Author's Note and Disclaimer:

Oh hey everybody! It's been a while. So long, in fact that I hope I still have at least a few readers. I fully realize I suck for keeping you waiting so long. Since our 'concert season' is over, I'll hopefully get back on track and be more consistent with my updates. *fingers crossed*

Amanda, my friend, thanks for not badgering me about this. I know you were anxious to read some new stuff, but you were never a cuntish about it and that I appreciate. :o)

As always, most character names and all song titles do NOT belong to me: they are the property of Stephenie Meyer and The White Stripes respectively.

Thank you so much for sticking with me, everyone! Hope it was worth the wait…

***I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother's Heart***

Chapter 13

EDWARD

I reach for another burger, "These are delicious, Mrs. Swan."

"Why thank you, Edward! You know all three of my children turned their noses up the first time I told them I was serving up black bean burgers," Renee confides. "And please, call me Renee."

"Where's Mikey at, Bells?" Charlie asks, "He's normally front and center for bean burgers."

Bella glances at J before answering her father, "Um I think he's hanging out with Angela."

"Well, where is she?" he persists.

She hesitates a little, "I think she had some project to finish for the school paper."

He starts to ask another question, but Renee cuts him off.

"Edward would you like some more potatoes?" she asks, offering me the bowl.

"No thanks, Renee," I say pointing to the huge pile of potatoes already on my plate.

She smiles at me and looks to J, "How 'bout you, J?"

"No, ma'am. I'm still working on my burgers."

She puts the bowl back down on the table.

"What am I, chopped liver? I'd like some more potatoes!" Bella pouts.

Renee shrugs, "The bowl's right there, sweetie."

Bella looks a little hurt, "Why didn't you offer me any before you put the bowl down?"

"It's called hospitality, Bella! Edward and J are our guests," Renee says to her.

"J's here all the time, he doesn't count," Bella smirks.

Her mother furrows her brow, "Oh be quiet and just enjoy your dinner."

J sticks his tongue out at Bella, causing Charlie and Seth to chuckle.

She jabs her fork at him in a threatening manner, "Yeah, keep it up buddy."

J was here when we arrived, having just dropped Alice off. Renee insisted that he stay for dinner too, since Emmett was going to my house to have dinner with Rosalie. I'll admit, when I found out that we were having 'black bean' burgers and roasted potatoes, I was kind of scared. My doubts were squashed as soon as I took my first bite. These little burgers are delicious and the potatoes are totally amazing. Bella was right; her mom is a very good cook.

"So how're you liking Forks so far, Edward?" Charlie asks.

I finish swallowing what food I have in my mouth before answering, "So far, so good, Chief. Everyone has been very welcoming."

He nods, "That's good to hear. And your family, they're adjusting as well?"

I smile, "Yes, they're all adjusting quite well."

"You thinkin' about getting a job?"

"Funny you ask, I was just bugging Bella earlier to put in a good word for me at Newton's. I like having my own money," I reply.

He gives another nod, "The Newtons are good people. Bell can attest to that."

"Dad, do you have to be such a cop right now?" Bella huffs.

"Isabella, I'm just making friendly conversation," he huffs back.

"No, you're being nosy," Bella accuses.

He shrugs, "So what? I like being nosy."

"So, it's rude."

"So, I can't help it, I'm a cop," the chief smiles as if he's made the best point ever.

"How about some music?" Renee asks, effectively putting an end to the bickering.

Taking it upon herself to play DJ, Bella jumps up from the table and heads to the living room.

"How 'bout something other than Jack White, Bells!" Charlie shouts to her after a few moments.

We hear a loud sigh and then her disembodied voice shouts back, "I know, Dad!"

A few seconds later Bob Dylan starts singing about the changin' times. Bella reenters the room and sits back down, smiling.

"Good choice," her father winks at her.

The table falls into silence again as we continue to eat. J reaches out for a few more burgers. That reminds me, I really need to talk to Alice about what she's doing. She said she'd explain, but she hasn't yet. I had every intention of texting her, but Bella didn't finish listing her favorite Jack White songs until nearly six o'clock. We barely made it on time for dinner. In normal cases I would've just texted while driving, but I figured I should use more caution with Bella in the car. Besides, I'm sure Alice knows what she's doing. I just hope she explains everything soon, at least for Jasper's sake. He can only take so much. Thinking of Jasper makes me think of him calling me 'Eddie-Eddie-jandro' earlier and I snort a little into my cup just as I'm taking a drink, causing everyone to stare.

I smile sheepishly, "Sorry."

Renee simply smiles back and looks at Seth, "How's school going for you, my sweetpea?"

"Fine Mom, and could you not call me 'sweetpea'?" he answers, blushing.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin. Would you prefer 'snooky-wookums'?"

"Mom," Seth scowls at her.

She acts as though she's trying to process his request, "'Puddy-wuddy-pumpkin-pie'?"

"MOM!" he looks outraged.

His father decides to save him, "You ready for practice tomorrow, son?"

Seth immediately perks up and starts prattling on about how he thinks practice is going to go. J joins in the conversation as well and I inwardly frown a little. If the circumstances were different I'd be talking with them too, but I don't think that's an option for me now. As they discuss sports, Bella and Renee sit quietly with looks of boredom on their faces.

I lean over the table and speak softly, "I thought you liked football."

"I don't mind watching it being played, but I hate having to hear about it all the time. They're even worse when Emmett's here, trust me."

"So this is what you normally do? Look bored out of your mind?" I ask.

She nods, "Pretty much, unless Angela is here. She keeps me entertained."

"Have you heard from her?"

"Nope. No word from Mikey either," she says worriedly.

I try to change the subject, "So do you plan on beheading anyone with your hockey stick tomorrow?"

She smiles at me and I feel like I've won a prize, "Maybe. It all depends on who's on the opposing team."

I laugh at her and turn to the other silent person at the table, "Renee really, these are amazing. You must give me the recipe to pass along to Esme."

"You got it, sweetie! They are pretty time consuming, but the end result is worth it," Renee offers.

We all continue our own conversations. The guys stick to sports while the ladies stick to anything and everything. Although I wish I could talk sports, I find myself being much more entertained by the inane things Bella and Renee chatter about.

"I don't know why he's even with her. Seriously, what the heck did ScarJo do to deserve Ryan Reynolds? I mean honestly, it makes me sick."

"And then Theresa went crazy! She called her a prostitution-whore and flipped the table!"

"There's absolutely no way he can listen to her singing without wanting to shove scissors into his ears! He was engaged to Alanis for-like-ever, so he knows what decent singing sounds like and that's most definitely not it!"

"Danielle is just a crack-pot! She actually took those thug friends of hers to the Brownstone! She had to know what would happen. And don't even get me started on Kim G."

This back and forth continues through the rest of dinner; Bella expressing her distaste for Scarlet Johansen and Renee going on about some housewives. I don't get the chance to determine if she's talking about actual people she knows or not, because Bella whisks me up to her room as soon as we're finished.

"Give me your pod," she states when we get upstairs.

"I'm sorry, my what?"

She smiles at my confusion, "Your pod, assface. Your iPod."

"Oh. Sure," I say as I walk over to my backpack and get it for her.

While she starts up her laptop and plugs in my iPod, I make myself at home in her room. I peruse her DVD and CD collection. I check out some of her books. I take some time studying the pictures she has tacked to the wall of her friends and her. I stop when I come to a shelf with little wooden dolls spread across it.

"What the hell are these?" I ask her.

She looks over to where I'm standing and pointing and answers, "Troikas."

"Pardon."

"Troikas," she says again, before going on, "Russian nesting dolls."

"Why?"

She looks at me as if the answer is obvious, "Um, because they're awesome. Duh."

I cock my head to the side and wait for her to elaborate.

"Those are official White Stripes nesting dolls. Only 1,000 were made. I got them off of eBay from some bloke, teehee 'bloke', in Engerland," she says proudly.

"And why are they so special?"

She sighs, "Because each of the dolls is painted to depict Jack and Meg in the clothing they wore on each of their albums."

I turn back around to study these 'awesome' dolls again, "What about the little ones?"

"Well that would be the peppermint doll which represents the essence of The White Stripes," she replies.

"Of course they are," I smirk.

Bella narrows her eyes at me, "I don't like your tone, sir."

I widen my eyes innocently, "I don't know what you're talking about, miss."

"Sure you don't. It's all fun and games until I make sure that the entire ABBA anthology is added to your iPod in place of the The Black Keys," she threatens.

I instantly go serious, "Okay, that shit's not funny."

"I'm just saying, don't dis the troikas," she says before turning back to her laptop.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. I know it's Alice before I even pull it out to check.

- when will you be home?

- eventually.

- edward.

- i don't know. bella is adding some stuff to my ipod now. what's up?

- i need a mediator for jasper and me.

- what happened?

- he's not too keen on me plotting with j.

- no fucking shit.

- don't be an ass.

- don't get pissy.

- edward, he's not talking to me. :o(

Uh-oh. This has the potential to be serious. Jasper just doesn't not talk to Alice.

- shit.

- yeah, i know.

- okay, i'll text him and see if i can get him to talk to you. i'll be home soon.

- thank you.

- don't think you're off the hook yet. you've got some 'splaining to do when i get there.

I look over and make sure that Bella is still busy with my iPod before I text Jasper.

- you have to talk to her, man.

- edward don't.

- she's going crazy. you can't not talk to her.

- did she tell you her plan?

- not yet, but she will.

- then don't tell me what I can and can not do until you know the whole story.

Wow. He's really pissed. I don't text him back. I know it won't do any good.

- al… no dice. he's pissed. we'll sort it out when i get home. i'll leave in a few.

- thankyouthankyouthankyou.

I flip my phone closed and find Bella looking at me with concern.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh Jasper is just upset that I'm not home yet," I lie.

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry I kept you. I didn't even ask if you wanted to come up here, I just dragged you along. Jasper's going to hate me," she rambles.

Despite my family drama, I have to laugh at her, "Bella, it's totally okay. He'll get over it, I swear."

She's still frowning, "Yeah, but first I called shotgun on the way to your house, then I monopolized your time there, then I made you come have coffee and stay for dinner. I suck."

"You don't suck! Seriously, if I didn't want to hang out, I wouldn't have," I try to calm her down.

"If you say so," she gives me a little smile, but still sounds doubtful.

I smile back, "I do say so. I have to shove off though. Are you finished with my 'pod'?"

She nods and hands me my iPod. I collect my backpack and she walks me downstairs. We pop into the kitchen quickly, so I can say goodbye to her parents and thank them again for inviting me to dinner. Renee makes us wait a few minutes as she rustles up that recipe for Esme. When we finally break free and head out of the front door, we're both surprised to see J is sitting on the front stoop. He gets up as we step out.

"Hey guys!" he greets us then nods to me, "Edward, you leaving already?"

"Yeah, Jasper won't stop texting me, so I figured it was time to roll out."

"Ah. Cool. Bells, can we talk?" he asks her nervously.

We can both tell by her face that she's still annoyed with him for whatever it was he did to upset Angela, but he looks just so damned forlorn that she keeps any snide comments she might have to herself. She hooks her arm through his, "Sure thing, Jakey."

He exhales, happy that she's taking pity on him, "Thanks Bells, thanks."

"Yeah, yeah," she says before directing her attention back to me, "Well thanks for bringing me home."

"No problem. Thanks for the coffee. And dinner. And the music," I reply as I move towards my car.

She smiles, "No problem. Text me later? Let me know if Jasper hates me."

I open my car door and laugh, "He doesn't hate you, but yeah… I'll text."

"Rock! Later."

"Later," I say and wave to them before getting into the Volvo and starting the engine.

As I pull off I see Bella leading J around the side of the house, to the back yard I assume. I have a feeling that whatever he needs to talk to her about is the same thing Alice needs to talk to me about. What have they gotten themselves into? It can't be anything good. Jasper isn't even talking to Alice. I can't recall a time when he was even annoyed with her. And apparently Angela is M.I.A. I don't have a feeling about this.

On my way home, I take the opportunity to listen to more of the Jack White CD. It really is good stuff. There's no doubt in my mind that Bella will like The Black Keys. She might not love them like I do, but she'll have to appreciate the talent. I'm annoyed that I left the track list for this CD at home. I have no idea what song I'm listening to, but it's good nonetheless. For the time being the CD helps me forget the drama waiting for me.

I think about going straight to my room, but I decide it's best to drop in the living room to talk to Dad and Esme first. They're cuddled up on the couch watching Top Chef. Esme brightens when she sees me.

"Edward, you're home! How was dinner? Isn't Renee just the nicest woman?"

I smile and make my way over to kiss her cheek, "Yes, she's very nice. Dinner was great. She made black bean burgers," before Esme can open her mouth, I pull the recipe out from my back pocket, "Before you even ask, here's the recipe."

She claps her hands in excitement, an action she adopted from Alice, "You know me too well, thank you!"

"You'll thank me by making them for dinner soon," I tell her.

"You got it," she smiles at me.

I throw my hand up in farewell, "I'm heading upstairs, night."

They both wish me goodnight and I go upstairs to my room, which is where I find Alice crying on the floor, surrounded by tissues.

"He's still not talking to me," she sniffles.

Though I kind of want to chuckle at her theatrics, I force myself to keep a straight face and hunker down next to her.

"Care to explain exactly why he's not talking to you, Al?" I urge.

She takes a few deep breaths, blows her nose and begins her explanation, "So today was pretty much just like yesterday. We had home ec and English, yadda yadda yadda. Well during lunch I started thinking about the whole J and Angela situation. It really started to bother me. Seriously, is it just me or is it totally obvious he's retarded for her?"

I open my mouth to admit she has a point, but she keeps talking.

"You don't have to answer, because I know I'm right. It was that moment I started to formulate a plan. I knew if I got J to admit his true feelings to someone beside himself that it might jump-start him into taking some sort of action. I didn't mention it to anyone else because I wasn't 100% sure he'd go with it. So during bio I flat out asked him how he felt. He was a bit resistant at first, but then he spilled like BP. He admitted how crazy it makes him to see her with Eric and how he thinks about her pretty much at all times. He's so scared of making a move because what if she doesn't feel the same way!"

I again open my mouth to contribute thoughts on the matter, but Alice is still not having it.

"Of course she feels the same way! That's exactly what I told him. She's just too fucking polite to kick Eric to the curb. At least since she doesn't think she has a good reason. I mean, let's face it, J really isn't going out of his way to admit his undying love, so why should she jeopardize everything she has for a guy who might not really be into her. I told him this too! I told him he was a dink and that he needs to be much more assertive. I'm not letting Angela totally off the hook though. She sits next to me in Spanish. J is seriously all she talks about. I had to specifically ask about Eric in order for her to mention his name and even then the story she told me related back to J. What the fuck, man? How can she not see it?"

By this time, I know not to attempt an answer. She'd just cut me off anyway.

"So I told J that I thought he should try to date another girl. You know, to make Angela realize what she's missing and whatnot? He said that he didn't feel comfortable doing that, because he wouldn't want to just use someone like that. And then the idea hit me like a fucking ton of bricks!"

Now she's getting to the root of the problem, "Al, you didn't."

She ignores me, "I told him that I could totally pose as his love interest. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, obviously, and what better way to make sure other guys don't hit on me, right? So we formulated a plan. First step, he'd start talking about me more when he's around her. Second step, he starts giving me rides home. Third step, maybe dinner or a movie? Not sure yet, but there will be a third step. What I didn't count on was Jasper going all caveman on me!"

"What happened when you got home? Did you explain this to him?" I ask.

A few tears fall before she starts talking. She pauses to compose herself before continuing, "I really thought he would be cool with this. After I got in the car with J I texted him and told him that I loved only him and that I would be home soon. I should've known by his lack of text that he was still bothered. We went for ice cream before J brought me home. Nothing happened, I swear. Seth was there the entire time. The kid was even helping us plot out our next move! I tried to explain this to Jasper, but he won't even listen. He says I kept him in the dark and I should've given him proper warning. He says that it's not fair that I asked you to not to rock the boat, when I'm doing just that. He said we hardly get to see one another at school and if I'm being J's 'girlfriend', I won't have time for him when he needs me. And…"

"Al," I cut her off.

She sniffles again, "What?"

I smile at her, "Breathe."

She sits quietly for a few minutes just breathing in and out. I lean over and put my arm around her shoulders. Her eyes get a little watery, but no more tears are shed, "Edward, this is a mess."

I nod, "Yeah, it is. But we'll sort it out."

"You really think so?" she asks, helplessly.

I give her a little squeeze, "I know so. Come on," I say easing her up off the floor, "Let's go talk to Jasper."

She lets me lead her to Jasper's room and opts to sit outside in the hallway while I go in. When I enter, Jasper is sitting on his beanbag chair, watching The Golden Girls. I take the chair from his desk and roll it over to sit next to him.

"What's going on, man?"

"Did she tell you what she's doing?" he asks without looking at me.

I nod, even though he doesn't see it, "Yes. It's a pretty crazy idea, I'll admit."

"Did you talk her out of it?"

"Since when can anyone but you talk Al out of doing anything?"

Jasper turns to me calmly, "Edward, I don't want her doing this."

"I get it man, but did you even listen to her reasons?"

He rolls his eyes at me, "She wants to fake-date Jacob Black in order to get Angela Weber to realize what she's missing out on. I don't want her doing this. What if he falls for her instead? Or worse, what if she falls for him?"

I look at him as if he's crazy, because he is, "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"It's entirely possible! Some things are too good to be true. Maybe Jacob has something to offer that I don't. I don't want to lose her, man."

"You really are out of your fucking mind," I shake my head at him in disbelief.

"I can't help it. The thought of losing her makes me want to lock myself alone in my room and listen to Iron and Wine ad nauseam."

Now that would be painful, "Let's make sure it doesn't come to that, okay Jas?"

He sighs and looks at me, "So what do I do?"

"Let me give you a scenario: Say you and Alice met when you were in kindergarten. Say that the only girl you ever really noticed was her and her alone. And say that you had to sit aside while she dated someone else when you were so close to admitting your feelings. Wouldn't you pray for some angel to come along and help you get your girl?"

"Maybe," he admits begrudgingly.

"Dude, you met Al only a few years ago and you would kill for her. J has known Angela for a lot fucking longer. How do you think he feels having to see the girl he would kill for with another guy?"

"He probably feels like shit," he mumbles.

"Exactly! So can't you understand, even a little, why she's doing this?" I implore.

He sighs deeply again, "Maybe."

I know I've got him, "Come on, man. You know Alice. Ever since she met you she's been all about love. They went for ice cream after school, which is why she wasn't home right away. The kid was with them the entire time. In their defense, J and Angela totally belong together. He's a good guy. No way would he make a move on Al. Besides, if he did, she'd kick in him the ball sack."

I see that his resistance is close to crumbling, so I put the final nail in the coffin, "Give her some credit. The fact that you even thought for a moment that she could fall for someone else is an insult to you both. You should feel like an ass for saying it out loud."

Jasper hangs his head, "I'm such a fucking douche bag. Why does she even like me?"

"Probably because you have that accent and a really sweet ass," I say completely straight-faced.

He jerks his head up to look at me and I'm not able to maintain my stoic façade. We both erupt into hysterical laughter. After a few minutes we pull ourselves together.

"You think she'll forgive me?" he asks.

"Duh. She's gonna be so happy you're talking to her again, she won't even remember why you were fighting in the first place," I admit, then add, "she's waiting in the hall."

Jasper flies off of the bed and opens his door. Without a word, he pulls Alice up off of the floor and starts kissing her face. Alice caught off guard, starts crying and laughing all at the same time. Both of them offer apologies and undying love to each other in between kisses.

"I'm so sorry, I'm such an ass."

"No, I'm sorry. I should've told you the idea as soon as it came to me."

"I should've trusted you to know what you were doing."

"I should've known it would take you a little time to deal with my plan."

"Regardless, it's a plan of yours and I never should've doubted you."

"I love you so much. Please, let's never fight again."

"Never Mary Alice, you're my everything. I love you."

I leave them there in Jasper's room and go back to my own. On my way there I come across someone I didn't expect.

"Oh hey, Emmett," I greet him.

"Hey man, what's up? Are you just getting home?" he asks.

"Nah, I've been home for about a half hour. You heading out?"

He nods, "Yeah. Rosie is waiting downstairs to see me off. I had to take a leak."

I laugh, "Oh, how lovely."

"Yup, that's one word for it. How was dinner?"

"It was really good. You mom made bean burgers," I tell him.

"Fucking-A. I hope there are some left over!"

We hear Rosalie call up from the bottom of the stairs, "Em! Did you get lost?"

"Coming Rosie!" he shouts to her. He turns back to me, "See you later, man."

I throw my hand up in goodbye, "Later."

He bounds down the stairs and I finally get to my room. I'm delighted to find myself with nothing to do. Now would be a perfect time to give a good listen to that CD. Fuck. I left it in the car. Oh well. I grab my iPod out of my backpack and start scrolling my playlists for something to listen to as I go the bathroom to brush my teeth. I pause when I see a new playlist titled 'Edward's Education'. I promptly select it and see that Bella has added the CD she made me directly to my iPod. Fucking score! That girl truly is amazing. I start with 'Broken Boy Soldier', I don't remember listening to that one earlier. I brush my teeth and retire to my room for the rest of the night, pausing my iPod long enough to change into my sleep pants, but I turn it back on as soon as I'm comfortable in bed. I'm able to get through all of the songs and I can't help but wonder why I never listened to Jack White's work before now.

Even though Bella requested that I listen to the songs in order at least three times, I skip through and listen to a select few that really caught my attention. When I finally look at the clock it's nearly midnight. I know it's late, but I can't resist shooting off a quick text to Bella before I go to sleep.

- #1 - jazzy is totally not mad at you. #2 - so is the boyfriend the milkman?