Chapter 12: A Wild Sue Appears! She Uses Purple Prose! It's Super Effective!

While Yugi and company watched from the bookstore window, Kiaba dashed across the street, zigging and zagging to avoid weapons' fire from both directions, and finally disappeared into the besieged bakery.

"He made it!" Joey cheered and clapped Seto on the shoulder. "You should be proud of the guy."

"A lucky moron is still a moron." Seto turned his back on the window and pinned Yami with a scowl. "What now?"

"Why are you asking him?" Yugi demanded. Sure, Yami was the heavy-hitter of the group, but, "I'm the one who comes up with the plans!"

"How's that working out for you?" Ryouchan asked.

"Watch it," Yami growled. "That's my partner you're insulting."

Ryouchan flipped him the bird. Somehow, he still managed to look improbably angelic.

"Hey, there's somebody else out there!" Joey exclaimed, pointing at the street, where two teenaged girls had just strolled into view. "Two somebodies, even."

Yugi ran for the door. Sticking his head through the opening while simultaneously exposing as little of his body to potential gunfire as possible, he yelled, "It's not safe out there! Get off the street!"

One of the girls, the more glittery of the two, beamed at them. The other, dressed like an escapee from Hot Topic, yawned. The glittery girl grabbed her somber friend by the elbow and tugged her toward the bookstore.

For some reason, Yami's personal threat level shot up to Def-con Fangirl. His paranoia was justified when, immediately upon entering the bookstore, the sparkly girl engulfed Yugi in a full-body, Velcro koala hug.

"Oh my god!" she squealed. "You're even cuter in person!"

Reaching out, Yami peeled the girl off Yugi and interposed his own body between them. "I don't believe we've been introduced," he said, in a tone that heavily implied she should keep her everything to herself.

"I'm Princessa Angelica Glitterati Unicornia Hikari. I'm seventeen and my hair is naturally this color-" She fluffed her multi-colored tresses. "-and my eyes change color depending on my mood, and I'm half-unicorn. Also, I have cat ears."

Her companion turned incredulous eyes on her. "What? Since when?"

"Since now. It's cute."

Sure enough, now that he looked more closely, Yami could see a pair of fluffy pink cat ears poking up through the girl's ridiculously poofy hair. The effect was less "cute" and more "hackles-raising."

"Wait," Joey said. "Why would a half-unicorn have cat ears?"

"I used to be a three-quarters-mermaid, but I stopped because unicorn catgirls are cuter."

The silence which followed this pronouncement hovered there with its metaphorical eyes glued to the ceiling, trying to pretend it hadn't heard a thing and didn't speak English anyway, so why were they all looking at it like that, jeez?

Finally, Seto said, "There is so much wrong with that sentence."

"You get used to her." The other girl rolled her eyes, and then stuck out her hand for Yugi to shake. (Still stunned by Princessa, he did so on automatic pilot.) "I'm Rio Heliotrope E'bony Star Pegasus."

"We're identical twin sisters!" Princessa chirped.

More silence descended, as everyone looked between the two girls. Princessa was short and curvy, with an olive complexion, rainbow colored hair, and indeterminate eye color. Everything she was wearing glittered. And, let's not forget, she had pink cat ears.

Rio, on the other hand, was tall, thin, and as pale as a snow sculpture of an albino flamingo. Her white skin stood out starkly against her black attire. Her one concession to color was dark purple, heavily applied as eyeshadow and nail polish. Her one redeeming quality (appearance-wise) was, in Yami's opinion, that at least all her visible body parts seemed to be human.

"You're identical twin sisters," Yugi said, in the slow manner of a man testing out the words as they passed his lips.

"Yep!"

"You're identical twin sisters who look nothing alike."

"Yes."

"You're identical twin sisters who look nothing alike and have different last names."

"We have different fathers," Princessa said placidly. "And we're actually identical triplets. Our other sister isn't here. And, anyway, she likes to pretend she's an orphan."

"I think we should all back away slowly and try not to make eye contact," Tristan said, suiting actions to words.

"No! You can't leave," Princessa said, stomping her foot. "You have to stay here and fall in love with me."

"What, all of us?" Joey's eyes bugged. "Have you been eatin' the 'special' brownies?" Then his eyes unfocused as the thought of tasty chocolate goodness derailed his freak-out. "Mmm. Brownies..."

Tristan smacked him. "Focus!"

"I am! I'm focused on brownies!"

Yami narrowed his eyes at the girls. "What makes you think any of us are even attracted to you, much less going to fall in love with someone we've known less than five seconds?"

"Because that's what always happens, duh." Princessa pointed at her sister. "Show them!"

Smirking, Rio sidled up to Seto. "You're in love with me."

Seto snorted. "You're delusional."

With a put-upon sigh, she pulled out a tiny, gold-colored derringer and fired it, point-blank, at Seto. Instead of a bullet, a cloud of purple glitter exploded from the gun and engulfed the startled CEO. He immediately softened his stance, leaning toward Rio and giving her a big, goofy grin.

"There! Now, you're in love with me." She patted him on the chest. "Good boy. Now prove your wonton desire for me-"

("'Wonton?'" whispered Ryou.

"Maybe she thinks he's soup-sexual," Tristan whispered back.)

"-by buying me a new car," Rio continued, shooting the two whisperers a dirty look. For his part, Seto continued to smile dopily and didn't appear to notice anything but her.

"Okay."

"A really expensive new car."

"Okay."

"No, make that two really expensive new cars. With shiny purple paint jobs and solid gold rims."

"Okay."

Everyone watched this exchange with varying degrees of horror.

"So, how exactly did ya magic roofie him, anyway?" Joey demanded. "Seto Kaiba ain't never been that agreeable." A thought occurred to him. "Is this somethin' anybody can learn? 'Cause if it works without, y'know, the bad touch thing you got happenin' there, it could come in handy-"

"Bad Joey! We don't brainwash our friends," Yugi scolded. He snapped his fingers in front of Seto's (...well, he was aiming for Seto's nose, but let's be real; even stretching, Yugi's not reaching that high without a step-stool. So, let's say his...) clavicle. "Seto? Can you hear me?"

"Okay."

"Ignore them, koi," Rio said, running her hand over Seto's chest. "We're going to be very happy together. Especially after you throw Mokuba out of the mansion."

"Oh-" A tiny glimmer of awareness flickered in Seto's dazed eyes. "-kay...?"

"You can't do that!" Yugi objected.

"Of course I can," Rio said. "I need all of my koi's attention, I can't have him wasting his time on a bratty minor character. Right, darling?"

"Buh-"

"Hush, koi." Rio gave him another absent pat. "It's for the best. You'll see."

"Um."

"And, since you won't be doing something as boring as dueling anymore, I want you to get rid of all of your silly little dragon cards."

"Oh-" Seto ripped himself away from her roving hands, snarling out, "Oh, hell no!" and heading for the store entrance, trailing bits of glitter as he stomped away. "Screw this! I don't care if I get shot."

"If you're goin' to the bakery, have them send over some brownies!" Joey called after him. "Or cupcakes! I'm too hungry to be picky!"

Seto made a rude gesture, shoved the door open so hard it slammed into the wall behind it, and sprinted out into the street.

The others, except for the two girls, plastered themselves against the display window. (Well, the girls and Yugi. He hopped irritably up and down, in a mostly futile effort to peer over the shoulders of his taller companions.)

"Did he make it?" he demanded, a bit breathless from all the jumping.

"Yeah." Tristan leaned against the wall beside the window, a contemplative expression settling over his face. "You know, whoever's firing that gun, they're not a very good shot. Kiaba's the only person who's actually been hit, and that was by Emo. And why hasn't anyone called the cops?"

"Earth logic doesn't apply to their kind," Dupli-Yami whispered, pointing surreptitiously at the girls. "And I suspect the other shooter is one of them, too."

"What are you talking about?"

"In all the darkest haunts of the multiverse, there is no more dreaded creation than the Mary Sue, a pariah even among the denizens of the bad-fic," Dupli-Yami intoned in the Voice of Doom ™. (Usually only heard right before the owner of said Voice delivered a crushing blow in a card duel, possibly involving the words "Exodia" and "obliterate.")

Beside him, Ryouchan nodded solemnly. "They're like the black holes of prose. They have the power to warp the narrative around themselves, sucking all light and enjoyment out of a story."

Everyone peered at the girls. Rio was picking at her nail polish and looking bored, while her sister simultaneously berated her and texted furiously on a cell phone. Neither of them looked particularly dangerous.

"Are you sure about that?" Yugi asked, brow scrunched into a skeptical furrow. "They don't look like evil incarnate..."

"True evil never does."

"I don't really like the term 'evil.' I prefer...'ethically unfettered,'" said a new voice from the direction of the store entrance.

"Sis!" Princessa ran to greet the newcomer with a hug. "You got my text!"

"What do you want? I was busy," the newcomer grumbled, shoving her sister away so she could fold her arms and look dour.

Princessa pouted. "That was you shooting at everyone and making a fuss, wasn't it? I knew it!"

"So did I," Rio said, rolling her eyes. "You're a lousy shot, by the way."

"Your face is lousy!"

"You're just jealous because I'm hotter than you."

"Bitch, please. On a hotness scale, I'm the sun and you're a microwave on the 'popcorn' setting."

"I'm not a bitch, I'm just honest."

"Oh, you think you're so perfect, don't you? You think you're always right!"

"You know..." Rio looked thoughtful. "I used to hate perfect people who're always right, until I found out self-loathing was bad."

"You-!"

"Gawd, you're both so rude." Princessa stepped between them. "Umeta hasn't even introduced herself!"

"Fine!" Rio and Umeta chorused. Rio stepped back with an exaggerated bow. "The floor's yours, Sis."

Drawing the eye of everyone present, even the bystanders lurking between the rows of bookshelves, Umeta struck a pose. Now that he was looking, Yugi noticed that her outfit was a warped copy of Yami's standard dueling costume: tight leather pants, a fitted muscle shirt, school uniform jacket flaring from her shoulders like a cape, and high-heeled boots.

But where Yami favored black and navy blue, Umeta's clothes were in shades of amythest and gold, and glittered faintly in the light. Luxurious locks of red and black hair fell to her waist, golden bangs tumbled about her heart-shaped face, and thick black lashes framed her wide, crimson eyes. A tiny version of Slifer the Sky Dragon curled around her neck like a scaly scarf. An equally miniature Winged Dragon of Ra was barely visible curled up on top of her head, its body nearly lost among the tangle of her hair. A diminutive Obelisk the Tormentor peeked out of her open handbag like the world's weirdest purse-dog.

"I am Pharaohess Umeta Anthrax Moonglow Ohmyrah Sennen!" she announced proudly. She frowned when the only response was the faint sound of distant crickets and, closer to, the shuffling of feet as the bystanders lost interest and went back to browsing the books. "Did I mention that I'm Yami's long-lost twin sister, wielder of the Millennium Tiara, and Pharaohess of all Egypt, most of Poughkeepsie, and parts of Des Moines?"

Tristan clutched at his head. "I think my brain is trying to escape by crawling out my ears."

"I don't have any siblings," Yami muttered to himself as he tried to make sense of that introduction. "Much less a twin. And even if I did, they'd be dead, because they would've been born five thousand years ago. Or three thousand." (Multiple canons were difficult enough to deal with without fanon alternate universes entering into it.) He shook his head. "Whatever. I'm only here because I was trapped in the Puzzle until Yugi solved it."

"I was trapped in an Item, too!" Umeta declared brightly.

"There are only seven Millennium Items," Ryou said firmly. "Believe me, I'd know if there were more."

Damn skippy, slurred a tipsy-sounding voice that only Ryou could hear. You tell 'em, landlord.

"Then how come Umeta has the Millennium Tiara, Rio has the Millennium Derringer, and I have the Millennium Compact?" Princessa asked, arching her carefully plucked eyebrows. She waved the Item in question, a cheap looking mirrored compact that seemed to have been spraypainted gold. There was an Eye of Horus sticker plastered on one side. "That makes ten Millennium Items, not seven. Looks like you can't count, albino boy."

"Albino-?" Ryou sputtered. "I'm a blond!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" sang Ryouchan, and then tried to pretend he hadn't. (Whatever. He liked to watch silly 80s movies, okay? It gave him something to do while he was recovering from starring in various bad-fics.) "Um. Has anyone else noticed that the shooting has stopped?"

"Duh," sneered Umeta. "I was the one doing the shooting. If I'm in here with you, obviously I'm not out there shooting at that little brat across the street."

"Exactly why were you shooting at Emo-Yugi, anyway?" asked Yugi.

Umeta immediately began to look shifty. Rio narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, Sis. What was that all about?"

"Wait a minute," interjected Joey. "Why are ya callin' her 'sis'? I thought she said she was supposed to be Yami's twin sister?"

"Oh, she's our other sister," Princessa said, sounding bored with the whole conversation.

"Right. The third identical triplet. That should have been obvious, since none of you look anything alike or have related surnames. Naturally, one of you is not only my sister but also from ancient Egypt as well." Yami scrubbed both hands over his face. In a plaintive voice, he added, "When did reality take the last train to Clarksville and why didn't anyone warn me?"

"I think Shadi did warn us. Sort of. In his usual cryptic and vague Shadi way," Yugi said. Shadi could have just said someone was monkeying around with reality, but nooooo. That was too straight forward and helpful. There was probably a regulation against being helpful in the Union of Mysterious Spirit Dudes Handbook. And, speaking of Shadi... "We should call him."

"Who?"

"Shadi. He was pretty vague about..." Yugi side-eyed the "triplets." It occurred to him that it might be for the best if they were kept out of the whole "stop the bad-fic from destroying the multiverse" loop. "...the thing. That we need to accomplish... the other thing. All we know is that we need to gather all the... things. He didn't really tell us what we needed to do once we had them all in one place."

"Probably a thing," snarked Ryouchan.

"Lemme make sure I got this straight," Joey said, holding up his hand and ticking off points on his fingers. "We need all the things to get the thing in order to do the thing. That right?"

"I thing, er, think so."

Princessa snickered. "It sounds like sports!"

Everyone, even her sisters, gave her the "huh?" look. She huffed. "You know, throw the thing, catch the thing, run with the thing, tackle the guy with the thing... Sports!"

"If I were tackling the guy with the thing, sports would be the last thing on my mind," Rio said, smirking. (And, on that disturbing note...)

"...Yeah, whatever." Yugi had bigger fish to fry than Rio's questionable innuendo. "Does anyone have a working phone?"

"Well, I do," Princessa said, tossing her hair and looking put upon. "But you're being mean to me, so I don't see why I should let you use it, no matter how cute you are."

"Here," Ryouchan said, thrusting a cell phone into Yugi's hand. "If calling Shadi will speed things along, then, by all means, call him. And then maybe we can all get the Mame out of here." (And he could go home and re-watch "Earth Girls Are Easy.")

"Dude, I have to ask," Tristan said. "What's up with the not-really-curse words?"

Ryouchan grimaced. "That's just the way they come out."

"You mean, you're literally too nice to curse?"

"Cats no! I'm not nice." The way he said the word made it sound like the worst attribute a person could have. "I'm just written that way."

Meanwhile, Yugi was dialing like his sanity depended on it. Unfortunately, when the call connected, it didn't connect with Shadi.

"Hello," Shadi's recorded voice said. "You have reached the phone of Shadi. I am not available at this time to take your very important call, as I am on a much needed and well deserved vacation. Please leave your name, the name of the Millennium Item in your possession, and a brief message detailing your current crisis after the beep. I will give it all due consideration upon my return home. BEEP!" (And then, because Shadi was no fool, the call immediately disconnected. He was on vacation, damn it, and refused to deal with any of the Item holders or their drama until the cruise ship made it back to port in Domino Bay.)

"Crap," Yugi cursed and dialed again. This time, he got a different message.

"Welcome to Dial-a-Shadi. To hear this message in English, press 'one,' now. To hear this message in Ancient Egyptian-"

He ended the call and thrust the phone back into its owner's hand before he could give in to the temptation to fling the phone at the nearest wall.

"No Shadi?"

"No Shadi." Yugi huffed out a sigh. "We'll try again, later. In the meantime..."

"Plan B?" guessed Joey.

"I think we're on, like, Plan D by now," Tristan said. "But if that doesn't work out, the alphabet has twenty-two more letters, so keep calm."

"Cut me some slack. It's been a long day."

"Dude, pretty sure it's still morning."

"Not from where I'm standing," Yami interjected. From his perspective, this day had been about six weeks long already and it wasn't even half over. He sighed. "So, we need a new plan."

"Did we actually have an old plan?"

"Shut up," Yugi said. "Planning now."

"If planning was a food, it'd be cupcakes."

"I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, if you don't stop talking about food-"

"You're the one who just brought up airborne pasta!"

(Dear sweet Noodle Overlord... Anyway. While our main characters get this latest pointless argument out of their systems, let's check in with Grandpa Mutou, the Dark Magician, and little Prince Atem...)

-o0o-

At the Finny Friends Pet Shop...

"Sweetheart, the fish like being in their tanks. They don't really enjoy going for walks."

SPLASH!

Sigh. "Let's go look at the turtles..."

-o0o-

(Well, that's going... well.)

We now return to our heroes' plan, already in progress...

"Normally I love it when a plan comes together, but to be honest, I'm still leery of calling this a 'plan.'"

"It beats hanging out in there with the Weird Sisters. Also, it appears to be working."

"...Point."

"All right," Yami said, drawing himself up to his full height. "Let's do this."

After that dramatic pronouncement, it was somewhat anticlimactic that "this" was simply pulling open the door to the bakery and walking inside.

Steps one through three of Plan D had also been fairly uncomplicated: (1) tell the girls that they (the boys) were all going to the restroom, (2) duck out the back of the book store, sneak around the side of the building, and (3) dash like mad across the street. So far, it seemed to be going smoothly. (Which probably meant that no good could possibly come of it, but sometimes, you had no choice but to "work with what you got" (as Joey pointed out).)

Inside the bakery, several small tables provided patrons a place to sit and enjoy the offerings of the pastry counter. Kiaba, Seto, and Emo-Yugi were hunched over one such table, single-mindedly stuffing their faces with morsels plucked from the pile of baked goods in the center . They resembled vultures who had given up carrion for Lent and discovered the wonders of sugary dough, instead.

"Cupcakes!" Joey shouted joyfully and dove for the center of the table.

"Aibou!" Dupli-Yami shouted at the same time and in much the same tone, but aimed his dive for his partner. As he was tackled in an enthusiastic hug, Emo managed an upward twitch of his lips that, on someone less committed to being morose, might have been a smile.

"Aw," cooed Tristan in the most saccharine tone he could manage. "It's the Emo version of happily ever after."

"Whatever," Yami grumbled and flung himself into the nearest unoccupied chair. "Somebody pass me a damned cupcake."

.

So, I've apparently had this chapter written since last November. I just forgot about it. Oops? Also, I dropped my already decrepit laptop yesterday, and now the keyboard is being strange, so there may be some typos. In the folder where I found this chapter, I found the rough drafts of two more, so I'll update as soon as they're cleaned up and polished a bit.

Reader Contest: Spot the references to my other fanfic AUs! Leave a list of the specific lines in the comments. The reader with the most references will win a drabble OR a short chapter in the WIP of their choice.