DA SEE-SEK 'EADKWATERZ
Khalisa T'Silani was an aspiring reporter fresh out of university, proud owner of a third class journalism degree and the uncanny ability to, as she liked to put it, 'get under the skin' of anyone she was pointed at by the third rate tabloid organisation Westerlund News. She was also possessed of the cripplingly hazardous combination of lots of ambition, very little talent and even less common sense. Which was why she was lying in wait at the bottom of the elevator leading into C-sec HQ, preparing to ambush an exceptionally ill-tempered Ork who could not be held legally accountable for anything he might choose to do to her.
She grinned in anticipation of the coming headlines as the elevator door slid open, disgorging the Spectre and a couple of his companions.
"... kleerly doin' it rong. Ya jus' tikkul 'im on da stummuk, 'e luvs dat."
"Yes, but his teeth are usually between me and his stomach."
The Turian gestured at the squig perched on Sheppurt's shoulder, which belched loudly and started chewing on the Spectre's ear.
"Kut dat owt, Deffchompa. 'Ere, 'ave a nashy rok."
The squig, apparently called Deffchompa, exchanged Sheppurt's ear for a small boulder the Ork fished out of one of his pockets. Khalisa moved to intercept, readying her camera drone.
"Kommando Shepp *urk*"
She picked herself off the floor, dusting off her dress and shaking her fist impotently at the Spectre's retreating back.
"You bastard!"
She turned to glare at her camera drone, which was winking its recording light on and off as if laughing at the sight of her getting mown down by the unstoppable bulk of the Ork, apparently without him noticing.
"Shut up."
The drone wisely subsided as she went back to staring speculatively at the elevator the Spectre and his crew had just disappeared into. It would be tougher than she thought, but she was nothing if not persistent.
DA ORKY EMBAZZY
Sheppurt rolled his eyes at the smashy sounds coming out of the embassy as the flustered Asari receptionist grimaced apologetically.
"Ambassador Oodina is currently in a vid call with the Hanar ambassador."
Sheppurt resisted the urge to rub his forehead.
"Zoggit. 'E'll be even moar of a dikk dan ushul den."
The Asari giggled, then almost jumped clean out of her seat at the staticky squeal that blasted out of the talky-majik.
"OY BOUNSY, SEN' DAT ZOGGIN' KOMMANDO IN 'ERE RITE KWIK!"
Before the startled receptionist could respond, Sheppurt leaned over the desk, jabbing one meaty finger down on the transmit button.
"I'Z RITE DA ZOG 'ERE, YA ZOGGIN' SQUIGBRAIN! WOT DA ZOG DUZ YA WANT!"
"TAKE DAT SQUIG OUT YER PISS'OLE AN' GET IN 'ERE, YA STANKY GIT!"
"'OW ABOUT YOU GET OUT 'ERE, YA YOOSELESS SNOTLING-ZOGGA!"
The two Orks abandoned coherent language at that point, roaring bestially into the talky-majik as the receptionist started quietly weeping. Eventually Tali clubbed Sheppurt over the head with the blunt side of her choppa.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HE'S IN THERE, GO SMASH HIM!"
With a basso roar that could shave the scales off a Thresher Maw, Sheppurt charged past the catatonic receptionist, Ash, Kadun and Wrex all following him with shouts of gleeful encouragement. Tali clapped a hand over her mouth in the ensuing shocked silence.
"Oh Keelah, what have I done?"
Any response was forestalled by a sudden crunching sound. The Volus ambassador came rolling down the corridor, whimpering, flailing impotently and trying to right himself as a deep, monotonous yet booming voice echoed across the Presidium.
"WITH SUDDEN BATTLE LUST: WAAAGH EXCLAMATION MARK."
Garrus and Liara exchanged a glance and shrugged.
"Only one thing for it, I guess."
Liara thrust her weirdstikk into the air.
"WAAAAGH!"
DA PRESIDDIYUM
Khalisa T'Silani examined her dress one more time for lint left over from her unexpected turfing in C-sec as her camera drone bobbed alongside her.
"Right. This is Khalisa T'Silani with Westerlund News. Today we have an exclusive interview with the first Ork Spectre, Kommando Sheppurt ..."
She yelped as the Kommando in question stomped out of the embassies, his left hand wrapped around the wrist of his own severed right arm, which he was brandishing like a crude club. His ever-present pet Squig was bouncing up and down on top of his head, a gleeful air about both the Kommando and his pet.
"An' den I was loik Smash Smash Suh-Mash! An' 'e wen' flyin! Flyin!"
An Asari with a truly ugly looking cybork arm ending in a power claw tried to intercept the Spectre.
"Come on Sheppurt, we need to get the dok before you accidentally fling your arm into the Presidium lake!"
She yelped and ducked as the arm in question sailed through the air, having slipped out of Sheppurt's blood-slicked grasp. Khalisa's eyes widened in alarm as it sailed straight towards her.
With a wet SPLOTCH!, the soggy end of Sheppurt's severed arm impacted her right on the chest, limply dropping to the ground as its not inconsiderable momentum was transferred to her. She felt herself become airborne, then the metal of the railing hit the small of her back. Squawking in indignation, she could do nothing but scream in rage as she flipped over the railing and plummeted into the Presidium lake.
Sheppurt sheepishly took the arm that Liara shoved into his hand with an exasperated huff.
"Woo. Lukky dat bounsy was dere, ay!"
The look she gave him was singularly unamused.
"Dok. Now."
Khalisa fished herself out of the lake, looking in disbelief at the bright red Orkish bloodstain on her formerly very nice and now waterlogged dress. Then she looked up at her camera drone, which had caught the entire incident and broadcasted it live to the Westerlund News studio. She could practically hear the anchors collapsing into gales of laughter along with all forty million viewers.
Her biotics flared up unbidden as she held up her clenched fists to the ceiling.
"SHEPPURT!"
IN DA TAXY
The cab weaved through traffic as the occupants checked things off their to-do list.
"So we've resupplied our ammunition, sorted out Sheppurt's arm, stop picking at the stitches, so all we need to do is drop off this Geth transceiver at the mek shop."
Sheppurt nodded, dislodging Deffchompa from his head. The squig dropped into Liara's lap, who started frantically petting its stomach before it righted itself and ate her.
"Gud. Da soona we finish dese errundz, da soona we kan get bak out dere an' afta Sarrun. Spikkin' o' gettin' bak out dere, we shud go fer drinks sum time. Wot duz you'z say ta a nite at Fluks sum time?"
Sheppurt's question triggered a silent but frantic bout of elbowing in the back seats as the passengers fought over who would break the bad news to their commander. Eventually Ash, caught between Kadun's weirdstikk and Liara's cybork elbow, capitulated.
"Uh, Boss, duz ya rammemba wot 'appened da las' time we's wen' ta Fluks?"
"O' kors I duzzent. Dat's da point of da alkaholez."
"Um ... Ya mite 'ave tried ta fite wun of da gamblin' contrapzhuns an' broke, loik, free taybulz an' a winder. We's bin banned fer life."
"YA WOT!"
The passengers ducked down to avoid Sheppurt's rage induced flailings.
"Carm down boss! We's jus' go sum uvver plase!"
"Wot abbout da Koraz Den?"
"We blowed dat wun up."
"Oh yeh. An' da Dark Star?"
"Ain't no Orks allowed enny more."
"Well zoggum! An' da Purgachree?"
Kadun cut in.
"Me an' da boss got banned afta da famus rolla-bolla insident."
"Hur hur, dat wos funny."
Tali sighed and rubbed her temples, an action she was doing more and more the longer she spent with Sheppurt and his crew.
"Are there any bars you aren't banned from?"
Sheppurt shrugged.
"Dere ain't no un-Orky wuns, kum ta fink of it."
Wrex shrugged.
"I've been to Ork pubs before, they're good fun."
Liara and Tali exchanged glances.
"I'd be up for that."
"Me too."
"Les all go ta da Burna-Boyz Bum'ole. Bes' squig beer on da Citadel, an' dey 'ave a speshul deal on burny-waawaa shotz."
Garrus whimpered pathetically.
IN DA SKY-TRUKK
Khalisa T'Silani snarled as she wove her skycar through the traffic of Tayseri Ward's rush hour, tracking the taxi that contained her elusive quarry. After the embarrassment of getting knocked into the Presidium lake by the detached arm of the Ork she was trying to interview, she was fixated on finding him and extracting her promised exclusive.
She caught a glimpse of the taxi in question, distinguished by the large green passengers flailing around and making the vehicle rock drunkenly from side to side. With an expression on her face that wouldn't look out of place on a Krogan berserker presented with a roomful of sleeping Salarians, she gunned the engine of her vehicle.
She only registered the C-sec cruiser pulling alongside her after it blared its siren at her. She met the stern gaze of the Turian driver, who indicated clearly for her to pull over as soon as possible.
She looked between the C-sec cruiser and the taxi several times, the Turian's eyes widening as her expression grew more and more manic.
She jammed the accelerator down all the way.
DA DOKKIN' BAY
Sheppurt cracked his neck, glad to be out of the cramped confines of the taxi which had regrettably not been designed for Orks. Beside him, his team clambered out and brushed themselves off, a significant amount of dust having been dislodged by the taxi's semi-controlled flailings.
"Rite den, bak ... Wot da zog ..."
The skycar accelerating rapidly towards the docking platform was trailing thin smoke, several dents and scratches visible that looked like it had careened off several objects. It was a miracle it was still flying, especially considering the C-sec gunship intermittently firing warning shots over the roof. The driver was an oddly familiar looking Asari, her face contorted into a manic rictus of raw need that a red sand addict in the ninth day of withdrawal would be proud of.
"Ay Bounsy, 'oo is dat?"
Liara shrugged, her cybork arm clanking as she indicated she had no idea.
"She looks proppa krazz."
The skycar arced downwards, smashing into the other end of the docking platform. Undeterred by totalling her vehicle, the Asari leaped out, followed by a traumatised looking camera drone.
"KOMMANDO SHEPPURT, I WILL HAVE MY INTERVIEW!"
She stormed up and got right in the face of the thoroughly confused Spectre.
"IS IT TRUE YOU ARE CHEATING ON COUNCILLOR SPARATUS WITH YOUR SECRET UNDERAGE HANAR SEX SLAVE?"
Considering this question had been bellowed at a decent battle cry volume less than two inches from his face, it was unsurprising that his ears hadn't stopped ringing before the next question in the 'interview'.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENT ON BETRAYING THE COUNCIL'S INTERESTS TO THE COUNCIL'S SECRET INTERESTS?"
"Wot?"
"ARE YOU A SECRET HOMOSEXUAL HETEROSEXUAL DRUG ADDICTED PORN STAR?"
"Em ... Fink dis bounsy be borked, lads."
The appearance of several C-sec riot officers at the end of the docking platform in full gear didn't dissuade the mentally unstable reporter in the slightest.
"SECRET GOVERNMENT UPLIFT PROGRAMS! GRAND CONSPIRACY IN THE COUNCIL TO COVER UP DIN KORLACK SEX DWARF EATEN BY PYJAKS! GAG ORDERS!"
Her tirade of fantastical tabloidisation was cut short by twenty thousand volts courtesy of the C-sec riot team, who had finally got into range after cautiously advancing with their shields locked together. Sheppurt reached up and wiped a copious amount of Asari spittle off his face.
"Fanks fer dat, lads."
The sergeant in charge of the squad nodded at the Spectre.
"No thanks necessary. I've been wanting to do that for years."
Now restrained with four sets of handcuffs, the unconscious Asari was dragged away as Tali plucked her camera drone out of the air.
"Aren't you adorable?"
Her initial cutesy coo was replaced by a tone as saccharine as it was malicious.
"I think it's time for some ... kustomizazhunz ..."
The drone chose that moment to lose power in a passable imitation of a dead faint. Sheppurt shook his head, still trying to work out what had just happened.
"Alrite, bak on da kroozer. We's got gubbinz ta do."
GLOSSARY
Rolla-bolla: A popular Orkish game where participants take it in turns to throw a Volus, usually an unsuspecting passer by, into a large crowd to see who can knock down the most people.
Burny-Waawaa: Popular Orkish term for Ryncol. Believed to be a direct translation of the original Krogan name, Ryn 'gh Kol (Tears of Fire), but may also be a derisive description of the effects it has on most species.
Krazz: Crazy, insane or manic even by Orkish standards.