Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.

Chapter 12: The Ersatz Date Misstep

"So you're really breaking up with me?"

"No, but I think we should take a break."

Sheldon knew by now what taking a break meant. "So is this going to be like that infernal Friends you keep watching? We'll take a break and you'll have coitus with someone else because you're mad at me."

"I'm not Ross," Penny protested. "And you and I have never slept with each other for me to be able to sleep with someone else after you!"

"We've slept together," Sheldon pointed out.

"You know very well I meant sex."

"I know nothing of the sort," Sheldon said in a vexed voice. "I'm a theoretical physicist, not a mind reader."

Penny completely missed the inference to Star Trek. "I know that but I still think we should take a break while you get your priorities straight."

"My priorities are straight."

"If you think that then, I don't think it's even worth taking a break."

"So we're good?"

"No, Sheldon, it means that I think we should break up."

"But I don't want to break up," Sheldon pouted.

Penny's head hurt and, deep down, she really didn't want to break up with Sheldon. "Fine, we'll take a break instead."

Meemaw knocked on Penny's open door to see she was packing. "May I come in?"

"Yes," Penny said, having a few things she wanted to say in private to Meemaw. "Close the door."

Meemaw did so before saying, "Shelly tells me you two are taking a break."

"That should make you happy."

"Yes, it does," Meemaw admitted. "But it's not because I don't like you."

"Well, you could've fooled me," Penny said as she put down the tee-shirts she'd been about to pack and turned to face Meemaw. "You decided I was a floozy before you even got to know me and after telling me you were pleased to meet me!"

"I was pleased to meet you. I wanted to see if you were as big a slut as Shelly's letters said you were."

This took the wind out of Penny's sails somewhat. "Sheldon said I was a slut?"

"No, he said his neighbor Penny dated a lot of men. When Mary told me on the way to her house that you were his former neighbor, I didn't have to be as bright as Shelly to put two and two together and come up with four."

"So because I've dated a lot of men that automatically means I've slept with all of them?" Penny asked. "Just who the hell do you think you are?"

"Someone who cares about my family."

"Yeah, it sure looked like it when you were slagging off Missy for being a waitress."

"She could be so much more."

"Perhaps she doesn't want to be because then she might have to put up with your interfering."

"I don't have to take this from you."

"Then leave. You know where the door is."

Meemaw shook her head. "No, I'd much prefer for you to go."

"I was going to but I think I've changed my mind," Penny said sweetly. "Now get out of my room. I do believe you've outstayed your welcome."

Meemaw held up her head and stalked out.

"Penny?"

"Sheldon?"

"I have a nice surprise for you."

Penny smiled happily at Sheldon. "What is it?"

"Meemaw is going to start doing all the housework."

As much Penny disliked Meemaw, she thought this a little bit much. "Sheldon, she's an old woman."

Meemaw's voice came wafting along the corridor from the living room. "I hardly regard myself as an old woman."

"At least I know now where you got the Vulcan hearing from," Penny muttered.

"I heard that."

Over the ten days since Meemaw had come to stay, Penny had begun to realize where Sheldon got a lot of his traits from but in Sheldon they seemed childlike and, although annoying, they certainly weren't deliberately petty, which was more than Penny could say for Meemaw.

"It's nothing that isn't true," Penny retorted as she walked into the front room. "I'm quite capable of doing my own cleaning."

Sheldon coughed and muttered, "Not in this universe you're not."

"I do my own cleaning," Penny reiterated, more than a little pissed at Sheldon for his comment, "in this universe or in any other, and I don't need your grandmother doing it for me."

"I was just trying to help," Meemaw protested. "You've been pulling extra shifts at the Cheesecake Factory and I thought you might be tired."

After the battle she had had keeping Meemaw out of the kitchen, Penny wasn't about to do it again with the cleaning, and besides, she hated cleaning. She therefore walked over to the fridge and unpinned a sheet, which she shoved into Meemaw's hand. "Fine, if you want to clean, be my guest. This is Sheldon's list of everything he likes done. Good luck with it."

Meemaw gave a pleased smile as she surveyed the list. "I see you've remembered everything I taught you, Shelly."

"I should've guessed," Penny said, her mouth puckering up into a tight line.

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness," Meemaw reminded her.

"Yeah, but Sheldon doesn't believe in God," Penny countered.

"No, but he believes in being clean," Meemaw said, before she smiled at Sheldon. "I think as a reward I'll make some raisin oatmeal cookies for you."

Sheldon turned to Penny. "You're in for a real treat."

"So you keep telling me but I've yet to see it," Penny said, her lips tightening until they almost disappeared. "I'm going out."

Raj headed for the fridge the moment Penny stormed in, pulling out a bottle of beer and handing her one, before unfastening two more for himself and Bernadette, and taking a swig from one. "That bad?"

"I swear you're going to see me on Cops if that woman doesn't go."

"The offer to stay in my spare room still stands," Bernadette reminded Penny.

"I told the she-devil that I wouldn't move out."

"Well, not to sound unsympathetic but I hope you make Sheldon do something with her soon," Raj said as he sat down next to Bernadette. "He keeps bringing her to work with him and it's driving me insane."

"Try living with her," Penny grumbled.

"At least she doesn't call you 'the help'," Raj countered.

"No, she calls me 'the slut'!"

"She was really sweet to me," Bernadette revealed. "When she discovered I was trying to get my doctorate, she kept trying to push me at Sheldon that day she and Sheldon came into the Cheesecake Factory."

"She was nice to you because she thinks you're on Sheldon's level."

"But I'm a doctor too," Raj complained. "And I have a bigger desk than Sheldon, or I did until Meemaw made us swap over."

"Isn't there some Indian voodoo you can do on her?" Penny asked desperately.

"Normally I'd complain about your prejudiced comment but if there was, believe me I'd have done it by now."

"Why don't you offer Sheldon a little sugar if he throws her out? Maybe take him to next base," Bernadette suggested, giving Raj a suggestive smile. "It's how I got Raj to talk to me without alcohol."

Raj nodded in agreement. "I can now squeak her name if I try really hard."

"It might work for you but it took a broken bone in Sheldon's hand and drugs to get him to cuddle up with me without wanting to put a bolster in between us."

"Can't you break his hand again?" Raj asked hopefully.

"Nice idea, but no."

"You could just break a little bone," Raj suggested, before his face fell. "But you're not going to, are you?"

"No. All I want is for this month to be over and for things to get back to normal, but I'm not sure they ever will if Sheldon continues to choose his grandmother over me," Penny said in a dismal voice.

"Of course he'll pick you," Bernadette said, squeezing Penny's hand.

"But what if he doesn't?" Penny asked. "What if Sheldon chooses his precious Meemaw?"

"Then I'll break the bone for you," Raj offered.

Penny smiled and got up, kissing his cheek on the way out. "Thanks. I'd better go back."

"See you tomorrow," Bernadette said as the door closed behind Penny. "I don't envy her."

"What about me? I have to put up with that woman too."

"I can do something to you to cheer you up that I can't do for Penny."

Raj's face lit up. "Such as?"

Bernadette whispered something in his ear. "So what do you think?"

Raj's answer was to pull Bernadette on top of him and kiss her soundly.

Penny sat down in front of the TV and switched it on, only for Meemaw to lift a hand to her head and weakly say, "I have a terrible headache. Do you think you could turn the TV off?"

"Of course she'll switch it off, Meemaw," Sheldon assured his grandmother.

Penny deliberately turned the sound up, took the batteries out of the remote and then walked out.

Meemaw stopped Sheldon from switching the television off. "Perhaps my head isn't so bad. If you could lower the volume for me, I'll watch Jeopardy I think."

A few minutes later Penny walked back in with her purse in her hand, prompting Sheldon to ask, "Where are you going?"

"To the comic bookstore."

"I want to go."

Penny shrugged. "Sure."

"I think I'll go too."

"I'm sorry but the seat belts in the back seat of my car don't work properly," Penny lied, her smile sugary sweet. "I'd hate for anything to happen to you."

"I'm sure they can't be that bad," Meemaw said, smiling just as sweetly back.

"Oh, they are," Sheldon said, unwittingly helping Penny along. "Even though she got the engine fixed, her car is a potential death trap and health hazard."

"Then perhaps you shouldn't go either. I don't know how I'd ever explain to Mary that you'd been hurt."

Sheldon's face went through a myriad of emotions, hope of going to the comic bookstore, worry at the frightened look on his grandmother's face that he might actually go, and sadness because he knew he had to refuse. "Meemaw is right, Penny. Perhaps we should wait until you've had all of the seat belts checked."

"Great idea," Penny said in a voice filled with sarcasm.

Sheldon as usual didn't hear it. "Thank you, Penny. Would you like to watch Jeopardy with us instead?"

"I think I'll go to my room and listen to some music."

"Do keep it down, dear," Meemaw said. "We'd like to be able to hear the TV."

"Screw this," Penny said as she turned on her heel and headed towards the front door.

"I thought you weren't going to the comic bookstore because of the seat belts," Sheldon said.

"I wasn't but I've changed my mind."

"She's very indecisive, Shelly," Meemaw said in a disapproving voice. "I don't know how you deal with it."

"Sometimes neither do I," Sheldon murmured, shaking his head as Penny started to close the front door.

It was totally the last straw for Penny and she turned around and marched back into the living room.

"As I said, indecisive," Meemaw murmured.

"Well, get a load of this for indecisive," Penny said to Meemaw, before turning to Sheldon. "Sheldon, pick right now. It's me or Meemaw."

Sheldon stared blankly at Penny. "You or Meemaw for what?"

"How the hell you ever got a PhD baffles me," Penny said in exasperation.

"I actually have two, and I would've thought their acquisition simple to comprehend, even for someone with an educational background such as yours…" Sheldon began, only for Penny to interrupt him.

"Sheldon, don't even go there. What I'm saying is that either she leaves this apartment or I do."

"Why do I have to pick?" Sheldon's voice had risen slightly as panic began to set in.

"Because Meemaw doesn't like me and I don't like her," Penny said, laying her cards on the table. "I think she's a manipulative bully, and she thinks I'm a whore thanks to you."

"But I never said that," Sheldon said. "I'd remember if I did."

"I know you would. You've got an idiot memory."

"It's eidetic."

"I know what I meant," Penny said, before going on, "And, no, you didn't say it, but you wrote in your letters to your precious Meemaw that I've 'dated' a lot of guys."

"But I wasn't lying," Sheldon said. "Historically, you have dated a lot of guys."

"And if you don't shut up, you're going to be history too," Penny barked out, her head beginning to ache. "So pick, Sheldon, me or her."

Sheldon was now like a trapped deer, his head swiveling from side to side without seeing any way out. "But you can't ask me to pick. Meemaw is family and you're my girlfriend."

"Then I'm taking a break, Sheldon," Penny said in a sad voice. "I'm sorry but until you get those priorities we talked about straight, this relationship is a little like that snowflake you gave me, permanently frozen."

"It's not frozen, it's encased…" Sheldon's voice died away as Penny stomped off through the front door, slamming it hard enough to make everything shake.

Meemaw picked up the packet of high fiber cereal to put into the cart, only for Sheldon to shake his head. "I don't like that one."

After spending three weeks with Sheldon, Meemaw had decided that Sheldon spent too much on groceries. "Shelly, it's the same as the brand you buy except cheaper."

"No, it's not, the fiber pieces are square and not round," Sheldon complained. "I like round pieces."

"They all look the same when they come out the other end."

Sheldon, however, was stubborn. "I want round cereal!"

Meemaw swapped the cereal over. "Is that better?"

"Yes."

"As long as my Moonpie is happy."

"I'm not," Sheldon said as he walked down the aisle. "I miss Penny's cooking. She doesn't make lumpy oatmeal."

"It wasn't lumpy."

"I found two lumps in it yesterday," Sheldon said, nitpicking. "Penny's oatmeal never has any lumps in it."

"Then I'll make sure that there are no lumps tomorrow."

"I only have oatmeal on a Monday," Sheldon said in a voice filled with exasperation. "Tomorrow is free choice cereal day and I'm going to have Big Bran."

"But you had that today."

"I haven't had a bowel movement since Penny left and I need the extra fiber."

"I'll buy you some syrup of figs."

Sheldon shuddered. "I'll stick to Big Bran."

"Moonpie, your Meemaw knows best."

Sheldon pursed his lips and shook his head. "But I don't want syrup of figs."

"Shelly, I…" Meemaw broke off as a woman stopped in front of her.

"Well if it isn't Annabelle Lee," the woman declared.

"Josephine Hardcastle," Meemaw said in return. "My, my, it's been over fifty years since I last saw you."

"Right before you moved to Galveston to get married."

"So it was." Meemaw then remembered Sheldon. "Josephine, this is my youngest grandson, Sheldon, who I'm staying with while he recovers from a fractured hand."

Sheldon smiled politely but ignored the outstretched hand. "I don't shake hands."

"Of course not, you're hurt," Josephine said, before pulling out a notebook from her purse and speaking to Meemaw again. "While you're here, Annabelle, we have to do lunch and catch up if you're free on Friday at one. I know just the place." She then scribbled down some information. "I've included my number if you can't make it. Must dash."

Meemaw handed the paper to Sheldon as Josephine hurried off. "Do you know where it is?"

"Yes, but I don't eat there."

"Wouldn't you like to eat there?"

"Not really," Sheldon said, his mind back on his shopping as he thought about Josephine and her wanting to shake his hand. "I need some hand sanitizer."

"You have several bottles in the bathroom."

"You can never have enough hand sanitizer," Sheldon said, before pointing. "This way, it's in aisle thirteen."

Bernadette tried to cheer Penny up. Sheldon had just broken the news by phone that his Meemaw was staying for another month. "We could go out dancing."

"I'm too tired."

"How about going out for dinner? You have to eat. We could have Chinese. I know a wonderful place."

Her stomach rumbling, Penny reluctantly agreed.

Across town, Sheldon was putting up more of a fight. "I don't want to go to Yang Chow. I want to get takeout and play games with Raj."

"And I want you to meet Josephine's granddaughter."

Sheldon had no idea about his grandmother's plans and asked, "Why?"

"Because she's a scientist, just like you."

Sheldon still didn't get what Meemaw was trying to do. "So?"

"I thought you might like someone to talk to who's a peer."

Sheldon snorted. "Meemaw, unless she's a genius, then she can't be my peer."

Meemaw tried a slightly different tack. "Wouldn't you like to meet a nice, clever girl?"

"No, why would I? I meet plenty of fairly clever girls every day at work, although I've no idea if they're nice or not."

Meemaw resorted to bribery. "If you come with me, tomorrow night I'll cook fried chicken."

Sheldon wavered, his mouth watering but he shook his head. "Saturday isn't fried chicken night."

"And I'll make a potato salad to go with it."

"German style?"

"Of course."

"And can we have peach cobbler for dessert?"

Meemaw knew she'd won now. "Anything you want."

"Then I suppose I'll go," Sheldon said begrudgingly. "But I reserve the right to ignore scientist girl."

"Just be polite."

"I'm always polite."

"Of course you are, Moonpie," Meemaw said, rubbing her temples. "Would you call a cab?"

At the restaurant, Sheldon politely stood up when Meemaw's friend, Josephine, arrived, a resentful looking, bespectacled dark-haired young woman following her. "Hello, Annabelle, Sheldon, this is my granddaughter, Amy."

Sheldon nodded politely as he had promised his grandmother he would do. "I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

"Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

Josephine gave Annabelle a nod and said, "Well, we'll leave you two alone."

"But…" was all Sheldon got out before the two elderly women hurried away.

"I do believe we've been set up," Amy remarked, before shrugging. "At least this means that I've filled my quota for dating this year."

"I don't consider this a date," Sheldon said, scowling in the direction of the door through which his grandmother had just exited. "I consider it an ambush."

"I'm still going to consider it a date," Amy declared. "My mother requires me to date once a year, and sitting and eating a meal with you will cover that stipulation."

Sheldon knew only too well about promises to mothers. "I too have a similar requirement, although mine involves visiting a church and praying to a deity I don't believe in."

"So have you fulfilled that requirement this year?"

"No, and I barely squeaked in last year with a Christmas Eve visit when I was in Texas."

"So you find such visits demeaning?"

"No, I find them pointless, somewhat like this evening," Sheldon said, before looking gratefully over Amy's shoulder. "The waiter is coming this way. We should tell him that we won't require the table after all."

Amy surprised Sheldon with her response. "We might. If you agree that this is a date and swear that to my mother, I'd be happy to reciprocate and lie to your mother about visiting church."

"But you don't know her and she lives in Texas."

"I'm willing to sign an affidavit to the effect you went."

"Well, I am a notary public and could authenticate it," Sheldon mused before shaking his head. "No, it wouldn't work. My mother would somehow still know it was a lie."

"Of course she wouldn't."

Sheldon ignored the waiter to say, "I once sabotaged my sister's Easy Bake Oven and even though I swore I hadn't done it, my mother somehow knew I had." Sheldon frowned. "Then again, in retrospect, perhaps the fact that I left some partially destroyed evidence inside of it might have given me away. Nevertheless, even without leaving evidence, I just know she'd find out."

"Perhaps there's something else I could offer in exchange?"

"I sincerely doubt that unless you have any limited edition Batman comics that I don't."

"No, but I have Scholarpedia: Computational Neuroscience if you'd like to read that."

"You're a neurobiologist?"

"Yes."

"What were our grandmothers thinking?" Sheldon said in dismay.

"What field are you in?" Amy asked curiously.

"I'm a theoretical physicist."

"You're right, what were they thinking," Amy muttered, before saying, "But I'd still like to use you for this date."

"I don't think so." Sheldon rose to his feet.

"I have a fridge full of Yoo-hoo," Amy said desperately, blurting out the only thing else that came to mind.

Sheldon hesitated. "Well, it is difficult to say no to that offer, but if I agree, it'll be an ersatz date only, and I'm only doing this because I too understand the hardship of the pressure a mother can place upon a person."

"Shall we shake on it?"

"I don't shake hands, and I have one final proviso. I want to leave here and eat at the Golden Dragon instead."

"Agreed," Amy said, rising to her feet. "And I want to let you know that, even though this date has only come into being because of a situation formulated by our respective well meaning but dim-witted grandmothers, all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table."

"I should hope so. Let's go."

Sheldon had just reached the door when it opened to reveal a very familiar blonde. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

"Eating," Penny said, glancing at Amy. "And what are you doing here?"

"He's on a date with me," Amy responded. "But we're going to the Golden Dragon to eat."

"Real nice, Ross!" Penny snarled, before turning and walking out.

Sheldon hurried out after her, calling out, "But I haven't had coitus with her."

Penny turned around. "Dating someone else when you're on a break is as bad as having sex with her, Sheldon."

"But…" Sheldon spluttered, intending to explain about the mix-up.

"I don't want to hear it," Penny said, tears welling up in her eyes. "And you can forget the break. We're over."

"Shame on you!" Bernadette hissed as she scurried past Sheldon to get into Penny's car with her friend.

Totally unaffected by the situation, Amy walked over to Sheldon as the car screeched away. "Are we going to the Golden Dragon now?"

"I'm not hungry," Sheldon said, his appetite gone.

"You can always watch while I eat," Amy offered, still hopeful of fulfilling her mother's requirement so early in the year. "And we did come to an agreement."

"I suppose," Sheldon said in a dismal voice, before adding yet another proviso. "But only if you drive me home afterwards. I don't have my bus pants with me and it's sometimes difficult to get a cab there at this time of night."

Amy nodded towards the car park. "This way."

After they'd both used the restroom to wash their hands, Amy asked, "Why were you on a break with your girlfriend?"

"I invited my Meemaw to stay, and Penny thought Meemaw hated her because she's a whore, so she said we were on a break and moved out," Sheldon said, plucking at the paper napkin he'd taken out of the holder.

"Is she a whore?"

"As far as I know she's never been paid for coitus," Sheldon responded. "So I would have to go with no."

"So why not simply tell her that you don't want to be on a break?"

"Because she said I had to get my priorities straight," Sheldon said, his face showing his confusion. "I think she meant I had to ask Meemaw to leave but I couldn't do that. Although I don't suppose it matters now. She broke up with me because I'm on a fake date with you."

"So you're not going to fight for her?" Amy asked.

"Do women like that?" Sheldon asked uncertainly.

"I don't know," Amy said, shrugging. "I've never really been involved with a man before, except for my annual date."

"I'll Google it," Sheldon decided.

"A wise idea. I think I should eat now." Amy looked delighted as she reviewed the food choices on offer. "Are you certain I can't persuade you to join me? The food looks and smells delicious, although the proof will be in the eating. I once endured food poisoning after eating a similarly delicious looking meal."

Sheldon's stomach rumbled at the smell of food and he changed his mind about eating, before saying, "I too have endured a similar ordeal in the past but I can assure you that the food here meets health standards. I obtained the last health report."

"That's most reassuring," Amy said, loading up her plate from the buffet.

"What are you drinking?" Sheldon asked as they returned to their table.

"Tepid water," Amy said, pulling a thermometer out of her bag and dipping it into her glass of water. "95 degrees, excellent. Most restaurants don't get it right. I may have to include this restaurant on my culinary delights list."

"You keep lists?"

"Yes, don't you?"

"Yes, I do, although my eidetic memory makes the necessity somewhat moot."

"Then why keep them?"

"To show others when they ask," Sheldon said, sniffing his food appreciatively. "And to keep a permanent record in case, heaven forbid, I should die and my genius be lost."

"You believe you're a genius?"

"I know I'm a genius," Sheldon said in a snotty voice.

"What's your IQ?"

"187, although it cannot truly be measured by standard tests. Yours?"

Amy told him and Sheldon gave her a nod. "At least yours is higher than Leonard Hofstadter's."

"Who?"

"My back-stabbing roommate," Sheldon said, his brow furrowing. "He ruined my one chance at obtaining a Nobel Prize and I'm formulating my revenge against him."

"How?"

So Sheldon told Amy what he had told nobody else, and she nodded. "An expensive but nevertheless interesting way to take revenge. I approve."

"Why thank you, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

"You can simply call me Amy," Amy said. "If I may call you Sheldon."

"Even though I doubt we'll see each other again after tonight, I believe that would be acceptable."

"I need to stop talking now and eat my dinner before it gets cold," Amy said, disliking cold food. "We can talk afterwards."

"I don't see what we have to talk about, but again, that would be acceptable."

When the meal ended, Sheldon pulled out his wallet, although Amy protested. "I'm well aware from reading the websites as to what makes a good boyfriend and, for this to qualify as a date, even an ersatz date, the man should pay for dinner. It will also provide the necessary proof should your mother require it."

"On the limited data I've been able to assimilate so far, I do believe you would make a good boyfriend, Sheldon."

"Why, thank you, Amy," Sheldon said, before his face fell as he thought about Penny. "But it isn't you I need to persuade."

"Well, should you fail to persuade your flaxen haired beauty that you're meant for her, I'd be happy to provide a single date next year," Amy offered.

"Unlike you I don't have to fulfill such a requirement," Sheldon said. "But thank you all the same."

"Then I'll collect the Yoo-hoo and drive you home."

As they arrived at his apartment block, Sheldon unclipped his seat buckle. "It's nice to have ridden in such a clean and well maintained car."

"If you should like to ride in it again, don't forget I'll be free again next year," Amy reiterated, handing Sheldon her card. "This is my number."

"You may keep the card," Sheldon said, after glancing at it. "I'll remember your number."

"If only every boy who had said that to me had been telling the truth," Amy lamented.

"How many didn't?"

"All of them except for you," Amy said sadly. "If you truly have an eidetic memory, then you won't be able to forget my number."

"I do truly possess such a thing, although your number will be consigned to a lesser used part of my brain as it's of no real use to me as I don't foresee us meeting again," Sheldon said bluntly. "So goodnight, Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Goodnight, Sheldon Cooper," Amy said, before waiting until the door had closed and then gently pulling away from the curb, not once looking back.

Sheldon patted his case of Yoo-hoo and headed upstairs, where he found his grandmother waiting for him.

"Shelly, how did your evening go?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Sheldon said, walking straight past his grandmother and down the corridor into Penny's bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he cracked open a bottle of Yoo-hoo and said to himself, "I'm going to drown my sorrows in Yoo-hoo instead."

When Meemaw went to check on him, she discovered the entire case had been emptied and Sheldon was fast asleep, lying on Penny's bed and clutching to him a teddy Penny had yet to collect.