A tinny melody drifted through his dreams. Soft grass under his feet gave way to a coarse blanket over him, and an arm slung across him. Kurapika blinked.

"Shit," grumbled Chrollo, fumbling for his phone. "Hello?" He sat up, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

Kurapika reached for his own phone. It was just around three in the morning. No messages.

"Calm down, Machi," Chrollo said into the phone, and Kurapika heaved a sigh of relief. So nothing was wrong with Oito.

Embarrassment flushed through him. What have I done? He curled his legs up towards his chest. He just had sex with a man who murdered children Kurapika used to play with. Who tortured them. And who Woble loved, and whom Kurapika understood, now.

But I am a monster, too.

"I'm on my way." Chrollo hung up and hopped out of bed. He turned back to Kurapika, slipping his pants on. "Something's—up with my friends. We'll be back by morning."

To leave. With us. Kurapika nodded.

Chrollo hesitated, as if he wanted to ask him something else, but couldn't quite eke the words out. He left, shutting the door silently. His coat stayed at the foot of the bed.

Kurapika's head lolled to the side. He was not going back to sleep, that he knew. He bit his wrist. What have I done?

He hated what Chrollo had done, and nothing he did could ever make up for that. Even if Kurapika was a murderer himself. Does it make me a worse person for forgiving? For grasping the little happiness I can?

How could this make me happy, if I am not inherently deficient?

We keep moving on. If we stop crawling, if we retreat, we turn into pillars. We rot in the sun. We die.

He just wanted someone to know how disgusting he was, the putrid parts of himself he tried to cover, the parts he would prefer to die than have known, and still tell him he was worth it. And Chrollo knew, and he liked that. He liked Chrollo.

You are—killing Hisoka right now, aren't you?

If you kill him, Chrollo, you kill me. And he did not want that to happen, because he—wanted to live. And he wanted Chrollo to live.

I'm going to stop you. Kurapika sat up. He could use his dowsing chain to find Chrollo—

His door flung open, smacking the wall. Kurapika yelped, yanking the blanket up to cover himself.

"So you sleep in the buff. It really is the best way to sleep," commented Hisoka.

"The fuck?" screamed Kurapika. "What are you doing here?"

Hisoka's eyes slid to the coat and then back to Kurapika. Oh, fuck.

"Kurapika!" shouted two voices behind the clown. Killua and Gon both burst in, crying. Crying. And Alluka too. "We need help."

What the hell is going on? "Can I get dressed?" Kurapika managed. "Get into the bathroom for like two minutes, okay?" So Chrollo wasn't off to kill Hisoka...

"Why are you naked?" demanded Gon.

"Don't ask that!" Kurapika's face felt like it was burning off. At least it was still dark in the cabin. He fumbled into his clothes and stuffed Chrollo's coat under the covers. "Okay now."

They filed back out, Hisoka looking as if he wished he could be amused, but something dark simmered behind his gaze.

Killua wiped at his eyes. "My brother's been kidnapped, and we need your dowsing chain to find the man who did it." He clenched his fists. Alluka looked up at him. "And then we'll get him back."

Huh? "Why not just ask Alluka?" asked Kurapika.

"Because I am not going to use my sister like that," Killua snapped, and Alluka's scowl looked as if she was more than a little put out because of that, but she was keeping quiet. "And also, she needs to rest up for transporting us all tomorrow—and I don't think I can keep Alluka and Gon safe and save Kalluto, even with Hisoka's help. I need—you, Kurapika."

Kurapika swallowed. You need me.

His friends. Losing Kalluto—he thought of all the children he knew back in the Kurta tribe. No matter what Kalluto had done, he didn't deserve to be kidnapped.

But the dowsing chain pretty clearly indicated Kalluto was not on the ship.

"How?" yelped Killua.

"It's a warp gate," said Hisoka, watching the chain stay still. "Must be."

"Then find the man who kidnapped him," Killua said.

"Before we go," Hisoka interjected. "May I give a recommendation? Wear your goddamn contacts, or don't go all scarlet eyes, Kurapika. He's a greedy man and wouldn't hesitate to pluck those out of your skull."

I'm going to need Emperor Time. Kurapika grabbed his container of contacts, slipping them into his eyes without even needing a mirror.

Using Emperor Time now came with guilt.

"I already told you. I have no intention of running away," Illumi stated. "That should have been obvious when I came with you willingly, Feitan, Machi."

Chrollo blinked, staring at the man who sat on the floor in a cabin Franklin had been using. Feitan, Machi, Bonolenov, and Shizuku were all present as well, every one of them clearly furious that their newest member had blown everything.

"In the end, you are just another Hisoka," snapped Feitan.

Illumi rested his chin on his knees. He closed his eyes.

"Why?" asked Chrollo. His heart pounded. Nausea bubbled inside him. Hisoka had—and Illumi—

We are very serious about this.

A lie? Or something had happened to change that? Chrollo stuffed his hands into his pockets. He missed his coat. He could still smell Kurapika on himself.

"It does not matter." Illumi didn't open his eyes.

It did matter. And Chrollo knew why. "Illumi…"

"If you plan to kill me," said Illumi. "Please at least do not take it out on Kalluto."

"I have no such plans," said Chrollo. "And I wouldn't. Kalluto's innocent." Speaking of which, where was that kid? Machi said she texted every member and all the others had come, save Phinks and Nobunaga who needed to stay with Oito.

Illumi finally looked at him. He arched an eyebrow. "If you intend to use me as a hostage, I—"

"You chose Hisoka," spat Machi. "Why?"

"Didn't you choose Chrollo?" asked Illumi. "Anyways, I don't much mind dying. I've betrayed everything I was ever raised to do. I can never look my parents in their faces again." He tightened his grip around his legs, folding himself up. "I am not a good assassin anymore. I am not a Zoldyck. I failed them."

"They sound like shit parents," commented Franklin.

Illumi's eyes popped. "Don't you—"

He's trying to get you to fight, you dolt. Chrollo tapped his foot. "So the assassin fell in love with the one he was bound to kill. The plot of many a romance novel."

Illumi stiffened. "I am not so—"

"Why?" demanded Chrollo again, and he wasn't certain whom he was asking. Machi and Feitan exchanged a glance. Shizuku cocked her head. "What did he offer you? Money? A place to belong? Or did he just see you, or did you think he was another extension of you that you couldn't bear to kill, or—"

"On the contrary," Illumi muttered. "He—" He clamped his mouth shut.

"Or through him," said Chrollo slowly. "You saw yourself more clearly. And you saw hope for yourself, because you wanted hope for him."

Illumi's head snapped up. He met Chrollo's gaze and glowered.

I don't want to die.

I don't want it to be written.

I deserve to die.

But Kurapika still kissed him, still embraced him. You were chasing me, but you were the one leading me all along. Chrollo lowered his chin.

"Danchou?" asked Machi.

"Do you still want to be a Spider, Illumi?" Chrollo asked. He crouched down.

"This," Illumi informed him. "Is exactly how you lose members of your crew. You will never learn, will you?"

"Are you actively threatening us?" Chrollo asked.

"Clearly not, if I'm here and not pulling out my needles. But sooner or later everyone betrays, or is betrayed."

"Danchou hasn't betrayed us," said Machi.

Oh, but I have. Chrollo met Machi's eyes. "What would you say my working with the Chain Bastard is?" Never mind actually sleeping with him. "Nobunaga…" He should have spoken to the man. He should have cared about his feelings. Uvogin was his dearest friend. And Shalnark…

Machi swallowed.

"I'd still like you to be a Spider," said Chrollo. "Whether or not you can go back home again. Even if you can't be a Zoldyck. We're from Meteor City. We collect the people thrown away."

"I can't use Judgement Chain on him, because he isn't a Phantom Troupe member," Kurapika reminded them as they stood outside a cabin door. God, he was such a failure. He cringed. Was his power completely useless now? He spent all this time, sacrificed so much, and now he was going to bed with Chrollo Lucilfer. His power was pointless in the end.

Hisoka mumbled something that sounded like "so that's how he likes it" and Kurapika kicked him in the knee.

"Bungee Gum," Gon said, looking to Hisoka, who nodded. Alluka huddled in the background, looking angrier and angrier.

Kurapika kicked the door open. The cabin was sparse, but Cathuria whirled around in the center, a phone in his hand. "I'll talk to you later, Tserr—"

Kurapika aimed his chains. A distraction. Bungee Gum slammed him into the wall. The phone clattered to the floor. Kurapika activated Stealth Dolphin.

"What the hell?" rasped Cathuria. "Finally come back for revenge, Hisoka?"

Hisoka plastered Bungee Gum over his mouth. "I don't feel like listening to you." Killua, Gon, and Alluka followed into the room, clinging to each other.

Who is this man to you, Hisoka? Kurapika didn't have time to question. He waited for Stealth Dolphin to detail this man's power. He was a Specialist, clearly.

"The Black Door is a conjured warp gate to a place in Yorknew." Kurapika did not want to think about Yorknew and the ghosts there right now. "Inner Demons is a power that will sap the energy of anyone imprisoned there by amplifying whatever emotion they feel most, making it impossible to escape."

Cathuria's beady eyes landed on Kurapika.

"Thank you for the information," said Kurapika. "Oh, I wasn't talking to you, asshole. I was talking to the dolphin."

Cathuria looked confused. Good. Hisoka snorted.

"There's no such thing as impossible," said Killua. "My dad taught me that." He looked to Kurapika. "We're going, right?"

Kurapika nodded. "I can use his ability now, but only once." Only to get through that gate, and hopefully get back.

"Don't dawdle, if you do," said Hisoka. "I'll stay here to keep this dickhead from moving. Gon can't go; without nen you'll get trapped easily."

Gon scowled.

"Fine," said Killua. "Gon, protect Alluka. I know you can do it." He gave his friend a smile.

Kurapika conjured the door. It opened without a sound, and he couldn't see what was beyond. He had to keep Emperor Time activated to be able to leave, that he knew, and he needed it because that energy surging in him—he was going to need all of it.

"Don't get fucking lost," warned Hisoka.

"Why do you even care?" snapped Kurapika.

"I may or may not owe their brother for something," Hisoka retorted. "A life for a life."

Kurapika swallowed. A life for a life.

Giving, saving. Not taking.

Maybe life was not so easily traded. He turned to Killua. Killua nodded at him. They stood on the threshold. Kurapika reached out instinctively, and he realized Killua had reached out too, taking his hand like Pairo used to when they were wandering the forests at dusk, and Pairo couldn't see through the dimming light.

Pairo, those times I led you… I was afraid too.

I've never liked the dark. And I was afraid I'd do it badly, and you'd fall.

If you are still there, a ghost, in heaven, part of the universe, lend me your strength.

He stepped forward, Killua with him.

An inky blackness shoved itself into his lungs, choking him. He felt like he was drowning. Killua's grip kept him centered. Kurapika slowly became aware of something solid under his feet. A floor. Concrete.

His eyes adjusted. The room was bathed in mist. A corridor, with cell-like doors lining the edge. Kurapika took a step towards them.

Pairo—Pairo—I lost you—

Pairo, I slept with your killer. Pairo, don't you hate me? I would. I always have, since you were hurt. I hate me.

It wasn't anger surging within him. It was despair. Hopelessness chopped at his bones, hacking him apart, breaking him. He staggered forward. He had to save Kalluto.

Why? What was the point? Kalluto would die eventually anyways. And he was a murderer. Murderers didn't deserve to be rescued. And murderers like himself didn't deserve to rescue.

Killua let out a whimper. His eyes darted around. His breath came sharp, harsh, like he was terrified beyond belief. If he kept hyperventilating like that, he'd pass out, and then it would all be futile, of course it would be—

"Kalluto," eked out Killua.

His brother. He wanted to—even if it was hopeless—

"Even if you aren't able to find a cure," said Pairo, lying under a huge oak tree and letting a dragonfly rest on his hand. "It's okay, you know. We can still travel, see things. You can describe them well. You'll be my eyes."

Even if. Even if. Kurapika pushed himself forward, now practically dragging Killua who was threatening to curl up on himself. He pounded on one of the doors. Someone answer!

They wouldn't. This place was hopeless. They were dumb to try.

"Kalluto," choked out Killua.

Kurapika yanked out his dowsing chain. Where are you?

It sung towards the doors on the left. The door had a simple bolt on it, one that could, in theory, be broken, if you were strong like Uvo. But Uvo was dead, because Kurapika killed him, and buried him.

He was still warm when Kurapika rolled him into that grave.

Get lost, fool.

I am lost.

No one would want to open that door. Kurapika wasn't even sure he knew the point. It felt like his brain was dissolving.

"I just wanted—" Killua choked out. He dropped to his knees, grip sliding out of Kurapika's. He rocked back and forth, teeth chattering, eyes vacant. "Don't leave me. I want to—matter—"

Kalluto matters.

Kurapika yanked open the deadbolt. A small boy slumped against the wall, eyes closed. Kurapika stumbled towards him.

He's gone. We're too late. We're always too late, and I'm wasting more of my life for this.

He remembered Chrollo poking him, and Kurapika pressed two fingers to Kalluto's throat. A pulse beat again his fingertips. He's alive.

Kurapika grabbed Kalluto, heaving the boy over his shoulder. He felt so heavy. He staggered out of the room, grabbing Killua with his other arm. He almost tripped. Of course.

There was no point to keeping striving, was there?

There was no point to having ever tried.

He was this. He was a skeleton encased in flesh, and they were all going to die eventually. Why bother. Why even keep breathing, when it hurt so much, when every breath felt like fire burning lungs already rubbed raw?

He couldn't even cry. He didn't deserve to.

Killua flicked a yo-yo.

When he was younger, he wanted to steal one for Pairo, but it wasn't right. Pairo told him that, grasping him when he went to do it.

Kurapika dragged himself forward. He hurled Kalluto through the door. Then he dragged Killua towards the edge.

A hand reached in.

He didn't—

Pairo—

He remembered his friend reaching for him, the cliff below them. A scream, bubbling from his lips.

He grabbed the hand, flesh clasping flesh, and it dragged him out and into the cabin. The door dissolved behind him. Kurapika gagged, slumped on the ground. Gon let go of Kurapika and shook a barely-conscious Killua. Alluka held an unconscious Kalluto. They were all okay. The clammy chill of that corridor clung to Kurapika. He felt sicker than he'd ever felt in his life.

"Finally," said Cathuria, and the next thing Kurapika knew Hisoka was thrown across the room, head smacking the wall. His eyes rolled back into his head.

What?

"Stop!" shouted Alluka, but Cathuria grabbed her by the throat.

"No!" screamed Kurapika. It came out a baby's cry. He tried to push himself to his feet on shaking legs. He only made it to his knees before retching. His chains surged anyways, knocking Alluka away from Cathuria's grip. She gasped, landing on her hands and knees.

"A lovely plan," said Cathuria. "But I'm afraid you underestimate my strength. Should have kept that ability stolen."

Kurapika glared up at him. Get up. Get up. His legs wouldn't work, but he would fight—even if he couldn't win. Even if. Because he looked at Gon, nenless, and Killua, dazed, and Killua's siblings—he had to. He pushed himself to his feet. His legs felt as if his muscles had turned to jelly.

"Oh please," commented Cathuria. "There's no point to that. You see, Hisoka is stronger after dying, but I've died three times, and come back. I'm going to win if we fight, and if you escaped, I'd hunt you down easily."

"I don't care," Kurapika stated. His voice shook.

"A child trained so thoroughly in assassination can be valuable," said Cathuria. "Especially when they're pretty. It's tempting to take the heir, but that'd be too much trouble from the Zoldycks, and, well, the sister has too many drawbacks to her powers and no special skills. No one will miss the youngest son." He reached down, lifting Kalluto off the ground. "Hisoka's half-dead, and you're nenless, Gon Freecss, useless really, and you're talented but not special, Kurapika."

"Don't—call Gon useless," Killua managed, pushing himself to all fours. "And Kalluto—isn't—I care—"

"Too late." Cathuria winked. "It's time I headed back to Yorknew." Kalluto's limp form dangled as he opened the door.

"No!" Kurapika readied his chains. He could barely stand, and Cathuria laughed.

I can't lose another friend. I can't let a friend go through this—not protecting the ones they should have—the ones they ignored—this is—

He was in Yorknew again, running with Melody, rain pelting him and all the while knowing Gon and Killua gave themselves up because of him.

Because of him. Because of his stupidity.

Come back.

I don't want to lose anyone else!

He's a member of the Phantom Troupe! He's a kid! And I just slept with the boss of the Phantom Troupe!

The eyes, in his hands. Fakes. Copies. A copy made by someone who was also now dead, bought for someone who was also now dead.

It had always been his fire. He lunged, chains whirling. They struck Cathuria on the face, tearing. Blood splattered. Kurapika used another chain to knock Kalluto out of the bastard's arms. Gon joined him, grabbing Kalluto. Killua staggered to his feet, gagging as he reached for his brother.

Cathuria flung himself at Kalluto. Kurapika threw himself between them. If he used Chain Jail... but he did not want to die. Not now, with Chrollo's warmth still lingering. Cathuria's hands closed around Kurapika's throat, choking. Kurapika gagged. He thrashed. Something thin fell onto his cheek.

A contact.

He looked straight at the man. Confusion. And something else. Greed.

He knew, didn't he? His worth always came down to this gene, this curse. He managed a smirk. Cathuria's pressure lessened. Kurapika knocked his arms away. Panting, he glared. His fingers found his eyes. He brushed out the other contact. Both fell to the floor. His eyes glowed scarlet.

"The fuck?" moaned Hisoka, coming to.

"Get them out of here," Kurapika told the clown, not even looking at him. "Get them out!"

"Kurapika, stop!" shouted Gon. He lunged.

Kurapika shoved Gon back. He looked to Kalluto. A life for a life. He felt as if he was about to collapse. His legs wobbled. "Hisoka, do it!"

Cathuria reached for Kalluto again. Killua grabbed his brother, yanking him out of the way, and Hisoka grabbed Gon under one arm and Alluka under the other. He raised his arms for Bungee Gum. To fight for them. Fury welled up inside Kurapika. Arrogant prick! They'll die!

It's hopeless.

They couldn't win. Not with Killua, himself, Alluka, Hisoka, and Kalluto all injured.

Kurapika threw his chains at Hisoka, who let out a yell and ducked, shielding Gon. The door to the cabin was hanging open, and Kurapika's chain snagged Hisoka's nen ankle, hurling him out. Kurapika threw Killua and Kalluto out next.

"Kurapika, stop!" Gon bellowed.

"Don't you—fucking—" Killua gasped.

Kurapika's chains sliced Cathuria's arms. He slammed the door shut. He slid the lock, trapping himself in this room with this monster. Me. Me, instead.

And he doubled over, without even the energy to cry. He couldn't lift his head. Everything felt as if it was spinning.

I'm a traitor.

I'm betraying you, Pairo, and I'm so sorry.

But you wouldn't want to let a child suffer that place.

I deserve it. But I still don't want it.

Cathuria lowered himself in front of Kurapika. "How sad. It's not extraordinary, you know, despite what you might fancy, to sacrifice yourself for another. Though I daresay they weren't the ones you wanted to sacrifice yourself for." He reached out, cupping Kurapika's face. His fingers traced his sockets. "You're no Zoldyck, but you'll do nicely."

Fuck. Kurapika swallowed.

I don't want to go!

Help me, I'm scared!

Come back! Someone, anyone, save me!

No one was coming.

Cathuria grabbed him by the waist and yanked Kurapika back into the cold corridor, and this time the door closed behind them.

Illumi didn't understand. Why was Chrollo not taking his head? Feitan looked as if he would like nothing more, but Chrollo seemed to have stopped it, because—because why? He barely knew Illumi. He couldn't think that Illumi was worth anything, or would ever help him when it meant risking Hisoka's life.

Kalluto would never forgive him. Illumi wished he were back at Kukuroo Mountain. No, then Dad would scream at him, hit him, and it was never enough. No matter how Illumi served him.

I just want you to tell me you're proud of me.

Well, he wasn't, and now Kalluto would hate him forever too. Killua—Killua—you're here too, on this ship, and you hate me. Why? Why does everyone hate me? What did I do wrong?

Had he ever told Kalluto he was proud of him? Illumi was sure he'd said good job a few times.

But it wasn't about what Kalluto, Killua, Milluki could do.

I like you because you're my siblings.

And because of you, I wasn't alone anymore. Even Milluki—even Milluki—

Killua made him understand love. And Illumi would do anything to keep it, but—

It wasn't enough.

Well, then, Illumi must simply be unworthy of it.

"Please kill me, and tell my brothers I love them," Illumi requested.

Chrollo's jaw dropped.

"You are an idiot and you and Hisoka deserve each other," Machi snapped.

"They would be better off," Illumi shot back. And you. And you all would be— "I cannot be with you as long as you are going after Hisoka, and I cannot—"

"If you have a problem with it, you could say so," said Chrollo. He pushed his hair back from his face with a sigh.

"I do not understand," said Illumi with a frown. "I joined because of your grudge against Hisoka. Without it—"

"I can't," said Chrollo, a tinny laugh emerging. "I can't—not anymore."

"Danchou?" demanded Machi.

Chrollo hunched his shoulders.

Why not? Illumi didn't understand.

The door to their room burst open. Feitan aimed his umbrella. Shizuku, her vacuum.

And Illumi gaped.

Killua stood there, shadows under his eyes, skin pale and sweaty, legs barely holding him up. And his gaze was lasered onto him. "Illumi—we need—all of you—Kalluto was kidnapped—now—we need help."