A/N Back again! This chapter is a bit shorter than the others, hope you don't mind! Autumn has some work to do sorting through her emotions, and Splinter's insight was just what she needed. Thanks as always for the reviews - they are greatly appreciated! And for the new favorites and follows! I hope you're all enjoying the story!

Chapter 12

Confronting Feelings

April and Raph leapt from building to building, stopping occasionally to eye the streets below, looking for anything suspicious, but everything seemed normal and quiet that evening.

"Slow down, Raph, you know I'm not that fast!" April shouted breathlessly as Raph ran off ahead of her again.

"Just trying to keep distance!" Raph responded from over his shoulder, not slowing down. "You stink like Donnie!"

"Uh!" April gasped in offense, skidding to a halt as she watched Raph fly over to the adjacent building, her mouth hanging open from the insult. "You ass!" she shouted at him, and ran to catch up, leaping over to join him. "You're just jealous because your brother actually has a relationship and all you've got is a confusing mess!"

Raph spun to face her, his eyes flashing angrily, and she took a step back without even thinking. "Stay the fuck out of it, April," he growled at her.

She narrowed her eyes and leaned forward toward him. "What, am I not allowed to care about my friends? And offer my advice when I see them royally fucking up?" she asked him evenly, holding his eyes. She thought she noticed a bit of a falter in his gaze, but he didn't move.

"You don't know what's going on, so your advice doesn't matter," he responded lowly, and he turned his back to her and began walking away.

She threw her arms out to her sides and replied, "You're right. I don't know what's going on." She took a step forward and continued, "But I do know that she likes you, and has feelings for you, and that she's just as confused about them as you are." He slowed down his pace until he came to a stop. He kept his back to her as he looked out across the city. She carefully approached him, not wanting to get too close, but still close enough to really connect. "All the more reason to talk about it…" she finished, her voice soft.

"There's nothin' to talk about," he answered quietly, his voice level.

"Yes there is, of course there is," April retorted, trying to keep her voice compassionate yet assertive.

He finally met her eyes. He was done. He didn't want to discuss this any further, not just with her, but with anyone. Only way to get her off his back was to give her what she wanted. "It was just a stupid fling, okay?" he stated, willing to open up enough to hopefully shut her up. "She's interested in Casey, and he's interested in her, and when she's human again they'll be able to go on real dates and have a normal relationship." He sighed sadly and looked away again, staring across the cityscape as it sparkled against the night sky. "She deserves that. She's been stuck dealing with her mutant life for a year and she was miserable, she doesn't deserve to keep dealing with more mutant shit after she's finally human again."

He started to walk away until April spoke. "She deserves what she wants, Raph, and it's not your place to make that call for her."

He stopped again and looked over his shoulder at her. "Oh yeah?" he replied, his voice sounding aggravated as he struggled to keep his anger down to a low simmer. "I thought you said she was confused about what she wants?"

"Which is why you need to talk—"

"Which is why I have every right to make that call for her. She's better off with a human, and I couldn't think of a better one for her than Casey. So," he threw his hands up in defeat, "she can have him." He began walking away from her again, and before he broke into a run, he finished with, "That's all I've got to say." And he leapt over to the next building and took off into the shadows.

April watched him run, feeling slightly defeated, yet hoping she at least stirred up some thoughts in his stubborn head. She sighed sadly, not sure what to expect to come of her friends' situation. She decided not to follow him, and instead began walking back toward the lair on her own. He could finish patrol by himself.

Meanwhile, Autumn sat in her chair in the common room, stewing over her thoughts, listening to Casey try to make friendly conversation with her, but she was only half listening as she stared blankly at the TV. Her arms were crossed over her chest, one scaly leg crossed over the other as it bounced randomly in the air. Finally, she interrupted Casey's chatter, uncrossing her legs and said apologetically, "Sorry, Casey, I've got a lot on my mind. I think I'm gonna see if Master Splinter has any tricks to… quiet my mind… or whatever."

Casey didn't respond, and Leo glanced over at her curiously. "Everything okay?" Leo asked.

Autumn shrugged. "I really don't know," she answered. "Catch you guys later." And she made her way toward Splinter's quarters.

She found him deep in meditation, and she quietly stood at the doorway watching for a moment, not wanting to enter the room and disrupt him. She remained concealed by the shadows of the hallway and observed – he was so still, so silent, she could barely tell he was breathing. She never got much into the whole meditation thing. She'd tried it a time or two, but she became too discouraged by her mind wandering so much. She could never achieve that inner peace. She felt slightly envious of their sensei, and how masterfully he achieved that tranquility and quiet. She wished she could know what that felt like, especially now.

"You may come in, if you wish, Autumn," Splinter suddenly spoke, his voice cutting through the silence like a blade, yet the rest of his body remained as still as though he hadn't spoken at all. Autumn jumped at the sound of his voice. How did he know she was there? She always prided herself on her stealth, she felt certain she was fully concealed and silent this time.

She took a hesitant step forward. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I didn't realize you knew I was here…" she rambled.

Splinter brought up a hand to silence her, and opened his eyes, turning his soft gaze to her. "You hide yourself well, Autumn. But I have skills to sense one's presence. One cannot hide that." He gestured for her to have a seat in front of him. "Come, join me. What seems to be troubling you?"

Autumn sighed and walked toward him, taking a seat cross-legged on the floor to face him, her tail curled around her on the floor. She fumbled with her hands in her lap for a moment, then spoke, "It's kind of stupid, I guess…" She studied the claws at the end of her fingers, suddenly realizing she didn't want to make eye contact with him.

"I don't believe there's anything stupid about something that's genuinely troubling you," Splinter replied. "Perhaps you are embarrassed to confront it?"

At that, she looked up to meet his eyes, her brows knit together, her lips drawn tight. "I don't know if it's that, really…" she replied. She looked away and shrugged. "Confused is all. And probably overreacting. Which makes it stupid…" She dropped her gaze back to her hands in her lap.

"Let me see…" Splinter said thoughtfully, then continued, "It seems as though one of my sons has taken an interest in you. And perhaps you have taken an interest in him. But your differences have you both feeling hesitant. Added to that, a certain human has entered the picture, and you do not know where your heart lies."

Autumn looked up at him, their eyes locking, his kind and waiting, hers incredulous and searching. "You're good…" she breathed, to which Splinter just kindly smiled.

"Matters of the heart are certainly not stupid, Autumn," Splinter insisted. "What is stupid, however, is not following your heart."

"But I don't know where it wants to go!" Autumn exclaimed, finally feeling her barriers open up, feeling more willing to tell him everything, hungry for his advice and wisdom. "I'm a human trapped in a mutant body! I've been considered a freak and have had to hide and fear for my life for over a year and then along comes these other mutants who are kind and friendly and fun and welcoming, isn't it inevitable that I'd fall for the one who jumped to my rescue? I feel like I'm just fooling myself – am I only interested in him because he carried me down here? And he's a mutant and so am I so it just works? If there were no such thing as retro-mutagen, I'd probably pursue something with him! But no, I get to be human again. Something I'd never dreamed was possible! I get to go back to my old life! But I can't if I have a mutant boyfriend in the sewers!" She stopped, though she held herself as though she had more to say.

Splinter tilted his head forward. "However…?" he encouraged.

Autumn sighed and looked down at the floor. "However. I do like him. Certainly as a friend. But maybe more, I don't know. And I like the way he smells. And I like the sound of his voice. And I like the way he makes me feel when he just looks at me, and especially when he smiles." Autumn couldn't help but smile a little at the thought. Splinter smiled softly in return, waiting for her to continue. She looked up to meet his eyes again. "I want so badly to go back to my normal life. To be with my family and friends again, to go to school again, all that normal stuff. Yet… I can't imagine life without him in it… or without any of you guys in it, for that matter. So I guess, no matter what, my life will never go back to being what used to be 'normal'." She dropped her gaze again, trying to process her thoughts.

"That is life, Autumn," Splinter spoke. "Life is full of changes, and when change happens, your perception of 'normal' has to change too. We are all constantly creating new 'normals'. When we start a new school, when we meet a new friend, when we take up a new hobby, when we lose a loved one – all these things change what we once considered 'normal', and nothing will ever be what it once was. We must adapt and move forward, settling into our new normal, until something else comes along to change it again."

It was a comforting thought, in a way. Autumn nodded in understanding, contemplating his words. A new normal… Reuniting with her family and friends. Still getting to come to the lair to visit her new friends. Her rescuers. If April could make it work, she certainly could too, right?

"How do you feel about Casey?" Splinter asked, his voice gentle and compassionate.

Autumn twisted her lips to the side. "I like him, I mean he's attractive and seems nice and like a lot of fun. But… I just don't feel drawn to him like I do with…" her voice trailed off as she felt her cheeks grow warm.

"Like you do with Raphael?" Splinter finished softly, smiling.

The blood rose hotter in Autumn's cheeks. "Yes…" she muttered, feeling embarrassed. Should she be having this conversation with her possible love interest's father? After the hot and heavy fling they'd been having, especially? She'd be mortified if he knew anything about that…

Splinter gave a soft chuckle. "No need to feel ashamed, Autumn. Love is a beautiful thing."

Autumn rolled her eyes. "I don't know if love is exactly the right word for it."

"Perhaps things will make more sense when you are human again?" he suggested.

Autumn nodded as she thought about this. She pictured herself as a human. Human hands, human skin on her human body, no tail, no claws, no scales… Long dark hair falling over her shoulders instead of barbs and spikes. A small, round nose on her face rather than a jutting snout. Eyebrows and eyelashes on her gray-brown eyes. And a world of possibility opened up to her. Not having to hide, not having to fear. Getting to be with her parents and siblings again, getting to hang out with her friends again. Visiting the lair in a body she's comfortable with. In a body that's hers. She suddenly thought about Splinter, a human trapped in the form of a rat.

"Sensei," she began, looking up to meet his eyes. "Why did you never use the retro-mutagen? Why didn't you take the opportunity to be human again?"

Splinter smiled, looking thoughtful, then replied, "I have grown to accept this as my true form. I had lost everything from my old life – everything that ever meant anything to me. All I had left were my skills and knowledge from my ninjutsu training, and my humanity. And that is something that can thrive no matter what vessel it's in. My sons know me in this form. I have no desire to live a human life. My place is here with them." He paused to shrug, then continued, "This is my normal." He smiled kindly at her as she studied him, pondering his words. He then added, "True self-love is accepting yourself for your appearance on the outside, and knowing that what matters most is what's on the inside," he placed his hand over his heart. "In your heart," he moved his hand to tap a finger against his temple, "and in your mind. And loving yourself for everything that you are, inside and out."

Autumn smiled. She could finally relate to that feeling, and she had Raph to thank for that. He made her feel sexy, he made her feel lovable, he made her feel invincible, and he brought out a confidence in her that she never knew was there. She didn't have to explain all that to Splinter – she had a feeling he already knew. Her face then fell into a frown. "But what do I do now? Raph is avoiding me like the plague, Casey is all up my butt… I just don't know what to do anymore…"

"You will have to come to that conclusion on your own, I'm afraid," Splinter replied. "However, I advise you to be honest, and of course, follow your heart."

Autumn smiled graciously at him. "Thanks, Sensei," she said. "I hope I can figure this out…" She moved to stand.

"I believe you will," Splinter responded with a smile. She grinned back at him, then turned to leave as he closed his eyes and returned to his meditation.

So she didn't exactly get to try meditating, but she got to stir up a lot of emotions and thoughts and gain some new perspective about her overall life and all its crazy twists and turns. And for that, she was grateful.