Chapter 12
Neal picked Hope up as agreed at the sound of the school bell and they drove over to Manhattan to spend an hour together at the Children's Museum. She was obviously delighted to be spending time with her dad especially in this type of setting. She fluttered from one exhibit to the next, exuberant and excited as Neal pointed out the various pieces and their artists. Whenever he shared time with Hope doing something they both enjoyed, the interactions between them flowed effortlessly and he hoped that he could continue to hit the right notes with his daughter.
He looked at the time, realizing that Sara would be getting off work soon and he packed Hope up in the car and headed over to Sterling Bosch to surprise her with a drive home. It was insane to drive in Manhattan at rush hour but he plowed through and as he drove up, he saw Sara trudging along the sidewalk on her way to the train to take her back to White Plains.
'What are you two doing here?' she asked as she struggled to climb into the car. It was getting harder and harder for Sara to move around and Neal was still finding it odd to see her in her present state, although he thought she was even sexier than she'd been before.
'Just a little surprise' said Neal with a sly smile 'Huh, Hope?'
'Mommy! Daddy took me to the museum!' she called loudly from the back seat
'I know, lucky girl! So what are we doing about dinner?' Sara asked with a long sigh
Neal could tell she was exhausted. 'How about we pick something up and go home and watch a movie?' he suggested, off the cuff.
'Yay! Movie night' screamed Hope and he realized that this must be something they did from time to time.
Sara picked the food (Thai) and Hope picked the movie (Monsters Inc) and they settled in to watch and eat. By 8:00, Hope had fallen asleep and Neal sat rubbing Sara's feet to try to bring the inevitable swelling down. He was feeling good, settled, and he decided to just go with the flow and enjoy the moment, as foreign as it was to the life he remembered.
Sara sat up and struggling slightly, she pulled herself onto his lap as she slid her arms around his neck. God, she looked amazing and Neal wanted to make love to her so badly. She pulled him in slightly and instantly, she was kissing him in a way that left no doubt as to her intentions.
'I thought you were tired' said Neal, trying to play it cool and Caffrey-like
'Not that tired' she said as she began to move on to his neck. Neal wrapped his good arm around her girth, feeling the warmth of her belly against him and he could feel himself stirring despite his resolve. He glanced over at their daughter who was sound asleep on the other couch and pulled Sara in for a deep, probing kiss.
'I'm not sure this is a good idea' he said, as he came up for air
'Why not?' she asked
Neal lifted up his arm, drawing attention to his cast and shrugged
'That's getting old, Neal' Sara said softly 'What's really going on?'
'I don't want to hurt you' he said simply, staring into her eyes
'I told you, you can't hurt the baby, it's okay' she responded as she resumed kissing his neck... his ear... his mouth
Neal pulled away 'That's not what I meant' he said.
'What? You're not sure how you feel about me?' she asked, obviously hurt
'I just need a little more time' he said softly and he could see the longing and ache in her eyes and it broke his heart.
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Saturday dawned, their first weekend as a family (at least in Neal's world) and there were lots of 'family oriented' things to do. Neal thought back to the Saturdays he used to have, living at June's. He'd sleep in and maybe do some painting or get together with Mozzie. Sometimes he would have plans with Sara in the evening or he would pop in to visit the Burkes.
Suddenly, there was all this stuff that needed doing. Hope had been invited to her friend, Rosalie's birthday party, there were errands to run and he had to get things sorted for their dinner with the Burkes.
Sara was still looking exhausted so Neal offered to run Hope over to her friend's and pick up some groceries on the way back. Although she was putting on a brave face, Sara still seemed upset about Neal's rebuff from the night before. They had talked it out and he had tried his best to explain that, as much as he cared for her, he needed to work things out for himself before moving on to another level in their relationship. They had gone to sleep, holding each other, each wrapped up in their private thoughts.
He loaded Hope into the car and took off to run his errands. As he settled behind the wheel, he thought again about how strange it was to be living in suburbia and driving around in an SUV. Living in Manhattan meant hardly ever driving anywhere and he had always gotten around New York on foot or by using cabs.
The party ended at four and it was only 3:00 by the time Neal finished picking up groceries, so he figured he had time to run home and drop everything off before returning for Hope. He walked into the house noticing just how quiet it was – Sara must be napping, he thought as he quietly brought his purchases into the kitchen. He tiptoed upstairs and as he did, he could hear a soft whimpering noise coming from their bedroom. As he got closer, he realized that it was Sara, crying softly as she lay on their bed. He froze momentarily, feeling like crap and wondering if it was better to go in and talk to her or to give her some privacy; Sara was headstrong and she hated showing signs of weakness. Deciding on the latter, he retreated down the stairs quietly, opening and closing the front door as he walked past it.
'I'm back' he called. He hated to see Sara like this but he also knew that she needed to work all this out for herself. The changes in his behavior since he'd come home were hard on her and he knew she was finding his return difficult.
Within a few minutes, she came down, looking put together and she began poking around in the grocery bags Neal had just brought in.
'So, what did you decide on for dinner?' she asked, nonchalantly
'I went with pork, is that okay?'
'Sounds good. Oh, make that really nice recipe with cranberries' she suggested
'Sure' said Neal, he wasn't sure what that 'really nice recipe with cranberries' was but he'd figure it out
'So what time are Peter and Elizabeth coming over?' he asked as he continued to put things away with his one good arm
'I told them seven if that's okay with you. I thought we could feed Hope and send her off to bed with Satchmo and we could have dinner just the four of us – like old times'
'Sounds good. Oh, speaking of Hope, I'd better get going' said Neal as he gave Sara a quick peck and headed back out.
Dinner was nice – it felt almost normal. Neal had brought Sara over to dinner at the Burkes on a few occasions and he could tell by their interactions that the intervening years had helped solidify their friendship. He was particularly aware of how close Elizabeth and Sara seemed to be and he thought that was a good thing. Sara and Peter insisted on doing the clean-up so Elizabeth and Neal settled down in the living room with their coffee and Armagnac.
'So, how are you, really?' asked Elizabeth. She could always see right through him.
'Mmm, you know – it takes some getting used to' said Neal
Elizabeth nodded with a sad look in her eyes. 'The saddest part for me is that you two have been through so much and you're so strong but you just don't remember that right now'
'Tell me about what we've been through' asked Neal, needing to understand
'Wow, where do I start? Well, Sara got pregnant quite by accident and she wasn't even going to tell you about it but you found out and everything seemed to change from then on. I remember one night at our place – you were so outraged that Sara was considering having an abortion without telling you. You instantly became this protective, doting father to be. You told me once that that was when you first realized you were in love with Sara.'
Elizabeth continued: 'You were on the internet every day, researching her pregnancy – every time we got together, you would go on about the baby's size, the fact that she had fingerprints, that she could hear music... on and on and on. But Sara loved it; she told me that every night you would lie in bed and talk and sing to the baby. That's when you really started to change – your capers didn't seem to mean as much to you, it seemed. And then, you two just got closer and closer and a few weeks before Hope was born, you proposed.'
'How did I propose?' he asked
She laughed. 'You remember the night on the roof of the FBI building when you took Sara up there?'
'Sure. I think I was falling for her already – even though I was conning her at the time' he said, thinking back
'Well, on the night you proposed you ordered takeout – the same exact menu as the night on the FBI roof – and you slipped her a fortune cookie with the words 'Will you marry me? while you flashed her an engagement ring.'
Neal smiled as he listened – the story seemed distant but familiar.
'And then, Hope was born and a few months later you were married at June's'
Neal let out a huge sigh. 'I'm angry, Elizabeth. I want all those precious memories back. It's not fair' he said, his voice full of emotion
'I know, sweetie. It isn't fair but it doesn't change that you and Sara still have each other' Elizabeth said, taking his hand
'But how can we share a life when we can't share the memories of what's made us what we are?'
'Well, some of it is coming back and more memories might still come but more importantly, if you decide you want your life back, then you just have to start rebuilding with new memories. You've already got some new memories just in the last week'
Neal nodded; there was still so much more he wanted to know about his life with Sara and Hope.
'Elizabeth, did Sara have a miscarriage?' asked Neal, suddenly serious
'I think maybe you should be asking Sara, don't you?' she asked looking him in the eye
'I don't want to upset her' said Neal 'but I need to know'
'Three years ago, Sara got very sick and you went through a really rough time'
Neal stared off in the distance and Elizabeth could see a memory forming in his eyes.
'She – had – cancer' he said slowly wondering where that had come from. 'Wow, that's what she meant – the chemo ladies' he continued, lost in his thoughts
'What?' asked Elizabeth
They were interrupted by laughter as Peter and Sara joined them. Neal was drawn to Sara's beautiful eyes once again, seeing the beauty and strength that had attracted him to her in the first place.
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Later, Neal and Sara lay together in bed as everything grew quiet.
'I bumped into a friend of yours yesterday at the toy store' Neal said quietly as he held Sara
'Oh yeah, who?' she asked, enjoying Neal's arms around her
'One of your chemo ladies' he said
'Oh - I guess you want to hear about that, huh?'
'Well, I think I've figured it out but I wouldn't mind if you filled in the blanks...' he answered
'It was three years ago. We were trying to have another baby but we weren't having any luck. I found out I had ovarian cancer'
'Janet...' Neal said, almost a whisper
'You remember Janet?' she asked
'Yeah, I do' Neal's mind was in overdrive as various bits and pieces started to come together
'Just before my surgery, we found out I was going to have a baby and I couldn't have the chemo treatments while I was still pregnant. You and I argued; you were adamant that I should have the treatments and I didn't want to give up the baby.'
She stopped as she looked into Neal eyes. 'It was the only night since we've lived in this house that we didn't sleep in this bed together.' Sara's voice was quiet and full of emotion.
Neal pulled her in tightly against his chest.
'You lost the baby. That was what I saw' he said, suddenly
'You saw?'
'I had a flashback – you were sitting there in the chair and I was changing the sheets on the bed. I didn't know what it was at first but now I understand'
Sara sighed, remembering.
'I'm sorry, for bringing it up' he whispered as he held her closer
'Oh, Neal, I think about it all the time. And you were there with me then; I wasn't alone. We got through all that together and we survived and our marriage was even stronger after that. And now, despite the odds, we're having this beautiful baby boy and you've been so excited since I found out I was pregnant'
Neal smiled at this and kissed her forehead. 'I am excited Sara. Don't worry - I promise that no matter what, I'll always be there for the baby – and for Hope'
They lay for a while in silence and Sara couldn't help but wonder if they would survive this or if the fates had finally found a way of pulling them apart.
TBC