Legal statement still counts :)
Chapter 12: Oh Christmas Tree...
Craig was still going through the lights, and thinking about Bobby's sudden bad mood when the man walked back into the living room. Bobby looked down at him. "You got those taken care of yet?" He asked.
Craig felt a rock hit his stomach. "Not yet." He was still trying to untangle the last two strings of lights.
"Give them to me." Bobby reached down and picked up the box, pulling it from Craig's hands, surprising the boy.
Craig watched Bobby move to the other chair and sit down to work at pulling the wires apart. "What can I do?" He asked quietly.
"You can sit there and wait. Angel should be back soon with the fucking tree." Bobby didn't look up at him, his voice still sounded tight.
Craig felt his heart twist in his chest at the tone of Bobby's voice. The words were normal for the man, but he'd started recognizing the different sounds to his voice. He could tell when the man was truly upset, and at that moment, Bobby Mercer was upset.
Craig continued to watch his brother struggling with the wires, cursing every so often because they were being difficult. "I can do it if you want me too." The boy spoke after several minutes of Bobby losing his patience.
Bobby looked at him. "You were taking a fucking week." He returned his gaze back to the box and continued working.
"You aren't doing any better, and I wasn't getting mad at it." Craig muttered the words defensively, not able to stop himself. He was getting mad at Bobby for getting mad at him for no reason. He could remember times when he was little when Bobby would sound and act the same with him, and always seemed to end up walking away from him and leaving him to himself.
Bobby looked at him again. "You need to put yourself in check kid. Don't be using that fucking tone of voice with me; I'll give you good smack." He warned.
Craig felt his heart twist a little tighter. The little voice that he continued to battle with every day was telling him things were already going back to the way they used to be. Bobby was talking to him like he used to. The voice of reason that had, up until now, usually won out on most of the battles, tried to tell him that Bobby was having a hard time dealing with the whole Christmas thing, and he shouldn't take what the man said to him to heart. He needed to just let it go, and do what Bobby told him to. They would be able to talk about it later, and Bobby would probably apologize for being short with him.
But the other voice, the voice that was trying to tell him what he needed to do to protect his self, was telling him that he needed to pull back, and keep his distance. There was nothing to talk about. It didn't matter how upset Bobby was, the man didn't need to treat him like shit. He hadn't been the one who had asked for the Christmas tree.
Then the guilt kicked in on top of that because he knew why Jack had asked. Jack had asked because of him, so he was the reason Bobby was upset. He knew Jack was trying to help, but it was upsetting everyone, and he knew if he was going to make it through any more Christmas preparations, he would have to turn off his feelings, and put his walls all of the way up. If he put the walls up, then what good was it to have a Christmas tree, or try to have Christmas at all? It wasn't as if he was going to enjoy it, and his brothers weren't going to enjoy it. He could put his walls up and not feel anything at all, and be safe. What difference was it going to make? Bobby was putting walls up, why shouldn't he?
Bobby looked up at the sound of the front door opening. Angel walked in, carrying a box, with Sofi right behind him. Angel had an evil look in his eye. "Sofi brought some decorations." He stopped in the living room doorway, smiling at Bobby.
Bobby looked up at him, and almost looked relieved that Angel was back. "Yeah, and I bet I know what's in that fucking box too." He stood and walked over, pulling out a string of red and green ceramic chili peppers. He looked up at Angel. "You have got to be kidding me!" He cried out, and looked at Sofi, who was standing behind Angel. "No way, this shit ain't goin' on our tree." He shook his head.
That started Sofi to yelling at him, asking him why he had asked for it to start with if he didn't really want it. Bobby yelled that he hadn't wanted it, and then both of them looked at Angel. Angel tried to referee as best as he could. Craig stared at the box of tangled lights that Bobby had abandoned, but he didn't make a move towards it. He listened as Bobby finally gave in and Angel and Sofi had a few words of their own before Sofi went up the stairs.
Angel turned and looked at Bobby. "Well come on, help me get the tree." He looked at his older brother, who was still standing in the middle of the room holding the box of decorations Sofi had brought.
Bobby had half the string held up out of the box. The red and green ceramic clinked together. "They really put these on the trees?" He looked at Angel, skepticism on written on his face.
"Yeah man, I knew you'd like that." Angel laughed.
Bobby shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah I do, but don't you fucking tell her or I'll bust you upside the head." He turned and found a place to put the box down before looking at Craig. "Why don't you dig through here and find the tree stand? Make yourself useful for something." He spoke to the boy before following Angel out the front door.
Craig stood and walked over to one of the larger boxes. He knew exactly where the stand was, he'd been the one who packed it away the year before. He pulled it out and then pulled out the felt tree skirt that would hide the stand once the tree was set up. The green felt had been decorated by him when he was ten. It had been a project at school where his whole class cut out skirts from red or green felt, and decorated it with glitter and beads and white felt snowmen and reindeer cut outs. He had given it to his mother that year for Christmas, and for the next three years she had used it instead of the deep red velvet one that was still folded and resting in the bottom of the box. Craig considered grabbing the other tree skirt, but his brothers walked in at that moment, carrying the six foot tall tree.
Craig stepped back out of the way and watched as his brothers struggled to get the tree around the corner, through the doorway, and into the living room. He would have found the sight amusing if it hadn't felt so awful. Bobby and Angel were both cursing at the tree, and at Christmas, and for having to fight with an evergreen in their own home, and the evergreen was winning. They both sounded as if they were about to burst and Craig almost expected Bobby to pull a lighter out of his pocket and set the tree on fire at any moment.
As if on cue Bobby spoke up. "Where is the gasoline? I know how to take care of this fucker."He growled out the words. "Why did you have to get one so big Angel?" He asked.
"I didn't see you out there in the fucking cold trying to pick out any trees, don't be yellin' at me, man." Angel dropped his end and stood straight up. "Screw this. We need a saw."
Bobby shook his head. "We don't need no saw, just pick up your end and walk it that way?" He pointed in the direction he wanted Angel to move.
"If I move that way I'm gonna take out the end table. Who the hell put that there?"Angle cried out.
Bobby made an irritated noise deep in his throat. "Craig, get your ass around there and move that damn table. I told you to put it far enough away from the door to leave room for the tree." He turned to look at the boy.
"I thought I did." Craig spoke weakly.
"Damn boy, don't you pay attention to nothin'?" Bobby cried out.
"I thought I had it far enough away from the fucking door." Craig muttered more to himself than Bobby, and appparently the man hadn't heard him because he didn't yell at him. He walked through the dining room, then the kitchen, and back into the foyer to grab a hold of the table and pull it down the hall closer to the kitchen. He didn't think about the lamp on the table, and when he started pulling on the table the wooden base of the lamp started rocking. He stopped pulling and reached out to grab the lamp, but wasn't fast enough.
Angel dropped his end of the tree and tried to reach as well, but the lamp crashed onto the floor. The bulb shattered into a million pieces on the floor, and the wooden base cracked up the side.
Craig's heart fell instantly. That had been his mother's lamp, and he was sure one of his brothers, he thought it was Jack, had given it to her on an important occasion, but he couldn't remember exactly what one. He looked at Angel, who was giving him a hard stare. "Damn it Craig." He spoke angrily.
Moments later Bobby's head peaked around the doorway, just above the tree. The man looked at Craig. "You stupid…" He stopped his words as he disappeared from view. Seconds later he was coming up behind the boy. "Get it cleaned up." He didn't yell, but his voice still held the tightness, and his jaw was set.
Craig looked at Bobby. "I'm sorry." He barely got the words out.
"I don't want to hear it Craig. Use your fucking head next time. You never think." Bobby shook his head. "Now get the shit cleaned up." Bobby walked back through the kitchen, making his way back to the living room. Craig watched for a moment while Angel and Bobby resumed their struggle with the tree.
Craig picked up the base of the lamp and walked it to the kitchen table. In only a few minutes he had the glass cleaned up. He felt like crying, but a block of ice was forming in his chest preventing him from doing so. His brain was putting those walls up. He told himself he didn't care if Bobby was mad, or that he'd managed to destroy one of the few things left of his mother. He stood at the kitchen table and studied the base, thinking that maybe he could fix it. Maybe he could repair the lamp, and in doing so, repair the rift that seemed to be forming between him and his brothers. He was sure that Jack was going to be just as pissed as Bobby and Angel about the lamp. He'd probably wonder why he'd bothered ever trying to be nice to him once he found out about that lamp.
"Craig, get your ass in here!" Bobby appeared in the doorway of the kitchen.
Craig looked at Bobby and followed the man back through the foyer, and into the living room. The tree was set in the stand, and when Craig looked down at the skirt he found that one of his brothers had pulled the old one out and used it. The felt skirt was stuffed back into the box.
Craig didn't comment on it. He mentally told himself he didn't deserve to have his skirt under the tree, not after putting his brothers through this much hell, and breaking a lamp that had held some importance. At that moment he didn't want Christmas, he never wanted another Christmas again. He had thought that it would make him feel closer to his mother, but it wasn't working out that way. If anything it was making him feel worse.
That little voice was starting to sound louder to him. Telling him he didn't deserve to have a Christmas, or any other holiday. Nothing had changed since he was seven years old and he had discovered that he'd never been special enough for any one to ever celebrate him being born, no one had really cared enough about him for that, and it was because he didn't deserve it.
Bobby pointed to the chair. "Go ahead and work on the lights." He ordered. "And don't touch anything else. The last thing we need is for something else to end up broken."
"Yeah, man, just sit there and stay out of the fuckin' way." Angel agreed.
Craig sat in the chair and picked up the box. He let his body slouch down and started poking at the wires with his fingers. He had no desire to try to untangle the wires now. He hadn't done a good enough job the first time; he didn't know why Bobby thought he'd do any better this time.
Angel looked at Bobby. "Do you want to do this now or wait?" He asked, motioning towards the tree.
"We're gonna wait for Jerry. He's gonna bring Camille over and we'll let the girls help. That way Jack can be a part of it." Bobby turned and looked into the dining room at Jack, who somehow had managed to stay asleep though all of the commotion of his older brothers bringing in the tree, while his younger brother was breaking a lamp. "I hope he appreciates this." He shook his head, sat down on the couch and picked up the remote control to the television.
Angel sat down next to Bobby on the couch and soon both of them were arguing over who should have control over the remote.
Craig worked slowly on the lights. After nearly twenty minutes he had the last two lines separated, and had plugged in all four to test them. The lights all seemed to work. He rolled them up neatly and put them back into the box, making sure to keep them separate from each other to prevent another mess. He glanced up at the television but the channels were changing at the normal rhythm. He turned slightly in his chair, so that he wasn't facing his brothers, and let his mind fall into thoughts. His plans from when he was at Jerry's were starting to filter back into his brain. The idea of keeping himself safe, and keeping his brothers at a distance emotionally. It seemed they didn't really want to put up with him and if he stayed out of the way, they wouldn't have to.
It would be harder to do while they were all home, in the house, crowded together, like they were now. But once school started he would be gone all day, and he was sure Bobby wouldn't be keeping him so close at home. The man had to stop hovering over him constantly at some point.
Craig glanced into the dining room and looked at the box of sketch pads he had endured an ass beating for just a couple of hours earlier. He remembered the feeling that had overwhelmed him at the school when Mr. Jordan had reached out to touch him. He felt like such an idiot for losing control that way. He couldn't let himself lose it like that again, no matter what the reason. He had to hide any fear that he might feel. He had to hide the fear, and the hurt, and the uncertainty away in that place in his mind that could blank it all out with that opaque fog. How else could he survive? He didn't have his mother to take care of him, and he was coming to the realization that his brothers, no matter what they said, couldn't really be there for him. He had to be there for himself. He had to stop relying on anyone else, especially Bobby. If he didn't expect it, then he couldn't be hurt or disappointed.
Another thirty minutes passed before Jack woke up and called for someone to come and help in. Angel went with no hesitation. Bobby continued changing the channels with the remote. Craig could feel his brother looking at him from time to time. He was dreading anyone telling Jack that he'd broken the lamp, and he was sure that Bobby was about to say something about it.
"Craig," Bobby spoke from the couch after a few minutes.
Craig looked over at him.
"You okay?" Bobby asked quietly.
Craig nodded his head and looked at the television.
"What?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Craig muttered, keeping all emotion out of his voice.
"You want to go take a look at that lamp and see if we can fix it?" Bobby asked.
Craig shook his head. "The base is cracked." He didn't look over at Bobby.
"It's okay Craig it was just a fucking lamp." Bobby spoke calmly.
Craig nodded his head slowly. "Okay." He still didn't look at his brother, but he heard Bobby sigh loudly. He waited to see if the man said any more, but he didn't.