~ "Lately I've been hard to reach, i've been too long on my own". ~

Gemma's POV:

"Yeah, go on". She better be discharging me or there will be hell to pay I swear to god!
"You want to be discharged? To recover at home? Well to even be considered there is some conditions."
Great more conditions. Why can't they just leave me the hell alone. Who cares what I do with my life? Jesus. "What conditions?"
"The first condition is that I still want you to be hooked up to an IV so you can get your weight up. Secondly, you have to attend sessions with the psychiatric nurse on the next ward. Like I told you to do after the rape. Finally, you are to talk to us. Your family. Whether you talk to Unser, Jax, Clay or even myself. You have got to let us in. Let us help you. Do you get that?"

Urggggggghhhhhh. I do want to be at home but I definitely do not want to be hooked up to a bag pumping me with fat. I also don't want to see a shitty shrink. They mess with your head. If you weren't fucked up before you talked to them you sure are after!
"Jesus Tara. I gotta go home with a bloody drip? Shit. And a therapist...no... I.."
"Gemma, this is not a negotiation! You adhere to these conditions or you are not getting out at all. Clear?"
"Yeah. I get it. When can I go?"
"We shall see in the morning. Have a decent sleep and I will assess the situation in the morning".
The thought of spending a night in here terrifies me. I can't be alone with my own thoughts and no where to run to. At least when I am home I can go on midnight walks. Try and escape what I am feeling.
"Tara. Do you have any sleeping pills or sedation?"

Tara's POV:

That's a first. I have never had a patient voluntarily ask to be sedated. Why the hell would she want that?
"Yes, but why would you want that? Have you been struggling to get to sleep lately?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"Okay I will get you some medication to help you sleep".
"Thanks doc."

Hour later...

I am glad I am leaving the hospital knowing that Gemma will be fast alseep. Not only will it comfort Jax, but it weirdly comforts me as well. I feel so conflicted. I think back to the arguments that we have had, how spiteful she can be. But then again I feel pain. Seeing the most head strong, powerful woman I know in so much mental pain. Really, in a twisted way I look up to Gemma, so I hate to see her in the state she is now. I mean she has gone from being untouchable to begging to be sedated to get away from the emotions whirring around inside her head.

I pull into the drive and see the lights on in Abel's bedroom. Jax must be seeking comfort in Abel. I get that, escaping from the harsh reality of adult life through embracing childhood innocence. Abel is a little lifeline for all of us.

I get in the door and see all of the kitchen has been cleaned. Man, he must be upset.

"Jax? Are you okay". I walk into the bedroom and see him lying on the bed with a sleeping Abel, his little arms draped around Jax's waist. Jax has clearly been crying; his eyes are all puffy and red.
"How is my mom?"
"Not great. But she wants to be discharged tomorrow."
He looks at me, confusion etched across his face. "I thought she was too ill?"
"Well technically she is. But Unser spoke to me and said at least we can all keep an eye on her if she is at home, alternatively she could slip out and go off on her own. Which would be ten times more dangerous. What do you think Jax?"
"Well I want her home, more than anything. We need to make up for not looking after her... shit. We really have let her down haven't we?"
"No. You haven't let her down. No one has. Gemma is very much a closed book. She didn't give an inclination anything was seriously wrong until it was too late".
He puts his arms around me. "Will she get better?"
"It is going to be a very long process Jax. Everyone is going to have to do their bit to help her. She is in a real bad place Jax. She asked me tonight if I would sedate her so she could get a decent sleep".
"Oh fucking hell. I can't believe I let this happen to my mom. I will have to step down from the club for a while to keep an eye on her".
"No Jax! That would kill her. Why do you think she was so hostile when I came back? She was scared you would leave the club. It would break her even more of you did that."
"How else are we going to keep an eye on her? Shit you know what she is like."
"We will work it out Jax. I promise. Now lets go to bed. We will be no use if we are exhausted ourselves. Your mom is sound a sleep right now Jax. Trust me".
He gently manoeuvres himself out of Abel's arms and grabs my hand. "Okay. Thank you so much Tara."

Gemma's POV:

Urggggh my head is pounding. But at least I actually had some sleep for once. I can't remember the last time I slept for more than four hours. It seems like a lifetime ago. I can't wait to get out of this hospital. I hate being confined, I need space, just not too much of it.
My god have I put weight on since I have been in here, it is so shitty having to put weight on. It just means I will be ten times more unattractive to Clay. I will never be good enough for him. I remember when I was in my prime, my god did he love me. Now I am old and used I am past my purpose. When men get on they are revered. When women get old they are tossed aside, and I know all about that. I need to keep the weight off, not just to try and get Clay back; but for my own sanity.

Jax's POV:

I couldn't sleep at all, my head is just spinning. Why would my mom do this shit to herself? When did she become so withdrawn? When did she become so thin? Shit, it is like we were all so self involved that we couldn't see what was right infront of us. I gotta find Tara, ask if she is letting my mom out today.
I head to the kitchen and see her standing there, cooking waffles for me and Abel. I can't thank Tara enough, she manages to keep shit normal for Abel. She manages to keep me calm. She is incredible. "Hey babe". I wrap my arms around her and peck her on the cheek.
"Hey baby. How did you sleep?"
"Not good really, kept thinking about mom".
"Understandable. Jax... I am going to disharge her today, are you okay to deal with that? Someone is going to have to keep an eye on her."
"Of course. You sure?"
She shakes her head, her dark hair swaying from side to side. "Not really. This is a massive chance for her, to recover without a clinic. She is lucky to have not been sectioned Jax."
My god. The thought of my actual mother being sectioned is scary. I am so glad Tara is not letting that happen. "Is Anita coming to watch Abel for us?".
"Yeah she is...walking down the drive this minute actually!" Tara dashes to the door to let her in.
"Tara can we go now?"
"Yes. What about your waffles?"
"I'm not feeling it, you know with my mom and that. I just want her back home."
"Okay Jax. Let's go".

Tara's POV:

I keep trying to convince myself that I am doing the right thing, discharging Gemma, but I just feel uneasy. She can't afford to get worse. She might not be so lucky to wake up from another heart attack. I mean I have gotten Margaret's permission, albeit reluctantly. I just hope to god that Gemma has seen this as a massive wake up call, that she will die if she doesn't get better. "You wait here Jax, I will go in to see her, formally discharge her and then she will be with you".
"Okay. Thanks Tara, I don't know what I would do without you".

10 minutes later...

I gingerly knock on the door in case the sedation hasn't wore off. But as I put my head around the door I can see that she is wide awake.
"Gemma, How are you feeling?" She looks better since spending some time in the hospital, but to look at her in general you can tell she is still severely emaciated.
"Better doc. Thanks for the pills."
"Good. Gemma I have a few papers here for you to sign and then you can go home. Me and Jax will take you home, I will sort your IV out and get you settled. That okay?"
"Thanks Tara. I mean that. I hate these god damn places they give me the chills".
"Listen Gemma. You must take it easy at home. Not too much movement, plenty of rest and food. You will have to eat meals as well as having the IV."
She looks at me stunned. "You have got to be joking doc, I will be as fat as a fool."
"Gemma. That attitude is why I have had reservations discharging you. You need to get better, you are still severely ill."
"Whatever doc, can we go now?"
"Yes, sign these and I will collect your things."

30 minutes later...

God that car journey was painful. Jax kept trying to talk to Gemma about how she was feeling but she just cleverly deflected the attention and changed the subject. She managed to get Jax talking about the Irish and their guns, and whether Clay had settled his beef with Alvarez. I honestly have no idea how Unser expects Gemma to confide in him. Judging by her actions in the car, she ain't talking to nobody.

I am assembling the drip for her, she demanded that she wanted to be mobile, so it is attached to a hospital stand with wheels. I can hear her talking to Jax, talking heatedly?

"Listen Jax! You go and do your club duties, I will be fine."

I enter the living room with the drip. "No you are not to be left on your own Gemma! Remember the conditions I gave to you?"
"Why should Jax miss out on club duties to look after his old mom?"
"Well in that case I am going to call Unser to see if he can come over. Is that okay?" I hook her up to the drip. She knew this was the deal.
She exaggeratedly sighs, "I suppose, at least that way I am not a burden to Jax".

"Jax will you come into the kitchen with me? For a chat?"
"Yeah".
He looks so forlorn, like a lost puppy. "Listen I will call Unser and wait until he arrives. You go on and do your duties."
"But I don't want to leave my mom."
" It will just stress her out if she thinks you are missing out on something with the club. I will make sure she is looked after."
"Thank you baby. I love you so much".
" I love you too Jax. Speaking of love, you might want to tell her husband that his wife is home?".
" I will track him down. He ain't answering his texts, the shit!" And with that he slams out of the door, nearly taking it off its hinges.

Unser's POV:

I am dozing off in the car when I suddenly feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket. Oh its Tara calling me, shit, I hope Gemma is okay.
"Hey?"
"Hey Unser, it is me. I don't suppose you are free by any chance?"
"Yeah I am. I mean I am a cop with cancer. I don't have much to do nowadays. Is Gemma okay?"
"She is at home now, I discharged her this morning. I have to go back to the hospital so I need someone to keep an eye on her".
"I'm on it. I will be there in about 10 minutes".
"Thank you so much Wayne".

Gemma's POV:

God this is so awkward. Tara is just sat staring at me. Every breath I take she is watching me. Her eyes are literally glued to me. "Will you cut it out Tara?"
"What? I'm not doing anything".
"You are staring at me like I am some endangered creature!"
"I am just keeping an eye on you Gemma. You know the conditions. You can't afford to somehow become detatched from your drip".
"Tara. It is not like I am in any state to run a fucking triathlon is it? Plus this drip is fucking pointless".
I can see Tara getting irritated. "That 'pointless' drip is keeping you alive! You are beginning to make me regret discharging you. I can easily hospitalise you again Gemma! I will not hesitate."
"Alright. Alright. Sorry. What about your job? Isn't that stupid bitch of a boss going to have a shit fit that you aren't in surgery?".
"Unser is going to be here in a minute, and then I will head back. Gemma...you do know how seriously ill you actually are, don't you?"
"Yeah. Whatever."
I hear a knock on the door. God, that is all I need. Wayne asking questions now!
"Gemma. Please talk to Wayne. Talk to someone. We all care about you, and want the best for you".
"Thanks sweetheart, but I am fine now. I am perfectly fine."

Tara's POV:

Shit. I have a feeling that I have made a massive mistake. She is in such denial and is so reluctant to accept that she needs to get better.
I head to the door and open it to see a tired looking Unser. Looks like he didn't sleep much either.
"Hey Wayne."
"How is she?"
"Her usual self. Brushing everything off in a carefree attitude. There are a few things you need to do for me Wayne. Is that okay?"
"Shoot".
"You need to try to get her to eat something. I don't care how little at this stage. A salad or a sandwich, just anything. We need to try and get her back on to eating meals again".
"Shit Tara. That ain't going to be no easy task".
Bless him. He looks terrified. "Just try your best. If not, I will make her eat something tonight. Also make sure she doesn't try to lose the drip".
"Okay. You get off. I will handle it."
"Thank you so much Wayne". I quickly kiss him on the cheek and rush out of the door. Margaret is going to kill me for how late I am.

Unser's POV:

My god I am so nervous. I am going to have to bite the bullet and be strong. She needs to know that there are no excuses. She has to eat to get better. She has to talk to get peace of mind. I walk into the living room. She is slumped on the couch, a drip hooked onto her arm. My god she looks so frail.
This isn't Gemma Teller. This isn't the woman I knew. She is a shadow of her former self. I can't let her do this to herself. I won't!

"Right Gemma. Time you started talking".