JJ got out of the shower and took the hair dryer into the guest room so as not to wake Will. He was cranky in the mornings at the best of times, but his reaction to bring woken up early on his day off was akin to that of waking a sleeping dragon. In truth, she actually liked this part of her day. With the potential hectic nature of both her home and work life, she valued the peace and quiet that her early starts afforded her.
With her hair dry, she got dressed into one of her suits that were stored in the guest room closet. Again, a step that she'd become accustomed to since living with Will. After checking in on Henry and placing a kiss on the sleeping boy's forehead, she made her way downstairs.
Boiling the kettle, she took a travel mug from the cupboard and smiled ruefully at the second mug that remained on the shelf. If only, she thought to herself. She couldn't even remember when that second mug had appeared in her kitchen. Will certainly never used it, so it was saved for the days when JJ had been giving Emily a lift to work, or Emily had stayed over. A lot like Emily, it seemed as though it had always been a part of her life.
As she walked through the lounge, travel mug and purse in hand, she paused by a family photo. It had been taken maybe a year previously and depicted her, Will and Henry at the beach. They looked happy. In fact, they were happy. A queasy feeling crept into JJ's stomach. What had changed? Was it her? Had she caused her own unhappiness by getting involved with Emily, or was it that unhappiness that drove her away in the first place? The photograph purported to depict everything that she had ever wanted - a perfect little happy family. So why did she feel like such a fraud?
Her head was spinning and she had to turn away from the photograph to avoid the feeling that the happy faces were taunting her. Maybe this quiet time in the morning wasn't so good after all. Too much time to think. Too much time to dwell on the fact that she was essentially trying to live two lives, and succeeding at neither.
She felt as though she was lying to everyone. Lying to Will about where she was and how tired she felt on the nights when they were both home to go to bed at the same time. Lying to him when she blamed work for why she seemed so distant at times. Lying to her friends about how happy her home life was. God, what she wouldn't give to be able to just confess everything to Garcia and hear what she had to say. Lying to Emily when she told her that she knew everything was going to work out. She couldn't possibly know that, and the web of deceit that she had created seemed to have no end. Lying to herself when she tried to convince herself that she had all this under control.
Emily. God, if the thought of what she was doing to Will made her feel queasy, the thought of what she was putting her through made her feel positively nauseous. She had tried to convince herself that it couldn't be that bad, that Emily was a grown woman who would walk away if it all got too much. But she saw the way the brunette looked at her, and deep down she had to admit the truth. However much this was hurting Emily, she wasn't physically capable of walking away.
She fought back tears at the thought of what this must be doing to the brunette. Get a grip, she told herself. Just get yourself to work and find something else to think about. Your mind always feels most at ease when you're at work. With that thought, JJ put on a smile and left the house, knowing full well that her ease was attributed to a certain colleague.
Arriving at the BAU, she was pleased to note that she wasn't the last through the door. That would surely give away the fact that something was wrong. Good old Morgan, she thought to herself. He always had her back, whether he realised it or not.
She greeted the team as she made her way across the bullpen to her office, pausing by Emily's desk when the brunette looked up and they made eye contact for the first time that day.
"Good morning" Emily smiled up at her "I was beginning to think you weren't going to show up today"
"Yeah, the traffic was awful, must've added like 20 minutes to my journey"
The brunette raised an eyebrow "You and Morgan co-ordinated excuses in case he's late?"
JJ just gave her a look at continued on to her office. She removed her jacket and put down her purse, and had barely begun sifting through the files on her desk when Emily appeared at her door.
"I come in peace" the brunette nodded at the cup of coffee in her hand.
"In that case, I suppose you'd better come in" JJ smiled at her.
"You ok?"
"Yeah, fine. I just didn't sleep well, that's all"
Putting the cup of coffee down on JJ's desk, Emily decided not to pursue the point and went to walk away. She was stopped in her tracks when the blonde took hold of her hand.
"Thank you" JJ said softly.
"What for?"
"Being you"
Emily smiled and squeezed her hand "It's easy when I'm with you"
As the brunette returned to her desk, JJ felt that sick feeling in her stomach again. Time was certainly not making this any easier. She turned to her files and laughed inwardly at the irony in the fact that she resorted to photos of dead bodies to make herself feel better.
Two minutes later, she heard a slight commotion and stepped outside her office to watch Morgan run past Hotch, who had been stood by the door with his arms folded, and throw himself into his chair.
"I think I make that..." Morgan checked his watch "thirty seconds to spare, boss"
"You need a new watch" Hotch frowned at him "now get yourself a cup of coffee, and change your shirt for one that doesn't have lipstick on the collar before Strauss walks in here and sees you"
The rest of the team smothered their giggles as Morgan checked his collar to confirm that it did indeed have lipstick on it.
"Prentiss, be a doll and..."
"Coffee's on it's way, stud" Emily winked at him.
It was a few hours before JJ found herself being disturbed again. It was days like today that made her grateful for her own office. Sure, she missed out on some of the team camaraderie, but it meant that when she wanted time to think, she was given the space to do so.
When Emily knocked and put her head round the door, the blonde was part way through reviewing a seemingly never ending stack of cases where local police departments were asking for their help.
"Hi" the brunette smiled at her.
"Hi" JJ did her best to return the smile.
"I was wondering if you fancied getting away from your desk for a bit and getting some lunch?"
"I'd love to, but..." the blonde indicated the stack of files on her desk.
"Oh...ok then" Emily's face sank in disappointment and she turned to leave.
"Wait!" JJ called after her "I mean...maybe you could pick us both up something and we could eat in here?"
The smile returned to the brunette's face "Sure, no problem. You good with a bagel or something?"
"Sounds great"
As she watched Emily leave her office, JJ's head sunk into her hands. Whatever she did, she felt guilty. She'd spent the last few days trying to just carry on with Will as normal, desperate to avoid the sickening guilt she felt whenever he tried to show her any physical affection. But to do that, she had to try and train her mind to stop reverting to thoughts of Emily every two seconds. This meant shutting herself in her office and trying to subtly avoid spending too much time alone with the other agent. But Emily's reaction each time she had turned down a coffee or lunch made her feel even more guilty than before. And the look on her face today had been the last straw. Avoiding Emily, despite her intentions, had actually made everything worse.
And so when Emily returned with her lunch (and of course the brunette had known to buy her grilled chicken with low fat cream cheese without needing to ask), JJ let herself enjoy the company of the person that, truth be told, she'd been missing dearly.
When she got home that evening, she found that she felt lighter than she had in a while. It was amazing what a small amount of time with Emily could do. She knew that it the long term, she had a significant choice to make, and her heart already felt like it was making the choice for her.
Walking into the living room however, she was greeted with a stark reminder of why she hadn't made that choice a long time ago.
"Momma!" Henry clapped his hands in delight as she entered the room.
"Hi sweetie" she grinned and knelt down, opening her arms for her son to toddle into "How was your day?"
"Nom nom cake!"
"You made cake?"
The little boy nodded enthusiastically.
"And did you make any for Momma?"
"Uh huh"
"There's some on the side in the kitchen for you" Will greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.
"Well then, I guess I'd better go check out your masterpiece" she said, picking up Henry and walking to the kitchen.
As she stepped through the door she was overwhelmed by the state that it was in. Bowls, spoons and empty packets were strewn everywhere and there was a large spill of chocolate on the floor.
"Wow" JJ turned to Henry with a serious face "and what did Daddy say when you made all this mess?"
"Momma keen!"
JJ's eyes widened "I bet he did"
"Chere, I..."
"No, no, don't you worry. You guys carry on having fun and I'll clean up your mess" she seethed, handing Henry to Will.
Instead of protesting further, Will just carried Henry back into the living room, causing JJ to roll her eyes. So much for my feeling guilty, she thought to herself, before setting to work cleaning the kitchen.
A couple of hours later, Henry was safely in bed and JJ could finally relax with a glass of wine in front of the TV. She knew it was petty, but chose to remind Will that she was still annoyed with him by not offering him a glass. He seemed oblivious and just poured himself a glass before sitting down next to her.
"So" he started "I was talking to one of my friends in homicide division at Washington PD today"
"Oh yeah?" JJ responded, only half taking her attention away from the TV.
"Apparently they have a job opening"
"I didn't know you wanted to join homicide"
"Not for me"
She turned to him, her attention fully engaged now "Will, what makes you think I would want to work for the local homicide division?"
"It's a great job, a consultancy role. You'd be more than qualified"
"I don't want a job where I'm more than qualified"
"The hours are great though..."
"Let me stop you there" JJ held up a hand "I love my job, and have no intention of leaving it, ok?"
"And what about us? You have a responsibility to your family, chère"
"I have a responsibility to my family at the BAU too"
"You know I don't like it when you call them that"
JJ took a deep breath in an attempt to control the rage surging through her "When you stand side by side with people against the very worst of human nature, when you can count on someone to put themselves in harms way to save your life...they're family, whether you like it or not"
"And that's what I'm saying - you don't need to be putting yourself in danger like that. Think of your son..."
"Don't you dare" JJ spat "don't you dare suggest he isn't my priority in all of this"
"Well it sure don't feel like it sometimes" Will folded his arms.
"You knew the deal, right from the start. If this was going to be an issue for you, you should never have got involved" JJ's words were cold and her tone even.
"What are you saying?"
"That I'm not leaving the BAU so there's no point discussing this any further. And now I'm going to bed"
She didn't look back as she left the room, not caring at that point what his reaction was. She was fuming and felt the need to lash out, but knew there was no way of doing that in her own home. Mental note, she thought, buy a punching bag.
Instead she sought solace in the peace and quiet of Henry's room, sitting down in her old nursing chair to watch him sleep. The irony, she thought to herself, of Will thinking that I don't put Henry first, when he's the only reason I didn't leave this relationship months ago.
After twenty minutes in Henry's room she found that she had calmed considerably. She certainly had no desire to make things up with Will, in fact the only person she felt like apologising to right now was Emily and they hadn't even fought, so she took her phone from her pocket and went to bed in the guest room. The last thing she did before going to sleep was send a message to the brunette.
'I just wanted to say goodnight...and to let you know I'm thinking about you xxx'
She didn't even stay awake long enough to read the reply, which instead made a pleasant start to the next morning.
'Sweet dreams Jennifer xxx'
The next day at work, Emily spent most of the day confused. The withdrawn, quiet JJ that she had become accustomed to over the last few weeks - well, in all honesty since the night they spent together in her apartment - had gone. It was JJ who brought her lunch, and found excuses to stop by her desk when none really existed.
Not that she wasn't enjoying the attention, but Emily felt that she needed to understand the reason for JJ's apparent overnight transformation. She found a quiet moment towards the end of the day and invited herself into JJ's office.
"Hey Em" she was greeted by a warm smile.
"Hi, I just...I guess I wanted to see if you're ok"
"What makes you ask that?"
"It's just you've been a little different today, that's all" Emily shrugged.
"You can come in you know" JJ pointed out, nodding at the brunette's position in the door way.
Emily smiled and crossed the room to lean up against the blonde's desk, a position she'd adopted many times over the years.
"So...what's up?" the brunette tried again.
"Honestly..." JJ looked up at her "I've been an ass to you and I'm trying to make amends"
"You haven't been an ass..."
"It's ok, I can admit it. I've shut you out, which is something I always promised I wouldn't do. I followed up an amazing night with you by practically running in the opposite direction. I've been completely unfair"
Emily paused to let the words sink in "I can understand"
"You can?"
"Yeah. I guess things got pretty real that night, and you're afraid. You don't want to have to make any big decisions and you don't want to step out into the unknown"
"Are you profiling me?"
"No, just..."
JJ smiled and touched Emily's arm "It's ok. I should learn to stop trying to hide from you"
"That would be good" the brunette returned the smile.
"So...in summary, I'm really sorry...do you think you can forgive me?"
"Hmm" Emily frowned, pretending to consider the question "I suppose I might be able to"
"Good" JJ grinned and got to her feet.
The blinds in her office were closed, and she had a quick look through the doorway to check that nobody was standing in the one bit of the BAU where you could see in as far as her desk. Seeing it was all clear, she cupped Emily's cheeks and placed a lingering kiss on her lips.
Emily sat on the desk open mouthed, unable to believe that the blonde had just done that at work.
"My my, is Emily Prentiss speechless?" JJ teased.
"You know what? I think she just might be"
That evening Emily returned to her apartment in a much better mood than she had done in weeks. A wide smile spread across her face when she saw the flowers outside her door. She bent down to pick them up, taking the card out to read.
'I'm sorry...again.
Forgive me?
J'
Chuckling to herself, she carried the flowers into her apartment and found a vase to put them in. You'd better mean that Jayje, she thought to herself, you'd better not let me down.