Chapter 13 Little rays of light

Raven wasn't sure if she was even asleep when the bright light flooded her bedroom. When she had grown up Shawn had said that she could decorate any way she wanted as long as she payed for it all herself. Over the years Raven had collected alot of "decorations" including a battle axe and a small guillotine. All her walls and curtains were black making the room a sauna in the summer but cosy in the winter. The light plastered her face and she squeezed her eyes shut further.

"Up" Shawn commanded throwing open the blinds, the sunshine hurt her eyes more. "I said up. Get up"

"I'm gettin up" Raven said groggily opening her eyes. He would only go away if she got up. "I'm up" She was surprised to see her father set down a tray of waffles and coffee, he even had a smoke for her.

"Eat. Afterwards we are going to sit down like adults and hash this out"

"Hash what out?" Raven said bitterly, now that she was awake all the bitterness she felt came soaring back.

"You know what Raven, we are going to sort this" He came over and stroked a stray curl from her face "I miss my girl and one way or another I'm going to get her back" Shawn's eyes flicked with sadness before going stern "Eat, shower then meet me downstairs. You have exactly thirteen minutes to do all three"

Raven flopped back down on the matress once her door was shut, there was only one good thing about having a room like her's, no one could handle the heat. No one except her.

Exactly thirteen minutes later Raven was dressed and downstairs waiting on her father. Typical that she was on time and he was late. He set down a coffee in front of her along with an ashtray. He hated that his girl smoked but with all the other looming issues, a little bit of nicotine was the least of his worries. In a heartbeat Raven grabbed the white tailormaide, before putting it to her lips she looked at it a little bit suspect. "What did you do to it?"

"Nothing Raven, but I want us to talk and if that means you need that harsh nicotine then ok" Raven put it in her mouth and lit it up. The poison tasted like candy in comparison to sitting here with her father.

"So hows the weather?" Raven asked politely, it was the only thing she could think of without causing a fight.

"Weather is fine" Shawn said inpatiently "Rae we need to talk about the past year"

"No we don't, what happened happened. No one can change that"

He took her hand gently "Rae I'm not the enemy. You should know that"

"Well your the one thats always calling me a screw-up, only enemies do things like that"

He let out a long sigh trying to get out of the way of her harsh smoke. She was puffing it like it was her life line. "Raven I am sorry for everything I've said to you, calling you names and what not doesn't help but I was so angry. Your the smartest girl in this family and your wasting your potential"

"What do you mean I'm wasting my potential? I was giving this wrestlin thing a real go like you told me"

"And then you get snapped for drugs"

"They weren't mine!" Raven slammed her fist on the table angrily, it seemed like no one was ever going to believe her about it.

"Raven just tell me why you hate me so much?"

She didn't say anything for a while, she just puffed in that poison. It was doing more good than anyone realised. "I don't hate you Dad, if anything it feels like you hate me, everytime something bad happens you blame me and tell me all these hurtful things and at the end of it I really honestly believe that you hate me."

"How could you think I hate you?" Shawn asked surprised,

"Well a few days ago I was a junkie who was tryin to sleep my way to the top"

"I was upset Raven, out of all my girls your the one that has the passion and drive for this business, I guess I hated the thought of you taking the easy way out especially if there was anyone that could the hard work it's you"

She let out a small smile "Thanks"

He glanced at the white bandage that she was trying so hard to hide "Raven why are you doing that shit to yourself?"

She shrugged casually "I was hurtin, I guess I needed somethin I could control"

"Raven just so you know people who commit suicide are very selfish and despite what I said your not selfish. Do you have any idea what your death would do to this family? What it would do to me?"

Raven blinked the tears away "I'm afraid to die yet I don't want to live. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes I don't know what to do to make you happy, its like no matter what I do its just not good enough for you"

"Oh sweet heart" Shawn took her hand "I am so sorry that I made you feel that way, trust me I love you just as much as I love the other girls."

"Then why did you leave me?" Raven whispered sadly taking her hand back. Shawn looked at his daughter and finally saw nothing but a scared little girl that desprately needed answers. He hated that she felt that way.

"I'm sorry I left you Raven but I had too"

"No you didn't Dad, you left me to hang and now I'm like this. This is who I am now and I hate it" Raven pulled herself from her seat and rushed upstairs. She just couldn't handle this right now.