One minute, Damian and I are messing each other around and the next his lips are on mine. All I can do is pull away in surprise. What just happened?
Damian and I have always been close. But never this close. It feels wrong. Not because Damian has kissed me but because I'm with someone. Macy. I have essentially cheated on Macy without my control. My lips feel alive with connection but I'm sick to my stomach with guilt. This feeling reflects in my eyes and Damian's blue eyes go stormy as he evaluates my reaction. He's as surprised by the kiss as I am.
Before I can explain my negative reaction, he runs out the door after muttering, "I'm sorry."
I want to run after him but I'm rooted to the spot. Shock has taken over my motor skills. I lay on the ground in thought for the next couple of hours. I can't imagine the kind of pain and confusion that Damian is in. I feel awful but I have to wait for Macy to come home. It wouldn't be fair to her otherwise.
The way that Damian has been acting around Macy suddenly makes perfect sense. Well, sort of. I don't know exactly how Damian is feeling so I can't say for sure if he was jealous of Macy and I. If he does feel the way about me that I think he does, I can't imagine how much it hurt him to see us together. Having her here was never a fair option, if only he had told me before. But it's his right to have kept his feelings a secret.
"What are y'all doing on the floor?" Macy asks as she walks into the apartment. She giggles and then walks over to me, crouching down to my level.
Should I just tell her the truth? That wouldn't be very fair to Damian. It's not exactly my secret to tell. I hesitate before saying, "I decided to try a new… angle for song writing."
She laughs at me and then helps me up. It's a weak lie but even if she takes it as a joke, she seems to accept it.
"Where's Damian? Trying to make the Lindsay situation better? God, that was awful." Macy gossips, putting one hand onto the kitchen counter.
For some reason this makes me angry. He obviously didn't mean to hurt Lindsay. He might've just been confused.
"I don't know where he is. But have some respect, Mace. He's obviously going through something. So stop being so judgemental." I snap, heat rising to my cheeks.
She is taken aback by my reaction. She's used to me always agreeing with her and being on her side. Not this time. Not when it involves my best friend. Not when it's about Damian, who is going through something she will never be able to understand.
Macy is as close to perfection as there is. Not until now do I notice it. But with this perfection, comes a great personality flaw: she's completely unaware when she's wrong. When she has made a mistake. That's when I realize I don't want perfection. I want the farthest from it. But it'd be cruel to tell that to her now, it would just confuse her. It would only cause more pain.
"Somebody's defensive." She complains, flipping part of her curly blond hair over her shoulder.
Macy really is beautiful. She could be the person in pictures next to me that make people envy me. But maybe that's not what I want either. I have often imagined what it would be like to spend my life with Macy. It's exactly what my mom and dad expect of us. She's been my longest girlfriend and she used to be the closest thing to a best friend. I was never really good friends with guys but I trusted Macy. Trusted. Do I not trust her now?
Damian's my best friend. Now that I have moved away from Texas, he's my constant. Back in Texas, that's what Macy was. She was always there for me, no matter what happened. But now, when I call her, we both feign excitement and relief to hear each other's voices but in reality, we just serve as a distraction from each other's new lives. It's rather depressing, really.
She's right here in front of me now. The girl I'm supposed to long for. The one I 'love'. But all I can think about is Damian. My best friend with those sad eyes of his, in pain. The pain I caused him. By just being me. The pain caused by the look I gave him. The look was only sprouted from guilt and nothing else because I'm attached. To Macy.
I can barely stand to look at her. My frustration is boiling over but I contain myself. I am not willing to cause any more hurt today. So, I go through the motions of the happy go lucky boyfriend. She leaves in two days. I can pretend until then.
We go to dinner but still, the thoughts of Damian plague my mind. I don't even deny them any longer. Tomorrow, I need to find him. When we return home, we go to sleep without even saying good night to each other. This is the beginning of an ending.
I rest my head on my pillow and consider calling Damian. I leave it until morning and send him a simple text:
Can we talk?