Author's Note: We're back to Jack's P.O.V. this time. He's still in Arizona, and he's having some issues. Thanks for your patience since I know it's been a while since I last updated. More angsty stuff is on the menu! I hope you enjoy.

What the Heart Wants

Jack awoke from what was arguably a very unpleasant dream on the morning of Day Four of the horseback riding tour. In the misty, pre-dawn darkness, he tried to clear his mind of the lingering visuals and attempted to strip his heart of the feelings evoked by the dream. To his frustration, Jack found the dream had left behind a very negative afterimage imprinted in his mind, and a bitter taste in his mouth.

He dreamt everyone in the camp was eating their usual evening meal when a lone rider galloped into their midst. Shrouded in a dark outfit, black cowboy hat and with a face swathed in what looked like several dark scarves, Jack tried to identify the interloper. Did he—or she—pose a threat to the group? Everyone seemed to be on alert, unsure of why this stranger had interrupted their dinner. Squinting at the newcomer, Jack concluded it was a woman by the slight build and graceful dismount. Then he noticed her eyes, which were a luminous blue. He realised with a start he knew those eyes.

"Lisa…?" he uttered in wonder, feeling a surge of hope that he might be able to speak to her and convince her to stay with him in Arizona; then maybe return with him to Hudson for good; no more jet-set vacations or business trips across the globe to France.

"Hello, Jack," the dream-Lisa replied airily, and breezed past him without giving him a second look.

Instantly hurt by this callous brush-off, Jack stared after her in disbelief as she approached Evan, the young man who'd ridden into camp the other night and proposed to Kristin Powell. Only Kristin was nowhere to be seen in this nocturnal vision, something Jack didn't even think to question at the time. Evan un-wrapped the layers of scarves to fully reveal Lisa's face and tossed aside the cowboy hat, letting Lisa's hair tumble down loosely about her shoulders.

The dream took another mocking, distasteful turn as Jack watched Evan and Lisa embrace and kiss like long-time lovers.

"What the heck is going on?!" Jack angrily demanded, suddenly standing next to the pair.

"I'm marrying Evan," Lisa informed him, as she stared dreamily into Evan's eyes.

"You're what?" Jack sputtered. "But… you don't even know him!" He could feel his temper reaching a critical point, and he balled his fists at being so helplessly out of the loop with what was happening in Lisa's life.

"Of course I know him," the dream version of Lisa said. "We're going to live together at my place in Toulon."

By this time, all of the campers were surrounding them and cheering. Someone threw a handful of rice, and rose petals began to drift down to the ground. Jack let his eyes linger on those petals, and not for a moment did he wonder where they had come from or why they were there.

When he looked up again, Lisa was dressed in an elaborate, lace-trimmed wedding gown; Evan was in a black tux. Paul Cunningham the trail boss was playing the role of the minister, readying to declare them husband and wife.

"If anyone has any objections…" he started to say, "…let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."

Jack instantly tried to raise his objection, but found his voice would not cooperate.

"Going once," Paul said dramatically, as if he'd suddenly morphed into an auctioneer.

Again, Jack tried to speak out that he didn't want this ceremony to proceed, but again no sound came from his mouth.

"Going twice," Paul warned, taking an ominous tone.

In sheer terror and desperation that he was about to lose Lisa to another man, Jack tore his hat from his head and tried to scream, yell, shout—anything to get Lisa's attention—that she was making a mistake. When those efforts failed, Jack strode towards the soon-to-be-married couple. Upon reaching the groom, he put a rough hand on his shoulder to spin him around.

To his complete surprise, it was no longer Evan, but Dan Hartfield.

"Going, going, gone!" Paul declared.

Dan sneered at Jack. "Too late, 'small potatoes'!"

Jack decked him.

The motion was so real it jolted Jack from his sleep; fist still clenched.

At breakfast, Jack maintained his distance from the rest of the campers, intuiting his foul mood meant he wouldn't be the greatest company to anybody. It was stupid, really, for a dream to have affected him so negatively. He was mostly annoyed at himself for allowing the dream to have him so down, but Jack couldn't help it. He could still hear Dan Hartfield's derisive "small potatoes" crack. More than anything else, that line made him livid. His one consolation was that he'd at least managed to punch his would-be rival, even if it had only been a dream version of the insufferable man.

All through the morning ride Jack was silently fuming over every wrong turn he'd taken in his failed relationship with Lisa. Meadows of ponderosa and pines along Bryce Plateau could have easily been rocks and sticks, so oblivious was Jack to his surroundings. The trail climbed up higher and higher, yet Blaze dutifully followed the rest of the pack with little encouragement from her sullen rider.

"You're awful quiet today, Jack."

Caught up in his thoughts, the sound of Paul's voice addressing him came like a bolt of lightning out of the blue.

"Huh?" Jack responded, startled, only half-hearing what Paul had said.

Paul grinned and chuckled. "I said: 'You're awful quiet today'. Something the matter?"

"No," Jack replied absently. "Nothing's wrong."

"Coulda fooled me," Paul said, but chose not to pry any further. Instead, he rode ahead to get closer to Zander and Susan, who appeared to be encountering a little difficulty with their horses.

At their lunch break, Jack once more sat apart from the rest of the group, leaning up against a narrow aspen tree trunk. From his vantage point, he could gaze upon the rest of the campers. His eyes sought and finally found Kristin and Evan. They were positively wrapped up in each other; the novelty of their very recent engagement had obviously not yet worn off.

He felt a twinge of envy he couldn't quite tamp down. Sourly, he remembered how in his dream Lisa had declared she was marrying Evan.

That was so absurd, thought Jack. And even more absurd when it turned out to be Dan in the end…

With a grunt, Jack took a sip of water from his canteen. It was all in his imagination, of course, but he felt he had to rinse the phantom bitterness from his mouth.

Stop thinking about it, already. It was only a stupid dream!

The views at this elevation were breathtaking, and Jack tried to coax himself into really taking some time to enjoy the scenery. Several in the party had eaten hastily so they could maximize their picture-taking opportunities. A camera was the one thing Jack hadn't brought; he always associated that too much with being a tourist. So he watched while the others exclaimed their "oohs" and "ahs", and as some of them posed in goofy stances for some future photo album.

Photo album? Jack wondered. No one prints photos anymore, do they? They put them into those digital photo-viewing thingamabobs… Like the one Lisa got for me of our trip to France.

Where is that annoying device now? Probably stuck in a drawer somewhere, thought Jack. Oh, well. At least he no longer had to keep pretending he liked it; nor did he have to make sure it was out in full view for whenever Lisa came over to visit…

Lisa's never coming over to visit again. Ever.

For the first time, Jack wondered what he would do with that picture viewer when next he came across it. Somehow, the thought of throwing it away caused him to experience feelings of remorse. He hated that thing; why the sudden attachment to it? Lisa had been so happy to have him with her in France, and that pleasure showed on her face in every one of those images. Her smile was so lovely. Maybe in time, I'll be able to get rid of it, decided Jack, but maybe not quite yet.

Stu, the second trail boss, was starting a make motions for the party to start riding on. They were heading into the descent phase of the day's ride now; when they reached the trucks at lower elevations, they'd be transported to their next campsite, which was along the banks of the Virgin River. The horses, of course, would be trailered.

For the first time, Jack admitted he was relieved to be transported by automobile as opposed to a four-legged animal, and looked forward to that ride when they got down to meet their drivers. His left knee was starting to bother him more than usual, and when he was sure no one was looking, he'd slipped one of his heart pills under his tongue. The brief attack of angina passed quickly, and Jack was soon mounting Blaze again to join the rest of the pack.

Perhaps it is a good thing Lisa's not with me, Jack mused, as he patted the prescription bottle in his jacket pocket. I wouldn't have been able to hide this from her. God only knows how she would have reacted. She would probably have insisted I go straight to some fancy hospital to get checked out with every test imaginable; have me sleeping in some "adjustable bed" with "memory foam". No thank you! I'll be just fine sleeping on my cot tonight…

But what had brought on the angina, he couldn't tell. I'm just tired, that's all, Jack reasoned, in a lame attempt at self-assessment. Four days of riding will do that to a person. And you've been crankier than usual today, thanks to that stupid dream. Dredged up things you'd rather leave in the past… So just take it easy and enjoy the ride back down from the plateau, okay? Think about something else; anything else.

He let his thoughts drift to Heartland, and how Tim might be coping with the running of things. He thought again of Lou—he certainly wouldn't be telling her about this recent angina pain—and wondered once more about that undercurrent of worry in her voice he'd sensed when they last spoke. Jack knew he had to let go a little. He wasn't going to be around forever, after all; that ranch was going to belong to Lou and Amy one day. They would eventually have to learn to cope without him.

"Come back home in one piece, okay?"

Jack recalled Peter's parting request when he'd dropped him off at the airport in Calgary.

Yeah, I plan to come back in one piece, Pete, thought Jack. But the day will come when I'm not going to be 'back'. And on that day, at least Lou will have you, and Amy will have Ty. Good Lord, even Tim will probably be around for longer than I ever will.

Maybe the worry I heard in Lou's voice was simply about me, Jack mused. Well, you can stop worrying, Lou. You have other people you can count on besides me. You're not alone.

Laughter from somewhere in the group made Jack look towards the riders in front of him. He couldn't tell who it had come from, but he suspected it was Kristin. He spotted her blonde head next to Evan's dark one, and they leaned in close to each other, horses matching stride. The engaged couple then chanced a kiss.

Leaning towards the other person's lips while in a saddle was awkward business, but the risk of falling off was worth the reward. How often had he and Lisa been out for a ride at Heartland and done the very same thing?

Not often enough. Jack sighed to himself.

He'd done it again. He'd thought of Lisa, and he ran a frustrated hand over his face. Jack then wondered if maybe his awful dream was really his subconscious telling him to let her go. Maybe she was ready to move on—without him. Wasn't that what he wanted for her, after all? Wasn't that what he wanted for his family? That when the time came, they would all be able to move on without him?

Yes, it's what I want, Jack asserted. I told Lisa I didn't want her to be my nurse. That's not what she signed up for, right?

A scowl worked its way across Jack's mouth. He didn't want to be anyone's burden. If he'd succumbed to the heart attack out in the field, the only "burden" for the family would have been making sure his funeral and burial arrangements were followed; that his will was promulgated and carried out.

Somehow, a small voice filtered through all the static of his morbid ruminations. What about what Lisa wants? Has she abandoned her desire to be reconciled with you? All that stuff she wrote about in her letter before you had your heart attack… Is it fair to her not to take into account what she wants?

It seemed to Jack he was caught in a never-ending cycle of competing desires. His wants were constantly butting up against hers. She claimed she had come back from France to be with him; that she wanted to take care of him; he had protested he didn't need her to be his nurse. Well, that part was true.

I didn't want you to be my nurse, Lisa, Jack thought. But I did want you to be my wife. I still do. And a wife and a nurse are two entirely different things. Lis… Which one did you honestly want to be?

He doubted he would ever be given the chance to discover that answer.

TBC