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Chapter Twelve: What the Heart Wants
I lay in bed tossing and turning. It was totally dark outside and I had heard Shane trade off duty with Daryl a long time ago. I hadn't been able to close my eyes without seeing Daryl. Our fight kept replaying in my mind and I felt guilty each time. I blew up at him for no reason. All he did was ask me a question and all I should have said was I didn't want to talk about it, and that would have been that. But no. I let all the stress build up and I let it all go on the one guy who seemed honest and truly seemed to care. I let out a loud sigh and sat up in bed.
I had no problem telling T-Dogg the basics, but what Daryl wanted was details. Details I wasn't sure I could even face them myself. After it happened I tried to forget everything and move on. I guess you can't run away from everything.
And for some reason I didn't want to run away from Daryl.
I knew I should. He and my brother didn't get along all that well, and their was still that problem about Rick leaving Merle on the roof. Daryl didn't get along too well with the group; I'm surprised none of them had shot him yet, honestly. Minus the times I had with him, he kept to himself. Our first days together were not anywhere close to what you read in the fairytales. But, despite it all, I still liked being with him. I felt safe, truly safe with him.
I threw the covers back and got out of bed. I grabbed my flashlight and carefully made my way down the stairs. I flipped the light off when I got to the living room. Carol and Sophia were on the sofa, Glenn was curled into a ball on the chair and T-Dogg was on the futon. That meant Lori and Carl were in the den, Dale was probably close to Andrea who was in the guest room. Who knew where Shane was, and I didn't really care anyway. I looked out onto the porch and saw Daryl sitting there staring out at the road. I could see Rick sitting in the RV. I take a breath and walk out onto the porch.
I gently close the door; Daryl doesn't even look at me. "Hey," I whisper, walking over to him and sitting on the banister in front of him. He doesn't say anything back, doesn't even take his eyes off the road. "Do you want your poncho? It's kinda cold out here." Nothing. I take another breath and just jump into my apology. Daryl has never beat around the bush so it's not surprising he didn't reply to small talk.
"Look, I'm sorry. About what I said earlier. I was out of line. And you're right. No matter what happened on that roof, Merle didn't deserve what happened to him. And I'm sorry about everything else I said. There is no excuse for it. No matter how wound up I am. All you did was ask a question, and I should have just said I didn't want to talk about it instead of getting mad at you. All that stuff about Jim…. I don't know what your relationship with him was, so I shouldn't have tossed in my two cents."
My apology hung in the air. I kept glancing from him to my hands that were fidgeting on my lap. Seconds ticked by and he still didn't look at me. I just dropped my head and pushed myself off the banister. I tried. That's all I could do. I had my hand on the handle when his rough voice hit my ears.
"The poncho is in my bag in the bathroom." I looked over at him. He was looking at me. "I wouldn't mind you getting it." I nod and smile at him before I go in.
I quietly climb back up the steps. Having to go slower than before since the walking cast is on the floor in my room, thank god my ankle feels better everyday. I think it's been a week since I hurt it. I open the bathroom door and spot his bag in the tub. I flip on my flashlight and dig around in his bag, his poncho laying at the bottom. I pull it out and it drags several pieces of his clothing with it. I quickly refold them and put them back in the bag. I head back down the steps and I walk back out onto the porch. "Here." I say, handing it out to him. He turns his head and reaches his hand out, I don't even jump when his calloused hand wraps around my wrist and he pulls me across the floor and he pulls me down next to him. I reach up and pull the poncho over his head. He helps me pull it down over his chest before he wraps an arm around my shoulders. We just sit in the silence for a while.
"Kelly," I glance up at him, but he's not looking down. "I'm sorry too. Don't let anyone press you for answers you don't want to give." Then he looks down, his eyes just look still, calm. "Not even me." I just smile and lay my head back against his shoulders.
The silence falls over us again as we look out at the highway. A few walkers wonder by but nothing that requires any action. Daryl is on full alert, I can tell by the feel of his body, but I warmth around me and the calmness of my mind seem to pull me into sleep. I let my head fall against Daryl's shoulder His arm tightens before his hand glides up and down from my shoulder to my elbow. I smile and whisper "goodnight" before I close my eyes.
His low "Night" rumbles in my ears before I fall asleep.
"What are you doing?!" I bolt up and stare at Rick. His face is hard and his voice is echoing in the still air.
"Keep your damn voice down. You wanna bring every walker over here?" Daryl snaps back.
"I don't care what comes here if it keeps you from my sister." Rick says back, grabbing my arm and yanking me to my feet.
"Your sister came to m. but you didn't notice because you were pouting in the RV." Daryl replies, standing up.
"Get inside." Rick says, looking at me. Daryl grabs a hold of my arm when I move to go in.
"You don't have to go anywhere. She's a grown woman." The door opens and Shane walks out, his gun in his hand. "What's going on here?" he asks, confused.
"Nothing that concerns you!" Rick says, pushing him into the door.
"Rick! Stop you're making too much noise." I say, grabbing his arm and pushing him away from Shane.
"What is your problem?" Shane asks, getting in Rick's face.
"This is my family, not yours. Keep your nose out of it." Rick says, getting nose to nose with Shane.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You know very well what it means!" I squeeze between them as Daryl shoots a walker that was stumbling by whose attention we caught.
"Guys, not here. You're attracting the walkers!" I say, shoving Rick away.
"I can't read damn minds Rick. All I know is I come out here and you're yelling at Kelly."
"I'm not talking about Kelly!"
"Shut up!" Daryl says loud enough to break through their confrontation and back into reality.
I move away from Shane and Rick to stand close to Daryl. I look in the same direction he is and I strain my ears. The sound of the crickets and the breeze blowing the grass seems to drown out everything but what I need to hear. Shane and Rick walk closer to the steps and look the same way. Then I hear it. Shuffling footsteps. My brain snaps to that day at the hospital when I was hiding under the nurses' station and Krissy came down the hallway. Only this was louder. There were more of them.
"Kelly, go wake everyone up, get them ready to run." Rick whispers. I move without hesitation.
I hurry back through the door into the living room. T-Dogg is closest to me so I wake him up first.
"T-Dogg, wake up." I urgently whisper while shaking him roughly. He makes several grunting noises before rolling over and opening his eyes,
"Kelly? What's wrong?" he asks groggily.
"Walkers." He sits up and starts grabbing his things. "A whole horde of them. Can you finish waking them up? I have to get Dale and Andrea." I say pointing to the stairs.
"Yea, go." He says, standing up and moving to Glenn before I dash up the steps. My heart speeds up. With each second that passes are several steps the horde gets closer to us. I run up and knock loudly on the guest door before I simply push my way in.
Dale is sitting in a chair beside the bed that Andrea is sleeping in. when I barge through the door Dale jolts up and looks up at me.
"Kelly? What in the world?"
"Walkers, a whole horde of them."
"I'll get her up. What's going on, what are we doing?"
"Rick said run, but I don't know."
"Okay, go." Dale says, standing up and he is gently shaking Andrea when I turn and quickly head to my room. I push open my door and Ricky is standing alert, his eyes at the window. He can sense them too.
"Ricky, come on boy." I say, patting my leg. He follows me down the steps where the group has gathered close to the door. I push my way through everyone and join Rick, Shane, and Daryl on the porch.
"I got them all Rick. What's the plan?" I ask, looking at the direction the horde is coming from. Their growls and grunts louder than before.
"We can make it to the vehicles." Daryl says, squinting his eyes the same way I am. "By the time we all got there and started they'd spot us and speed up. Not worth the risk."
"Cant we just stay inside?" Shane asks, "Go up the stairs, and keep quiet?"
"Too many of them. If they got inside…." Rick says, obviously trying to think of something.
"What about the roof?" I ask. "It's very high, take the ladder up with us. Stay down and silent—they should just go on by, right?" I look from Rick to Shane. Their fight seems to be forgotten….for now.
"I think it could work." Rick says,
"We gotta move now." Daryl says, letting an arrow loose, I see it hit a walker that is several paces ahead of the group.
Rick turns and tells us to gather everything we can then he, Glenn, and T-Dogg all head out to my garage to get the ladder. Daryl grabs my hand and we push past Andrea and Dale on out way back up the steps. He pushes me into my room, roughly ordering me to get all the blankets and pillows I could. I pull out my flashlight and stick it in my mouth. I grab my backpack and stuff more stuff in it. I also grab the bag I had filled recently and stuff a blanket in it too. I grab and armful of pillows and the last blanket I had in my room and I turn, running right into Daryl, who also has an armful of pillows and blankets. He motions for me to get ahead of him. He quickly follows me down the stairs. I catch Shane out of the corner of my eye shut and lock the front door. Daryl pushes me towards the back door. The fenced in yard would buy us some time. We walk out and quickly hand up the pillows and blankets before Rick sends me up the ladder.
Carl is wrapped in Lori's arms. They, as well as the rest of the group are laying face down on my roof. The cold air nipping at my skin and it becomes obvious why Daryl had us grab blankets. I had one to Lori, one to Carol, one to Dale, who passes it to Andrea. I take one for myself before stock-piling the rest off to the left Glenn is next up the ladder, followed my Shane then Daryl and Rick. Daryl and Rick pull the ladder up. We are now taking shelter on my roof. Daryl creeps over to the edge and we all hold our breaths. The horde is very close. Not right below us yet, but very close. Rick softly tells us all to be very quiet. Then he walks over to Lori and he lays down beside her, Carl squished between them. Rick is on his belly and his eyes seem to be searching for something. Daryl creeps back over to me and I reach to hand him a blanket, but they are all gone. We hadn't been able to grab many, poor Glenn and T-Dogg were sharing the pink blanket that had been on my bed. They were very close to each other and Glenn looked miserable. Shane and Dale had their own. Leaving Daryl with none.
I picked up an end of mine and offered it to him. He didn't say anything, just laid down next to me. He was very warm, despite the cold breeze. The horde was getting closer. When the wind blew, it sent their decaying smell over the house. It was then, at that moment that I realized Ricky wasn't up here. My mouth fell open and I felt tears sting my eyes. Daryl looked at me and mouthed what.
"Ricky." I whisper back. Daryl looks at me before wrapping his arm around me. My dog is trapped on the ground, maybe in the house, maybe outside it. The last time I saw him was on the front porch. I hoped he was inside. He knew I was up here. He wouldn't leave. He would be killed.
I forced myself to stay quiet. They were louder and stink more than ever. They were right below us. I sucked in a breath of air and held it. Daryl felt tense; his whole form seemed to be solid as stone. I let out my breath and force myself not to jump when one bumps into something. The sound reverberated through my body, as well as the accompanying growls that come from the monsters below. Even though my rational mind knew even if they saw us up here, they couldn't get up here, I was still scared. Very scared.
I glance over and I end up locking eyes with Rick. His has his arms tight around Lori, but his eyes are hard. I know what he's mad about, but he can't do anything about it…at the moment. I break eye contact and look away. My mind can't handle everything right now. I need to prioritize my thoughts.
I breathe in and almost choke on the smell. I press my hand over my nose and mouth and force myself to breathe in again and again. Daryl pulls me closer and I don't know why at first, but then I hear it. A high-pitched whine. Ricky.
I pop my head up but Daryl presses it down. My head is forced into his chest as Ricky's whines and the growls of the walkers grow closer to each other. I want to go get him. Set the ladder down and call him over. If I could get him to the roof, he'd be safe. "Kelly," Daryl whispers, it's so low I can hardly hear it, but it makes his chest vibrate. "Don't think about it." I try to glance up at him, but I stop trying when I hear one bump into something and Ricky whelping.
Everything seems to happen so slowly. Loud growls and grunts seemed to travel faster. I had tears on my face and I had to bite my lip when a loud scream from a monster hit my ears seconds before a horrible cry from Ricky occurred. I knew they were attacking my dog. His cries filled the air, followed by the sounds of tearing flesh and the moans from the walkers. Daryl kept a firm hold and prevented me from lifting my head. I was holding my breath, fighting my urge to try and save my dog. It seems to go on forever. The heartbreaking cries from my Ricky. But they do. Ever so slowly his cries go from piercing the air to whimpers I had to strain my ears to hear. Then they were gone all together.
We stayed on the roof all night. Soon after Ricky's cries faded from the air I rolled away from Daryl and wrapped the blanket around myself. I willed myself not to cry. It was just a dog. Andrea had lost her sister, I had no right to cry over a dog. But I still wanted too. Daryl stayed close all night, but I don't know if it was because he wanted to or because we were sharing a blanket. Others around me had fallen back to sleep, but my eyes were still open when the first rays of sun crept over the tree tops.
The horde had passed long ago so nobody said anything when I sat up. The ground that I could see looked unchanged, that seemed unfair. Ricky had been killed on this ground, there should be some kind of blemish on the grown-up, browning grass. I looked behind me and Daryl was asleep, so I crawled out from under the blanket and made my way to the edge of the roof. I didn't see Ricky on this side either, his cries sounded off to the side of the house, not the front. So I sat up and dangled my feet off the edge. I tucked my arms into my shirt and watched the sun rise.
"Kelly." Comes a voice from my left.
"You can sit down, Rick. I'm not mad." I say, not looking at him. He sits down next to me and we don't say anything for a few minutes, I know he is feeling guilty about his part in what happened last night.
"Do you think things will ever get back to the way they were?" I ask, not wanting him to talk about last night just yet.
"I don't know. If it does…I don't think we'll be around to see it."
"Same here. I don't think Carl will either. I think it will take a thousand years for everything to correct itself. I was conscious when this all started and I still don't get it."
"How did it start?"
"I don't know. There were some reports of the news about people getting sick and attacking other people in the streets. But they all came out of the bigger cities. Then a few days past and they closed down the public businesses, the schools, stores, restaurants. Then on day I was here, drinking coffee and this report came on the TV telling everyone to evacuate, to go to Atlanta."
"Why didn't you go?"
"We've been over this. I couldn't leave you there."
"You said Shane showed up, did Lori?" I just shook my head. He was asking all the questions I was asking myself. Rick dropped his voice into a whisper and asked, "What do you think I should do? About them?"
"I don't know. I really don't." I let out a small laugh as the breeze blows my hair off my face. "I never thought I would have to even deal with this problem."
"Neither did I." he sighs and continues. "I'm sorry about my reaction last night."
"It's okay." I say, trying to cut him off.
"No, its not. I have to get over my big brother instinct. You're not a little kid anymore. And Daryl isn't Phillip."
"No, he's not." I say, a realization of my own settling over me.
"I guess I still have my own demons over that to deal with."
"We both have demons, Rick."
"Do you think we'll ever make it?"
I look up at Rick, our matching eyes connect and I give him a smile. "We'll figure out a way, Brother. We always do."