Misunderstood
Chapter 12
All Olivia could feel was how cold Amanda was and how hard the small blonde in her arms was shaking. When she had burst through the door and seen the scared woman all huddled up and in shock, she had slowly approached her, gently talking to her so she wouldn't inflict anymore damage. When she had gotten close enough to touch Amanda, she was relieved when the petite blonde finally looked up, tears streaming down her face, white as a sheet and eyes full of fear and hurt.
The detective slowly reached her hand out but was surprised, and slightly stunned, when Amanda threw herself into her embrace, holding on for dear life, clutching so tightly at the brunette's coat, pulling herself closer to the strong woman, practically ending up in her lap as she began to sob.
Outside the room was chaos. People were still screaming and crying, yelling at each other and throwing things around the place, shouting profanities. It had been a domestic dispute between a female couple in the shelter and one of them, apparently, had had enough, pulled a gun that nobody knew she had, threatened her girlfriend with it and fired.
The girl was now lying dead in a steadily expanding pool of her own blood while Fin and Carisi had cuffed her partner who appeared to be in shock from what she had just done and John was standing in the doorway to Amanda's room, looking at the two women on the bed and saw with his own eyes how much Liv cared for the blonde in her arms.
The brunette had a steady grip around the shivering form and held her as she cried. "Shhh, you're safe, sweetheart, you're safe. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I shouldn't have left you here in the first place, honey. I'm so so sorry." Amanda just whimpered and tightened her hold around Olivia's neck and wrapped her legs around the tall woman's waist, not wanting to let go.
Liv spotted a blanket within reach and, with one hand supporting Amanda's head on her shoulder, she managed to wrap the blanket around her body with the other, rubbing her hands up and down her back to warm her up quicker. "There you go, sweetie. I'll have you warmed up in no time. It's okay now." she soothed and her brown eyes locked with John's and he offered her a faint smile and nodding his head.
Amanda was still shaking ten minutes later and Liv was getting worried that she might have to go to a hospital but the blonde refused, insisting that she was fine and in no need of medical care. Things quieted down and the detectives were ready to leave and Liv helped Amanda to get up on her feet but her trembling legs made it very difficult for her to move. "Okay sweetie, just take your time and lean on me. The car is just out the front."
When Amanda was seated with the blanket tightly wrapped around her, Liv approached her coworkers. "Thanks guys. I'll handle all the paperwork on this tomorrow since I'm the one who called you out here in the middle of the night."
"Damn right you are!" Fin stated with a grin, causing Carisi to chuckle and John to roll his eyes and shake his head.
Munch patted Olivia's shoulder before they all went separate ways. "Take care of her, Liv."
Back home at the apartment, Amanda was still shivering underneath the blanket she was still wearing. It had been a cold car ride, even though the heat had been turned on full blast, but it was now getting to her, crawling in underneath her skin and forced it's way down into her bones causing her limbs to ache, teeth to shatter and her whole body to tense up. Liv grabbed one of her own blankets, removed the one Amanda was currently wearing and replaced it. The blanket from the shelter was thin and worn, barely providing any heat at all. This blanket, however, was thicker, bigger and made out of wool and, to Amanda's comfort, smelled like Olivia.
Shivering still, Amanda curled into herself for more warmth, letting the heat inside the apartment to slowly enter her body and gradually warm her up. Liv sat next to her on the couch, studying the woman from the corner of her eye, taking in her appearance and posture. It saddened her that Amanda had to go through that so shortly into her recovery. She even seemed smaller, thinner, now than two days ago and her eyes were red and puffy from crying and, what she guessed, lack of sleep. Cursing at herself for taking Amanda to that shelter in the first place, she moved closer to the blonde, placing a hand on her back, feeling how tight and tense her muscles were.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie. If I had known I..."
"Bu... but you di... didn't. It's okay." she stuttered between clenched teeth, her breathing short and hitched. "Wh... what's going to ha... happen to m... me? Where do I g... go now?"
"You're staying right here. I'm not putting you in a shelter again, honey. Not after tonight so don't worry okay! You're staying right here." Liv immediately responded, determined to keep her promise. "Now, I know I already asked you this but I'm going to ask you again! Are you hurt anywhere? Are you okay? Do you need a hospital?"
Amanda shook her head. "N... no, I'm ok... okay. Pro... promise."
"You're not okay, sweetheart. In fact, you're far from it but at least you don't have any physical injuries so that's good. Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Anything?"
Shaking her head, she clutched at the front of the blanket, pulling it impossibly closer. "Just c... cold and ti... tired."
Seeing the small woman suffer was unbearable and Olivia finally closed the small gap between them and opened her arms wide. "Come here, baby. Let me help you get warm." she snuck her arms around the cold frame, rubbed her hands over the thick blanket and kissed the top of her head. "You're safe now, sweetheart. You're safe." she whispered over and over, forcing Amanda to believe it.
Eventually her violent tremors stopped but, even though she wasn't as cold as she had been only minutes ago, she still couldn't control the occasional shiver now and then. When she finally relaxed and took a deep breath, everything that had happened came back to her, playing on repeat in front of her eyes and she began to sob silently, trying not to let the pitiful whimpers out but there was no use. They came anyway, rolling down her cheeks and dripping onto Liv's collarbone, leaving a wet patch in it's wake.
They had been silent for a while. Nothing was said except for the occasional sushing noises Liv made whenever Amanda shivered or tensed up. She held her firmly against her body, hoping that her own body heat was helping the blonde to get warm faster. When she suddenly felt a tear hit her skin, she gaced down at the beautiful face, resting on her shoulder and saw the drops streaming down her face. "Shhh" she soothed, placed her arm underneath Amanda's knees and pulled her into her lap, holding her like small child. "I've got you, honey. You're okay, I'm right here and I'm not leaving. I've got you."
"I... I thought I was going to d... die!" she blurted out between hiccups and sniffles and she hid her face in the crook of Olivia's neck.
"Oh, baby! I'm so so sorry. You're safe now, safe with me and I won't let anybody hurt you. I promise." she pulled her as close to her own body as she possibly could, rocking her slightly from side to side as the emotional storm raged her body and mind. "You need to get some sleep, honey. Come on, I'll show you the guest room. You have your own bathroom and everything that you might need in there. We'll sort out clothes and other things tomorrow. You should feel better after a night's rest and a shower and some breakfast."
Olivia showed her where everything was and helped her into bed and underneath the covers, placing the woolly blanket over her. "My room is just next door. If you need anything during the night, don't hesitate to wake me up, okay?" seeing Amanda nod, she smiled and headed for the door. "Good night."
"Thank you." Amanda mumbled before she fell asleep, her eyes lids instantly drooping as soon as her head hit the pillow.
A sense of peace swept over Olivia as she stood there, in the silence, watching the woman sleep. She looked peaceful in that moment but Olivia knew to never judge a book by it's cover. The awful pictures and memories in Amanda's head would never go away. They were to be a constant reminder of what had happened to her, a constant replay of the horrible events that she had endured and she would never forget. Ever. Sighing sadly, Liv left the door slightly open before retreating into her own for the remainder of the night.
At four am, sharp, a high pitched scream tore through the walls of Olivia's apartment and she bolted out of bed, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She ran out into the hallway, turned on the light and then opened Amanda's, gun in her hand, since it had become a habit after all the years she had been in the force. Upon seeing that there was no physical threat inside the room, she ran over to the bed where Amanda was curled into a foetal position, eyes tightly shut with a steady flow of tears streaming down, a now, flushed face. Liv put the gun away and slowly approached the woman.
"Hey, hey, sweetheart! It's okay, it was only a bad dream, honey." by keeping her voice low and soothing she hoped she could calm Amanda enough to talk about what had happened. "You're safe, baby. You're here with me, in my apartment, in my guestroom and there's no one else here except us. Just you and me. You're okay."
"He was here! He was here!" the blonde cried without opening her eyes. "I... I saw him, I..."
"Shhh, my love. It was just a bad dream, there's no one here to hurt you. I won't let them."
"No, no, no, no...!" Amanda repeated while shaking her head vigorously. "He was here!"
Olivia sat down on the bed but kept a few inches between them so Amanda wouldn't feel trapped or threatened. "Honey, can you look at me? I want you to open your eyes and look at me, please. There's no one else here, I promise you. Just open your eyes, sweetie. It's okay."
Sweat bloomed on her forehead, causing the blonde tresses to stick together in clumps, framing her face. Eventually her eyes fluttered open and they frantically searched the room, expecting to see her father but, just like Liv said, he wasn't there. Olivia was there. Warm, caring and loving Olivia was sitting next to her, dressed in pajama pants, a long sleeved top, hair pulled back into a messy bun and her face was makeup free and still held nothing but beauty.
"It... it was so real. I... I thought that... that I saw..."
"Shhh, it was a dream. You're safe now and he can never hurt you again, sweetie. He's locked up and will never get out." she promised with a stern voice as she watched Amanda's tears roll down her cheeks every time she blinked, wetting the pillow beneath. Then she noticed one of Amanda's hands, balled up into a tight fist, her knuckles turning white. The detective tenderly reached for it, rubbed her thumb across it a few times before gently bending her fingers open to see what was inside. It was her necklace. 'Fearlessness'. Smiling, she closed the fingers around the chain but left her hand to rest on top of Amanda's, waiting for the blonde to adjust to her touch.
"Do you want to tell me about the dream?" Liv softly inquired but the crying woman shook her head. "Okay, do you think you can go back go sleep? You want me to stay for awhile?"
Amanda suddenly felt too scared to be left on her own but swallowed her pride and said that she was fine and would go straight back to sleep. When the brunette was gone, Amanda still couldn't shake the eerey feeling she had developed due to the dream and she tossed and turned, trying to push the images in her head away. In the end she got up, made her way into the bathroom and splashed some cold water onto her face, rubbing her hands vigorously over her eyes and cheeks.
The cold water felt good against her heated skin and she glanced at herself in the mirror above the sink. She looked like death itself, bar from the flushed cheeks and rosy lips. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes again, calming her still raving heart. When she opened them again she jumped at the reflection she saw in the mirror. Her father was standing behind her with a sinister smile on his face, rosary beads in one hand and the bible in the other.
Quickly, she turned around but he was gone. It was only a fabrication of her imagination, he wasn't real, he wasn't materialistic or in a physical shape or form, just an image from the back of her mind, warping itself into somthing that wasn't really there.
She went back to bed, sat down with her back against the wall so she had a full view of the room. It was dark and quiet, she felt scared and alone, the klock on the bedside locker made a ticking noise that eventually seemed to get louder as the time went. Reaching out she removed the batteries and the noise suddenly stopped and it went silent once again. So silent you could hear a needle drop.
She wanted Olivia, needed Olivia to tell her that everything would be okay and that she wasn't alone and that she had nothing to fear but she was afraid to get up, make her way over to the brunette's bedside and ask for comfort and reassurance, even though she needed it. Her body began to tremble once again as she recalled the nightmare and she placed a hand over her mouth to stiffle a sob that suddenly escaped. She couldn't do it. She needed Olivia, needed her warmth, her reassuring touch, her soothing words, her strong presence.
Swallowing her pride she made her way out the door on trembling legs, hesitantly walked down the short corridor towards Olivia's room and was relieved to see that the door was slight open.
The room was dark. Only the light from the streetlamps outside gave it a soft glow and Amanda could make out Olivia's slumbering form on the bed, her soft snores and the rise and fall of her chest. She needed to get closer, to see her properly, to make sure she was there, to smell her and to touch her.
Shifting closer to the bed she became uncertain of her next move and stopped, only a few inches away. Now what? She thought and scolded herself for not thinking this through. She couldn't just stand there for the remainder of the night, looking at her sleeping for her own benefits. She felt so stupid for not knowing what to do but she couldn't find it in her to turn around and leave.
Slowly she lowered herself down onto her knees, resting her side against the bed and curled up on the floor, still watching the peaceful sight of a sleeping Olivia Benson. She was so grateful and blessed to have this woman, this stranger, by her side but she was afraid and weary of the unknown. She didn't know for how long she would have Olivia in her life. She couldn't stay here forever, living in her guestroom, imposing like some needy teenager who had abandonment issues and emotional attachment problems. What would happen to her? Where would she go? Where would she live? All this was only temporary, she knew that, but her mind wouldn't stop going through the same thoughts over and over again until her brain overheated and she had no choice but to disconnect. Although, it wouldn't last for long until the thoughts were back again, tiring her to the bone.
Her head began to pound fom all the unanswered questions in the back of her mind and she closed her eyes, rested her head against the mattress and, even though she was cold and uncomfortable, she drifted off to a restless slumber.