For I Have Sinned

Chapter Twelve

(A majority of this chapter, if not its entirety, will consist of Claire's therapy sessions. Be wary, and enjoy.)

The first week went better than Dr. Ballad could've hoped, certainly much better than he was expecting. His initial impression of Claire had be heavy handed, leaning towards anti-social and severely introverted. Not that he was wrong, but he was off as far as the fine points, which was no surprise considering how brief their first meeting had been. Now that he had ample opportunity to know her and to begin to understand, his opinion was drastically changed. True, she was still anti-social and introverted, but it wasn't all that simple. There were reasons that he was now aware of, and he had theories to collaborate with inside information in the form of Serah Villiers. He consciously and unconsciously put pieces together, consolidating ideas in just such a way as he composed an outline for the direction the next few sessions would take.

It wasn't quite time for him to make a big push yet, but that would come soon enough. For now, better to just let them go as they had, naturally, without undue pressure. A little push here and there was doing well so far, so he would stick to it.

Terminus would come creeping out of his drawer when Claire showed up for her usual three o'clock appointment. Her greeting to Dr. Ballad was noticeably warm, like she was actually happy to be there, and she extended similar treatment to the rag doll feline as he jumped into her lap.

"It's nice to see you in such good spirits, Ms. Farron." Caius mentioned as he settled into his chair.

"Been a good week, I guess." her attention was on Terminus as she responded, the cat rubbing his face against hers.

Caius nodded, getting the recorder out and switching it on. "What is a good week for you?"

"Sleeping through the night, keeping myself together, you know...normal people stuff."

Putting it that way gave him pause, a dose of realization. So he nodded. "Do you think us working together has helped at all?"

"Maybe." she admitted, still having yet to look at him. "Then again, Serah's often told me I'm a pessimist."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because I don't have expectations most of the time."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing," he lounged back, "you spare yourself the repercussions of disappointment."

"I guess." she see-sawed her shoulders, a quirk in her mouth. Finally she looked at him. "What did you want to talk about today?"

"Well, I'll go ahead and let you know that I'm going to get a little harder on you starting this week. I'm going to be asking more specific questions, actively searching for your triggers and trouble areas. Do you understand?"

"I do."

"Naturally I won't be throwing you into it right away, we'll take it steadily as we have so far, I just wanted to make sure you're aware that we'll be taking it a step further from now on."

"Okay." Claire had an air of confidence he wasn't expecting.

"With that being said, I would like to continue exploring how you formed relationships with your family and girlfriend. I know we've nearly exhausted the subject, but I still have some curiosity for it."

"In what way?"

One of the first things one learns to become a behaviorist is to focus on how children form relationships, which has a significant bearing on how they do so as adults. But seeing as Claire's childhood was so atypical, he needed what information he could get now. "Such as the early stages of your...waking up, as you so aptly put it. Was there a conscious process to it that you could describe to me?"

"I wouldn't say that." she shook her head. "I was too simple then. It just came together by what I saw. I watched them a lot...that's how I learn, you know?" And it remained true to this day. If she could see it, visually study something, she could retain it with next to no trouble. "But I watched how they worked together...how they treated each other...learned their habits. Putting it like that makes it a little creepy, doesn't it?" she laughed a little.

"Not at all. You've mentioned before that you were afraid and -in a sense- stranded, surrounded by strangers you couldn't communicate with. Anyone in your position, regardless of their mental capacity, would've likely done the same thing. It's a natural instinct to gather information to best evaluate one's situation."

Claire nodded, but with the slightest twinge to her brow as if she might have missed some of what he said. "But...everyone had their place, if that makes any sense. Snow, Serah, and Yun were at the top," she gestured with her hands, palm down with fingers level with her shoulder, "Yun's sister and her boyfriend were next...and then there was me. I came after the cat."

Caius almost smirked, though he restrained himself at the risk of seeming rude. "Did they treat you accordingly?"

"No, they were good to me. I mean, in the beginning it seemed like they were treating me like a kid -now that I look back on it I understand. I kind of was. But, eventually, I was part of the family."

"Eventually, meaning, when you began speaking?" Caius thought to Serah's various instances of input over the past few days when he had spoke to her. It was just another thing he was curious about and wanted a first-hand perspective of.

"I think so, yeah. It was the common ground I think they were all looking for." then she smiled a little, her hand falling on Terminus' head. "Yun would sit and talk with me a lot. I guess that's what made our bond...different. I mean, everyone in the house would talk to me, even if I wouldn't, but Yun would actually seek me out...I could've been trying to hide and she would always find me and just...talk."

"She cared about you."

"Sure." she responded, fond of the memory she was considering. "Yun probably felt responsible for me, seeing as she found me and I didn't have anyone else. Not at the time. Still...she gave me the attention I didn't realize I wanted."

"So," he paused a moment, thinking, "Cid wasn't very attentive?"

"Attentive isn't the word I would use." the fondness left her features instantly, her expression now unreadable. "In the beginning he would spend hours at a time with me...training me...but it got to the point where I could go through the motions on my own. After that I would only see him maybe two times a day...when he fed me."

"So you were completely dependent on him?"

"Yes." a curt nod followed the answer. "I had a bed, if you could call it that -it was just a blanket on concrete, truthfully- I had a toilet, a sink...the essentials. I was kept clean...clothed until what I was wearing was too small or too stained or too tattered. In a way it wasn't any different from anyone else."

"But in other ways it was, many ways."

"I guess." She looked down into her lap, Terminus having grabbed her hand and now held it as he tried to nap.

"I didn't mean to sidetrack you, Ms. Farron." he apologized, though it was only half true.

"It's all right, you're curious." she said plainly. "Anything else you want to know about that?"

"We'll get to it in time, but back the previous subject. When did you realize that you loved Yun, how did it feel?"

"It was weird in the beginning." she didn't need but half a second to answer. "I didn't really understand it -how could I? Well, I mean," now she paused, trying to find the words.

"You understood that you had feelings for her, you just didn't know what to call them, maybe?"

"I can't be sure. I knew what love was...just not that kind."

"Cid hadn't given you the opportunity to let your emotions mature?"

"No. You're right." she nodded slowly, her response cautionary. Her brow knitted and she spoke softly with some awe, "I was growing up so fast."

"You're emotions were finally catching up with the rest of you."

"Maybe. In any case...I don't think I realized I loved her until after Cid was sent to prison. I was...suspicious in a way, for some time before that, but...maybe knowing he couldn't...it let me focus on other things."

"Did the realization make you happy?"

"I was scared." Claire shook her head. "I can't read people very well so I had no idea what was going through her mind, what she felt about me. We had kissed a few times, but I guess that wasn't plain enough for me." she laughed a little, a puff of air coupled with a smirk. "Turns out we were thinking the same thing. I was happy then, once I knew for certain."

Caius nodded, a pleased and easy smile on his mouth. "Would you say you form relationships easily?"

"No." decisive, certain. "I dare say it's all but impossible."

"Do you have any friends outside of those you identify as your family?"

"Not really." she thought briefly about Kah, the jury still out as to whether or not she counted him as a friend. Ask him, and one would surely get a resounding yes. "I had a couple of acquaintances in school, but we lost touch after Yun and I had to move." and it hadn't been because she wanted to. She had to.

Caius nodded again. "What was it like to learn Serah was your sister? You had lived with her for a few months beforehand, I'm to understand."

Claire's head tipped back against the chair and she looked up at the ceiling. "I wasn't alone anymore. I had a family. Cid had convinced me that he was the only person in the world that gave a damn. But...he was wrong about a lot of things."

"Clearly." Dr. Ballad agreed.

"Of course I was shocked when she finally told me." she continued. "And I was happy once the idea really sank in."

"What about Jack?"

Her head came forward, leveled, and she looked down into her lap again. She pulled her hand free from Terminus' paws so she could stroke his plush side. The animal vocalized his displeasure. "I imagine it's like meeting your future in-laws the first time. At least from what I've heard."

His eyes widened and he paused, thinking. Meeting Yeul's parents had been quite trying, though they turned out to be sweet people. But he could imagine the same questions going through Claire's mind as did his own. What would they think? Am I not what they expect? Will they hate me? It made perfect sense.

"Stressful, to say the least."

She nodded. "I was worried he wouldn't recognize me, I even had a dream the night before meeting him that he didn't. But it worked out. I'm really lucky." The little smile left her face as she saw Dr. Ballad's expression morph from interest to apprehension.

"How did it feel to learn about your mother?"

It was obvious that the question caught her off guard. Once the words left his mouth Claire felt like she should have expected it. She blamed that for having to take so long before answering.

"Serah told me." Claire began, hesitant as the words were still forming. "I know I'm supposed to be sad. I should feel pain because she's gone but...I can't. I don't remember her. The only reason I know what she looks like is because of photographs." and she seemed troubled to admit this. This absence in her mind of the woman who brought her into this world felt in some ways unnatural. Claire found herself thinking back to the afternoon Serah showed her where Rachel was buried. Even now she had the feeling her sister had expected something to happen, some profound awakening of Claire's spirit perhaps. As if the presence of her mother's remains would stir something supernatural in her. But no such thing occurred. And still she hadn't the slightest idea what she was supposed to take away from the experience.

"Have you ever felt responsible for her death?"

"No. I had no control over that. She had the ability to choose, and while my absence played a part, I don't hold myself responsible."

Again Caius found himself amazed. She sounded so mature, so together. Just like that she had shut her feelings down and distanced herself from the idea while still answering his question. "Have you ever sensed your family members blaming you?"

"Never." she shook her head, then took a breath. "But I would like to remember her again, if that's possible." and she looked at him with a reserved hope. Gently beckoning.

"We can certainly try, but not today. I'd like for us to get further along yet. Do you feel like restoring your memory of her will help resolve some of your issues?"

"I don't know. But...a picture looks better when it's whole. It's easier to understand when it's finished. I guess a part of me just feels...incomplete."

"May I assume that Cid is a key element to that notion?" it was more rhetorical, though it didn't surprise him when she nodded. "You feel he took away or withheld important pieces of our life?"

"Yes."

"I would like to know how he managed that. Could you explain it to me?"

Claire took a deep breath, Terminus stirring in her lap to change his position. "He just...he took everything away. I think I was nine years old...that's what dad and Serah told me. When Cid first tried...changing my mind... he kept feeding me the story that he found me on the street, and I remember telling him...I called him a stupid fucking liar to his face. Nine years old and I was saying things like that." she shook her head, amazed at herself. "And he wouldn't use my name, he gave me a new one."

"Which was?"

"Lightning. Good name for a dog, isn't it?" her small laugh was sarcastic. "But I kept denying it. It never occurred to me what he was trying to do, even after he started keeping food from me. He wouldn't let me eat until I started answering to that name...calling him master. That was before he stopped allowing me to speak to him. He wanted to adjust my behavior first, get me used to my place."

"Describe it to me." he encouraged.

"A room made of concrete. No windows, one light in the ceiling that he controlled. After he had been training me for a while -couldn't tell you how long- he had the crate built."

"The crate?"

"It was a cage. It was my home. He controlled when it opened and closed, when I would wake up and when I would go to bed. You could say I snapped-to pretty fast, mostly because I didn't feel like getting my head kicked in every day." She had lost a lot of baby teeth to her defiance and Cid's quick hand.

"Cid would discipline you?"

"What else would you do with a disobedient dog?" she countered gently. "Though sometimes I think he did it just to prepare me for what was coming. Get me used to the pain of being hit."

"When did that start?"

"Once he had me housebroken." her eyes thinned, maybe disgusted with the term she picked. "I mean...once he was confident he had control. I was dependent, I answered when he called, so I guess that was enough for him. I was maybe ten by then. But it didn't start with the fighting, no, he had to be sure I could live through it first."

"What was that like?"

"At first I hated it."

"At first?" one dark brow raised.

"I got used to it like anyone would. It was...just a part of my life. Cid would say jump and I...I'd jump." and it was an honest example. He had told her to jump, part of an exercise to strengthen her legs. And she jumped. Again and again, until tears streaked her dirty face and her body trembled with weakness. Until she couldn't stand anymore. "Cid told me to run, so I'd run." Leaving bloodied tracks on the concrete from the broken blisters on her feet. "But I couldn't find it in myself to defy him. After a while I didn't know how to tell him no. I was too afraid or had just forgotten. And that's how it all happened. How my life before was just...washed away. I let it go...and he replaced it with something else."

Caius felt his heart clench. Gods on high how does someone stomach that kind of misery? How could a child ever come out of such circumstances and still function? Claire had found a way, he realized, by learning not to feel. Or so it appeared.

"When did he start teaching you to fight?"

Claire sniffled and cleared her throat, swallowing an unexpected urge to cry. "I think I was a teenager by then." she thought a moment, nodding when she checked the memory. "I'd had the collar for a while."

"I'm sorry to keep interrupting you, but a collar? Cid actually implemented a dog collar?" Caius couldn't restrain the question, though once it was out he wished he had. That was terribly rude of him.

Claire only nodded. "Cid wanted me to be his attack dog, that's the only way I know how to describe it. He used the collar to keep me in check."

"You wouldn't still have it, would you?"

"Threw it into the sea off the beach at Bodhum the day after he was sent to prison." she said with a rather proud nod. She had half expected him to look disappointed, considering his tone in regards to the item. "It couldn't be a part of my life anymore."

"I understand. Again, forgive my poor manners. Please continue."

"There isn't much else to say about it, only that it worked. I don't know how, but it worked. Cid trained me to fight without holding back, to hit as hard as I was physically able every time. And he saw to it that I could hit hard. The first man I killed was the one he hired to teach me." and though she didn't say it, part of her was glad. The bastard had deserved it. A hard kick to the chest had ruptured his lungs, and he drowned in his own blood.

"So...were you complacent when the collar was on?"

"Yes. That was another reason I didn't help Cid the night Yun found me. I wasn't allowed. It was against the rules. And by then, his rules were my rules."

"Gods above." he breathed, shaking his head. "Are you all right? Would you like to stop?" Caius watched her rake her scalp with one hand, features tight. He had to ask.

"No, I'm okay." she took another deep breath. "Just...haven't thought about these things in a long time. Prefer it if I didn't have to."

"I don't blame you, but I'm grateful that you would stomach them now. Again you're doing exceedingly well."

"Thanks." she exhaled, again causing Terminus to protest and shift around.

"Would you be open to me pushing a little further?"

"You said you would, so why not?"

"Well, while that's true, I'm willing to put that off until the next session considering what you've given me today with so little encouragement."

"Might as well get it while the getting's good, right?" she might not have the heart to do this later.

"Fair enough." he cleared his throat. He almost hated prying, his heart going out to her. "What was your first fight like?"

Claire took a moment to steel herself, get the words together. "It was kill or be killed, at least it was for me. It was the only choice I had. But my first fight didn't go well. Obviously I didn't lose, but Cid still wasn't happy."

Claire had been sixteen, though unaware of it, and was pitted against a man easily twice her age and almost twice as tall. It was painfully obvious the man outweighed her by a sizable margin. In spite of this, the fight was neck and neck until it ended after nearly five minutes. Claire had earned the victory honestly, able to snap his neck in exchange from a broken nose, two black eyes, and more bruises than she could count. But, as she said, Cid wasn't happy.

"To him...I don't think it was so much that I had to win, but that everyone else had to lose."

"It wasn't just about the game, it was about making a statement."

"He wanted everyone to know that he was the best. That it was his game." Claire nodded.

"Now, you say Cid was displeased with you? Did he discipline you?"

She nodded again. "He tossed me around before putting me to bed." Bad dog, bad dog, bad dog. "He locked the cage and I didn't see him for a while after that. It could've been days...and I wasn't fed until he came back. By then all I could think about was keeping him happy, so you can imagine how I tried to...double my efforts after that."

"Considering Cid used it as he did, does food hold any negative connotations for you?"

"Oh no. It might not look like it, but I love to eat." and she smiled just a hint.

"Oh yes, a silly question, now that I think about it." and he remembered their first session, discussing her pastimes. "So here's a better one: was there anything positive that you managed to take away from that situation? Anything at all?"

"Sure." she nodded without much thought, her eyes averted, unfocused. "As crazy as it sounds. I'm healthy, strong... I don' know how to quit. I mean, those are good things, right?"

"Of course. But are you grateful to him for instilling those traits?"

"No."

"Do you hate him for it?"

"No." again, without much thought, but much to the good doctor's confusion. "Something else he taught me was how to feel nothing. And that's how I feel about him. I don't hate him...I don't feel sorry for him...I feel...nothing."

"Nothing at all?"

She shook her head. "What would it change? It wasn't worth the effort. Besides, at some point I think I realized that if I wanted a life of my own, he couldn't be a part of it in any way. I had to erase him."

"Just as he tried to erase you, erase Claire?"

"I guess."

Caius thought a moment, shifting in his seat. "If given the opportunity, what would you say to him now?"

"I would just...ask him why." She appeared to pout a little, lost in a stray emotion or discomfort. "That's all I've ever really wanted to know. Why me?" And while she knew the reasons behind her abduction, as revealed by Jack some weeks ago, she still didn't quite understand Cid's keeping her alive. Why didn't he just kill her?

Caius nodded slowly, quietly processing her response. Then he looked at his watch. "We have but a few minutes left, if you would prefer, we could continue this tomorrow."

"I think that's a good idea. Thanks, doctor."

"You're welcome."

(-)

Tomorrow would come per the usual, Claire coming through his office door right on time, but without the same confidence and ease she had yesterday. Clearly she was bothered.

"I'd ask if you're all right, but I'd imagine that to be a rather foolish question." and while his tone was somewhat neutral, his face was set sympathetically.

"I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I've just been thinking a lot...remembering things."

"Oh?" Dr. Ballad switched on the recorder, the device fumbled in his hands momentarily. "Anything you would like to talk about?"

"Nothing you haven't heard." Claire sat down, putting her hand to Terminus' back as he perched on the arm of the chair.

"Well, it isn't uncommon for memories to surface when discussing related events. But this is actually a good sign. Your mind is being persuaded to dig things up, things you had forgotten were there."

"Does that mean I could still remember my mom?"

"The prospects are looking better." he nodded, hoping to assure her. She seemed pleased with his response. "Was there anything else? Any new stress at home or within the family?"

"What? No, no, I don't think so. We can get started if you want."

"All right. I'm going to give you a push today." and there was no debating it. It wasn't a cautioning to what might be, it was a warning of what was coming.

"Okay."

"If I overstep my boundaries, please let me know. I may not back off, but I need to know where your limits are."

Another nod and a breath. "I'm ready."

"Good. Now, I'm to understand that you escaped Cid twice, correct?" he watched her nod again. "The first time it was unintentional, but not the second I'll assume."

"That's true."

"Tell me about that. Tell me how you came to the conclusion that he could no longer own you and what it felt like. Give me as detailed a picture of the event as you can."

Damn, that was a tall order. Right out of the gate too. She couldn't begin to answer straight away, which didn't seem to surprise Dr. Ballad in the least. But he was patient.

"It was surreal...is that the right word? Like, you knew it was happening but you couldn't quite believe it?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Okay, thank you. But it was surreal," she repeated. "After having lived with Yun and the others for a while I had almost convinced myself Cid was dead. If I had known his name I could have told them and...maybe I wouldn't have had to go back...but that's beside the point."

"How did Cid find you?"

"Yun said he had the police force in his back pocket, I suppose you understand that better than I did at the time. I guess an officer spotted me out and about somewhere and told him about it. I wasn't arrested, at least not by the letter. I had handcuffs put on me and I was put in a cell at the police department. I destroyed it. I was so angry." She felt her heart clenching at the memory, how she fought with half a dozen officers from the cruiser that brought her there all the way to cell they locked her in. It clenched at the echoes of her own screams for help, and the flashes of Yun's face as she watched, the hopelessness in her eyes. "That's where he came to get me. And it was strange. I knew... I felt it in my guts that I shouldn't go with him, but just the sight of him took the fight out of me. He called me, and I came."

Lightning, come.

A little wince.

"Undoing such long term conditioning isn't easy."

"So I learned." she nodded, though her tone was a little indignant. Sometimes she hated it when people stated the obvious. "He put me back in the cage... he put me there and I let him." her brow knitted. "But it didn't feel safe anymore, didn't feel like home. I could finally see the life I was living for what it really was. It made me sick."

"What did you do?"

"I had a lot of time to sit with my anger...my frustration, time to accept them for what they were...that they had resurfaced. But I didn't know how to handle it. I was...Serah calls it destructive." she shook her head. "I probably sound stupid, the way I say these things, but I'm not."

"The thought never crossed my mind. Perhaps just unfamiliar. I still understand what you're trying to say."

"Oh." surprise was evident on her face, and for a brief moment it felt like eating crow. "I'm sorry."

"It's quite all right. Please continue."

She cleared her throat, a chance to get the thoughts back together. "I was with him for a week. I fell right back into my usual routine without any trouble, but I think Cid had a feeling things weren't the same anymore. I think he knew...I don't know." there was no way to describe it. "Whatever it was, he didn't believe it."

"What makes you say that?"

"He was so confident." She paused as Terminus stretched beside her and reached into her lap. He did three circles, paws kneading, and then curled up. "He meant for me to fight that weekend, like nothing had happened. Cid never expected me to take advantage of it."

"You waited until he took you out of the cage."

"Exactly. Worst case scenario, he would kill me on the spot. I knew he had no qualms about that. But at the very least, I could run away from him. Once I was outside. But I didn't have the balls to do it until we were already miles from nowhere."

"Farell Municipal Hospital?"

"Yeah."

"I read the article. A lot of arrests were made that night, Cid's included. Though I remember he was promptly hospitalized before he was incarcerated. Your courtesy, I imagine?"

She nodded, showing neither noticeable pride nor shame.

"I would like to know how he came about those injuries."

"I told him no." she began after a bracing breath. "The first thing I had said to him in fifteen years. Give or take. 'No more killing' I said, looking him in the eye. Then he pushed me face-first into the wall and put a gun to my head, reminding me of my place."

"Were you afraid?"

"To die? No. I mean, out of reflex I was scared because Cid was angry, but I wasn't worried about dying. I was faced with the prospect every day, why should that moment have been any different?"

"Fair enough."

"Cid was willing to forgive me." she continued. "Even good dogs make mistakes, you know? But...I didn't want it. I just wanted to be rid of him, whatever that entailed. When I denied him again, he just laid into me...he'd never hit me so hard before." Claire remembered it clearly. "Then Yun came. She was there to save me. Again."

Caius would see, even feel a distinct change in Claire when the detective's name came up. The tension in her shifted, softened, and then her expression morphed into something akin to pain.

"What's wrong?"

"Thinking. I hadn't expected her to come."

"Yun?"

"Yeah. There was no way she could've known where I was -at least as far as I knew- but I thought she didn't care anymore. She had let Cid take me back, and that had made me angry. I thought she had abandoned me."

"I see." he reached into one of the other drawers in his desk and passed forward a box of tissues. Poor girl looked on the verge of tears, a shimmering having started in the corner of her eyes.

Claire took it without argument. "I, uh," she had to swallow, "I had wished she was dead. Deep in my heart, you know? Later I thought myself so immature."

"In a way, I could understand you feeling that way."

"But that doesn't make it right!" she reigned herself back in. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's okay. Emoting is part of the process, don't apologize for that."

She thought his response odd, but accepted it anyway. "But...I almost got my wish. Cid sicked me on her."

Caius felt himself tense.

"I almost killed her myself." and that's when the tears came. "I knew...I knew she wouldn't fight back. I knew she was my best friend but I couldn't stop." Terminus jumped down from her lap as her body started leaning slightly forward, the volume of her voice becoming too much to sleep to. "I hit her again and again, I didn't even have to think about it." She put her face in her hands, her body shuddering as she tried sucking down the sobs trying to twist free. "I never wanted to hurt her."

Dr. Ballad had questions, comments, but he kept them to himself. She needed a moment, and she deserved his compassion more than his treatment right now.

Claire physically struggled to control herself, at last taking advantage of the tissues to dry her now puffy eyes. "I broke her jaw and chipped a tooth before I... stopped myself. My body didn't want to, but I managed somehow. I told Cid no again, my fist still clenched and everything. I still don't know how I did it. The collar was off...I shouldn't have been able to."

"What happened next?" he was dying to know, but he was also trying to keep her focused.

"Yun fought with him...I watched. At least I think I did. Sometimes I'm not sure if some of my memories are real or if my head is just trying to fill spaces in...if that makes any sense. But it was strange. It took his authority away. Cid bled in front of me, just like I had countless times before. He wasn't above me anymore, he was my equal. Then he shot Yun... I thought she was dead."

"Is that when you, to put it gently, returned Cid's kindness?"

"When he grabbed the collar, trying to force me to follow him," she paused, thinking back, "I bit him. I bit his hand and I wouldn't let go. And once I started...well," she didn't finish, feeling there was no real need. "It wasn't until it was all over that I really understood what guilt was. I could feel it."

"Would I be too bold to assume that it's an emotion you still struggle with?"

"Not at all. In the beginning...before Yun and I had to move, I was convinced it was at the core of my problems."

"You shouldn't think you were wrong. It just wasn't the entire picture, it seems."

"Maybe."

"There's rarely ever one thing that can be considered a cause for your disorder. Yes, its manifestation can be traced to particular events, particular triggers, but otherwise it can be any number of things." he explained carefully, doing his best not to sound correcting or lecturing. "Have you hurt anyone else since then?"

Claire looked at him, despair lacing her features, eyes wide. An expression that begged how he could possibly have heart enough to ask such a question.

Claire felt that she probably looked a fool gaping at him like that, and pulled the feelings back down. She wiped her eyes again and cleared her throat. "Yeah. Twice."

"Who?" Caius watched her cringe, belying the answer he thought to get.

"Yun." The tears were pushing back up again, and she didn't want them to. Already sick of crying.

Author's Note: Another dialogue binge, I know. I also know it seems like I just chopped it off at the knees, too, but I'm about to get into some deeper stuff which would have just made this chapter longer than I would like. I know YOU folks wouldn't mind that in the least, but I would. As always, thanks for the support and I hope you guys are still enjoying yourselves. And thanks for the feedback to those who offered. Be sure to keep a look out for my notice on the Twenty Questions thing. In case you're new to the idea, once the fic is nearing completion, I'll be collecting questions from you fine folks in the audience to put into a video which I intend to post to youtube. So boil your noodles if you would be so kind. Questions can be about anything, be it about the story or of a more personal nature, but remember that I do it all at my own discretion. Thanks folks, see you next chapter.