Chapter 12
for grabadietcoke, 4eva
"If you don't have a plan for yourself, you'll be part of someone else's." – Old American Proverb
The next time I was with her, she breathed life back in me.
The Cotillion room at the River Oaks Country Club is actually a very beautiful space. When it's not filled with assholes.
My contempt for these people is at an all time high tonight, their voices grating, getting under my skin with their fake admiration and backhanded compliments. These people don't usually bother me, hell I've been groomed to become one. But tonight, the masks they wear are starting to slide and melt in my disdain.
Tanya leads me around the glass atrium set off of the ballroom where the silent auction items are displayed. She's in her element, hair neatly pinned on her head, champagne colored gown youthful yet elegant. She air kisses and grips hands in greeting, pulling me along and taking every opportunity to let these people know we're together.
The arm that she's not holding with her perfectly manicured hand is gripping a double scotch, no ice. My second. She hasn't said anything, but she is definitely eyeing me when I get my glass refilled a third time. If she's picked up on my sour mood she's not saying anything. She's also ignoring my lack of interest and one-word answers.
I'm trying to pay attention to what Tanya is saying as she speaks with some plastic surgeon and his wife, but my thoughts are on Bella. She left my apartment after making sure she got a glimpse of me in my tux. Whereas Tanya just about had to wipe the drool from her chin when I picked her up, Bella called me handsome, but didn't look at me with lust in her eyes the way she did in my ripped jeans and old t-shirt. I did get a bright smile out of her when I showed her the purple boxers and rubbed my unshaved face over her cheek.
She's out meeting some friends, some male friends she knew from Corpus Christi. A Tex-Mex band travelling through Houston. I tried to keep my cool when she told me she wasn't too concerned about figuring out her final destination, waving her hand in dismissal. Fighting to keep the casualness of our situation in mind, I did not tell her to stay or come back later in the evening. Not knowing where she is going to lay her head tonight is making the back of my neck itch. The scotch is not helping.
Too soon, the cocktail segment of the benefit comes to a close and we are ushered into dinner, which means sitting with my parents. Tanya is thrilled, as her Aunt and Uncle will be joining us, as well as one of the richer oil barons in the area and his wife.
As I'm staring at the crystal stemware and china plates lined in platinum, all bearing the club's crest, I feel a hand on my shoulder and rise to meet my mother. Kissing her on the cheek, she scolds me for not shaving. I pull her chair out for her, and turn to see my father walking towards us. He moves around the table, shaking and kissing hands, ever the politician and southern gentleman. When he gets to Tanya, he greets her warmly and says he's glad to see us enjoying each other's company. Tanya puts a hand on my arm and tells him she too, is glad we've been hitting it off.
I manage to get through my five hundred dollar main course without having to make much conversation, until the oil baron leans over Tanya on my right and asks me if I'd be following in my father's footsteps.
Scotch number four seems to answer, as I tell J.R. Ewing that I'd rather follow my father's footsteps into hell. He's not sure what to make of my statement, so he laughs and soon the whole table is politely laughing, including my father, no one but me noticing the icy glare that accompanies his forced amusement.
"Edward has always been a bit of a comedian." He makes excuses to the table. "He's always pushed the boundaries with his mother and I. Good thing he figures out the right thing to do eventually." He pointedly directs that last statement at me, and continues. "Edward has plans to follow me. His mother and I have greater hopes for him though, and if he plays the game, keeping the end goal in sight, he may just be able to convince people he should govern the great state of Texas."
"Oh you want to be governor?" The oil baron's wife speaks up, impressed.
"That's what my father wants for me. I'm not sure I inherited the necessary personality skills for politics." I drain my glass. If I could lick the bottom, I would.
"Such as?" She asks.
"Manipulation, for one." I laugh brightly, pretending to be that darned rascal again, fooling most at the table.
My father stares me down, lips pressed into a thin smile, and turns smoothly to the others. "Edward has always had a bit of a 'saving puppies' mentality to him, I blame that on his nanny." The men laugh. "He'll accomplish more once he's realized the best way to help people is to get them to do what you want. To 'manipulate', as Edward calls it, a situation for their own good. Sometimes it just takes a little push. Like dangling a carrot, if you will." More laughter from our companions.
I stare at my father, not quite sure what he's implying with the carrot bit, my eyes dark with unspoken rage. I raise my glass to him. "I'm fortunate to have the opportunity to learn these skills from the very best."
Tanya picks up on the tension and leans over, discreetly whispering if I'm all right, placing her hand on my arm. I mumble a short 'fine' to her and realizing everyone is watching, sit up straighter and put my hand on top of hers, in apology. She gives me a small smile and turns to oil-wife-lady when she's addressed, hopefully taking attention away from my father's and my showdown.
"How long have you and Edward been seeing each other? You make such a stunning young couple."
I stop myself from glaring at the woman and practically laugh when Tanya leans into my side adoringly and answers. "Well we've just started dating, we had a fabulous dinner at Mon Marche last week and ended up in the cutest little martini bar afterwards. Wasn't that a great night Edward?"
"Yes, your good friend Riley really knows how to mix a drink." I feel Tanya's arm tighten and the smile on her face slips the tiniest bit.
"Yes, he does." She says to me before turning back to the others. "I think we'd both like to continue what we've started here, am I right?" Tanya looks up to me, challenging.
Her aunt, who questions her about how she might know a bartender, saves me from having to answer. While Tanya's explaining and downgrading the 'friendship', I notice her hand go up to her neck, searching for the gold shamrock but coming up with a handful of pearls. Champagne this time, matching her dress.
As I'm watching Tanya lie to her aunt, my mother chimes in, knowing exactly what she's doing. "Hopefully Tanya will be joining us at our little vacation spot later this summer, for Edward's birthday." The little vacation spot is a two hundred acre cattle ranch.
"I'm not sure Edward mentioned when his birthday was. Probably trying to keep me from doing anything crazy." Tanya says, putting her hand on my knee. "I'd love to join you of course."
They start talking about the ranch and I signal the waiter over for another drink.
"Son, don't you think you've had enough?" My father says lowly, so no one else will be alerted to our conversation.
"There are some things you can't control father, my drinking this scotch is one of them." The waiter puts my drink down and Tanya snatches it up.
"Oh thank you Edward, so thoughtful." She takes a sip and puts the glass down on the side of her plate, furthest away from me.
"Of course." I stand up, placing my napkin on the chair behind me. "Ladies, if you'll excuse me…"
"Where are you going?" Tanya asks, teeth clenched in a smile.
"I feel the need for some breathing room. The air in here has gotten quite oppressive." With that, I make my way out of the ballroom and through the atrium, exiting the glass doors to step out onto the oversized patio overlooking the golf course.
There are several people outside, some smoking, some sitting near a very controlled fire pit set up amongst some plush couches and chairs. I make my way to the sidewall, stopping at the outdoor bar to replace my hijacked scotch.
Once seated, I breathe the cool night air in, expanding my lungs and trying to lose the crushing feeling inside. I knew tonight was going to be painful, but I never imagined that most of the awkwardness would be my own doing. I can usually be counted on for being charming and agreeable.
I take a healthy mouthful of scotch, swishing it inside my mouth for a moment until I see Tanya making her way to me. I swallow the bitter liquid, fire shooting down my throat and settling in my stomach.
"May I sit with you?"
"Certainly." I get up to grab a cushion off an unoccupied chair and place it on the wall next to me.
"Thank you." Tanya sits and looks out over the golf course, seemingly not about to say anything.
"What is it you want, Tanya?"
She hesitates before speaking, her voice low and trying to not call attention. "I'm confused by your behavior tonight Edward. You asked me to come with you to this event, and I feel like I've been carrying the evening myself."
"I hate these things."
"I realize that, but you still asked me to accompany you and you've barely said a word to me all evening. And then when you do speak, you're extremely rude to your father, and it was quite noticeable."
I take another sip and swirl the liquid in the glass. Sure she's waiting for an answer but unable to come up with one. She's looking at me, waiting.
"Tanya, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"If you're in love with that bartender, why are you even bothering with me?"
Tanya startles at my question, then huffs and looks away from me. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh please. You practically sat in my lap the other night when he came around to say hello to you."
"He's an acquaintance. I've been going there for four or five weeks now. He's the bartender, I'm a customer, that's it."
"Does he know that?"
"What are you talking about?" She says indignantly.
"It was pretty obvious to me that he was a bit unhappy to see you with me. Especially to see you pawing me."
Her shoulders relax and she laughs slightly. "I wasn't pawing you."
We both fall silent, listening to the murmur of conversation around us. I finish my scotch and put my glass down, not getting another.
"This isn't going to happen between us, is it Edward?"
"I don't know."
"Is there someone else?" She asks, fingers fiddling with a bit of beading on her gown.
"No. Not really." Images of Bella dancing with a group of sweaty, possibly ridiculously good looking musicians pops into my head and I want to call her.
"Can I ask why then? We seem to get along pretty well, our families like each other. We both want the same things."
"I don't know what I want anymore Tanya. I just know that I'm starting to figure it out, and until I do, I can't promise anyone anything."
"I could wait for you." She says it meekly, and it angers me.
"Why would you do that? I'm sitting here telling you I don't know if I want you, when there's a guy at a bar right now just hoping you'll stop in so he can see you."
She sucks in a sudden breath of air and exhales. "It's not that easy. You know how I was raised Edward, what's expected of me, better than anyone. I can't date a bartender." She sighs, resigned and shakes her head, looking away.
"Well then go sleep with him and get it out of your system." I joke.
She turns to me slyly, "Who says I haven't?"
This makes me laugh out loud, but I quickly recover, continuing. "We're both fucked up Tanya."
"Yeah, I guess we are."
"I'm guessing he gave you that gold necklace you wear?"
Her fingers automatically fly to her throat, coming away disappointed again.
"Yes, for my birthday."
"He seems like a nice guy." I pause. "Have you ever thought of saying fuck it and just doing what you want?"
"Everyone's thought of doing that at some point. I just know what's right for me."
"But are you sure? How do you know you're not giving up a lifetime of happiness and love and, I don't know, spontaneity only to fall into some mold you think you should fit into? What makes you want to settle for a lifetime as a plastic wife with someone like me when you could have it all?"
"You seem to be settling. It's obvious you don't like your father or his plan for you, but you're following along."
"It's complicated."
"Why is it complicated for you but not for me? You don't think my parents have expectations for me too? You think I can just do what I want without being told I've let them down?" Tanya realizes her voice is rising and calms down.
I can see when her mask slips back into place. "I want this life Edward. I want to belong to a country club and meet the ladies for lunch. I want to stand beside a powerful man who has the world by the balls and I want to send my children to the most prestigious schools. I can't do that with a bartender."
Her speech saddens me, and I can't help but picture myself as the man she's standing next to. I think it's that moment that makes me realize I'm thrashing like a drowning man.
I look at Tanya, and I feel pity for both of us. "I hope you get what you want Tanya, I really do."
I try to salvage the evening by becoming the perfect attentive date. I stop downing the scotch, avoid my father, and twirl her about the dance floor. We end up having some fun and the benefit ends on a high note when they announce I've won the auction for the Four Seasons vacation vouchers with first class air travel.
Pulling up to the Prescott's, I help Tanya exit my car, and I turn to walk her to the front entrance. She stops me, putting her hand on my arm and thanks me for an interesting evening.
I chuckle, and she mentions the birthday get away. "I know you're indecisive at the moment Edward. But if you decide that you would like to see me again, I'd be open to it. For some reason, I enjoy your company."
"I can honestly say that I enjoy yours too. And you'll be the first to know."
With that, she kisses me on the cheek and I watch her get safely inside. I turn back towards my car and stand a moment, not getting in. Going back to my empty apartment is unappealing but I really don't have anywhere else to go. I do have to work in the morning. I know I'm just trying to talk myself out of finding Bella, and it works. I get in my car and head off towards home. I find myself checking the maintenance parking lot after I've pulled into the garage, part of me hoping and the other knowing I shouldn't.
When I see the space she occupied is empty, I tell myself that I'm not disappointed.
I lift my phone several times as I lay in sheets that smell of her, tempted to call or text, but finding myself unable to do either. She hasn't contacted me to let me know where she's set up for the night, and I remind myself that this is who she is, and she's made it this far without having someone check on her.
I'm restless and lying in this bed is not helping. Wandering around my apartment aimlessly, I realize the pattern I've worn into the floor has contained itself to an unlikely side of the loft. An area that I'm used to avoiding, I find myself hovering over the dark shape in the corner. I stand with my arms crossed for a while, until the sound of a car with the bass pumping passes outside the window. In a moment of haste, I've thrown the blanket off the guitar, the streetlight dancing over the strings that I'm sure are out of tune.
I stare at the foreign object, willing myself to cover it once again, but instead I see my own hand reaching out and tracing the graceful neck carefully. With tentative fingers, I grasp the instrument and cradle it gently, like it's the most fragile object in the world. I realize I've stopped breathing and force myself to take a step back, still holding the guitar with nimble fingers. I blow a bit of dust off, feeling sick at how I've treated my old friend.
Disgusted with myself, I put it back in its spot and cover it unceremoniously.
I immerse myself with work for the next few days, too busy to give much thought to what's going on in my life. I talk to Emmett one day at lunch and he seems to be pretty chipper, he and Rose deciding on a small wedding before the baby is born and then a big affair once he or she has arrived. I hold my tongue and go along with the conversation, keeping my thoughts of this being rushed to myself.
We make vague plans to meet for dinner, including Rose, and he asks if I'll bring Bella. I don't come out and say that I haven't seen or heard from her, I just tell him I'll check and see what she might be up to whatever night we decide upon.
It's irrational for me to be angry that she hasn't contacted me, as I haven't picked up the phone either. In my warped mind, I feel she should be the one to reach out based solely on the fact that she has a general idea of when she's leaving. She knows if she stays somewhere for weeks or months. She has a frame of reference I don't have.
On Wednesday afternoon, at 3:43, my phone chimes that I have a text. Opening the message, I see Bella standing on the courthouse steps, standing next to a police officer and holding a sign that reads 'I need a good lawyer. Know any?' The cop seems to be playing along, holding a pair of handcuffs to her wrist like he's about to arrest her. I marvel at the fact that she got him to do this, and tell Jessica that I'm going for some coffee.
Walking outside I see Bella lounging on the steps, face up to the sun, eyes closed. She looks like a sinful flower child. Hair wild, part up, part down, little white flowers throughout. Her dress is short and tie dyed, feet bare of course.
I notice a few people looking at her strangely as they enter and since I'm walking directly towards her, looking at me questioningly as well. It's one thing when I'm in her territory, another all together when she's in mine. I tamp down my fleeting thoughts of embarrassment. She doesn't fit here, but you'd never be able to convince her of that.
I block her sun and she looks up, shielding her face and smiling brightly. "Hey you!"
"Hey yourself. What are you doing here?"
"I came to rescue you from this slave ship." She gets up and immediately throws her arms around me. Forgetting in an instant that I felt strange with her in my setting, I enclose her in a tight hug and put my face to her hair.
I feel like a fish might when being plunged back into water after being in the air for the longest seconds of its life.
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From the planetblue Archive of Awesome Fic List:
(there are actually two this week, Counterpoint is the EPOV to AA5, and I find it edges out AA5 slightly in my heart. I'm a sucker for EPOV)
Art After 5 by sleepyvalentina
Bella Swan had life figured out until she met sixteen-year-old Edward Cullen. A few months and an intense emotional connection later, she finds herself on a journey toward self acceptance while questioning everything she'd previously accepted as true.
Counterpoint by sleepyvalentina
Socially isolated and intellectually brilliant, sixteen-year-old Edward Cullen has never found a person outside of his family with whom he could connect, until a chance encounter changed everything. Part of the Art After 5 universe.
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