Letting Go
The room was bright and she wanted it to be dark. The lights hurt her head and made sleep impossible. Against every shred of her being, Noel forced open her eyes slowly. She was in a hospital room; she knew that because she could see all the tubes and wires running everywhere and the sounds of a heart monitor and other devices.
She felt pain, but it was muted somewhat by this strange tingling sensation, 'They must have given me something for the pain,' she thought as she found it hard to focus on anything. Her mind seemed to be in a fog of confusion, and she found it difficult to latch on to any one thought.
She turned to her right and saw him, the one bright spot in her life, the man who made everyday worth it, Fred. She couldn't tell what time it was, but it had to be day because of the sun light. Fred was asleep in one of the chairs the hospital puts in patients room that are supposed to be comfortable, but are anything but. He looked tired and worn out, but still seeing him made her smile. She knew he would be here, that he would always be here for her, no matter what. She heard his light snore and found peace and comfort in the sound. She loved the way he looked when he was asleep, it brought the little boy inside him out, yet it was also very sexy at the same time. She decided not to wake him and she closed her eyes again and drifted back into the darkness again.
"Hello Noel," a voice in the darkness called out to her, "Don't be afraid, I'm not here to hurt you, I'm a friend."
"Who are you, and what do you want?" Noel shouted into the dark void, "Show yourself!"
"I can't do that honey, not till it's time, but you know who I am and why I'm here," the voice said to her in a calm tone, "don't you?"
Noel felt blind fear and screamed, "GO AWAY, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE!"
"Darling, you don't need to fear me, remember what Fred told you?" the voice whispered to her, "I'm not a boogieman, I'm part of the cycle of life and I help you to the next phase. You humans have really made me out to be some kind of demon over the years."
"Stay away from me, I don't want to die," Noel insisted and began to run away from the voice, "I'm not ready yet!"
"It's not time yet honey," the voice spoke in front of her now, "But I think you know that, just like you know you can't run from me, like I told Fred, I've been with you since birth and you have been running towards me your whole life, you just didn't know it. I'm here now to let you know that time is short and you have many things to do. You have to let go, I can't make you. You don't have much time honey, now lay back down and in a few seconds you're going to wake up and see the person you were made to be with and the two of you need to decide where I'll see you next. I was with your mom in Tel Aviv, I escorted her over, she hated leaving you, but she knew she had to. She sends her love and wants you to know how proud of you she is and that she will meet you when you crossover. Time to wake up now," the voice was calm and warm to her now and most, but all, of her fear of it was gone now.
"Bienvenue à mon amour," Fred smiled at her through red rimmed eyes.
Noel struggled to get the words out, but finally was able to say, "Bonjour mon amant magnifique."
"How are you feeling babe?" Fred leaned in and kissed her forehead.
"I feel like my brain is soaking in honey," Noel weakly smiled, "everything's very slow in my head."
"That would be from the meds you're on," Dr. Wilson spoke up from her left side, "You're on the good stuff. Do you remember coming into the emergency room?"
Noel shook her head no. She remembered the party and going to bed, making love with Fred, and awakening to a blinding pain. She also had a vague recollection of a chat with something or someone about time and letting go, but nothing that she could say out loud.
"Well I think that you look much better than the last time I saw you, that's for sure," Dr. Wilson smiled at her, "Your father is outside, but I think the three of us need to talk, do you feel up to that?"
Noel nodded her head yes, "Time to drop the other shoe isn't it?"
"I love what I do for a living," Dr. Wilson began, "this however is part of the job that I hate. The mass has doubled in size. It's pushing on the bladder and the stomach now as well as the kidneys. That's were half of the pain is coming from. We could remove some of the mass to help with the pain, but opening you up would just let the cancer spread throughout your body. I can write you prescriptions for some of the most potent painkillers out there, and they would do the trick for a while, but I afraid that when it comes right down to it, even they won't help for long. I'm so sorry that I have to tell you two this, but it is what it is."
Fred let the tears roll down his face without trying to stop them. He gripped Noel's hand tight and looked at her. She was pale and had a few tears rolling down her face as well.
"H… ho… how long?" she asked.
"It could be two days or two weeks," Wilson shook his head, "With the way it's progressed, I think maybe a week or less. Look I know this is a lot to take in, but most patients don't want to die here…"
There it was the word no one wanted to say out loud, the word that everyone avoided using, the word that made it all too real for everyone, DIE! The three most dreaded letters in the world, the small word that put an end to everything.
"… So if you feel up to it, we'll get you stabilized, arrange hospice care and release you to go home. You two think it over and we'll talk later. Would you like me to send your father in now?" Dr. Wilson asked as he headed for the door.
Noel eyes were wide and her lips were trembling slightly. She gave no sign that she heard anything that he had said, so Fred turned to the doctor and said quietly, "Maybe you better give us a minute, I'll step out and get him."
Wilson nodded his head and stepped out of the room.
"Mon amour, are you alright? Please baby, say something," Fred looked at her as he sat down on the bed.
Noel sat trembling, her eyes glazed over, a look of sheer terror on her face, "I… he … I'm… no… please… no… I can't… I don't… why… not fair… NO, it's not fair, He said it, we never said the word before today. "Fred wake me up and get me out of this nightmare, please oh please," Noel whimpered as tears flowed down her faced.
Fred wrapped his arms around her and held her. She buried her face into Fred's chest and began wail like a small child. Mr. Channel walked into the room about three minutes later.
"Mon petit lapin, are you ok?" he shoots a quick glance at Fred and shrugs his shoulders in confusion.
"Mr. Channel," Fred began, "I think you better take a seat, we have some news for you."
It was after five by the time they got home and got Noel settled in the bed. The hospice people would show up first thing in the morning. Sam, Carly, and Mr. Channel were all on hand to help. Mr. Channel took the first turn sitting with his daughter.
"Are you comfortable mon petit lapin?" he asked her as he placed the last pillow behind her back.
"I'm fine papa," she smiled at him, "I wasn't sure that you would be able to come, I thought the peace talks were something you couldn't miss."
"Lapin, you are the most important thing in my life," he looked at her and she could see his eyes watering up, "Your mother, God rests her soul, was so much better with emotions than I ever was. I've never been good at letting people know how I feel. An occupational hazard of my job I'm afraid, never let the other person know what you think or feel, and I fear that I never told you or your mother how much you meant to me. I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love either of you, but know that in my heart you both were always first. I'm proud of you and the things you have done. You've been the daughter every man dreams of having. I look at you and I see so much of your mother in you that you take my breath away. I don't know what I'll do without you," the tears began to slowly trickle down his face; "A father shouldn't have to bury his child. I would give anything lapin it switch places with you right now, I just… I… you… I… can't," the rest was lost as he held her hand and cried.
Noel pulled him onto the bed and wrapped her arms around him and quietly rocked him saying, "SSSHHH, it's ok papa, it's ok, I always knew you loved me and I was always proud of you, I've been very luck to have had you as a father, SSSHHH, it's ok papa, please stop crying, if you don't stop crying everyone will think I wet the bed."
He pulled his head up to look at his daughter and despite himself laughed. He tried to stop, but he couldn't seem to. He looked at her and she was giggling like a school girl, her face red and the smile was from ear to ear. Mr. Channel found the site of his daughter laughing so strange, given the circumstances, that he laughed even harder which caused him to loose control for a second and break wind, very loudly. This sent Noel into a coughing fit of laughter that brought Fred running into the room to check on her.
"Mon amour, is everything al…" he stopped as he saw them laughing, and then the smell hit him, "Woo, what the hell, did something die in here or what?" the instant it left his lips he regretted saying it, it was such an inappropriate thing to say.
Noel's face went blank and she stared at him for a few seconds, "Don't look at me, I'm still kicking," and then she burst out laughing and pointing to her father.
Mr. Channel turned purple and looked like a school boy caught looking at a Playboy magazine by the teacher. He tried to act nonchalant about everything, but he fell apart quickly and joined the laughter.
Fred decided to keep the mood light and added his brand of humor, "I do hope you don't do that while you are in council at the U.N. or World War III isn't very far away."
Noel found this line funny and kept laughing as she added, "Papa really is the head of the committee that oversees Natural Gas distribution in third world counties," she smiled as her laughing slowed down some.
"Sir, are you embezzling some of the product?" Fred smirked at him.
"I don't have to answer that , I have diplomatic immunity," he smiled back at Fred.
The three of them sat and talked for an hour. They talked of Noel's childhood, her mother, her old boyfriends and crushes, the places they had traveled, and other light, fluffy safe things so as not to ruin the mood. At sometime after ten pm, Mr. Channel told them that he had to get to New York for a special vote, but that he would be back in three days which meant Friday morning around six.
"I love you my petit lapin," he told her as he got up to leave, "I've arranged to take a few months off, so I'll be staying with you two for a little while if that's ok?"
"We'll have the guest room set up for you by the time you get back," Fred said to him as he got up to show him out, "By the way, why do you call her your "little rabbit", if I may ask?"
"When she was able to stand on her own instead of walking she hopped everywhere. Her mother and I worried that she would never walk at all, just hop the rest of her life," Mr. Channel laughed and smiled at Noel.
"Papa, why did you tell him that, now he'll kid me about that it all night long?" Noel glared at him in mock anger.
"My dear, I told because he asked," Her father told her, "and if I know the two of you talking isn't all that is in the cards for tonight."
Fred and Noel both blushed as Noel said, "Papa, I can't believe you just said that."
As they left the room Mr. Channel told Fred to call him if any thing changed. Fred insured him he would and watched as he got into the taxi and left.
Fred closed the door and slowly walked back toward their bedroom. Sam walked up to him with a sandwich on a plate and offered it to him.
"Thanks, but no thanks right now," he smiled at her.
"Freddie, you've been up for almost twenty hours, you've eaten nothing and you look like death… shit," Sam stopped herself from saying death warmed over, "Making yourself sick isn't going to help anyone. Sit down and eat this and rest for a few hours and I'll go in and sit with Noel for awhile. Please."
"Sam I'm just not hungry right now and I'm going to stay in there with her," Freddie told her nice but firmly, "I never thought I'd see the day when Sam Puckett offered me food."
"That's why you should take it," she smiled, "You may never see it happen again. I'm bringing it with me into her room. Don't give me any shit about it either. Got it?"
"Yes, mother," he groaned.
Fred noticed that Noel looked like she was in pain as the entered the room, "Do you need some more pain pills babe?" he asked her.
"I just had one an hour and a half ago. Do you think I should take another one so soon?" she wondered.
"Remember what Dr. Wilson told us, to take one and if it started to hurt you could take up to six at a time without it being lethal," he said as he got her two more pills.
Noel turned to Sam and smiled, "When you're terminally ill, you get all the great stuff you want. I may die, but I'll die fucked up."
Fred and Noel laughed right away. It took Sam about five seconds of trying to hold it in before she began to laugh.
"So if I borrow your x-rays could I get some of them," Sam winked at her and smiled, "We could get rich."
The three of the laughed and then began to talk. Fred fell asleep thirty minutes after he sat down, but Noel wasn't feeling any pain and Sam was awake also.
"Noel, I want you to know that I really love you," Sam said quietly, "when I first met you I couldn't have imagined that I would come to think of you as one of my best friends and a sister. I'm not good at emotional stuff as most people, so hope this comes out right, you have made… my … life… so much brighter just by knowing you," Sam found herself crying, "and I wa… want… to thank you for that."
Noel held out her arms and offered Sam a hug. Sam stood still for a moment, but stepped into the hug.
After they broke from the hug Noel looked at Sam, "Remember my request for you to take care of Fred and not let him crawl back into his shell."
"You have my word Noel," Sam smiled down at her, "I'll give him those four months to grieve and then push him back into the world, and yes I promise to tell him how I feel about him."
"Thank you Sam, it takes a load off my mind knowing that Fred will be watched over after I'm gone," Noel's eyes began to get heavy, "Looks like the meds are kicking in, you don't mind if I go to sleep for a little while."
"Not at all kid," Sam smiled and sat down in a chair and watched Noel fall asleep.
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She floated in the darkness again. It was cool and peaceful, not one sound could she hear. She floated in the void free from the pain and sorrow that had become her everyday life.
"Hello Noel," the voice spoke in its soft calming tone.
"It's not my time is it?" she asked the voice.
"Not quite yet darling," the tone was less frightening to her now than it had been before, "but soon it will be."
"Do you visit all people who die like this?" she asked.
"No," that was all the voice said.
"Why?"
"You'd never understand," it said, "you do understand that time is running out? Remember, only you can truly let go. You're going to wake up now and you're going to be in pain, I'm truly sorry about that, but say what you need to say, because you're almost out of time."
.
Fred sat up with a start when he heard her moaning. He looked around for a second to get his bearings, and immediately grabbed Noel's hand, "Mon amour, what's wrong?"
Her face was racked with pain and she screamed once in great pain. The hospice worker came in immediately and injected Noel's I.V. bag with a pain killer. It calmed her down some, but she still felt the pain. Fred got in bed with her and laid her head on his chest and rubbed her back and began to talk, "We'll get a nice little house by the ocean so we can fall asleep to the sound of the waves. We will be able to build fires on the beach and watch the sun set. We will be able to swim during the day and count the stars at night," Fred looked down at her and saw that the pain was easing up some, "and we can make love under the stars, maybe even in a hammock."
In a very low, weak voice Noel spoke to Fred, "I have loved you since before I even knew you. I can't begin to tell you what you have and continue to mean to me. When the time comes, I need you to let me know that it's ok for me to go, that you will be ok without me."
"Don't talk like that Mon amour, we still have some time, just rest now," Fred rubbed her head with a moist rag, wiping away the thin sheen of sweat that had formed over her face, "I'll be right here, I'll take care of you."
Noel smiled and closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Fred stroked her hair and hummed the tune to "Falling For You" by Colbie Caillat, as a few tears rolled down his face.
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"Are you here?" Noel asked the darkness.
"I'm here," the voice was much closer to her now, "I'm always here."
"Are you God?" she asked.
"Heavens no, I'm just an employee," the voice said with a chuckle, "I'm afraid I don't know the master plan any better than you do."
"My time is close now, isn't it?" Noel asked.
"Yes it is," the voice was so soothing to her, "We will be together for the next little bit, till time for you to go."
"I'm not going to wake up am I?" Noel asked.
"No my dear," the voice told her, "that was your last goodbye; you've slipped into a coma now. The end is very near, all you have to do is let go and we will leave."
"I can't go till I know that he's going to be ok and not crawl back into his shell," Noel told the voice, "I have to know."
"You still have some time," the voice now seemed to be just out of reach, "You need to rest."
"What do we do now?" Noel asked, unsure what would happen till they left.
"Know any show tunes?" the voice chuckled.
.
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"She lapsed into a coma three days ago and hasn't been able to accept any food or water since then," The hospice nurse was filling in the new nurse who was coming on duty, "Blood pressure is down, her heart rate is down, and the only signs that she's given us is she still shows that she's in pain and she responds to the voice and touch of her husband. It's just a waiting game now."
The new nurse nodded to her and entered the bedroom. Fred sat in the bed holding Noel, stroking her hair and arms. Her father sat in a chair on the left side of the bed, looking like a man twice his age, staring at his daughter and rubbing his hands together in a way that looked like he was in prayer. Sam sat in a chair on the right side of the bed rubbing Freddie's right arm and Carly stood near the door. The new shift nurse took all of that in and then began taking Noel's vital signs.
When she was done Fred asked her in a shaky whisper of a voice, "Any change?"
The nurse shook her head and said, "She's still hold on."
The words struck Fred like an invisible slap across the face, and pulled a memory from his mind that he didn't know was there.
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Flashback
"Fred, Freddie, Fredo, the Fredmister, what's up?" the voice shouted loudly.
"What, I'm tired," Fred shouted back.
"Well you sound irritated, feeling better?" the voice asked.
"No as a matter of fact I don't, I hurt like hell. Every part of me hurts including my teeth," Fred said, annoyed at the voice.
"Don't jump down my throat, it isn't my fault. It could be worse you know, you could not feel anything at all," the voice reminded him.
"Look no offence, but if you're going to take me can you just do it and get it over with, I'm tired and don't feel like talking anymore? " Fred asked the voice.
"I can only do what the boss tells me to do, and you ain't going anywhere, the voice sounded a little tickled at Fred's annoyance with it, "listen, in a few moments you're going to wake up again and be in a world of hurt for awhile. When the time comes you are going to remember this talk very clearly and you'll know what to do. I can't just take someone I visit, they have to let go on their own, remember that, THEY HAVE TO LET GO ON THEIR OWN. I have to leave you now Fred, remember what I told you and enjoy all the days that you live, for they are special."
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End Flashback
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"Freddie, are you ok?" Sam shook him and snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked at her and then at Noel's father. He took a steadying breath and looked at Carly before looking down at Noel.
"Mon amour, you came to me during a dark time in my life, I couldn't see any light and had little to hang on to, and then you appeared in front of me, and I found a reason to smile and laugh again," everyone in the room sat back and watched and listened, tears rolling down their cheeks, like they were rolling down Fred's as he spoke, "Baby it's ok to go now, I promise I'll be alright. I'll be sad and lonely for a time, but I promise I'll keep going; I won't hide from the world again. Everything will be fine, you can let go now. Just let the pain slip away, just let it float away baby. Let all the pain go, let all the bad things leave your body, you've done all you can do here baby, listen to the voice and just let go. We'll always have you in our hearts and minds baby," Fred was openly weeping now, as were the others, and stroking her face and hair softly, "just rest now. You can stop fighting and rest baby, please just rest and let go."
.
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"Noel, honey, it's time," the voice now appeared in front of her. It looked like a man, nothing special, just a regular man. He extended his hand and smiled at her, "Take my hand, we have a journey ahead of us. You're going to see many wondrous things, and we need to go. Are you ready?"
Noel listened to and watched Fred as he talked to her and smiled a sad smile and asked, "Will I ever see him again?"
"Someday, when he finishes what he's there to do, I'll walk him over also," the man said with a smile as he extended his hand again, "You have to take my hand, I can't force you to take it, remember."
Noel slowly extended her hand, but before she took his she turned for one more look at Fred, "I have, I do, and I always will love you mon amour. Have a good life and know that I want you to be with Sam or whoever you should meet, I want you to be happy."
She took her left hand and blew him a kiss. She then turned around and placed her hand in the man's hand.
"Here we go honey," he smiled at her and they began to walk toward a distance light.
.
.
Noel drew in a ragged breath and exhaled one last time and then the painful expression on her face was replaced with a smile. Fred could feel the difference in her body and knew immediately what had happened.
His voice took on a heartbreaking tone as he wailed, "That's it mon amour, be at peace."
He bent down and kissed her lips one last time and stood up from the bed. Sam stood in front of him, tears streaming down her face. Freddie looked at her and wrapped his arms around her and wailed as he sank to his knees, still hugging her, "Oh my God, she's gone, she's gone!"
Sam wrapped her arms around his head, which was now at her stomach, and hugged and kissed the top of his head, "We're here for you Freddie, we're here for you," Carly joined them and they hugged Freddie and cried together as Noel's father sat on the bed and held his daughters hand and cried.
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Sorry this one took awhile to write, I'm a little too close to the subject I guess. There is still more to come. We now have to get to the Seddie part of the story. As always let me know what you think!