"Y…you're supposed to…to be dead." Hermione stuttered. Severus's face hardened as he pocketed his wand once again.
"Sorry to disappoint." He sneered, turning and moving from her sight. She cautiously walked through the archway to find the kitchen cleaner than it had been in her dream. He was at the far end, making a pot of tea.
"What are you doing here?" She asked.
"I could ask you the same question."
"I… well, it's complicated." Hermione tried to figure out how to explain her dream. Severus turned around with a steaming tea cup in his hands, eyebrow raised.
"Okay. Well, you're going to think I'm crazy, but, I had a dream about this place. And then McGonagall told me where this house was and, well, I came and saw everything was familiar from that dream."
"But why would you come?" He asked. She hung her head, wringing her hands.
"I…I wanted to see it. I wanted to feel closer to you and maybe learn more about you."
"Learn more about me? Because my memories aren't enough? I assume our Mr. Potter didn't keep them to himself." He snorted, moving to the table and gesturing to the broken chair. "You see this chair? My father broke this over my mother when I was a child. I waited for her to wake up –"
"You hid in the closet and left the door open a crack so you could watch her until she woke up." Severus looked at her in bewilderment. There was no way she could have known that.
"And what else did you dream exactly?" He asked quietly. She blushed, remembering their time upstairs.
"You took me upstairs to your room and…"
"I think I can imagine."
Severus walked out of the room, leaving Hermione to follow him through the living room and into a sitting room behind the stairs. As she entered and took in her surroundings, she gasped. It may not have been the biggest, brightest or most beautiful room, but with wall to wall bookshelves packed full and a threadbare sofa near a small fireplace, it was a haven for someone like her. She moved to one of the shelves, taking in the titles and running her fingers over the bindings. This was by far the best kept room in the house, and Severus seemed at home and comfortable in a chair in the corner, sipping his tea and watching her.
Finally she turned away from the books and sank slowly onto the sofa. She looked into his eyes to try to read him, but he had his guard up.
"What happened back in the Shrieking Shack?" She asked. "I thought – we all thought you had died. And then we sent Neville to retrieve your body and you were gone. We were so worried – Kingsley thought the Death Eaters took your body for some nefarious reason." Severus shifted uncomfortably, his hand absentmindedly rubbing his neck where Nagini had attacked him.
"Fawkes." He said simply. Hermione gaped at him a moment before responding. No one had seen Fawkes since Dumbledore had died. Why would he have come back?
"But why? I thought he was only loyal to Dumbledore?" Severus nodded.
"As did I. The only plausible explanation I have been able to formulate is that after Dumbledore, the next person Fawkes would be loyal to would be Harry. As he was fortunate enough to not be in peril over the last year, he was not needed. However –"
"When you assisted Harry by giving your memories, Fawkes came to save you." Hermione finished. Severus shrugged gracefully.
"It's not probable, but it's the only reason I can think of. I opened my eyes to hear his call, and I saw those red feathers fly out the window. By all means he should never have come to me."
"You were loyal to Dumbledore. Until the very end." She insisted. Severus snorted.
"By killing him? Yes, very loyal."
"No. You promised him you would do it in place of Draco. You kept your vow to him. You protected the students like you promised him, and you gave Harry the final instructions – just as you promised. Perhaps Fawkes was loyal to you until the end of your promises to Dumbledore. And then he came to save you as a repayment of sorts." Severus stared thoughtfully out the window.
They would probably never know what made Fawkes save him exactly, but Hermione felt a surge of gratefulness to the bird. She sat quietly, watching Severus as he stared out the window, seeming a million miles away.
"What happened next? Where did you go?" Hermione asked. Without looking away from the window, he sighed.
"I went to St Mungos, gave them a fake name and received the Blood Replenishing Potion I needed. The Phoenix's tears had washed out the venom, so they released me by dawn. I didn't want to be anywhere near Hogwarts, so I went to the only other place I had ever called home – here. I've been here ever since."
Hermione let her eyes rake over his body. He wasn't wearing his usual cloak, but the rest of his outfit – slacks, white dress shirt and the black jacket was the same as usual; though the jacket was open and the shirt was unbuttoned at the top. His hair was stringy, looking like it needed a good wash, and for the first time she could remember, she saw he had quite a bit of stubble on his chin. Looking more closely at his face, she realized he had lost a lot of weight since she had last seen him.
"Have you been eating?" She wondered aloud. Severus finally turned away from the window and narrowed his eyes at her.
"Excuse me?"
"Forgive me, it just seems like it has perhaps been a while since you've had a good meal." He said nothing in return, only stared back at her. She rose from the sofa and left the room.
"I'll just go and make you something." She called over her shoulder.
Entering the kitchen once again, she went straight to the icebox hoping to find something for a sandwich. However, there was nothing inside but a half-full bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey. She turned and went to the pantry, thinking perhaps he only had non-perishable foods. But it was bare in there as well except for black tea. Frowning, she opened cupboard after cupboard and cabinet after cabinet but found nothing except dust covered plates.
"Find anything useful?" She whirled around to see Severus leaving against the archway to the kitchen, arms folded.
"What have you been eating?" She asked quietly.
"Firewhiskey and tea are treating me just fine, thank you very much." He started to turn away but she rushed over and pulled his arm until he looked at her.
"You were given another chance at life! And this is what you do with it? Don't just throw it away!" She cried. Severus yanked his arm away from her and flashed angry eyes her way.
"It is none of your business what I do with my life." He said dangerously.
"You're a coward." She whispered. His eyebrows raised and he drew himself to his full height.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You are a coward. I can't believe that now that you finally have freedom, you would waste it like this." She knew she had nothing but disgust and disappointment written on her face, but she didn't care.
"Get out." He breathed. She scoffed, shaking her head.
"I'm having Déjà vu." With that last cutting remark, she strode out of the kitchen, across the living room and out the door, slamming it behind her.
Her last remark had cut him deeply. The memories of that night were still fresh in his mind. Though he knew he had made the right decision for her safety, he still regretted it. And now, he pushed her away again. He knew deep down that he was wasting his life, but she couldn't know what relief he had felt to finally be done in this life. His struggle had finally been over, but that damn bird just couldn't let him be.
Cursing under his breath, he decided to get an early start – rinsing out his tea cup and filling it with Firewhiskey. He started to leave, but doubled back to bring the rest of the bottle with him to the sitting room. Sinking into his chair, he let his mind wander. Why had she really tried to find him and what had she thought she'd find? He wondered if she would tell anyone. He wished she wouldn't, but it would be fitting that the Ministry would show up in just moments to throw him in Azkaban. He wouldn't blame them, and would certainly deserve it. But sitting here drowning his sorrows in Firewhiskey day in and day out was certainly more preferable.