about mom." She whispered as she looked at the carpet. Dean took a deep breath and placed his hand on her shoulder. "All she's been doing is looking at the table. I mean she won't even talk to any of us. You don't think that Kaley's death pushed her over the edge, do you?" She finished as she looked at him.
"Honestly?" She nodded. "It might have. I think we just need to give her time to heal and as much time as it takes. We really can't push her or force her to talk to us to make us feel better. Out of everyone, your mother is taking this the hardest."
"That because Kaley was her first?" Dean nodded and looked out the window.
"I think that when she died, a part of Kina died as well and I'm not sure how long it's going to take to repair the damage that's been done." He took a breath before looking at her again. "Just promise me that you and Ailsa won't do anything to stress her out anymore that she already is. I know how you two like to fight." Alina smiled and shook her head.
"We won't. I promise you that." Dean smiled as well and hugged his daughter. "So the funeral's tomorrow huh?"
"Yeah. Not sure if Kina's going though. She hasn't moved in a while and to be honest I think it would be better if she didn't."
"I was thinking the same thing." Dean nodded and rested his head against the head board. "I'm gonna go try to get some sleep now."
"Night Lina." She went to the door before turning back around. "What?"
"You should try to get some sleep to. You look like hell." He just smiled and shook his head before she closed the door behind her. No matter how hard he tried to fall asleep, he just couldn't knowing that his wife was sitting alone in the kitchen. After a few minutes of sitting in bed, he got up and went downstairs to see that Akina was still in the same position she was in before. She glanced up when she heard him, but looked right back at the table.
"You coming to bed?" She just shook her head as he sat down next to her. "I know how you're feeling Kina. Me and the girls feel the same way, but you can't do this to yourself. You can't close yourself off from us like this." She looked over at him when he grabbed her hand. "You have to talk to us. We need to help each other heal from this and I know you know you can't do it alone."
"I want to do it alone." She whispered without looking at him. "We failed her Dean. We failed her as parents."
"No we didn't." She glanced over at him again and saw he was just looking at the ceiling. "We didn't fail her. I know that much for sure."
"Then what do you call it?" Dean took a breath and looked at her. "She died and we didn't do anything to prevent it. We're her parents Dean and we couldn't save her. I would call that failing."
"So you're blaming yourself then?"
"Who else would I blame?"
"Well you did a fairly good job of blaming me before so why not just do that again?" He stopped and turned to look at her. He knew what he said was wrong and yet he said it anyways.
"How dare you!" She screamed as she stood up. "You know as well as I do that I never blamed you for this! You know I was just upset or mad or hurt or whatever at the time so why the hell would you say that now!?" Dean just watched her. He knew she wanted to hit him just like he knew she didn't mean it when she said it was his fault.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." He whispered as he looked back to the table. She stood there and watched as he rested his head in his arm and cried. "I just miss her Kina and I want her back. I'm just not thinking straight right now and I'm sorry for saying that, but you still can't blame yourself for this. It'll kill you if you do." The next thing he knew, he felt her arms around him. "I'm just so sorry I didn't get there fast enough. I'm sorry that there wasn't something I could of done to prevent this. I'm just so sorry."
"It's alright Dean." She whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder. He put his arm around her and just rubbed her back. "This is no ones fault but that cops and it's really a shame that I couldn't have killed him slower." Dean nodded and the two sat in silence for the longest time. There was something comfortable about that silence that neither of them could explain, but if it was up to either of them, they would of stayed like that for the rest of their lives.
"We should get some sleep. We need to get up early tomorrow." Dean told her as he stood up.
"I'm not going." He had to lean closer just so he was able to hear her. "I can't Dean. I can't put my baby in the ground. I just can't and I don't want to." He rested his hands on her shoulders and his chin on the top of her head.
"I understand and you know you don't have to go. I just want to make sure that you're not going to do anything stupid while you're here alone. Can you promise me that you won't?" She nodded and he moved back so she could get up. "Then stay home and get some rest."
"I will and right now we should both get some if we can." Dean nodded and the two headed upstairs, but not before pausing in front of Kaley's door. "This room is staying like this. Just wanted you to know that."
"I had no plans on changing it. Wouldn't have the heart to." Akina looked at him and nodded before both touched the door and went into their room to get some much needed rest.
The Next Morning
"Alina. Ailsa. Time to get up." Dean said as he poked his head into the twins room. Both rolled over and waved their hands at the same time, making Dean smile. "Come on. We need to be at the cemetery at ten."
"We're up." Both said in unison as he closed the door. "Hey Lina."
"Yeah."
"You think mom's going?" Alina looked over at her sister. "I mean from the way she's been acting, I don't think she's going with us today." Alina got out of bed and went to get dressed without answering. "You could of answered." She mumbled as she got dressed as well.
"I was going to." Ailsa looked over at the bathroom door. "And no I don't think she's going. I'm just kinda glad that dad is going." Ailsa nodded and the two finished getting dressed before leaving. The met Dean downstairs and saw Akina just sitting on the couch.
"She's not going then, is she?" Dean shook his head and motioned for the girls to leave. "You going to be alright alone mom?" Akina glanced over at Alina and nodded. "You sure?"
"I'll be fine. I just can't do this." The twins nodded and left the house, leaving Dean alone with her. "Just go Dean. I told you I wasn't going to do anything stupid and I'm not."
"If you need anything or even if you change your mind, just call and I'll come get you." She nodded and pulled her knees up to her chin. "You know I love you, right?" She raised her eyes enough to look at him and nodded. "Just making sure I tell you that."
"I know and say good bye for me." Dean nodded and left the house. Akina looked at the door and started crying for the millionth time that day.
In The Car
"Don't you two think she should of come?" Ailsa asked as they entered the cemetery. Dean glanced over at her and shook his head. "I mean, just out of respect for Kaley."
"She couldn't do it so I wasn't going to force her into it." Ailsa nodded and looked out the window. Alina's been looking out the window the entire time and said nothing. She was just to busy thinking of things she was going to say, but no matter what she always came up blank.
"Lina. Hello!" She shook her head and glanced at the concerned faces of her father and sister. "You alright?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"We're here." She look out the window and saw Sam, Jada, Jensen, John, and Bobby standing by John's truck. "Guess we should get going." Dean said as he and the girls got out and met the others. "Hey guys." They all turned and looked at the three.
"Wheres Akina?" Jada asked once she saw her friends wasn't there. "Shouldn't she be here?"
"She just said she couldn't do it so she's at home. Where's Missouri?"
"She couldn't make it, but she sent her regards." Dean nodded and the group made their way to the fresh mound of dirt. "Man I hate these things." Everyone nodded in unison as the priest started the ceremony. Everyone remaind silent the entire time, with the exception of crying and sniffling. When he was finished, he left the family alone to say their final good byes. "Anyone know where Riley is?"
"He said he had something to do." Sam answered as they all just stood there. "Hate to ask this question, but who's going first?"
"I will." Dean turned to look at Ailsa and nodded. "This really sucks dad."
"I know, but we'll feel better once we do this." She nodded and walked over to the coffin. She took one look at Kaley before breaking down. Dean just watched as she sank to her knees with her hands never leaving the wooden box. "Maybe I should see if she's alright." John just placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Let her do this on her own. She needs to." Dean nodded and returned his eyes to his daughter.
"You know I'm not good at these kinds of things and I know that I'm not going to be able to hold myself together long enough to say what I really want." She wiped her eyes and finally managed to stand. "I'm going to miss you Kal. You were the best big sister a girl could ask for. Sure you had your crappy attitude most of the time, but that's why I loved you. You were more like mom that anything and I guess a part of you is still going to be here with us, but I wish you were here in body. I just don't know what I'm going to do without you, but I'll be strong for you and heal like you would want me to. I love you Kal." She finished and kissed her head before walking over to her father.
"You alright?" She wiped her eyes and nodded as Dean turned to Alina. "You going next?" She nodded and walked over. "You sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine dad. I'm just going to go wait in the car if that's ok?" Dean nodded and gave her a hug before she left. Alina thought and thought of something to say, but still nothing came to mind. Sure she could stand there and tell a body how great of a sister she was or how much she's going to miss her, but to her that didn't feel right. So she just stood there, looking at her, saying nothing and not even crying. She only looked at her for a few minutes before touching her face and walking away.
"I'm gonna go to the car with Ailsa." She mumbled as she walked past them. They all turned and watched her go before each took their turns. Dean insisted on going last and that's exactly what he did.
"Hey baby." He whispered as he touched her cheek lightly. "You know I'm blaming myself for this and I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help it. Your mothers a total wreck and I think your sisters are close behind her. I honestly don't know what we're going to do without you." He smiled and sat on the ground. "You know, I remember the first time Kina brought you to Bobby's. She thought I was going to be mad that she never mentioned you, but she couldn't of been more wrong. I was thrilled that you were staying with us and I wouldn't have it any other way. Then when the twins were born, my life was complete and we were a family. Now I'm here, placing you in the ground and I don't know what to do after this. You know we're going to miss you more than anything and I love you more than anything." He stood up and kissed her cheek. "I'm going to miss you Kal." He turned and saw that Akina was watching him. "When did you get here?"
"Around the time you said your life was complete." He nodded and walked over to her. "I'll be right back." She walked right past them and up to her coffin. Dean just stood and watched her, wondering how he didn't know she was there. Akina looked down at her oldest daughters face and said nothing for the longest time. She took a deep breath and put her head down. "I hate you Kaley." She whispered as she closed her eyes. "When I died I went to hell and now I can only imagine where you are right now. I'm hoping that you're someplace nice, but with out great luck I doubt that. Now when I said I hated you, I didn't mean it the way it sounded. What I ment was I hate the fact that you're here like this cause we all know you shouldn't. You were my oldest and my first and I let you down. Dean let you down and how the hell are we supposed to forgive outselves for this!?" She screamed as she hit the coffin. "How the hell am I supposed to go on like this!? We've lost so much and yet here I am, placing you in the ground, saying good bye to you! Why the hell did this happen!? Why didn't either of us save you!!?" She screamed more as she fell to her knees.
"Damn this." Dean whispered to himself as he went to walk over to her.
"STOP DEAN!" She screamed as she turned to him. "I need to do this alone!" He nodded and backed away. "I hate myself more than ever now and I don't know what to do!" She hissed as she turned back to her daughter. "I just should of done something to help you! I'm your mother for christ sake and I did shit to help you! I didn't lift a finger to save you and here I am yelling at you! What kind of mother am I!?" She cried as she slammed her fists into the wooden box so hard she put her left hand through it.
"Kina?"
"No! No stopping. No saying it'll be all right cause you and I both know that's a crock of shit Dean!" She screamed as she turned to him. "There's going to be none of that. Not anymore."
"But getting mad and hitting her coffin is going to help?"
"No Dean. It's not going to help. Telling me it's going to be alright isn't going to help. Taking time to heal from all this shit isn't going to help. Not blaming myself isn't going to help! Nothing is going to help and you know it so stop trying to be all supportive and caring cause it's starting to really piss me off! Let me be angry and sad and depressed and let me just be alone. For once in your life, just stop being the strong one and the protective one and let me do what I need to do regardless of what kind of damage it does to me!" Dean just stared at her. She had her fists clenched and her breathing was deep and ragged.
"How about you just calm down and I'll let you be?" She just shook her head and laughed. "Kina?"
"It's over." She said as she lifted her head. "It's just all over. I'm done with all of it. I'm done with hunting. I'm finished with trying to be happy and live a normal life. I'm done with the whole god damn package and I really don't care if you like it or not."
"What are you talking about?" Dean asked as he walked over to her. "You know you don't mean any of that. You're just saying it cause you're upset."
"If you want to believe that, then go right ahead cause I really don't give a shit right now. This whole world can blow up and get sent to the pits of hell right now and I would welcome it. I just don't care anymore."
"Kina."
"Don't Kina me Dean. Just stop talking and go away."
"Not going to do that. You're not yourself right now." She shook her head and he took another step towards her. "Please just come back home and we'll talk about this, as a family."
"No. I'm going to stay here till I feel like going home."
"You can't do that. It's not healthy for you." He went to put his arms around her, but took a step back when she pulled out a gun. "What the hell are you doing with that?"
"Nothing. Just go away Dean. Now!" She screamed. He shook his head and refused to move. "LEAVE NOW!!" She told him as she removed the safty and placed her finger on the trigger.
"So you think you're just going to shoot me?"
"If you don't leave me alone, yes. Just go away!" He nodded and turned to leave.
"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"
"No. Now go." He left and got into the car. Alina and Ailsa left with John and Bobby along with Jada, Sam, and Jensen. Akina watched as Dean drove away before turning back to the coffin. "Stupid son of a bitch!" She whispered as she sank to the ground. She rested her head against the coffin and looked at the gun. "Sometimes death is easier than life, isn't it?" She said to herself before falling into silence. Ten minutes later, a single shot broke the silence.
A/N Ok. I admit that I'm lazy and didn't check my spelling. Sorry about that, but I hope that even with the errors, you get what I ment to say. Now I'm hoping you get what this is trying to say. Alright, I'm just going to shut up now and please make sure you review and let me know how confused I get you. Sorry for that by the way and good night!!!