Thick salty tears streamed down the sun-kissed face, silent tears of old pain and sadness. They ran in rivers that felt never ending, boiling hot tears that burned as they moved, yet at the same time felt somehow…good. With every shuddering breath, his chest ached with a pain so deep it made everything else up to this one moment in time feel insignificant. Yet with each shuddering, agony laced breath, an unknown weight, an inhuman pressure was being lifted, millimetre by millimetre. The bedroom door was barricaded, a pillow hugged close to his face, soaking up the tears, muffling the occasional heart braking sobs.
It was supposed to help him figure out what was wrong with him, shed some light on his problems. In a way it had, but these weren't the sort of problems he wanted to face. Now he was. Jack hadn't been wrong in warning him, maybe that had been his first mistake. If he could, he would go back and leave well enough alone. Vision quests weren't for the faint of heart. No shit!
The stake slid in easily, like a hot knife through butter. Xander could feel the resistance as the wood hesitated just a fraction before it slid into the cold lifeless heart.
Things where supposed to be simple. Vampires where dead, walking corpses killing and feeding off people. They where soulless monsters. Black and white. If it's not human, kill it. He'd been ok with that, it meant he wasn't a cold blooded murder himself. Only that wasn't the case anymore.
An expression of betrayed shock crossed the pale face, ridges and fangs melting away with a spine shuddering scrunch of bone. The cold golden eyes, only seconds ago filled with mischief, humour and something Xander wasn't ready to understand yet, flickered to the warm blue he'd know anywhere, any time.
Across the hall, a deep pulsing beat struck up from Bella's room, a haunting melody. A harsh choking sob was muffled by the pillow. The beat, so similar to a heart beat thumped heavily, taunting him.
It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
A cold hand was pressed over his heart, the slim wrist was held in his free hand. No pulse fluttered beneath his finger tips. His whole body was frozen in denial.
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
It was on the tip of his tongue to take the offer, to accept the life being offered to him. It didn't matter that he didn't agree with it, he wouldn't care afterwards. It would be the same as it had always been. Just the two of them against the world.
You *be running up that hill*
You and me *be running up that hill*
Now it was too late. Fate had intervened, here was no way to take it back. The face seemed to pale even more, taking on an ashen hue. As the stake slid home, Xander's whole world shifted for the third time in two days.
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...
The shock and betrayal in the blue orbs changed, Xander could read the acceptance and forgiveness in those eyes. A small calm, almost serene smile crossed red lips, forgiving him, always forgiving him. No matter what.
You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby
In the end , it only really took a second, a single heart beat. The face crumpled, the whole body imploding, fluttering to the ground in tiny flakes, disintegrating into nothing more than a dust mote. There was nothing left of the one person Xander really knew.
So much hate for the ones we love ?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, *be running up that hill*
You and me, *be running up that hill*
You and me won't be unhappy.
He had killed Jessie. His stake had slid in to the heart of his best friend, his brother. He had killed the only person right in his universe. It didn't occur to him that it was the right thing, that came later.
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...
He had been ready to join Jessie in the unlife, in death. From the cradle to the grave, blood brothers, together forever. Them against the big bad world, watching each others backs until the end. Willow wasn't a factor yet. Not now.
'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
With no problems.
It hadn't mattered that he was a vampire, a killer, because this was Jessie. Even in death Jessie had his back and for fifteen seconds, Xander had Jessie's newly demonic back. No hesitating. One heart beat had changed that. One heart beat, one accidental shove from a fleeing bystander hardened his heart. Vampires where evil, and they where all going to die…
That wasn't the case anymore, it wasn't all black and white, just shades of grey. He knew that now, knew what he was capable of. He was capable of murdering his brother and best friend in cold blood. 'The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few' it was a good quote, a real on that made sense. Xander believed in it, but it didn't offer him any comfort.
Another harsh sob tore from his chest, as he finally came to terms with Jessie's death. He could no longer hide form what he had done, what he had been prepared to do if only briefly. As he grieved for the one person he had always been able to count on, he began to heal, the reopened emotional wounds beginning to heal. With it came a new feeling of rightness. He was capable of cold blooded murder, but he would never resort to that measure unless absolutely necessary.
It didn't matter what he was turning into, he would not become that sort of person, he would do everything in his power to stop that from happening.