~X~X~X~X~
Chapter 12 - So Close
"Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop…."
"Jimmy, it isn't real." Cas was losing patience. "The Leviathan are gone. I need you to gather your wits."
He paused when the narrow gully he was in opened out into a wide, familiar clearing with a rocky outcrop at the far end. This was where he had last seen Dean and Nia. This was where they had disappeared through the portal, both crying out his name in despair as they left him. He would never regret sending them home but he was certain he would always miss them.
And Benny, for the vampire's relaxed demeanor and unshakable loyalty had grown on the angel over the months of traveling together. And Sam, for after taking all of his memories of Hell from him, Cas had developed a new respect for the youngest Winchester and felt a deep, relatable connection with him.
"No, they're here. Nghgh! Please just leave me alone! Castiel, make them stop!"
The angel closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. Upon awakening Jimmy and attempting to mend his soul, Cas had revived his vessel's memories of the torment the man had endured when the Leviathan had been inside him. He had very little confidence at this point that Jimmy would be able to stay lucid enough on the other side to find and warn Dean of Nia's plans. He had even less confidence that abandoning his vessel to a life of mental torment on the other side of the door was not the cruelest way he could repay years of loyalty. Jimmy was brave and honorable and had been reduced to a tortured mess because he had stepped up when Cas had needed him – twice. Cas owed Jimmy.
He owed Jimmy but he loved Nia. Besides, if Jimmy died in Purgatory, his soul would never reach Heaven and no matter what kind of chaos Cas had left it in, Heaven would be the only chance at peace Jimmy would ever find. This was actually his only way of helping his vessel.
"And Sam got this big dog."
He froze. That wasn't Jimmy; that was Nia! She was praying in his head. Last time he had heard her, it had been in close proximity to the gate and now here she was again, still praying to him. He closed his eyes for a second and relished in the sound of her voice.
"He's huge. He slept in my room. He's nice and warm but… but it's not like when I was in Purg… with you. I miss you. I just don't fit in here, Cas."
She fell silent and Cas felt an immense wave of relief despite the sadness of her words. At least she was still human. He wasn't too late.
"I don't belong here. I belong with you. I want to… just a sec; someone's coming..."
He pressed forward, trying to snap Jimmy out of his incoherent ramblings enough to explain what was about to happen.
What was about to happen? He was going to leave Jimmy Novak's body and send the man through the portal that would no doubt appear as soon as an independent human soul was exposed. Then Cas would be left here once again, this time in his true form – or at least a dulled, near powerless version of his true form. Without the cover of a human vessel to hide in, the Leviathan would very quickly sense him and he would no doubt be dead within the hour.
He began his climb of the outcrop, figuring the portal would appear at the top as it had last time. "Jimmy, I need you to listen."
"No no no. Don't leave me yet. I'm not ready."
"You have to be. Do you remember what you need to do?"
"Find Dean. Tell him to help Nia. But Castiel…"
"That's right. You just have to tell Dean her plan. Then he'll help you too, Jimmy."
"What about you?"
"I'll… I'll be fine here," Cas lied.
"I can tell when you're lying. They'll find you. You won't be able to hide. You'll die."
"A sacrifice I'm willing to make." He was at the top of the outcrop. "Jimmy, will you do this for me or not?"
There was a long pause. "I'll try."
"Thank-you Jimmy. For everything. It's been an honor knowing you."
With that he drew his energies together and directed them out of Jimmy Novak's body. As he emerged, he could tell immediately just how weak he was from his injuries and his time here in Purgatory. Normally a multidimensional celestial wavelength of immense magnitude, his worn and depleted true form was now small, dull, and feeble.
Jimmy immediately dropped to the ground, gasping. Cas waited anxiously for the door to appear and when it did less than a minute later, he didn't hesitate to simply haul Jimmy up and shove him through. His former vessel was swallowed up by the dancing lights of the hole, leaving Cas standing alone in Purgatory.
~X~X~X~X~
"Jimmy?"
Sam stared wide-eyed at the disheveled, dirty man on the forest floor. He was dressed exactly the same as Cas had been when he disappeared in Dick Roman's office well over a year ago, blue hospital garbs and that so-familiar beige trench coat. Only for the first time Sam had ever seen, it wasn't in immaculate condition; it was faded, dirty, frayed, and torn.
"You're not Cas?" Nia looked completely confused and jerked her hands away from the man.
Jimmy shook his head. "No. I'm sorry."
"Jimmy, where's Cas?" Sam demanded, his attention turning immediately to the gaping hole of lights just a few feet away. "Is that Purgatory?"
But Jimmy wasn't paying attention. Instead he was looking at Nia, who had scampered a few feet away but remained crouched on the ground. "You're Nia." He phrased it almost as a question.
"Yeah, she is but Jimmy, where's Cas?" Sam repeated urgently. "Can he come through?"
Jimmy shook his head. "No," he said shakily. "He's… an angel… now."
"He was always an angel." Sam frowned in confusion and immediately threw himself into full analytical mode. "He left you – his vessel – so you'd become human and the door would open," he surmised out loud.
Jimmy nodded, looking again to Nia. "He's worried… about you. He sent me here… for you."
"Wh-what happens to him with you here?" Nia stammered, her eyes wide with obvious alarm.
Sam was one step ahead of her. "He's in his true form." He glanced again at the lights of the door.
"Leviathan," Jimmy breathed. He had pushed himself up to a sitting position.
"What?" Sam's heart skipped a beat at the mention of the creatures that had cost him so much, including Bobby, Cas, and for a year, Dean. "Can they get out?"
"I… don't think so but… they'll find him," Jimmy elaborated, his voice hitching. The guy seriously looked like he was barely hanging on to his last shred of sanity. "Without me to hide in, they'll find him and…"
"And what?" Sam rasped, already knowing the answer.
Nia apparently knew the answer too because she jumped to her feet and started running towards the door, terror in her voice. "Cas!"
Sam caught her as she passed him, wrapping his arms around her and pinning her tightly against him. "No, no, Nia, you can't."
"Let me go!" She was lashing at him wildly.
Sam knew he couldn't do that. But he knew he couldn't just stand here and let the door close on his friend. "Cas?!" he called out, his brain still scrambling to figure out what to do.
There was a distinct glow of pure white light beyond the pulsing luminescence of the portal.
"Sam."
The voice was deep and thunderous, sounding nothing at all like the rich, raspy version of Jimmy's voice that Sam had become so fond of over the years yet it resonated through the hunter with a familiarity that could only come from having the angel inside his mind before. He knew it was Cas – true-form Cas.
"Cas," he grunted, still struggling with Nia. "Can you come through?"
"No. The door will close soon. Is Jimmy al…"
Sam didn't make out the rest of his sentence because Nia was suddenly screaming in his grasp and covering her ears.
Crap. An angel's true voice. But it wasn't affecting him… how was he immune? Being Lucifer's vessel, he supposed, he had a higher tolerance. Or had developed one after having the Devil stuffed inside him for a while.
He dropped Nia and she fell to the ground, panting. Sam didn't wait for her to recover and acted quickly. He stepped forward and threw one leg into the door, keeping the second firmly planted in the forest while he poked his head forward.
It didn't look that different on the other side. Well, similar in that there was sky and trees but it was a different landscape. The trees were more sparse. He was looking over a rocky outcrop into a gully below. Just to the left was a being – not a human but more of a morphing, pulsing shape of white light that hurt his eyes.
He squeezed them shut by instinct then fought to open them just a sliver. "Cas?"
"Sam, don't come any farther!"
Sam reached out his hand. "Come on! You've gotta try to make it through."
"I can't."
He felt a throbbing vibration pulsing through him, the heat now so intense he thought he might be two degrees from roasting alive. Still he held his ground.
"Nia plans on becoming a vampire and…"
"Dean and Benny stopped her," Sam cut him off. "She's fine. Cas, you just have to…"
"The door is closing! You must go!"
"Come with me!"
"I can't pass through the door. Good-bye, Sam. Tell Dean I am sorry and take care of Nia."
Sam felt panic rising within him. He couldn't get this close just to leave Cas to the mercy of the Leviathan. With one foot in and one foot still out, he reached out to his friend again. "Then pass through me," he blurted.
"What do you mean?"
"Yes. I mean yes. Vessel-me."
He could feel the door closing around him. "Yes! Yes!" he shouted urgently into the Purgatory air. "Come through me, Cas!"
Nothing. Damnit, he was too late. Cas was going to die for real this time.
Then the vibrations and heat of the door were swallowed up in a sudden overwhelming rush of physical pain and incoherency. He felt like every last cell of his body was burning up and he was about to explode. he didn't know up from down, light from dark, pain from pleasure. Then as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. He saw the light all around him disappear, leaving him in a cold, empty void that filled in slowly with patches of his surroundings. Feeling like he was falling to the ground, he struggled to balance himself and came to a startling realization.
He wasn't falling. In fact, he was standing steadily and calmly in the Maine forest, looking down at Nia and Jimmy. And he wasn't alone. In fact, he wasn't in control.
Cas was.
~X~X~X~X~
Cas couldn't believe what was being offered to him with Sam's outstretched hand and the repeated word "yes". It hadn't occurred to him but this just might work. He couldn't pass through the portal on his own, that much he had been able to determine in the seconds after Jimmy had gone through, but perhaps he could go through Sam. His brave, young friend had one foot in this world and one foot in the other – the perfect conduit.
He hesitated, wondering briefly if this would pose any additional danger to Sam, but decided if the door started pushing the hunter this way, into Purgatory, he would simply back out. Sam would be safe.
He guided his mass into Sam's body quickly, trying to make the merger as gentle as he could but not having the time to keep it entirely painless. He was surprised by the strength he felt upon settling in – Jimmy Novak had been a sturdy vessel but Sam… Wow. It suddenly made so much sense why the youngest Winchester had been singled out as Lucifer's most desirable vessel. He wondered absently if Dean, being Michael's first-chosen vessel, would feel as strong as this.
"No! No! Cas!" His attention turned to Nia, who was scrambling to get to her feet just a few feet away, her face panicked as the lights of the door flashed brightly for one last second then disappeared entirely. "Nooooo!" she wailed, falling again to her knees.
"Nia."
Sam's voice sounded strange being operated by his will; deeper and throatier. Nia ignored him completely, her horrified face staring at the empty air where the door had been.
"Nia," he repeated more loudly. "Nia, it's me. It's Cas."
That got her attention. She swung her head upwards, mouth wide as she stared at him in Sam's body. He felt a rush of warmth inside at the sight of her and managed a smile. "It's me. I'm here. Sam gave me permission…"
Just like that she was on him, launching herself into the air to wrap her arms around his neck, her cheek pressed tightly against his. Instinctively, he closed his grip around her waist as she clung to him.
"You're back," she whispered into his ear. "You're safe."
He managed a nod despite her tight hold on him. "Yes. Thanks to Sam's quick thinking, I was able to use his body as a conduit between the planes and circumvent the metaphysical power that was somehow block…"
He trailed off as she pulled back to press her forehead against his, her amber eyes glistening with unshed tears. He saw her lips curl up into a smile before they met his, pressing softly and tentatively at first then growing in confidence as he returned the kiss. They did not 'use tongue' as Dean would put it, but the intimacy of it ignited all the same feelings of love and want that Cas had spent the past four months obsessing over. Nia's knees and thighs were pressing against his hips, holding herself up, and she ran one hand through his hair while tilting her head to deepen the kiss.
Cas ignored the voiced protestations from within for as long as he could before pulling apart with a chuckle. "Uh, Nia," he told her sheepishly. "We are making Sam very uncomfortable."
She gasped with obvious realization. "Oh." Her knees let go instantly and she slipped to the ground, taking a quick step back. "He's… uh…"
Cas nodded. "Yes, he is awake in here." He mumbled an inward apology to the hunter who gave him the silent version of an indignant huff.
She glanced back at Jimmy. "He wasn't though, right?"
Cas smiled at the memory of the intimate physical encounter he had shared with Nia on the eve of her departure from Purgatory, knowing she was seeking confirmation they had been alone for that. "No, at the time he wasn't," he assured her before turning his attention towards his former vessel. "Jimmy, are you alright?"
Jimmy shook his head, his eyes frightened... no, haunted was a more accurate description. "What happens now?" he croaked.
Cas sighed. He had taken so much from Jimmy Novak and after all the loyal vessel had suffered, he couldn't ask any more of him. Especially now that he had brought him home and opened his pathway to Heaven. Now when Jimmy died, his soul would be sure to find its final resting placed in the gardens of God.
But Cas could not possess Sam for long. Dean, especially, would not permit that. As much as the hunter would be pleased to have Cas back, he would not sacrifice his time with his little brother for their friendship. There was one finite limit to Dean's loyalty and that was Sam.
"I shall find a new vessel."
"What about me?" Jimmy whimpered.
"You can live the rest of your life in peace. I will ask no more of you. You have given enough."
"Peace?" The man was trembling visibly, his breathing fast and shallow. "How can I find any peace? You need to make them stop, Castiel!"
"Who's them?" Nia asked using the tone Cas had come to recognize as her distrustful one. It surprised him how quickly she could see the body that she had spent almost a year with as a complete stranger so quickly. Humans were usually far more visually guided - and sentimental. Then again, Nia was no ordinary human as far as the angel was concerned.
"Leviathan!" Jimmy squeaked, looking around wildly. "They're here."
Nia had a knife in her hand in a flash, tensing her body in a defensive stance.
"Leviathan?" Sam demanded from within him. "Did they get through?"
Cas shook his head, holding his hand out to Nia in a calming gesture. "No. There are no Leviathan here. Jimmy spent many months trapped inside his body with the Leviathan I brought through last year. His soul is damaged. Much like Sam's was. He sees things and feels things that aren't real."
He needed to fix Jimmy. He flexed his hand, feeling for his celestial power. It should be strong now that he was no longer shut away from his connection to Heaven and especially since he was in the perfect vessel but... He frowned. It wasn't. He was still weak. He could summon no healing powers, no 'travel' powers, no powers of any real significance. He felt stronger than he had in Purgatory, but not by much. There was something wrong with him but also... something wrong with Sam.
"Perhaps they will come back to me in time," he hoped out loud.
"Castiel." Jimmy's voice was pleading. "Take me back."
"Back to Purg?" Nia hissed incredulously.
"Back as your vessel. I need you back."
"You do not want that, Jimmy. You are home now. You are safe."
"No, I want you back in me. I need you."
Sam chuckled silently at Jimmy's choice of words.
'I'm glad you find this so amusing,' Cas scolded him inwardly.
Oblivious, Jimmy kept arguing his case. "Now that you're here, you can make it all stop."
Cas tightened his mouth and cocked his head sideways in thought. Could he return Jimmy to the oblivion he sought if he returned to him? He might be able to. He might have just enough renewed power for that small task.
"But you are alive again, Jimmy," he argued, feeling guilty for even contemplating it. "Your body is healed. You can live your life as you should have before I came along."
"I don't want to be alive again," was Jimmy's somber answer. "I lived my life. I died. I've made peace with that. If you can turn me off inside you, then that's what I want. Eventually, you'll get me to heaven to wait for Claire and Amelia. I trust you to do that. Until then..." his blue eyes flickered towards Nia. "Until then, you can live too. I've seen your thoughts, remember? I know how you feel, what you want. You should have that. For a time."
Jimmy was speaking coherently and certainly seemed sincere but it was Sam's encouragement that made the decision for Cas.
"You can't stay in here forever," the hunter pointed out. "Definitely no more make-out sessions with Nia. I mean, Jimmy wants this. He's already had his life torn apart. You get another vessel and you'll just be tearing someone else's life apart. Nia needs you here. Dean needs you here. I need you here. The shit that's going on right now... trust me we all need you. Take the offer."
"Very well. Nia, close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you."
She nodded and obeyed immediately. Cas drew himself together for the third time in ten minutes to pull out of Sam and into Jimmy. Sam sank to his knees gasping just as Jimmy stood up with Cas taking the helm.
"Okay," he said to Nia. "You can open your eyes."
Her face split into that wonderful smile Cas had missed so much and she rushed to throw her arms around him once more. She rose to her tiptoes to plant a kiss on his cheek before looking back over her shoulder with an impudent grin. "Much better," she said loudly. "Coz Sam's way too tall."
~X~X~X~X~