Chapter 12

Renessmee's Point of View

It's been a few weeks since my parents brought me to this treatment center. Everything is so scheduled and on point, everyone has a place to go and someone to talk to except me. In the cafeteria they don't let you leave until you finish eating at least 90% of your food, which has been very difficult for me since I've been here. My dinner, though it takes most everyone 15-20 minutes to eat, I take up to an hour before I can leave.

We have group therapy throughout the week as well as private therapy. Dr. Caldwell has remained my main psychiatrist but as well another doctor has also taken on my case, Dr. Grant. She is a middle aged woman with short brown hair and is only about 5'1. She is very nice though and I like her, I talk to her sometimes when Dr. Caldwell isn't in the office which is often, he comes every two weeks or so.

"So Renessmee, it's been exactly a month since you've been here, how is it going?" Dr. Grant asked me on my Monday morning therapy session.

"Fine" I answered, what more was there to say? I rather be home but I'm here.

"Have you made any friends?"

"No, I don't talk to many people here."

"And why not?" she asked with a tone that rang with curiosity.

"I don't want to…"

"Renessmee, even though you have not said it, I know you are lonely, any one would be lonely without their family here on a daily basis as well as their lack of friends that they are comfortable with. Try making friends. What are your days filled with?"

"I do a lot of reading in the library and listen to music on my ipod, sometimes I go out to the garden and think."

"What do you think about?"

I sighed, "I don't want to be here! I don't like it here! I know I need this place but this only means that I'm weak! I'm an utter failure! I can't be strong! If I were strong enough then I wouldn't have told Carlisle anything that day because I would have been able to effectively bottle my emotions."

"A couple of things. One, you still haven't answered my question. Two, bottling your feelings doesn't mean you are strong. It's a disaster waiting to happen. When you bottle your feelings it all builds up on you. It gets stuck inside you head and you start believing things that aren't true. It's easy for someone to say their fine but true courage and strength is being able to open up to someone and allowing themselves to get better but that can only happen if you become vulnerable. This office is your safe haven, there won't be any judgment here."

I took the time to mull over the thoughts that were going through my mind, it was hard opening up to someone for me. I'd hid it for so long that now I had a difficult time getting over the bad habit.

"Why don't we stop for today? Just think about what I said and try making new friends, okay?"

I nodded, standing up and leaving the room.

After I left the office I went to the garden and found my usual spot near a pond. They had fishes in the pond and I liked watching them swim by. I laid on my stomach and leaned my head over the edge of the pond. I watched the fish move for an unknown amount of hours before I vaguely heard someone behind me but I shook it off as one of the nurses like usual.

"Need some company?" I gasped and turned around. I saw a boy standing behind me, he was tall and had green eyes with brown hair, and he was built but very lightly, enough to look cute. I looked at the grass suddenly feeling the twist in my stomach, the anxiety becoming me. "Yes". Did I say that aloud?

He came over and sat cross legged on the grass near my head, "I'm Kyle" he said, not sure if he should extend his hand for me to shake.

"My…my names Renessmee" I said in a whisper.

"Renessmee" he tested the names on his lips. "You know I've always wondered about you. I see you from inside everyday just sitting out here by yourself. Then I see you at the cafeteria, you're always one of the last ones to leave."

I didn't know why he was saying these things but I didn't respond, I just kept moving my fingers around on the tip of the water. "Not much of a talker are you?" he said and I shook my head no.

"Do you mind if I talk then?" he asked and again I shook my head no. "Okay, well, you already know my name and I've been here for about 3 months, I tried to commit suicide back in March when my brother died fighting over seas." I turned my head to him, I looked into his emerald orbs and they seemed solid, concrete and emotionless. How could someone like him want to kill themselves, he isn't as ugly as I am, as a matter of fact he isn't ugly at all. "I know what you're looking for, the sad eyes. I don't have them. I hide very well, therapy has been slow for me and that's why I've been here for so long, I can't open up."

He adjusted himself so that he was lying next to me now. "So, I don't think you're going to tell me what you're here for so can I guess?" I thought about his question for a moment before nodding my head yes.

"Okay, bulimia?" I shook my head no.

"Hmm…anorexia" again I shook my head no.

"Bipolar?" nope.

"Depression?" I looked down at the grass again.

"Ah, so you're depressed. Let me see…do you cry a lot?"

"Fair amount" I answered softly.

"Do you have anxiety?"

I nodded, "social anxiety"

"So this" he pointed between him and me, "it causes you to be scared"

"It's not about being scared…" I corrected him, "it's this constant nerves in my stomach and then…and then my thoughts telling me what you're thinking of me…"

"Like what?" he inquired.

"That you probably think I'm some freaky girl who can't talk to anyone and is a loner."

"And what else?" he continued.

"That I'm…" I tried to find a euphemism for the word, "unattractive"

"You mean ugly." He said seeing right through the word. I nodded.

"Well, for what it's worth. I don't think you're ugly. Actually the opposite really." and with that he stood up, "I would stay but I have group therapy now. See you around Renessmee." He left and I sighed, I was alone again. "Wait!" I turned and saw him come back, "can I see you tomorrow? So you're not alone, I mean unless you just want to be with the fishes, that's cool too?" I let out a small giggle. "I'll be here".

Definitely not as good as my friends from Forks but it would be nice to have some company while I'm here, maybe Dr. Grant had a point…

It's been a few days since I've met Kyle and so far we've talked a fair amount. He told me about his girlfriend he has back home, he's from Olympia. I told him I was from Forks and like most people he didn't know it existed. The thing I liked the most about him though was that I could talk to him without having to bring up my disorder, as far as the category depression that he gave me the first day he hasn't mentioned anything since.

Today though seemed extra gloomy for me today. It was raining outside and all I wanted to do was cry. I spent most of the morning in my bed, I missed group therapy and my session with Dr. Grant. A nurse came to check on me and I told her I was fine, to just leave me alone. Dr. Grant came in afterwards and I didn't talk to her at all, she told the nurses to just leave me alone and I was thankful for that.

At 2PM, Kyle came to see where I was. He knocked on the door and I didn't answer for him to come in but he walked in any way. He sat down on the chair near the bed.

"What's wrong Renessmee?" he asked.

"Nothing"

"Okay…do you want company?"

"Not really" he nodded understanding and leaving me to drown in my sorrow once more. At 6PM, it was still raining and dinner was in an hour. I got up and went outside my room. I walked to the door that led to the garden and stepped outside. The rain hit me immediately and I continued walking to the pond that I always sat at. Today I woke up with a dying temptation, it hurt me not to cut. I could feel the pain radiating though me, the worthlessness. Some days it hurt this much, so much that it made me cry and that's exactly what I did. I cried letting the rain mix with my tears and then something shiny caught my vision, I walked over to the other side of the pond where there was a piece of glass sitting there. I looked around and saw a bird feeder that broke. Looking back at the grass I saw a bunch of birdseeds. I grabbed the glass in my hand. Held it between my fingers the way I held my razor back home. I could solve the problem and not tell anyone. I could be out of here in a few more weeks, I'll just have to keep the secret. By each ticking moment I was convincing myself that I could do this. I could lie to everyone like I use to do back home and I would be back home with my friends and family as planned in a few more weeks. I swallowed the nerves that had built in my throat and held the razor to my skin. How long had it been since I cut. One week? Two? Four? I lost count because of the numbness.

"Do it" I gasped and turned around and saw Kyle there.

"W-what are you talking about?" I said stuttering and pulling down my long sleeve shirt.

"Renessmee…it takes one to know one" he said holding out his legs and pulling up his leg pants, there were many scars that covered his scars all over his leg.

"Go ahead and do it but I haven't done it in 6 months…" he said. I felt my heart beat race at these words. No, I couldn't! But I wanted to so badly at the same time! "I know what it's like Renessmee, the days you can't get out of bed, the days you just feel like you HAVE to cut, the days when you just want to cry and cut and feel better, feel lighter!" My breathing was close to hyperventilating.

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!" I yelled and ran away. The feelings of worthlessness and feeling weak hitting me. I ran into the center and directly into the women's bathroom. I shut the stall and began throwing up, I couldn't deal with the anxiety. I felt someone come and hold my hair back, when I finished I saw Dr. Caldwell there. "Logan" I gasped. "Shhh…finish" he said and then when everything was out of my system I began to sob and lean over the toilet. Logan grabbed me and I cried into his shirt.

"Talk to me Renessmee…what are you feeling?"

"I don't want to be worthless! I want to be good enough! Why can't I be stronger! My family abandoned me here! Please let me go home! I HATE IT HERE! I HATE IT!" I began hitting Logan and he held my wrist but I just kept fighting. "STOP!" I yelled and began crying uncontrollably! "LET ME DIE! LET ME DIE!"

"RENESSMEE CARLIE CULLEN! LISTEN TO ME!" Logan had yelled and I haven't heard him yell before so it startled me. His eyes immediately softened when my sobs left me breathless and gasping. Finally, a sharp pain hit me and I looked down to see my hand, I undid my fist and glass had cut through my skin while I fought and yelled all that time.

"Renessmee, can you hear me?" when I looked up the dizziness hit me. I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Make me better" I said softly before dozing off.

Logan's Point of View

Renessmee's body had given out from her breakdown, unfortunately I predict there may be many more in her future. It's part of the healing process. Her bottled emotions are lined up on a shelf from all those years and each one has to pop before she can fully heal.

"I won't give up on you" I whispered to her as I picked up her limp body and carried her to the ER so that I could stitch the wound and then carry her back to the psych ward so that she could fully rest.

I may need to find a different treatment option for her…maybe taking her away from her family and friends that she is comfortable with wasn't a good idea…I'll have to contemplate what I think is best.

Dear Readers,

I'm so so so so so so so sorry for the lack of updates. The last few months have been hectic. May I had AP exams, June 1st I had the SAT's and today I had the ACT's and I'm leaving on a two month trip. My goal was to update before I left and thankfully my 6:00PM flight was delayed so I was able to finish this chapter and update it. Please excuse all grammar errors as it was written in a rush. Enjoy! Have an awesome summer! I'll be busy with a bunch of things including my 18th birthday July 19th! I'll write the next chapter hopefully over the next two months. I'll try and update if I can but no promises. As always reviews are well appreciated and encouraged. :)

Love,

Stephanie