A drabble for neaira_awakened and the comment meme on swooping_is_bad.
May be NSFW, more for innuendo and implications than flat-out smut.
Prompt: OGHREN CATCHES LELIANA COLLECTING THE LEFT OVER BODY HAIR OF THE FEMALE WARDEN WHILE CLEANING UP CAMP. HILARITY ENSUES.
A special brew for a special evening, Oghren told himself as he pulled the stopper from his hip flask. Sure, he couldn't watch without attracting attention, but these tents did little to block out sound...
"I'll be in my tent," he said to no one in particular. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Pretty Boy give him the most horrified look. "Would you rather I stay out here, Mr. 'I Think That's Private'?"
He didn't wait for a reply.
Later that evening, when the booze demanded he take a mighty piss, Oghren crawled back outside. He chuckled to himself as he heard the swishing of the Warden's robes. I guess even humans are familiar with the Walk of Shame, he thought. He couldn't help but chuckle at that, and when he did he heard the Warden gasp and shuffle faster toward her tent.
Even he was surprised when he found that Leliana had left her tent flap open after the Warden's hurried exit. The singer was inside, wearing nothing but crude underthings, holding a lit candle in one hand and a glass flask in the other. Stealth and ale never mixed, so he simply stopped and tried to stand very, very still. Sure, he wobbled a bit, but for now she hadn't spotted him.
Just what was she doing anyway?
It appeared like she was picking fleas off a nug, if the nug was her bedclothes. Had the fastigious bard managed to pick herself up a raging case of bedbugs? Another chortle escaped his lips at the thought.
Leliana jumped when she heard him. "Oghren! What are you-" She panicked more when she realized she had dropped her flask, and hurried to retrieve its strange contents.
"So, Sings-A-Lot, you looking to set your sheets on fire? Here I thought you already did that earlier."
"You... you were..." She looked at him in horror. "You were listening?"
"You and the Warden weren't exactly being discrete, you know."
"Don't you have some ale to go drink? Or maybe some moss to lick off a stone?"
Oghren guffawed. "Plenty of moss lickers 'round here already! Unless you're making me an offer?"
The bard made several indignant noises.
"So tell me, Leli. Just what were you doing there?" He had a guess, but it was fun to watch her squirm.
"Some of us care about the states we leave our belongings in," she replied, that haughty accent of hers making her sound even more stuck up.
"Yeah, but most people don't go as far as to keep our shed hair in a bottle. You lookin' to make a wig or something?"
"Get OUT of here Oghren!" She stormed out of her tent, stomping toward him like a raging bronto. A starving bronto with spindly legs, but the picture still fit.
"Or maybe that wasn't your hair, but the long, luscious, coal-black locks of Our Fearless Leader?"
"Don't think I won't hit you just because you're smaller than me!"
"Or do you only keep the hairs from around her deep shaft?"
Leliana threw up her hands in frustration. "You dwarves are so uncooth. No wonder the Maker has forsaken you." She turned away and left him, stomping off in much the same way as she had arrived.
"Eh, he's a dull one at parties anyway."
If one could be said to slam the door of a tent, Leliana did so. Not nearly as impressive, but it was fun to see her get her buckskin panties in a wad.
He laughed all the way to the privy bushes.