Why was this so difficult to actually see? Why was she acting so irrational? There was no true reasoning behind it, and what excuse there was, was illogical and…human. She wasn't one to act like that, it went against everything she was taught, every fiber of her very being screamed out in protest as knees hit the ground in front of her. Dyed blonde hair cascaded across her face as she stared at the bold L carved into the tombstone before her.
Why did she hurt so badly? Why was her heart seizing up as if it would tear itself apart by the very atoms so she could be left to suffer at it's destructive wake? Shivering, silver looked down to her palms to note of the salty water that had begun to collect from the tears of her eyes. When did this all start, when had she fallen into the very thing she feared the most?
She loved him, and he was gone now.
Thinking back on it, her desire for the anorexic man began at the Pastry Shoppe. That amusement she gained from him walking on top of tables and stools alike as if the floor was lava itself, he had plopped in front of her after she had initiated the challenge through a gaze alone. They had connected then, the string between them thinner than a wire used to catch fish; but it had been then the young Crystal had subconsciously grew an attraction to the one known solely as L.
Part of her desired to simply ignore the oncoming memories as her mind worked on how exactly she had gotten to this point, but she couldn't, the stronger desire to know why had won out. Thus, she suffered in her own anxiety and sorrow as each memory pressed forward.
The fights, oh the nearly constant fights between them, she realized now that she was testing him. Could he handle her at her worst? And actually thinking on it, Crystal realized he was returning the favor with each backlash he gave. Another rush of absolute devastation washed over her, had he loved her as long as she had loved him?
Closing cursed hues, wet palms clenched together as her head bowed, making it appear that she was simply praying at his headstone.
Each day that had passed, each second together was another she would do anything to get back, just to have his presence near was calming. Why though? Why in Amarterasu's name was he needed for her to be calm? Was it because of his scent? Did he trigger calming chemicals within her system? Gulping down a lump in her throat, it finally came to her.
His presence was calming because he emitted a sense of protection, something that she had begun to tire in doing. He offered the truth, a sense of Justice, and made sure that anything done wrong was made instantly right. He was her guide as soon as they started the case together, a teacher of sorts, and in a cliche sort of way, her knight. Did that mean she was defenseless now? No..No she wouldn't become that.
But when did she fall in love?
The sudden headache rushed forward, she was low on her intake of calories again. Her stomach churned at the thought of food, making her grimace before opening her eyes to spot the blonde hair that covered her face now. Then again did it hit her with the force of a freight train.
She fell in love when he actually tricked her into dying her hair.
The absolute rage that encompassed her entire being covered the feeling of absolute joy her subconscious emitted. She was…happy he had dyed her hair? No, that wasn't it…
She was happy he finally won, he had won out because there was literally nothing else she could do to get back at him without causing physical harm. While that wasn't out of her morals to do so, to constantly bring harm was taxing on her by then. So ultimately, he had won out her heart without her actually realizing it.
Biting back tears, the memory of his face came back to her mind's eye, that kiss on the roof in the rain; it brought her warmth that she hadn't felt since before Otaka. He had..kissed her in return, so he had to of cared for her at least a bit right? Another wave of agony, and she was forced to mentally envision him in her arms as he closed his eyes for the final time. She had yelled, begging him to come back before ultimately sobbing her eyes out, whispering to him that she loved him.
And he could never say it back, not ever.
She wouldn't be able to find someone like him, there wasn't going to be another chance for her to fall like she had with him. Why? Because she would not allow it.
The hold this dead man had on her heart was to strong, it had shattered her so he could have all the pieces that had cut her apart. Lifting her head once again from its dropped position, having cried till her eyes were red and puffy, she looked up to the sky to note that it was sunset. Looking down to his tombstone once again, she reached out without the intention to actually touch the tombstone.
"…I love you…I wish…I wish I would've said it sooner.." With a new set of hot tears in her eyes, she stood and turned, walking away for perhaps the last time. "But maybe..I can say it to you..if there is truly an afterlife."