Surviving on Your Own

Going Nowhere

Every field agent has mandatory psych evaluations, no matter what rank we are. I fucking hate Dr. Swarnson. She persuades me into talking about my "problems", claiming it will help, but that's a farce.

Dr. Swarnson has been assigned to me special. She's one of the few people here who know I'm a former Gundam pilot. The Preventers are made up of a mish mosh of ex-Oz, Alliance, Romefeller, White Fang, and remnants of the Barton Foundation. All the enemies I ever fought against. So being one of the feared five Gundam pilots would not go over well with many of the people here. I'm sure some of them suspect I might be one of them. I'm the youngest Lieutenant, and the rest of the men and women in my rank are in their late twenties early thirties. I'm almost nineteen. Others recognize me from my time with the Barton Foundation, so the general belief is that I'm ex-Mariemai faction.

So Dr. Swarnson knows who I am, or was, and not by my choice. Une told her before I even had my first session. I would just bite my tongue and not say shit in my sessions, but if I do that then she won't clear me for duty. So here we are, in her office, again. She's staring at me from behind her glasses, waiting for me to speak first.

She sighs, "Wufei, we need to discuss your rage."

"Hn," stolen right out of Yuy's book.

Pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation she continues, "You have a tendency to fly off the handle, Chang. You've gone through," she shuffles through papers on her desk, "eight partners since you've been here. All requested for partner reassignment, and each had many complaints about you, and your temper." Dr. Swarnson pauses, waiting for me to say something. When I don't she concedes, "And you damaged Preventers property last week in the men's locker room."

"I paid for the repairs," I finally give in.

"Yes, you did. But we should discuss why you tried to destroy it in the first place," she responds. Don't talk down to me, bitch. I hate when she talks to me in that patronizing tone, like she's talking to a child.

"I was angry."

"Why were you angry?"

"Because, I just was."

"I'll ask again, why?"

"I over heard people talking about me. I didn't like what they said."

"What did they say?" She asks. I don't respond. "We really need to get to the bottom of this, Chang. I think you may need anger management," the good doctor suggests.

I take in a deep breath, "No." She tries to speak again, but I cut her off. "No, no. I do not need more therapy. And I'm sure as hell not going into group therapy."

"But your anger is getting in the way of your job now, Chang. It's either anger management or you take a vacation. We can, and will, put you on forced vacation if you don't go willing."

"You can't do that!" I shout. "There's no such thing as 'forced vacation'."

She smirks at me, she fucking smirks. "Yes there is," again it's the patronizing tone. "Our forced vacation policy is more like a sabbatical and it was put in place for agent like yourself. Some of you think you can work night and day, never take a sick day, and practically live here. We cannot have that, it adds stress to the body and mind to never take a break. This is to keep our agents at top performance."

Gritting my teeth and glaring daggers at her, I growl, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

"I kid you not," she makes a steeple with her fingers under her chin and asks, "So, which will it be? Anger management or vacation?"

I roll my eyes, "Neither."

"Sabbatical it is then," she says, and writes something down. My blood is beginning to boil. "This is not paid vacation, it is three weeks..." I see red around the edges of my vision as I begin to tremble. "We will also deactivate your I.D. so that you cannot sneak into the building..."

I launch myself from my chair. Dr. Swarnson gasps, and her eyes widen as I take two large strides to stand in front of her desk. Using both arms, I swipe everything from her desk onto the floor. The computer smashes into the carpet and the screen shatters, papers fly everywhere. I punch her desk, and it cracks. She can't do this! She can't do this to me! All I see is red.

I grab her by her slim biceps, she lets out a startled yelp. Hauling her up, and half way over her desk I begin to shake her like a rag doll. She screams.

I scream back, "I won't let you do this to me, you fucking bitch!" My grip tightens as I shake her violently.

The door opens with a crack! And two security personnel come running in, they force me to let go, and haul my ass out of there. They remove my gun and my badge and cuff me to a chair just outside Dr. Swarnson office.

Une magically appears out of no where and yells, "Lieutenant Chang Wufei, you are suspended without pay until further notice!" Fuck you.

Sitting cuffed to the chair, people swarming around me, going in and out of Dr. Swarnson's office, my actions dawn on me like a ton of bricks.

I put my hands on a woman. I put my hands on a woman in a violent way. I'm a disgrace to my clan, my rank, and my gender. I'm a pig. I don't deserve to call myself a man. My whole body shakes with shame and remorse. Someone kneels down in front of me and places a gentle hand on my shoulder. I don't look, I don't deserve to be touched so kindly. "Wufei..." She says.

I look into her blue eyes, "Sally," I whisper.

She looks so sad, "Tell me what happened, Wufei."

"I - I...I don't know," my answer is a stammer that's barely audible. I close my eyes so I don't have to see the concern and sympathy she has written across her face.

"Po, go check on Caroline. You two, escort Chang off the premises," Une's voice commands. Sally leaves, and I'm un-cuffed and forcefully hauled up. They clutch my arms and don't let go until they're shoving me out the door and into the underground parking lot.

Somehow I find my vehicle without looking up from my feet and climb in. I grasp the steering wheel loosely and rest my head against it. Fuck, what've I done? I can't believe I...I can't believe. I open the visor and look into my own eyes in the little mirror. My brown eyes (1) look scared. I'm so pathetic. Taking in a shaky breath, I start my SUV and leave.

I don't know where to go. Instead of making a left out of the parking garage I go right. I'm not going to my apartment just to sit there and sulk.

I end up driving aimlessly for hours. Going nowhere fast.

(1) No one has black eyes. I've read so many fics claiming that Wufei has black eyes. Wufei would look like a shark if he did. So I'm giving him dark, dark brown eyes.