Hi! This is chapter 13, so sorry for the delay, I have been doing exams all last week so I didn't have time to finish this chapter until this morning! Thank you for the reviews and comments on the last chapter, and hopefully those with registered accounts got my memo that there was a re-upload - no major plot changes but I did re-write most of it due to exam-brain spelling and grammar problems! If you haven't checked it out, you might want to :)

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Jangsty

Kate laid a blanket on the sand, flattening it out the best she could and emptying the contents out of her bag.

Jack was hovering next to her hesitantly, and clutching the container of pasta close to his chest, eyeing her and his surroundings. He couldn't remember ever coming here before.

She had brought him to a sedate little hide-away, closed off from the rest of the world by a high wall of boulders, that they had climbed over to reach the sand. Jack liked that, he didn't feel exposed, and it meant he was free to enjoy himself for once. Just him, and Kate. In addition to the rocks, they were closed in by the waves. Although, they weren't threatening, they weren't terrifying - they just were. They didn't crash against the shore, instead, the gently lapped on to soft sand.

"Well sit down." Kate chirped, patting the blanket and breaking the silence. Jack did so uncomfortably, setting his container down at the centre and sitting down at the left corner. He watched her open her own pack, unloading cookies, salami, cider, crackers and two guava. She looked at the various packages and screwed her face up, and Jack could tell she was wishing the food would miraculously turn into a cheeseburger and fries.

"It's a.. colourful selection tonight..." he said in a weak attempt at humour, but when he noticed Kate placing salami on top of crackers, he cringed as he wondered what she was expecting him to eat.

"There hasn't been a food drop for a few weeks - so we're down to the basics I'm afraid", She said with a cheeky smile, handing him the cracker and watching him closely.

Jack popped it into his mouth, and to his surprise it actually tasted good. He supposed weeks being deprived of adequate food must have given him the ability to eat anything.

No sooner had he finished the first one, Kate had handed him another. It was clear she was trying to fatten him up, ensure she had actually seen him eat something when Juliet started to pester her about it. As she watched him, Jack started to feel strange. It wasn't her eyes not-so-subtly watching him, and it wasn't even the strange foods. His mind was in a state of panic. He registered the food in front of him, and he knew there was plenty to go around - but he still fought the urge to take it all and hide it away in his pocket. He felt like he should be saving it in case -

"You should eat something, Jack."

The voice belonged to Ben, his bright blue eyes -always so vivid in Jack's memories - bore into him. Ben was mocking him. There was no food here. He was sitting in a cage outside their testing facilities, exposed to the elements and slowly starving to death. There was water running from a burst pipe. Sour. Metallic. But he didn't care for it. He needed food.

Jack didn't open his mouth. He refused to look at Ben, or into those eyes, ever again. Yet, Ben seemed to know what he was thinking.

"Press the red button. Work out the trap, get a snack."

He was saying it in a rhyme. Like he was enjoying this. Jack was the entertainment - the monkey at the zoo - and Ben was the kid throwing stones through the solid bars.

Jack gazed at the button. He'd pressed it, nothing had happened, so he'd given up.

"We turned it off, but it's on now.." Ben says, and he disappears as the sun rises - like a shadow.

Jack is alone. It's later now. Midday. He needs food or he's going to die. But he won't press the button or try to work out the puzzle, because that means he would be giving up.

And giving up is worse than death. It means he fails, he looses - and Ben wins.

There is a white haze, and Jack hears a siren, a warning alarm. He feels his hand reach out and touch the button even though he tells himself not to - and he knows it's not the first time.

His hands connects, and he feels his feet lift off the ground as he flies across the cage and smacks into the walls of his prison.

There is a haze.

When Jack awakes, he sees a fish shaped cracker and a note.

"Congratulations Jack. But it only took the bears two hours."

Jack squeezed his eyes shut, struggling to regain composure. It had been the most vivid and surprisingly complete memory he'd had so far. Not the most terrifying, but definitely one of the most confusing. He'd been shocked by a red button, for a cracker? It made him abruptly drop the one he was holding into his lap. He could feel Kate's eyes on him, glaring. No doubt concerned. He didn't want her to be, really, he was fine. She had gone out of her way to make him smile and he wasn't going to ruin their picnic no matter what he remembered.

"Can you hear me?" Kate asked, her hand on Jack's shoulder, and looking as if she was just about ready to pounce on him. He knew she had been repeating the question over and over while he had zoned out, and at last he nodded dumbly.

"Did you see something?"

She knew her question was invalid. Of course he had. Kate could see his hands shaking and his face had paled. Yet, when he answered her with a simple, 'No', she watched as he mimicked her confusion and even decided to take up the cracker again.

"Look," Jack whispered almost immediately - he wasn't going to lie, shaking his head solemnly and setting his gaze out to sea. "I don't want to think about any of this tonight, okay? Let's just.. let's just eat."

Kate nodded sympathetically, and didn't push him, even though fibre of her being urged her to. She wanted to know what he had seen and if it was anything she could help him understand. But, she distracted herself by serving up the pasta - it would be Jack's first proper meal back home - and she was determined to make it special.

"You'll like this," She started, changing the subject and handing Jack an old oceanic instant meal container full of cream colored twirls, "Hurley's a fantastic cook -"

"-Hurley made this?"

"Yeah!" Kate explained with a smile. "He's also great with the meat we bring back from hunts. He figured because he couldn't really help catch the boars - he could at least cook them for us. He makes this marinate - it's amazing."

"I must try it sometime.." Jack replied, letting his eyes drift over to Kate while he spooned the food into his mouth. "But this is really good."

Kate was trying in vain to open to bottle of cider, and Jack laughed as he watched her struggle with it for a moment before she placed it in his lap for him to open. Lifting it up, Jack could see that on the bottle, there were no markings of any sort other that the strange hexagonal logo and 'CIDER' printed in thick black letters. Flipping it in his hands and managing to shimmy the cork from the top, he asked the obvious.

"Is this alcoholic?"

"Oh, come on Jack. Live a little. It's cider, not absinthe.."

Jack grinned and took a swig from the bottle. After years of watching his father get drunk and throw his weight around, he had never been much of a drinker himself. Yet, the weeks of cold unknown that crept up on him every now and then made him want to grab the entire bottle and run away with it. However he didn't really think he could drink himself into oblivion on cider alone, and spending a night with Kate actually seemed more appetising.

"Easy, Jack - save some for me!"

Jack flushed and handed the bottle to Kate, who accepted it with a cheeky 'thank you.'

"So, Kate." Jack had to inquire, "Were exactly is the hard liquor?"

"Well, Jack." Kate mimicked, "We drank it all."

"Are you serious?"

"No. About a week after you left, there was a food drop. There was alcohol.. but no one knew whether or not you'd need it when you got back.."

Jack let out a dry laugh, taking the bottle from Kate and studying the contents. "I'm not that much of a drinker, actually." He admitted and Kate playfully slapped him.

"Not for drinking," She said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "For doctor-ing and stuff."

"Oh, for doctoring.." Jack mocked, and she slapped him again.

"And stuff..."

Kate reached over and opened a packet of cream cookies, offering them to Jack in exchange for the bottle.

"All gone." He said honestly, even turning the bottle upside down and shaking it when Kate peered over to see if he was lying. She frowned, but threw him the cookies regardless. He dived into them just as a yellow fruit caught his eyes.

"Guava." He exclaimed and Kate smiled. The memories of Kate and himself, crouching next to the waterfall in the caves as he handed her the seeds would forever be imprinted in his mind. It was his way of apologizing, perhaps, her way too. But, he had to admit something when Kate asked him if he wanted one.

"I don't like them.." He said, and Kate raised her eyebrow, laying down on the blanket and propping herself up on one elbow. "Yet you brought me some guava seeds for my garden?"

Jack shrugged, opening his mouth and closing it again. He didn't know what to say. So he told her the truth.

"Well, I remembered a few nights after we crashed you were sitting by the fire eating a guava. Then we had that.. disagreement... so I went into the jungle, cut one open, extracted the seeds and brought them to you."

Kate laughed, pushing the leftover food from the blanket and pulling Jack by the hand so he would lay down next to her and gaze up at the stars.

"That's cute," She said, locking eyes with him. "But I'm pretty sure I wasn't eating a guava - because they're disgusting."

Jack smiled at the irony. "Well," He said, "Next time I'll just bring you a mango."

"Next time we have a 'disagreement' that is..."

"Sure will."

Kate was smiling, and her smile wasn't going away. Her eyes teared and Jack was a little bit scared, he didn't know what was wrong. That was, until he realised she was trying to suppress laughter, and very unsuccessfully.

"What?" Jack asked, confused, and she shook her head and pointed to her own lip.

"You have something right here." She explained, and Jack quickly rubbed his face, but Kate kept laughing. "Other side, Jack." She whispered quietly, as if other people were around, and then watched as he scraped at his face in horror.

"Is it gone?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No..."

Eventually, Kate decided to get it for him. She placed both hands on the side of his face and brought him closer to her. Jack let himself be drawn nearer to her, and stared into her eyes. He wasn't exactly sure what she was doing, but he was very willing to go along with it regardless.

Kate could feel Jack's breath on her face. The distance between them was minimal, and overcome by sudden desire - perhaps due to being drunk on cider - she inched closer and closed the gap with her lips. At the same time, managing to remove the slither of chocolate stuck to his top lip.

Almost instantly, Jack pulled away. Kate questioned if she'd done something wrong, but her fears dissolved when she saw he was grinning.

"What?" She questioned, bobbing her head to catch his gaze. He looked up at her shyly, a blush creeping up his neck and across his cheeks.

"Come on, Jack." She laughed, "Just say it."

"You taste like pasta sauce" He said quietly, and Kate rolled her eyes.

"Well, " She began, pressing her lips against Jack's ears "You taste like cider.. and you're drunk."

"No I'm -"

"Oh, yes you are."

They parted briefly, and Kate wasn't laughing anymore. Instead, her face was one of seriousness and Jack could only mirror her expression.

"I missed you so much," She admitted, "Everyday. I couldn't stand being stuck here without you."

Jack nodded, what else could he say? He didn't know if he'd missed her. He couldn't remember anything at all...

"Do you love her?" It was an eerie voice, shrill yet powerful. So familiar, yet not a voice belonging to a friend. Ben.

Jack physically shook that voice from his head, confusion hitting him. Never before had Kate shown him such genuine and raw emotion. Before they kidnapped him, Jack was sure she's chosen Sawyer. He believed they had a connection. They were both decent people, simply misunderstood. Two individuals that had deserved a second chance - a chance they would play out in each others arms on this god forsaken island.

Yet, any doubt Jack had was answered by the next four words Kate uttered.

"It was always you."

Jack knew what Kate wanted. So leaning forward only slightly, he parted the small gap between their lips and kissed her passionately. Yet, he did so tentatively. Overwhelming doubt still prevented him from expressing his true feelings, but he knew he could force himself to respond physically - and that might explain things to Kate more accurately. So, even though it pained him -the added stress, and the constant feelings of self-consciousness and embarrassment that hung over him like a dark cloud even at the thought of acting on impulse, and of someone loving him regardless of his fears - he began to run his hands down her body.

As he did so, his heart pounded. It wasn't the usual nervousness he always felt, but something far more serious. The panic was restricting. It was the feeling that Kate was with him because she knew he needed her. Not because she loved him.

Sawyer had the looks, the brawn, the intelligence and wit that Jack, himself, lacked. Sawyer was sweet - well at least to Kate- he made her smile, and he never seemed to anger or frustrate her. Not like Jack did.

Jack knew Kate would be happier with Sawyer. He didn't need looking after. He was so much stronger than Jack was. As far as Jack knew, Sawyer didn't faint from fear when a woman kissed him, he didn't panic when he got his feet wet, and he didn't wake in the night, freezing cold and shaking because the monsters had come for him again in his dreams.

There was too, a voice of reason in Jack's mind. The voice that cried out "But Sawyer wasn't kidnapped.. Sawyer wasn't tortured" But it was Ben's voice. Trying to lull his lucid mind into relaxing on a false sense of security.

The more Jack let the thoughts roll around in his head, the more he began to doubt Kate's love for him. He remembered when Sawyer had been stabbed by Sayid, she had stayed and nursed him back to health - then she had left when he was better. It suddenly clicked, cold realisation making it's way up his spine in tiny, but violent pin pricks. Kate didn't care for him. She pitied him, and she felt guilty that he was kidnapped right from under her nose. And as soon as he got over his trauma and reclaimed his position as leader of the survivors, she would leave him too.

He felt sick. Sick everyday. He knew without medications and intensive therapy - assistance he knew he would only find when, and if, they were rescued - he wasn't ever going to be one hundred percent again. He couldn't bear the thought of Kate loosing interest long before he was healed, leaving him when he needed her the most.

Jack was pulled out of this thoughts as he felt Kate respond to the kiss, parting her lips slightly, as she too, began to run her hands up and down his strong back. She wasn't careful enough to avoid the cuts and tears that hadn't yet fully healed, and Jack winced in pain. There was so much pain and confusion, his mind wouldn't work properly, and acting on instinct felt scary and dangerous.

Kate was touching him, her hands flying all over him. Like a thousand needles pricking his skin. Her touch made him feel nauseous, dizzy - and not in a good way. She was hurting him and it wasn't anything to do with the cuts this time. It was like an ice burn all over his body, the skin she touched seemed to explode in cold bursts and the pain was unbearable. As her hands inched higher, roughly gliding over his skin, his chest felt tight. He couldn't catch his breath as he anticipated that any moment, she would grab on to his neck and start to strangle him.

As much as Jack was in pain, Kate was enjoying this. She liked his touch, his scent. And liking this, meant she liked him. That she would stay with him, and that she wouldn't loose interest and go back to Sawyer.

So, although it he didn't want to, and he knew he wasn't ready to be intimate with anyone so soon after being terrorised, he steadied himself, straddling Kate effortlessly and planting butterfly kisses down her neck. He felt her groan very softly and he unsuccessfully attempted to force his blood supply south.

He felt dirty. He felt like he was using Kate, and was being used by her. She must have noticed something, his reluctance, because when he opened his eyes - he hadn't even realised they had been shut - she was staring at him sympathetically and once again holding his face in her hands.

Somehow their lips had parted, and he had fallen from her, as they both lay on their sides.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked weakly, and Kate looked sorry.

"I can't do this, Jack." She whispered, "You're so sick.. I just can't. It feels wrong."

Even if it wasn't clear to Jack, Kate could tell he wasn't up to this simply by his inability to respond to her touch. She knew if she called him on it, or made any judgement that he didn't want to, or he couldn't, it would humiliate him and make him feel even worse than he probably already did.

"Okay." Jack replied simply, trying not to let Kate know how relieved he really was.

There was an awkwardness in the air. Jack had sat up and was staring at the ground, and Kate followed him, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder.

"I love you, Jack." She said, hoping that would fix everything. Kate knew Jack doubted her, she knew he was hurt and had such low self-esteem he was willing to see the worse in himself and truly believed he was unlovable. He didn't look up at her, so she moved to be in front of him, and gently caressing the smooth skin.

"I can't do this." He whispered, shaking his head in despair, broken. "Not while I know they're going to come back for me... it hurts when you touch me. It burns..."

Kate decided to dismiss Jack's first comments. He didn't believe that they were finished with him, and she decided to leave Juliet to convince him that they were. What concerned her was the pain she caused him simply at her touch. She was holding his face, and he didn't so much as wince. Moving her hand, she lay two fingers on his own - he looked, but didn't respond.

"Does it still hurt?" She asked, and he shook his head as another wave of confusion hit him squarely in the face, harder than Sawyer's fist. Kate couldn't tell if he was lying or not, but she removed her hands just in case.

"What can I do Jack?" Kate asked, her own voice as broken as his own. She blamed herself for everything. Every time she tried to help him, she would end up hurting him. And now, she had pushed him so far, he was allergic to her touch. "I want you to tell me if I can do anything to make you feel even a little bit better."

Jack didn't hesitate, his eyes locked with hers and she was sure he wasn't even blinking. Something has spooked him. She didn't know if it had been the first flash he'd had that evening, or whatever thoughts had been going around in his mind when she kissed him.

"Tell me you love me, tell me you're not going to leave me for Sawyer."

"I love you." Kate repeated desperately, her fingertips now hovering above Jack's head, gently sweeping down to bat away his dark hair as she was careful to avoid his skin.

"And I would never leave you for Sawyer. Maybe Hurley.. but not Sawyer."

Jack didn't even crack a smile, and Kate found herself assuring him she was joking and that she was with him for as long as he wanted her.

She didn't know what else to do other than help him lay down. Sleep fixed everything, she thought. Her hands met Jack's shoulders in the process and to her surprise, he grabbed them, clutching on for dear life as he brought them to lay across his chest. Kate positioned herself next to him so he could hold on to her hands for as long as he needed them. That was probably going to be all night, so she might as well get comfortable.

"It doesn't hurt now." He explained, reading her thoughts. She nodded, although he didn't see it, turning away from her and presumably falling asleep.

Kate did the same, and only when Jack was sure she was asleep, did he let the silent tears fall.

Hopefully Jack and Kate's romantic picnic didn't turn too angsty.. I tried to make it realistic though. Thoughts?

Please review or comment if you are reading, especially if you've added this to favourites/alerts. They do make me write a lot faster, and I love to know I'm not wasting my time. I also want hear your opinions on what should happen in later chapters :)