AN: Thank you guys so much for the comments and alerts. It's such a nice warm feeling seeing that people are reading. I just hope as I update I'm learning and getting just a tiny bit better at writing.
Chapter Four: part three
I stared out the big window that covered one whole wall, watching as the snow drifted mutely to the ground. It was a weird combination, watching the cold outdoors while I sat lounging on a pool recliner in my bathing suit. A bathing suit I hadn't worn it over a year, a blue tankini that I'd only worn twice before.
"And then Mike was asking me about the difference between then and than because we were having that English test," Jessica was saying loudly talking over the splashing and shouting coming from the water, "So I told him we should get together to help each other study and one thing led to another and we started making out." I flipped my eyes back to her and Angela in mild surprise. Mike moved quickly, it made me grin and I had to hold a laugh.
Angela smiled easily, "That's incredibly brave," she stated sincerely.
"Brave?" Jessica asked. A blow up beach ball landed right beside her with a wet smack and she quickly picked it up and tossed it to a young boy who was waving his hands up.
"Sorry," he called. Jessica waved her hand out in front of her to express how it was no problem before returning her attention to Angela.
"I just don't think I'd be able to bridge that gap."
I rolled my neck around. I'd been listening to pointless girl talk from mostly Jessica all night and it was nice to hear Angela speak up. Actually I'd been listening to pointless girl talk a lot lately. Angela had been planning weird girl oriented get togethers* since the night of the party, inviting Jessica along often times as well as a few other girls she was closer to.
Tonight was just another event and I had to admit I'd enjoyed it more than the other times. At least tonight we'd gotten in a little swimming along with the stereotypical teenage babble.
It was Tuesday night and I was exhausted, school had been long and I was tired but I had agreed to hang out and I couldn't break my word to Angela. There was something telling me she wouldn't be comfortable with just Jessica keeping her company.
"From 'studying' to kissing?" Jessica questioned drying her hair out with the towel she'd brought.
"From talking about school to asking him over," Jessica clarified shyly.
Jessica's face lit up, "There's someone you're trying to nab, huh?"
Angela bashfully looked down and I had to interrupt, "Jess if she doesn't want to talk about it don't force it," I was trying my best to seem passively stern. I didn't want Jessica to take my words as a mean command but I did want to watch out for Angela.
Jessica's eyes flipped to me quickly before returning to poor Angela. Neither seemed to mind my suggestion; Angela was playing with the board shorts she was wearing over her dark brown one piece while Jessica was leaning forward in gossipy interest.
"It's just, well, you know how I am," Angela mumbled. "Boys and I don't go together well."
Jessica made a PSHT sound that drew Angela's eyes back up. "You were dating Erick," she pointed out.
"But he's Erick," she enthused, "It's not like he's Ryan Reynolds*."
I laughed, "You don't give yourself enough credit," I told my friend.
"You really don't," Jessica added. I was suddenly proud of Jessica; I hadn't expected such kind words from her lips. It wasn't like she was cruel just that she wasn't exactly the complimenting type. She liked gossip and tragedies and sometimes I let those aspects of her personality overshadow the fact that she was a nice person. Sometimes, I was embarrassed to admit, I generalized her.
"But it's like I'm stuck here. I'm stuck feeling this way," Angela whispered.
I pulled my legs around the recliner, planting my feet on the ground, and turned my full attention on the two girls.
"Well you've got to do something to get out of your funk then," Jessica offered, "There is someone else, isn't there?" She said it slowly; like it wasn't the gossip she could easily play with Wednesday morning in class.
"I like someone," Angela said vaguely.
"So what's the problem? Did he turn you down?" Jessica asked without missing a beat.
"He's dating someone else."
My eyes widened, "How do you know that?" I cut in before Jessica could open her mouth.
"At the party," Angela returned looking down again, "He was kissing this beautiful blond girl." Well that explained her pity party, not that I minded it in the least.
"Well that doesn't mean he's taken," Jessica smiled, "People do stupid things at parties. People kiss and fool around, they get together and break up, in the morning a lot of the nights' events don't matter."
I didn't know if that made Angela feel any better, it wouldn't have made me feel any better, anyway. "She's right," I played along, "You don't know for certain he's seeing her, do you?"
"He didn't say anything about a girlfriend," Angela admitted, "But he never seemed like that type of boy." In her quiet pause I heard the words she didn't say 'I don't want him to be that type of boy' and it made me feel sorry for her. "I just don't want to try to get involved if it'll end with heartbreak. I already feel… I already feel… awful."
I patted her knee and she gave me a tiny smile that didn't light her face up in any way, "So ask him." Jessica was logical, straight to the point, you could never argue that.
"It's not that easy how would you even bring that kind of thing up*," I spoke up.
"Well she talks to the guy, right?" We both turned to Angela who nodded shyly. "You talk to him about lots of things, right? Not just school; life stuff?" Angela nodded again. "Well if you really want to know you'll find a way to fit the question into conversation."
"I don't want to seem pushy," Angela murmured.
"If you don't want to try, that's fine, but how much do you really care about him if you won't even try." I had to admit Jessica's logic was startlingly sensible.
"Maybe," Angela answered noncommittally.
"So you're not going to tell me who, are you?" Jessica added.
Angela laughed, "I don't want to say until I know for sure where things are going. I don't want to jinx it." She took a deep breath, "don't be offended, it's not you, it's just I already feel so embarrassed about this all. I'll tell you later, I promise."
Jessica only looked slightly bothered, "We'll get ice cream* next week; you'll tell me then?" she formed it like a question but I heard the command and I was sure Angela did as well.
"Sure," Angela agreed.
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After Angela had dropped Jessica home and was heading over to my place I spoke up, "You don't have to tell her about Ben."
"I know I don't."
"It's just Jessica can be kind of pushy and you shouldn't feel obligated to tell her everything, not if you don't want to."
"Jessica's a little pushy I'll admit but its nice hearing her perspective on guys. It's nice thinking for ten minutes that it could really be so easy. I think I owe her the truth, I know it's nothing major and I trust her not to go around telling everyone."
"I like Jessica, she's a nice girl but just promise me you'll think about the possible consequences. The more people who know the better chance it can get out. I'm not saying Jessica would blab but… well you should just be aware that it could happen."
Angela sighed, "No, I know what you mean. You're looking out for me and I appreciate it, I do, but I also kind of want to ask Jessica what she thinks about my situation, like the whole thing, all the details…" She trailed off and for about a minute the car was silent. "Do you really think Ben kissing another girl could be nothing."
"A kiss is sometimes just a kiss," I pointed out. "Sometimes it doesn't mean anything to the other person."*
"I really want to believe that."
"You really never know and the truth is I think you're close enough with Ben that he'd tell you about a girlfriend."
"That was what really surprised me," Angela's words exploded out. "I really think, really, really think, he would have told me about a girlfriend. I mean he definitely talks about his friends and family and all that kind of thing and teenagers, well they always seem to talk about the opposite sex, you know, he would have said something," she tapped the break as we pulled into my driveway, "I think so anyway," she whispered.
"Don't worry so much. If it doesn't work out maybe it wasn't meant to be." I cracked the door causing the overhead light to reveal her nodding absently lost in her own thoughts, "You're a great person Angela, you're a good friend, an amazing listener and beautiful; if Ben can't see that he isn't worth a penny."
"Thanks Bella."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, have a good night." I watched as her car drove off really hoping that girl meant nothing to Ben, really hoping Angela got the chance she deserved.
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Wednesday crept up on me, both too soon and not soon enough. I'd spent a lot of the week obsessively thinking about Edward and yet hadn't come to any sound conclusions. It was hard to focus when my thoughts kept lingering on him.
Studying with Edward was normal; I guess after my big realization I thought everything would be different but it wasn't like that. Yet it was different too, there was something charging in the air, something unspoken hanging on my tongue. Even though all the actions were familiar there was something small off. Maybe it was just my conception; my altered reality.
Edward had been going over pronunciation; it was what I was having the most trouble with lately; nothing unusual at all. He'd finished altering my mistaken pronunciation when I decided to breach a personal change of topic.
"Christmas is coming; are you staying in the city?" out of the blue maybe. His nose scrunched up like he didn't want to discuss it and because of that I'd charged ahead, "Because, well, I'm not, I'm going to visit my dad," as I spoke I realized how much I wanted to say these things out loud, "And I guess I'm worried."
"Worried about what?" He placed his hand on my shoulder, a comforting gesture; nothing but friendly. His eyes grew wider; earnest. I realized with a start he was empathetic even if he didn't fully understand my stance on Charlie.
"Just, you know the fact that I haven't seen him in forever. I don't know what we're going to talk about and we're going to be stuck together for a week," I took a breath and pretty much reiterated what I'd just said, "and we're not going to have anything to say to each other."
Edward's thumb rubbed a soothing circle on my bone, "You're worrying about nothing, he loves you," he seemed to pause as if asking a question, the skin around his eyes crinkled with his own form of worry.
"He does," I clarified and the wrinkles cleared out.
"So you have nothing to fear."
"Fear," I made a tiny scoff sound, "It's not fear per say, maybe just, like uneasiness, or something," because, to be honest, I wasn't sure what the right word was for the apprehension I felt.
More than anything I'd surprised myself by admitting that I felt anything off about my trip.
"You don't have to go, do you?"
I thought about that for a moment, "I have to. Renee won't be here and I really do need to see him. I mean he's my father right, he matters to me and I matter to him. I know he'd never say anything but he misses us, my mom and me. He's stuck all alone and I know he has friends and neighbours and work buddies but those people aren't the same as the people you love."
Edward had let me rant but he hadn't stayed stationary as I'd gone on and on. I guess I hadn't been paying enough attention. The hand that had rested on my shoulder had moved up to cup my cheek, holding me, locking me in his gaze. "It's important to be with the people you love," he whispered, "I think, if all you've said is true, Charlie appreciates your visit."
His breath was warm, directed at my mouth, and his eyes were so close. There was something inescapable about the way he was looking at me and my lips parted, ready.
But instead of moving in like I really thought he was going to he dropped his hand and turned back to the notebooks on the table and my stomach plummeted. It wasn't rejection, maybe hesitance. We'd both felt something, even if it hadn't dawned on me till the end.
So we worked on my French as the minutes ticked by and I started feeling ill. It didn't pass my notice that he didn't look up the entire time while I sat awkwardly blushing and fidgeting; barely paying attention to what he was saying. He didn't bother to ask me any questions as he rushed the lesson, didn't seem to notice that I might not be following.
Just as suddenly he was standing and rushing for the door saying that our time was up and that he should be going. It shocked me so much that I almost didn't reach the foyer in time to see him off. If it hadn't been December maybe I would have missed him. I approached him just as he was slipping his shoes on looking fazed holding his mitts, his coat already on.
My vision went blurry and instead of giving him twenty dollars I walked right up to him and tilted my face toward his looking up at him from my 5 foot 4 height. I wanted to say something, speak, but looking at him from where I stood the words halted and fell apart.
I guess I wasn't the only one I'd taken by surprise because Edward stalled his race for clothing. His hands landed on my shoulders, his eyes entranced and in those eyes I felt something sad, longing; something asking me to walk away but praying for closeness. Yet all I could think about was the fact that he must have dropped his gloves because he wasn't wearing or holding them, stupid how my brain was thinking about wasteful things like that.
I wanted to be bold; I wanted to stop the games, the hesitations, the missed opportunities. I wanted to be courageous for once but it was Edward that incredibly slowly, action movie replay slow, bent and angled his face to mine. The closer he came the more I was sure of him, the more I thought this wasn't a one sided infatuation.
When his lips brushed mine I knew something was wrong with my heart, electricity was raging through my veins and the lower half of my body went numb.
I'd never kissed anyone before, not counting family cheeks and five year old naiveties. I'd never kissed anyone I'd liked on the mouth, hadn't even held a boys' hand. So this was all unexpected. His lips were soft, much softer then I would have imagined lips to feel and slightly warm, as they touched mine lightly.
I didn't move; didn't know what to do. His nose was touching mine and somewhere alone the line I'd closed my eyes; instinct?
There are moments in life where everything turns inside out; cores; where everything you thought you understood alters. A moment where everything jinxes; worlds collide; everything is full of possibilities…
At least that's what Hallmark* cards lead humanity to believe.
So maybe I could blame the Hallmark greeting card company for the lack of judgement I showed; could blame them for putting sappy, saccharine thoughts in my head. Then again maybe I should have taken control of myself. Maybe I should have shown restraint…
Maybe that would change my destiny; maybe then I wouldn't have kissed Edward Cullen or if you wanted to be technical: let him kiss me*.
It's funny how huge events can happen; how two seconds before they occur you'd swear to whatever deity you acknowledge that they'd never. It's odd how an entire land of possibilities can sprout from just that one tiny seed.
The kiss was perfect, chaste, innocent, one of those kisses you see in movies that make you root for the couple; intense, unsure, beautiful.
He had started the kiss and he was the one to end it. As he pulled back my eyes slid open, my breath knocked out of me. He smiled at me like he'd won some prize, like his mouth wasn't listening to reason.
I was at a loss for words.
Then he blinked a couple times and walked out the door leaving me truly immobile in my mother's foyer; thoughtless.
Notes:
*Girl get togethers: Angela was organizing these to hear other girl's stories about boys, to get a better perspective on her own situation. I think this is understandable considering in this story she mostly hangs out with Bella who is a lot like her; shy.
* Ryan Reynolds: A Canadian actor.
* Bringing things up: I really, honestly, think there are so many times where bringing up an embarrassing question can fix so many misconceptions. I like the fact that Jessica cuts the BS. I guess that is a lot like me, I'm really straight forward about stuff like that in reality.
* Ice Cream: Yeah I'm laughing, Jessica and Angela are going out in the middle of December to get ice cream. I think the reason why I find this so funny is because my friends and I do that type of thing all the time. Sometimes I'm sure I have no common sense.
* Kisses can mean nothing: I wanted to write this because it's a nice juxtaposition for the ending, or at least I think so.
* Hallmark Greeting Cards: An American based company that sells greeting cards that I associate with the sappy side of life.
* Romance: Like before I really think when the romantic situations run I like a certain kind of silence. Maybe it's because words only muddle up actions, I'm not sure. In the end I edited this part like mad and I hope it runs smoothly and is, at least slightly, visual because for me I tried to imagine everything in my head before attempting to write.