Thank you for your support of this story. Your wonderful reviews and comments mean so much to me. I get very excited over each one and I still can't believe that there are people who wait for my updates. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
As always, the songs are in the footnote and I don't own the characters or the songs.
Thank you for reading!
Here we go. I hope you have your tissues ready.
XXXX
"It's like watching a pissing competition isn't it?" Peter said barely above a whisper as he leaned closer to Kurt across the table.
Kurt couldn't keep his eyes off the other two boys who, at that moment, were embattled in a make believe war. He laughed quietly. How had he gotten himself in this situation?
On Wednesday as they were exiting class, Cameron had caught up to him. He (and Peter) had asked Kurt (and Blaine, who appeared just at that moment) if they wanted to study together for the chemistry midterm. It was meant to be a gesture of good will, Cameron's way of saying that there wasn't any bad blood between them, that he was over Kurt but still wanted to be friends. But it had turned into something else.
Kurt wasn't sure which one of the boys at the end of the table had come up with the idea (though he was pretty sure that it was Blaine), but one of them suggested turning their study session into a competition of sorts. Each "team" would write a list of questions in an attempt to stump the other team. Kurt knew that it was a bad idea from the start just from the way that, upon agreeing to the idea, Cameron and Blaine had both lowered their gazes and stared at each other like two rams that were ready to charge. Neither Blaine nor Cameron was one to back away from a challenge. They were both naturally competitive and two of the best students in their class, and the fact that it gave them the opportunity to impress Kurt was just an added benefit. Except that Kurt wasn't impressed in the least by their competitiveness and Blaine and Cameron had all but forgotten that he and Peter were even there.
Peter and Kurt had been walking down the road of a completely non-chemistry related conversation for a while when the other two boys finally came out of their testosterone fueled study haze.
"You done now?" Kurt asked dismissively, eyeing the two boys.
Looking into Kurt's unimpressed expression, they both hung their heads a bit. "Yes," they said unison, rather sheepish.
Kurt smiled and they both smiled in return. Blaine turned to Cameron leveling him with a look of respect. He had been a worthy adversary.
"I'd say that we are ready for the test," Blaine said, trying to break the tension.
"Agreed."
The conversation stilled, the awkwardness that had surrounded them at the beginning of their meeting rushing back in. Cameron started packing up his things saying, "Well, I guess we will see you on Monday, Kurt."
Kurt smiled. "Sounds good."
Blaine grabbed his boyfriend's hand where it rested on the table. Kurt smirked and rolled his eyes, waving goodbye to the other two boys before fixing his gaze on his boyfriend.
"Really?"
"What?" Blaine asked in genuine confusion.
Kurt glanced to where Blaine's hand was covering his own, raising his eyebrows in question.
"Oh."
"You don't have to to that. I'm your boyfriend, Blaine."
"I know," he said, looking a bit ashamed. "I just..."
Kurt cut him off. "You just got jealous."
"You smiled at him," Blaine shot back.
"I smile at a lot of people, honey," Kurt glowered.
"Yes. But a lot of people are not the guy with the crush on you."
"Cameron seems to be pretty much over that. Or had you not noticed?"
Blaine hadn't.
Kurt continued, "Besides, if anyone was going to be jealous it should be me. He paid an awful lot of attention to you today."
Blaine leaned in conspiratorially, bringing their faces close together.
"Don't worry, Kurt. He's not my type."
"Mine either," Kurt replied, closing the small distance between their lips.
XXXX
"Blainey Bear!"
"Hey, Caity Cat!" Blaine beamed as he recognized the voice on the other end of the phone.
"How's my favorite brother?"
"I'm your only brother, Caitlin."
"But you're still my favorite." Blaine could hear the smile in her voice.
"Well, you're my favorite sister."
"Wow! I'm so honored." They both laughed heartily. Boy, how Blaine missed his sister.
"So seriously, what's up bro?" Caitlin asked.
"Not much. We just finished midterms. The Warblers are winding down for the year..." Blaine trailed off.
"Who is he?"
"Who?"
"The guy who made you unable to finish that last sentence once you started thinking about him."
"Oh." Blaine smiled fondly. He wasn't very good at keeping things from his sister.
"Please tell me there is a guy, Blaine."
"There is a guy."
Blaine was pretty sure that he could hear his sister bouncing happily on the other end of the phone.
"Is it Kurt?" she asked excitedly.
Oh my god, how does she do that? Blaine had mentioned Kurt in passing maybe once or twice before and he had spoken to him on the phone over winter break, how in the world did Caitlin know?
"Yes."
Caitlin squealed and Blaine was pretty sure that she was now jumping up and down as well.
"Oh my God, Blaine. I am so happy for you. Tell me everything."
Blaine filled her in on the basics of their courtship, stopping to smile and reflect fondly as he went.
"Wait a second. You have had a boyfriend for almost two months and I didn't know about it."
"Umm..."
"Blaine Thomas Anderson! When you start dating someone you call your sister and tell her everything so that she can properly celebrate and share your happiness with you."
"Oh. Good to know," Blaine smirked. Caitlin laughed.
"Hey, Caity Cat!"
"Yes, Blainey Bear?"
"I have a boyfriend!"
Caitlin screamed so loudly into the phone that Blaine had to pull it away from his ear.
"So, I'm guessing that this means you are plus one for the wedding?"
Blaine felt a shot of coldness run through his veins. He hadn't even thought about the wedding.
"Blaine?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
"Plus one or no?"
"Ummm..."
"Do you want him to come?"
"Yes," Blaine said without hesitation.
"Then you are plus one," Cailtin said, her smile evident in her tone.
Blaine sat quietly for a moment trying to figure out whether he really wanted to submit Kurt to a trial by fire with his family.
"Mom and Dad don't know, do they?"
"You didn't know, how would they?"
"When were you planning on telling them?"
"After we eloped?" Blaine teased.
"Blaine," his sister said diminutively.
"You know how they feel about this, Cat. Besides, Mom called right after we got together and I wasn't quite ready to say anything yet."
"Wait. You haven't talked to them since February?"
"No. Mom called to give me her standard, 'Your grades are quite acceptable, son. I guess we will continue to allow you to attend Dalton' speech," Blaine said raising his voice to mimic his mother's. "Then she went off on some tangent about how busy Dad is at work, how Bridge Club was organizing some event or another, and how stressed out you and she are about the plans for the wedding."
"Oh... I'm sorry, B."
"Eh. No worries. I'm used to it."
"But you should call them more often. Then maybe you would have something to talk about."
"The phone rings both ways. If they want to talk to me, they know where I am," Blaine said sadly, knowing full well that the reason they didn't call was because they had nothing to say to him.
Caitlin's heart hurt at the sadness in Blaine's voice. The situation with their parents was complicated and even though they thought Blaine didn't care about talking to them, it was quite apparent that he did. She hated the whole thing. Though Blaine would always be Caitlin's favorite, she was blessed to have a strong relationship with their mother and an amicable one with their father. Blaine had neither.
"I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything, Cat. We've been over it many times before. It is what it is."
"So what do you want to do about the wedding? I don't really want me addressing an invitation to Kurt to be the way Mom finds out you have a boyfriend. She's being very particular about the guest list so it's not like I can just slip it past her."
Blaine thought for a moment.
"Can you let me talk to Kurt about it first? I want to make sure that he would be able to come before I jump into the fire."
"Sure." Caitlin paused, "But you know that you are going to have to tell them some time soon, right?"
"Yes, I know."
Blaine could hear movement on the other end of the line, the sound of papers rustling. "What is Kurt's last name?"
"Hummel."
"Kurt Hummel," Caitlin said, amusingly letting the name roll off her tongue as she scribbled it across her notepad. "Sounds cute."
"He is." Caitlin squealed; Blaine smiled.
"Oh, Blaine. I cannot wait to meet him. I'm so happy for you!"
XXXX
Once again Blaine awoke in tears. Once again he buried his face in his pillow, broken and begging for relief. This really had to stop.
XXXX
On the outside, Blaine Anderson was a confident, charming gentleman. The boy that everyone liked and admired. The born performer. The good student. The boy who was head-over-heels in love with Kurt Hummel. The boy who wanted to give Kurt everything.
Then there was another part. The part that whispered to Blaine in dark shadows, in moments when he was alone, and in his dreams. The boy who was damaged, broken, weak. The part that made him doubt everything, made him feel unworthy of even the most simple pleasures in life. The boy that was scared. Scared of the feelings and connection he had with Kurt. Scared of the power Kurt had over him. This part loved Kurt, too, but was terrified of him.
Blaine had done a fairly good job of hiding the less favorable part from everyone at Dalton, including Kurt, for a long time, but he knew that as he and Kurt grew closer together, that side would be exposed, literally and figuratively. Kurt broke down Blaine's walls in ways that no one else could, but even Kurt was having a hard time besieging the wall that held Blaine's darkest secret. But, Kurt was coming close, so close, to removing the final bricks that would expose Blaine. When Blaine looked at Kurt in quiet moments he knew that Kurt sensed his hesitation and fear. Blaine could see that his boyfriend was starting to understand that there was so much more to Blaine than he had originally thought.
Or was he?
"Why are you so perfect, Blaine?" Kurt teased, smiling amorously and pulling Blaine close. Yet again Kurt's boyfriend had presented him with a line out of a fairy tale the middle of an everyday conversation.
"I'm not perfect, Kurt," Blaine returned seriously. "No one is perfect."
"Well, you are about as close as it gets," Kurt said as he swiped his fingertips along Blaine's hairline.
Blaine would usually blush at this kind of flattery, but today it was just hitting him all wrong.
"Trust me, Kurt, I'm not," he said, looking hard into Kurt's eyes before letting them fall away, hoping that he would just drop it.
Kurt slid his hand under Blaine's chin, tilting it up to join their eyes again and dragging his thumb along Blaine's strong jaw.
"You're intelligent, talented, caring, and gorgeous," Kurt said smiling proudly at his boyfriend. "Sounds pretty perfect to me."
Blaine tried to hear the flattery, tried to let himself dissolve into the love in Kurt's eyes and wrap himself up in it so that he could believe the words coming from his boyfriend's lips, but he just couldn't. He pulled himself from Kurt's grasp, turning away from him.
Kurt puzzled, brow furrowing. He placed a warm hand on Blaine's shoulder.
"What's wrong, Blaine?" he asked softly, concern evident in his voice.
"I just," Blaine sighed, "I just really hate that word."
Kurt didn't understand.
"What word?"
"Perfect," Blaine exhaled.
"Why?"
Blaine tried to figure out in his mind how much of what needed to be said he wanted to reveal at this moment.
"I just haven't had good experiences with that word. Nothing in life is perfect, and thinking so just leads to heartache."
"Oh." Kurt could feel himself drowning in the subtext of Blaine's statement. He wrapped his arms around Blaine, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder, holding him close. "I still think it though."
Blaine pushed his way out of Kurt's arms, standing and spinning to face him.
"Don't," he said sharply.
"It's supposed to be a compliment, Blaine," Kurt defended.
"Well, it's not a compliment to me. It tells me that you don't know me very well because anyone who truly knew me would know that I am far from perfect."
Kurt not know Blaine very well? That statement didn't even make sense.
"What are you talking about, Blaine?"
"You don't know me as well as you think you do," Blaine said before he could think.
Oh, shit.
Kurt looked at him with wide eyes, confused and hurt, but open and beautiful.
"Tell me, then," Kurt said softly. "I want to know you."
Blaine's heart broke in his chest. His boyfriend was sitting on his bed, heart open, eyes trained, waiting for Blaine to share himself. It was more than Blaine could take. The tears came hard and fast, welling up in Blaine's eyes, sliding smoothly down his cheeks.
Kurt stood to meet him, cradling him in his arms, moving a hand to the back of his boyfriend's neck and guiding him to settle his head against Kurt's shoulder. Blaine let himself be pulled in for a moment, to feel the warmth and comfort that always came with being close to Kurt. Kurt kissed his hair softly.
"You can tell me anything," he whispered.
But that was just the thing. Blaine couldn't tell Kurt anything, because he couldn't bring himself to tell Kurt this.
"Okay," Blaine said, voice breaking a bit.
Kurt held him tightly for several minutes, feeling their shared breath. Waiting. Waiting for Blaine to speak.
But the words never came.
Blaine raised his head, kissing Kurt softly on the lips and returning to the bed and the book he had been reading before this conversation had started. Kurt stood dumbstruck, frozen to the spot, and Blaine wondered for a moment whether Kurt was really going to let him get away with this.
Kurt's brain was swimming. He turned his eyes to look at Blaine who was settling back in, not looking at Kurt, trying with all of his might to make it seem like something significant hadn't just happened between them. Kurt felt himself break. He had tried so hard to be available for Blaine, but to have him just shut down like that and walk away was more than Kurt could take.
"I should go," Kurt said finally, collecting his books from the bed. Blaine's eyes shot up. Kurt had never said that he wanted to go before. In fact, usually it was Blaine who was convincing him that, yes, he did have to go back to his room at night. He could see the sadness developing in Kurt's body. And he knew what Kurt knew. Blaine was hiding something from him. Kurt was sure of it now.
"Okay." Blaine could hardly believe the word escaped his mouth.
Okay? I'm going to just let him go?
"Okay," Kurt returned sadly, loading his books into his messenger bag and draping his jacket over his arm. He turned back to look at Blaine, searching his face, having a conversation without words.
Everything is going to be okay. I love you.
With a sigh and a heavy heart, Kurt turned slowly and walked through the door.
Blaine burst into tears.
XXXX
Kurt sat cross legged on his bed, turning over the shiny disc in his hands, tracing the letters with his finger. For my teenage dream. Yours, B Simple words that said so much. Kurt was Blaine's dream. He was Blaine's love. And Blaine belonged to him. Blaine was his. His eyes closed and he remembered the way it felt to have Blaine's arms wrapped around him as they swayed together, Blaine singing to him, Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you. They loved each other, how had they had gotten so far off track? He had tried to be available for Blaine, but Blaine kept pulling away from him, leaving him feeling unwanted and desperately alone. Why doesn't he want me? Maybe they would have been better off as friends. Maybe they rushed in too fast. Things between them were so intense, maybe it was just too much to handle at such a young age. But Kurt couldn't bear the thought of losing Blaine. He needed his best friend back, even if they couldn't be in love anymore. Though Kurt wasn't quite sure that he would ever stop loving Blaine Anderson.
"Hey," Patrick said quietly, surprised to see his roommate. Kurt hadn't even noticed him come in.
"Hey," he returned, looking up from the disc in his hands to see Patrick settling his books on his bed..
"You all right?" Patrick asked. Kurt was slumped over, not exhibiting his normally impeccable posture, his skin splotchy, his eyes red rimmed and hollow. Patrick recognized the CD that Blaine had given him.
"Yes. No. I don't know."
"Oh." Patrick wasn't really sure what to say. He and Kurt were friends, though not overly close. Kurt had been gone a lot over the past two months and they had sort of drifted apart. He could see that Kurt was upset and he wanted to be supportive, he just wasn't sure how.
"You hungry?"
"Not really."
"Still you need to eat. Come on, let's go get some dinner."
"Okay," Kurt agreed, looking down at the disc once more, fighting tears.
Kurt usually ate dinner with Blaine. He had been waiting for Blaine to call and say that he was ready to go, but it was already 7:30 and Blaine almost never made it past 6:30 before needing dinner. Kurt accepted defeat, tossing on his blazer and slipping on his loafers. He didn't even check his appearance in the mirror before they left. And that, as much as anything else, told Patrick the severity of the situation.
Blaine didn't eat that night. He hadn't been very hungry lately anyway. He was ashamed. He couldn't believe that he had pushed Kurt away so strongly, that he had just let him leave. But every time Kurt came near him the guilt and weight of the things left unsaid lowered on him and it got hard to breathe. And not in that pleasant way that it usually got hard to breathe when Kurt was around.
Blaine had managed to convince even himself that the slowness of their relationship had something to do with chivalry and not the brokenness that Blaine was afraid to share. Yes, Blaine wanted his relationship with Kurt to last, and taking it slow did seem like a good idea, but it had mostly been a cover, a way to keep the distance between them, hiding underneath his clothes in hopes that the darkness he battled could stay hidden from Kurt for as long as possible. He knew once that wall gave way, everything would open up and Kurt would be able to see inside his soul, see the darkness that it contained. But things were so intense between them that they escalated quicker than Blaine had expected. He had never had such a connection with another person, had never wanted to badly to touch and taste and be lost in someone. The compulsion drawing him to Kurt was so strong that he couldn't fight it, in order to hide himself he would have to push away the man he loved.
So he let Kurt walk out of his room and didn't call Kurt to go to dinner, he lay on his bed with his ear buds nestled in his ears listening to "What Hurts the Most" on repeat until there were simply no more tears to cry. He couldn't stand the thought of losing Kurt, but he was trying to accept the fact that sooner or later he would push Kurt away hard enough that Kurt would be done with him. He had to protect himself, ready himself for the inevitable blow. Knowing all the time that this was his fault. And maybe, maybe Blaine could deal with that guilt as long as he knew that he wouldn't be able to hurt Kurt anymore. It killed him seeing the pain he was causing the boy he loved, the sadness in his beautiful eyes. He had been selfish for wanting Kurt when he couldn't give Kurt what he deserved. Kurt would be better off without me, Blaine decided. Blaine didn't deserve someone like Kurt, he didn't deserve to be happy.
The buzzing of his phone on the nightstand jarred Blaine into reality. He rubbed his eyes, wincing at how sensitive they were. Looking at the screen he saw there was a text message from Kurt, a simple 'goodnight.' The corners of his mouth raised involuntarily, not a true smile, but something different than the frown he had been wearing all evening. Kurt was thinking about him, he hadn't been forgotten. Kurt hadn't given up. A small thread of hope shot through his heavy heart. His fingers moved effortlessly over the keys, typing out a simple 'goodnight' in reply before laying back onto the bed and letting sleep take hold.
XXXX
Kurt usually appreciated the fact that the Warblers were the rock stars of Dalton Academy. Usually. Then there were days like today when Kurt would much have rather been unknown. Everyone in school knew Blaine and because of that everyone knew Kurt. Unfortunately, when Blaine and Kurt were having relationship issues, everyone knew about that too. Kurt knew that showing up to dinner with his roommate instead of his boyfriend would not go unnoticed.
Things had grown strange between them. Whatever Blaine was hiding had become the giant pink elephant in every room. It couldn't be ignored. As a result, they were spending far less time in each other's company than they had before. Things were stilted between them.
Kurt felt lonely as he made his way through the halls without his partner. His heart hurt. His hand ached with emptiness at lacking Blaine's to hold. Kurt felt like he was in a fog, unable to think properly, his whole body heavy as it waded through the thickness. He was met with looks of pity, people he didn't even know tilting their heads in sympathy. Whenever he met one of the Warblers they patted him on the back reassuringly. The whole school knew his pain.
"You comin' to the game on Saturday?" Peter asked trying to make conversation as they wrote up their lab notes. "It's the last of the season."
Kurt was obviously distracted, but he turned his eyes to his lab partner.
"Hadn't really thought about it," Kurt said honestly. He usually spent Saturdays holed up in Blaine's dorm studying and not studying all day long. But since he didn't know where they stood, he wasn't sure what he would be doing this weekend.
Peter cocked his head to the side, watching Kurt's face.
"Trouble in paradise?"
Kurt's expression turned pained. He didn't really want to discuss this with Peter of all people, but more than that he didn't want it to be happening in the first place. He thought quickly, trying to figure out something to say that was neither a lie nor a confession. As well as things had been going with Peter and as over things as Cameron seemed to be, Kurt didn't feel he should risk being anything but sure of his relationship with Blaine, however unsure he felt in his heart.
"Nah. I'm just tired." Which was true. Kurt felt extremely tired.
"Oh," Peter said, knowing that Kurt was lying. He had seen Kurt and Blaine in the halls, strained conversations, faces twisted in frustration, hands to themselves. It was clear to anyone with eyes that there was something wrong between them. Since the time that they had become a couple, they had been together constantly, eating together, holding hands in the hall, stealing kisses when they thought no one was watching. They had risen to power couple status at the school and everyone took notice of what they did. Unfortunately, since neither Kurt nor Blaine would address what was happening between them, the rumor mill had decided to write the story for them.
XXXX
"What's going on with you and Kurt?" David asked his friend as they sipped their afternoon coffee.
Blaine looked up from the pattern he was creating with the stirring stick in his beverage.
His friends could see the weight behind his eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Well," Wes began gently, "something is obviously up and the whole school is talking about it."
"Why?"
"Well for one thing you guys are usually joined at the hip and as far as I can see he is no where to be found," Wes said, looking around.
"He's busy."
"And for another, neither of you seem very happy. You're not smiling like you used to."
Blaine was silent, unsure of what to say.
"Blaine, people are talking. They are saying some, uh, some things. We don't want to believe them, but we aren't sure what to think," David said, concerned.
"We're your friends, Blaine. Please just tell us what is going on," Wes implored.
"What are they saying?" Blaine asked, defeat evident in his voice.
"Well, some are saying that one of you cheated, but the jury is still out on which one and with whom. Some are saying you broke-up. Some are saying that you are mad because Kurt won't put out."
The stir stick fell to the table, Blaine's eyes widening in shock.
"People are really saying that?"
"Yes, Blaine. That is why we are concerned," David said pleadingly.
"Neither of us cheated. We are still together. We are just trying to work some things out," Blaine said simply. He looked his friends hard in the eyes and added, "And if anyone is not putting out, it's me."
The two older boys looked at each other, a shared expression of shock on their faces. They weren't expecting that.
"I'm sorry, Blaine, but why is that exactly?" David probed.
"The time isn't right," Blaine said sadly.
"I know we don't know the whole story so you can take what I am about to say with a grain of salt, but if this whole thing is about you being a gentleman and not wanting to push things too fast, then I think you should really reconsider," David suggested.
"Well that is easy for you to say, Mr. I-fucked-her-before-I-caught-her-name!"
"Hey, Anderson! That's my girlfriend you're talking about," David said angrily.
Blaine hung his head, clenching his eyes closed. That was a low blow. What the hell had come over him?
Wes and David shared surprised looks, what the hell was wrong with Blaine? He was clearly in turmoil, far from their usually calm and well spoken friend.
"I'm sorry," Blaine said, raising his eyes to David. "Really. That was totally uncalled for."
David could see his sincerity. "I accept your apology."
"Thank you. You were saying?" Blaine looked at him inquisitively, urging him to go on.
"Every time you guys are together, Kurt looks like he is about ready to die of sexual frustration. I didn't quite understand it before, but now it makes sense. He wants you, Blaine. Bad."
"I know." Blaine's eyes fell again to the creamy brown beverage sitting untouched in front of him. "But that isn't all that this is about."
"Okay, Blaine. You know better than we do. I just thought that I would throw that out there in case you had any doubts."
He barely heard the words, lost in his coffee and his thoughts.
Wes and David stood in unison, shouldering their bags and sharing looks between them. Wes clapped a hand on Blaine's shoulder, saying, "We're here if you ever need to talk."
"Okay," Blaine said, without raising his eyes.
XXXX
"Kurt. Kurt wait up!" a familiar voice called to him as he walked quickly down the hall. The taller boy strode up next to him, Kurt not easing up his pace. "I'm so sorry, Kurt," he said.
Kurt looked up to find two large brown eyes staring down upon him, a look of concern on his face.
"For what exactly?" Kurt inquired as they reached the grand staircase.
"I heard about you and Blaine."
Kurt spun around to meet Cameron's eyes.
"Heard what?" Kurt asked incredulously.
Cameron glanced around at all of the boys that were passing. He lowered his voice and leaned toward Kurt, whispering, "That you broke up."
Kurt's eyes flew wide in shock. Is that what everyone thinks?
"No. No, we didn't break up," Kurt replied hurriedly.
"Oh," Cameron puzzled, leaning back a bit. "So what's going on then?"
Kurt rolled his eyes. This was even worse than having this conversation with Peter.
"Nothing," Kurt lied.
Cameron shifted from side to side, understanding that Kurt was lying and trying to decide whether he was going to push it or not.
"Everyone knows it's not 'nothing'."
"I know."
They stared hard at each other, Kurt crossing his arms defensively over his chest, awkwardness falling around them.
"Can we just drop it?" Kurt asked confidently, neither pleading nor imploring.
"Sure. I just...uh," Cameron tripped over his words, "I'm sorry for whatever is going on."
"Okay."
Cameron looked at him sadly. Kurt was far too beautiful to be this upset. Cameron pressed his lips into a thin line.
"Okay," Cameron repeated. Kurt dropped his eyes, pushing past Cameron, and making his way up the stairs.
XXXX
Things had gotten progressively more tense in the days that passed. Their physical relationship disintegrating and conversations between them becoming snappy. Whenever Kurt even looked like he was going to touch his boyfriend, Blaine pulled away, sometimes in anger, sometimes in tears. Blaine seemed on edge nearly all the time, though Kurt tried desperately to coax him away from it. Kurt longed for the sweetness and closeness that they were losing, so he kept trying, hoping that Blaine would eventually come around.
"God, Kurt! Is that all that you can think about?" Blaine shouted at him as he moved away from the hand resting on his knee, regretting his reaction immediately.
Not being one to back down, Kurt returned in kind, saying angrily and sarcastically, "I'm sorry. I want to kiss and hug and touch my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask? Geez, Blaine. What the hell is wrong with you?"
The question pierced the air like a knife, Kurt wishing he could stuff the words firmly back down his throat and Blaine taking a shot to the stomach.
"I have other things to do with my time. I have to study and do well in my classes. My future depends on it. I'm not delusional enough to think that I am going to make it through life on my talent alone."
Oh shit, did I really just say that?
Kurt couldn't believe it either.
"I'm not delusional, Blaine," he roared. "I just know what I want, unlike some people."
"I know what I want!"
"And apparently that isn't me."
The conversation went from heated to painfully real in an instant.
Blaine groped for words, words to assure Kurt that he did want him very, very much. More than anything else.
Kurt waited, hoping that Blaine would speak, would claim him.
After a moment of them looking at each other dumbly, Kurt continued, his voice shaky, "I want you, Blaine. I want everything about you."
He waited, begging with his eyes, please, Blaine, please say you want me too.
Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat.
"I want you, too, Kurt. So much."
Kurt's heart lightened, pounding in his chest. He moved toward Blaine, taking his hand.
"Then just tell me what the hell I did to make you so upset with me? Tell me so that we can work through it."
Blaine choked and fuck, there were the tears again. He looked at the beautiful hands that held his. Kurt was sunshine and rainbows and everything that was right with the world. At that moment Blaine felt completely despicable. Once again Kurt was moving toward him. Once again he was moving away. How many more times would Kurt wait patiently for him to figure his shit out before he decided that Blaine wasn't worth the time, effort, and heartache?
Kurt punctured the deafening silence with the one question that hung ominously in the air.
"Why don't you trust me?"
The fight that ensued was sad and cruel and left both Kurt and Blaine feeling battered and broken. In his attempt to reassure Kurt that he did in fact trust him (though there was mounting evidence to the contrary), Blaine had ended up yelling at Kurt for not being able to drop it, for not trusting him. Kurt implied that perhaps Blaine wasn't trustworthy especially when they both knew that Blaine was keeping something important from him. Blaine said it shouldn't matter. Kurt said that it wasn't fair for Blaine to know everything about him, for him to be completely open and honest while Blaine was not. When Blaine lost the ability to further defend himself, Kurt stormed out, slamming the door in way that made Blaine feel sick. He dissolved into a puddle on his bed, sobbing brokenly.
Blaine sobbed heartily into his comforter for what seemed like hours. When he arose he was completely numb, cut off from the world. He knew he needed to get out of there. To get some air and try to clear his head. He grabbed his gray Dalton hoodie from his closet, throwing it on and grabbing his sunglasses to hide his tear stained eyes as he left his room.
XXXX
"You have to tell him, Blaine," Stacy said softly.
Sitting across from Blaine in the corner both, she watched her friend hide behind his hands, face tear stained, eyes red.
"I know," he returned brokenly.
"So what are you waiting for?"
"He's just," Blaine searched for words, "He's so open. There isn't anything that he hasn't shared with me and yet I have been keeping this secret from him. He's so amazing, Stacy." Blaine finally looked up. "He's everything to me. I can't stand the thought of losing him."
"But you realize that if you keep pushing him away you are going to lose just the same?"
"Yes."
"So just tell him, Blaine. This is obviously important to you and you are letting your guilt get in the way of your love."
Blaine looked hard into his friend's eyes, choking on his words. "He's... he's never going to look at me the same way again." He exhaled sharply, barely able to form the words. "He thinks I'm perfect."
Stacy reached across the table and took Blaine's hands in hers.
"Now you listen to me. He doesn't want you to be perfect. He wants you just as you are. He's in love with you, Blaine."
Blaine could feel the tears making hot trails down his cheeks. He opened his mouth to protest, but there were no words.
"Besides, Blaine, it wasn't your fault what happened to you. You were trying to deal with it. We all make mistakes."
"Some more permanent than others."
"Yes, but that doesn't make you any less deserving of happiness."
Blaine wished that he could believe that.
Stacy continued, "Kurt's not going to see you as broken. He is going to see how strong you are."
"I'm not strong," Blaine said, pressing his palms into his eyes, trying to hold back the tears and gritting his teeth.
"Yes you are, Blaine. You can do this. Just tell him so that two of you can get on with loving each other the way you deserve."
Blaine sat for a moment letting Stacy's words roll around in his head, not sure what to do with them.
"Thank you," he finally replied.
"You're welcome. Trust yourself, and Kurt. Be brave, Blaine. Have a little courage."
XXXX
Sitting on the edge of a cliff overlooking a deep cavern, his heels resting just along the edge, Blaine admired the way the sunlight played on the tops of the mesas surrounding the vast hole, but could not permeate its depth. He felt content sitting in the sunshine, Kurt's arms wrapped firmly around him, his head resting comfortably against Kurt's shoulder.
He sighed and Kurt tightened his grasp. Blaine smiled, turning his head to place a soft kiss against Kurt's neck and look adoringly upon him. Blaine's eyes fluttered closed and he rested peacefully in his love's embrace.
The thin wiry hand of darkness crept over the edge of the cliff, wrapping itself firmly around Blaine's ankle without his knowledge, tugging him sharply down. He felt himself being dragged over the edge of the cliff as Kurt tried desperately to hold on to him, grasping his arms and hands as he slipped over the edge.
"Blaine! Blaine!" Kurt cried out, fear washing across his face.
Looking down into the seemingly bottomless pit, Blaine could see skeletons moving in the darkness. A terrified scream broke his lips as he tried to kick the hand from his ankle and find traction against the wall of the cliff.
"Blaine! Blaine! Look at me," he heard Kurt shout above him.
He turned his face to his boyfriend, his eyes captured immediately by Kurt's. Kurt looked terrified, but was suddenly eerily calm.
"It's okay. It's okay, Blaine. Don't look down, just look at me," he reassured.
Blaine could feel the weight on his ankles continuing to drag him down, his body embroiled in a tug of war between the darkness beneath him and Kurt above him, powerless between them. He tightened his grasp around Kurt's wrists, holding on for dear life, his eyes never leaving Kurt's.
He stayed like this for a long time staring into the fear in Kurt's eyes, a knot settling heavily in his stomach. He could feel Kurt starting to tire as the darkness continued its relentless weight. He slipped in Kurt's grasp, both of the them reflexively tightening their hands.
"Just let go," Blaine whispered, breaking their eye contact as he looked away.
"I'm not letting go," Kurt replied, tears evident in his voice.
"You have to. If you don't I'm going to pull you down with me."
"I don't care."
"Well, I do," he said before pausing and returning his eyes to Kurt's. "I love you. I won't do this to you."
Kurt's eyes were red with tears, sweat collecting along his hairline.
"I love you, too," he choked. "I won't let you go."
"Yes, you will!" Blaine shouted angrily, struggling in Kurt's grasp.
"Blaine. Blaine, please," Kurt cried, fighting against him. "Please, Blaine. Don't do this. I love you."
Blaine dissolved into tears at the brokenness in Kurt's voice, sobbing helplessly, wondering how much longer Kurt could hang on.
XXXX
They had each apologized for the role they took in the escalation of their fight, but 'I'm sorry' doesn't always heal the hurt. They needed to be close to each other again so they had silently agreed that they would spend the evening studying together. They were best friends after all; they didn't know how to be apart. And Blaine's room still felt like home to Kurt, even if it hurt to be there.
Kurt wanted to be with Blaine and to be with Blaine, but right now he would have been happy to go back to where they were before. They were together, but there was a wall between them, large and looming. Kurt felt like they were back to where they had been at Christmas time, so much to be said, but no one saying it, so much desire, but no action, so much uncertainty, but no resolution.
Even though Blaine denied it, Kurt was preparing himself for the day when Blaine would finally tell him it was over. He wondered how long he could stay in a relationship with a man that blatantly kept secrets from him, even if that man was Blaine. Kurt didn't want to push Blaine to tell before he was ready, but this situation was clearly breaking both of their hearts. The time of speculation had passed, Kurt just wanted to know. He couldn't bear it anymore, becoming desperate for whatever truth Blaine felt was so horrible that it necessitated this level of drama. He had encouraged Blaine, reassured him, left him alone. Kurt wasn't really sure what to do anymore. It hurt too much to be together. It hurt too much to be apart.
So he tried not to think about it as he sat quietly next to Blaine on his bed, studying, his pen sliding between his lips.
Blaine couldn't believe what he had done to them. He couldn't believe the things that people were saying. Couldn't believe that despite all he had put Kurt through, he was still there. His best friend. His boyfriend. His Kurt. Sitting next to him on the bed and doing that with his pen.
Kurt was gorgeous and the power he held over Blaine seemed to be particularly strong tonight. Maybe because they had spent so much less time together recently. The image of Kurt's pen sliding against his perfect lips sent heat through Blaine rendering him completely unable to focus on anything besides the beautiful boy beside him. As he watched Kurt working the pen over he wondered when he had last kissed those lips. Sure they had shared several chaste pecks here and there, but mostly out of habit. When was the last time that he really kissed those lips? Three days? A week? Two? Blaine wasn't really sure, and that realization broke his heart. It had been far too long.
"Kurt?" he said softly, his breath stilling in his chest when those beautiful blue eyes met his. Blaine offered a smile, Kurt smiled hesitantly in return. Blaine cupped his boyfriend's jaw softly, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. He was caught for a moment in those eyes, the ones that looked directly into him, boring a deep hole in his soul and setting up home. He could see Kurt's concern, his sadness, his questioning, but he also saw the love and affection Kurt couldn't hide. Blaine's smile widened, his heart lightening. Even though he had not spoken the words, he knew Kurt loved him. Kurt loved him. What the hell did he have to be afraid of?
It was then that he decided he had to tell Kurt. Now. Kurt was as close to him as anyone had ever been. He knew Blaine in a way that others did not. If Blaine couldn't tell Kurt, who the hell could he tell? He had thought about it a lot and realized that even if telling Kurt was the end of their relationship, he was no worse off. Kurt was not going to wait forever, he deserved much better than that. By not telling him, Blaine would effectively be ending their relationship and prolonging their pain. But if he bared his soul, there was a chance that Kurt would stay. Besides, when he really thought about it, he wanted Kurt to know. He wanted that level of openness between them. He trusted Kurt. He loved Kurt. Kurt was his best friend. After all that he had put him through, Kurt deserved to know the truth.
Blaine moved their faces close, stopping to search Kurt's eyes for a moment before closing his and pressing their lips softly together. Kurt neither deepened the kiss nor pulled away content just to have Blaine's lips on his and not wanting to jinx it. Blaine tipped his head to the side and parted his lips slightly. When Kurt didn't reciprocate, Blaine sucked lightly at the soft pink flesh. Kurt could feel hope blossoming in his heart, but he was afraid to move, afraid that whatever he did next might make Blaine back away from him. When he felt Blaine's tongue teasing lightly across his bottom lip he breathed in sharply. It was amazing how good that felt when it had been so long. Blaine's hand slipped from Kurt's cheek to the back of his neck as he parted his lips and let Blaine lick into his mouth.
Blaine's tongue explored experimentally, like they hadn't already been doing this for months, grazing over Kurt's teeth and the roof of his mouth before nudging against his tongue. Slowly they began to slide across each other and then dance together. Eyes firmly closed they were awash in the feeling of their mouths fitted together, the sound of their breathing and heart rates quickening.
Kurt wrapped his arms tentatively around Blaine, settling them lightly on his back. Blaine moved into the warm circle, twisting his body to lean Kurt back into the pillows and lay half across him. Kurt's heart fluttered in his chest, hopeful. The feeling of Blaine's body against his, the weight of him set off a quiet desperation in Kurt. He wanted this so much.
The pace of their lips quickened, became hungry, their hands reaching to grab and curl into each other. It had been so long. They both fought the tears that assaulted their eyes, not wanting anything to come between them in this moment as the rising heat melted them together.
Blaine reached for the buttons of Kurt's shirt and Kurt's heart leapt. Maybe Blaine had finally gotten past whatever had been bothering him. Blaine undid the buttons, slowly and deliberately, his gaze holding Kurt's hostage as he moved. He pushed back the cotton and moved his eyes to take in the stunning beauty beneath him. Then, ever so slowly, he lowered his mouth to his love's chest teasing tender kisses across the soft skin. Kurt's breath ceased. He was a afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid that at any moment he was going to wake up from this dream. Except that it wasn't a dream, Blaine's mouth really was warm on his chest mapping his body ever so slowly. If this was the last time that he would ever have Kurt laying beneath him, Blaine was going to make it last.
Kurt was putty in Blaine's hands, desperate for his touch. Completely at Blaine's mercy, ready to give him everything. He would let Blaine do anything to him, anything as long as he didn't stop loving him, anything as long as he didn't stop touching him. In that moment, he didn't care about the secret that Blaine was keeping because as long as he had this, he could wait. He felt his heart open and lay itself at Blaine's feet. Kurt was terrified.
Blaine returned his mouth to Kurt's, smiling as he pulled away, motioning without words for Kurt to sit up so that Blaine could slide the shirt from his arms. Blaine began to work the buttons on his own shirt, smiling happily when Kurt's hands met his and took over the job. Kurt was having a hard time remembering to breathe at the sight of Blaine, the erotic feeling of removing his clothes, the excitement building in his body, and the fear.
Kurt wanted to reach out his hands to graze over the curve of Blaine's chest, to drag his mouth from neck to belt, but instead he looked into his love's eyes and choking on air. Blaine was looking at him in awe, like he had never seen Kurt like this before, like Kurt was an angel who had descended from above and saved his life. Kurt couldn't help the look of wonderment he returned, knowing that something had definitely changed.
Blaine regained their position, feeling the press of warm skin against skin. Kurt gasped inaudibly as he began to feel the sparks fly between them. They were still just looking at each other, hands stilled as they enjoyed the press of the boy they loved. They settled their lips together, kissing softly, but purposefully as the heat continued to build, stopping for a moment every so often just to lock their eyes and stare.
Many moments later, Blaine lay his head on Kurt's shoulder burying his face into the side of Kurt's neck, breathing him in. Kurt smiled contentedly and rested his head on Blaine's. They both felt that they were finally making progress.
I love you. Blaine heard his heart say. Just tell him. Tell him that you love him. Tell him everything. He loves you, Blaine. He is here with you because he wants you, the way you want him. Together you are strong. You can get through this. Just tell him.
Blaine raised his hazel eyes. Kurt met him with such earnestness and awe that it filled Blaine's heart. Okay, he thought as he pulled courage from his love's eyes, I can do this.
"Kurt," he started hesitantly.
"Yes," Kurt returned softly, sure from Blaine's tone that whatever he was about to say was very important.
"I have to tell you something."
"Okay." Kurt kept his eyes trained dead on Blaine's, willing the words from his boyfriend's mouth. This was the moment he had been waiting for, the moment of truth. Anxiety seized his breath.
"Well, actually," Blaine continued, his eyes falling away from Kurt's, "I have to show you something."
XXXX
How's that for a cliffhanger?
In the next episode: Blaine reveals his secret
Song:
What Hurts the Most – Rascal Flatts (mentioned)