As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I grateful for being able to play with Bella and Edward, and wish I could really play with Edward but for now am stuck in my fantasy world!

Previously

"Yes Edward we can talk, but I need to say a few things to the peanut gallery out there first." And with that I walked out into the living room to give the others a piece of my mind.

Chapter 12: Life After You

I walked in and everyone was whispering to each other, so while I wasn't a paranoid person, I knew they were talking about me. Why else whisper?

"Uhmmm," I cleared my throat to get their attention, and all heads popped up in my direction.

"Bella, uhm, we were just…" Alice started, but I held my hand up to cut her off.

"Save it. I don't want to hear any of it." I snapped at the room. I was done with everyone else interfering in my life.

"Listen, and listen good, please." I began with my voice shaking. I was not good with confrontation.

"I've said this before, but I'm saying it again, so you really understand. ALL of you," I waved my arms around the room for emphasis, "need to stay out of my business. You have all spent the last I don't know how long telling me how fucked up this whole thing is. Like I actually need you tell me. I got that long before you even knew what was going on." Emmett stuttered trying to interject but one hard glare in his direction quickly shut him up.

"Again people since you can't seem to get it. Whatever happens from this point forward between Edward and me is NONE. OF. YOUR. FUCKING. BUSINESS." I emphasized each word so I was sure they would get the point. "I would suggest that if you don't live here, you leave, immediately. I have some personal business to attend to, and Rose, please forgive me for being rude in your home, but I really need time to figure this all out."

Even though I was pissed at her, Rose was ever the best friend.

"Bella, honey, Emmett and I are going to leave you here tonight and go get a hotel room." Emmett started to protest but when Rose raised an eyebrow to him in a dare, he quickly backed down. He's such a big, tough looking guy, but that woman owned him, and he knew it. The defeat in his eyes anytime Rose corrected him was almost comical.

Rose quickly cut off my protests as well, and before I had time to think, Edward and I were alone.

To say I was a little excited would be an understatement, but I was also terrified. I had no clue how to handle this. I had told myself that I would never settle again, but I knew that anyone outside of Edward would be settling. No one had ever made me feel the way he did. Whether it was the flying-high- nothing-can-stand-in- my-way feeling when he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me or the wanting-to-die feeling when he left me to go home to his wife, this man brought out emotions I didn't know were possible. These two extremes told me everything. The question was could I ever feel good about being with him again? I knew what I was getting myself into that first night. I had met his wife for Christ's sake, yet I still invited him in: into by body and into my soul. Yes, he was pushy as hell, but truthfully, he knew what I really wanted, and I couldn't truly blame him for not being any stronger than I was.

Edward was pacing the room, his hands alternating between running through his bronze locks and clinching at his side. He looked like a desperate man, and maybe he was.

I sat down on the edge of the ottoman in front of Emmett's favorite chair. The couch was not an option. It gave Edward the chance to get too close, and I knew that I stood as much of chance of resisting him now as I did that first night that now seems another life time ago.

"Bella," Edward stammered.

I stared down at my hands as I rubbed them together trying to calm myself. "Like that is happening," I whispered softly to myself.

"You know I love you, Bella. You have to know how much I love you." He was pleading with me at this point. "I know I didn't do everything right. Hell, I didn't do much of anything right if I'm really honest with myself." I took a chance and glanced up at him. His eyes were begging me to understand.

"From the moment I laid eyes on you in the club, something just clicked for me. You made me realize I was truly missing something in my life." He took a deep breath, and I saw a lone tear run down his cheek. "God knows I fucked everything up, but I will never, NEVER, regret that night, Bella. It is one of the happiest memories in my life. I think about the way you tried to convince yourself, and me, that it was wrong, and maybe it was, but I'd never felt so complete in my life, and that couldn't be wrong. I was never a believer in soul mates or love at first sight, but I know, deep down in my soul, that we were meant to find each other."

I was struggling to hold on as Edward continued to tell me how sorry he was for making me feel second best. I really couldn't hear half of what he said as I concentrated on each breath I took. I'd heard all the words before, but the actions just didn't match up. I needed to know why he thought what he did was ok.

"Edward," I interrupted his apology. "I just can't understand. Truly, how can you expect me to believe all of this when everything you did makes it seem like the exact opposite? You tell me it was always me, yet every time the phone rang, you answered it. Every time she called, you went running-even when you promised ME you'd stay. None of this makes any sense. How would you feel? I' mean what if the situation was reversed, and I was the one leaving you feeling like a second class citizen."

His sharp intake of breath made me realize that he wouldn't have handled with as much grace as I had. His reaction spurred me on.

"How could not understand that actions speak much louder than words? Your actions never made me feel like I was as important to you as Tanya."

He didn't even try to disagree. He knew it was the truth.

"Edward, I knew what I was getting into, and in the beginning, I thought I could handle it. I was wrong, but I probably would have never spoken up had you not answered the phone on my birthday. We'd probably still be carrying on in secret. So, honestly, I am glad you gave me the push I needed to end it."

"Bella, NO. I know I fucked up that night-I really did, and I'm not even sure I get my own reasoning anymore, but at the time, it made sense to me." He was back to pacing the floor with a vengeance. If he didn't stop tugging on his hair, he wasn't going to have any left. " In my mind, Bella, you and I had forever, and I felt so guilty about lying to Tanya and betraying her that I let her come between us. I never once left you because I was trying to put her first or because my feelings for her were more. It was out of pure guilt."

I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was fighting an all-out sob fest as he continued.

"Tanya was truly a wonderful woman and wife. Sure she could seem a little snobby and bitchy, but honestly, it was all part of her charm because she really wasn't." He looked at me sadly because he knew this would hurt me, but he also knew I needed to hear it. "When Tanya and I got married, I never dreamed it wouldn't be forever, Bella, but that's because I hadn't met you. And when you walked up those stairs that night, for the first time, I looked at my wife, the one I promised to love, honor, and cherish above all others in front of God and my family, and I saw flaws. I didn't see forever anymore. You captivated me before I ever spoke to you, and it both thrilled and scared me."

He took another deep breath and continued. "I know it seems like I was ready to throw my life away when I came back that night, but I thought if I could talk to you a little while I'd realize it was just the testosterone talking, and I'd be able to go home and live the life I thought I was supposed to. But, God, Bella, you were just so… so… Hell, I don't have a word for it." He sighed at the memory. "But, I knew when you ran into me on the way out of the club I was done for. You were it for me, and I had to make it happen."

I looked at him in confusion. None of this made sense to me.

He continued while looking in my eyes, his own eyes begging me to understand and let him get through it.

"I had no intentions of anything more than taking you home safely that night when I first suggested it. But you were stubborn, and the more you fought me, the more I wanted you. I needed you to feel what I did: the connection, the pull. I couldn't let you go without seeing if it was real for you, too. And, God, Bella, I know it was. From the second our lips touched, I knew you were my forever. I meant what I said that night; I needed you in my life. I know I didn't move fast enough, but I didn't want to hurt Tanya, and I did love her, Bella." He looked at me sadly because he knew by trying not to hurt her, he had destroyed us. "Bella, I never wanted to hurt you – please know that. I thought you were so sure of us, of what we had, that you would understand. And the thought you didn't trust enough in what we had hurt me, but I know now that was my fault and failure, not yours."

As hard as it was not to say anything, I knew that I had to let him get through this; I had to hear it all before I could make any decisions about the future.

"I know you never saw any of it and I know what you saw will make this hard to believe, but it was one of the reasons Tanya called so often. I'd been pulling away from her. Cracks were forming in our foundation, and she was scared. I was trying not to just walk in and say 'Tanya, I'm in love with someone I just met and want a divorce.' I know now that it would have been less cruel, to both of you, but hindsight is 20/20. I wanted you. No - I WANT you forever, and I always have, and even though I was an insensitive shit who fucked it all up, I'm selfish enough to ask you for it now."

He took a deep breath and finally sat down across from me on the sofa. His eyes were begging for understanding and for forgiveness. While part of me understood, I needed questions answered.

"Edward, you say all of this, but you went to marriage counseling with her. You left me that night, knowing that it was over and didn't fight for me. You went home to her, even knowing that if you walked out that door it was over. You never contacted me. You never did anything to make me think what you just told me is true. The only thing you did do was call me a whore." I regretted that before I even finished saying it.

He took a few calming breaths and began again.

"When I left you that night, I knew I couldn't keep doing that to you. I saw how bad I hurt you, and I needed to make everything right before I could ask anything of you." He took a deep breath again and continued. "I told Tanya everything that night I saw you…" A look of pain mixed with anger flashed across his face, and I knew what he remembering. "I was honest with her, and she told me she wouldn't let me go with a fight, so I agreed to counseling. After what I said to you the night before, I knew how much I had hurt you. I was pretty sure I didn't stand a chance of you ever forgiving me," he said wistfully. "I needed to figure out everything before we could move forward-the way we should have done it to begin with. When Emmett told me to stay away from you, I told him that he didn't understand, you weren't just an affair and that while I loved Tanya, it wasn't like the way I loved you. I tried to call and talk to you, but you refused to take my calls and then," he looked sadly up at me, "then you were gone. I spent that time getting my act together, trying to become the man I should have been for you all along. Bella, baby, let me show you how good it can be-how we can be. I love you. I've never stopped loving you, and I will NEVER stop loving you. You are my life. Please, Bella, let me prove that to you. I have no life with you."

I was sobbing uncontrollably by this point. I couldn't answer him. I couldn't because I didn't know how. While his explanation made sense, it didn't excuse anything. It didn't relieve the hurt he had caused me, and I didn't know if I could ever forgive him. Suddenly, I felt him in front of me, and then I felt his arms—oh, God, how I missed those arms. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole, so I let myself be weak in that moment. I didn't know if I could forgive him. I didn't know if I wanted to forgive him, but in that moment, I needed the comfort those arms could provide so I let him pick me up and hold me. I would deal with the consequences of that later.