"Holes In The Floor Of Heaven"- Steve Wariner
One day shy of eight years old, my grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy, blowing out that birthday cake
How I cried when the sky let go, with a cold and lonesome rain,
Mamma smiled, said don't be sad child, grandma's watching you today
Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven
And her tears are pouring down,
That's how you know she's watching,
Wishing she could be here now,
And sometimes if your lonely,
Just remember she can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven,
And she's watching over you and me,
Seasons come, and seasons go, nothing stays the same
I grew up, fell in love, met a girl who took my name
Year by year, we made a life, in this sleepy little town
I thought we'd grow old together, Lord, I sure do miss her now
But there's holes in the floor of heaven,
And her tears are pouring down,
That's how I know she's watching,
Wishing she could be here now,
And sometimes when I'm lonely,
I remember she can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven,
And she's, watching over you and me,
Well my little girl is twenty three, I walk her down the aisle
It's a shame her mom can't be here now, to see her lovely smile
They throw the rice, I catch her eye, as the rain starts coming down
She takes my hand, says daddy don't be sad,
Cause I know mamma's watching now
And there's holes in the floor of heaven,
And her tears are pouring down,
That's how you know she's watching,
Wishing she could be here now,
And sometimes when I'm lonely,
I remember she can see,
Yes, there's holes in the floor of heaven,
And she's, watching over you and me
Watching over you and me
Watching over you and me
CPOV
"Carlie? You ok in there, Ladybug?" I hear my dad call me from the other side of the bedroom door… where I'm losing my shit.
I knew not having her here today would be the worst kind of pain since losing her… but damn it, I should have her here with me today!
I sniffle and try not to let him know I've been falling apart for the last 30 minutes. "I'm fine, dad. I'll be out in a minute."
I sit back down on the chair by the window and put my face in my hands. Then hear the door creak open.
"Car?"
I look up at my dad's face and know he can tell what's bothering me without me even saying it.
"You wanna talk about it, Ladybug?" He asks, even though I'm 23 and getting married today, he still calls me by my childhood nickname he and my mom gave me.
"…She's not here, daddy…" I sniffle. "The most important day of my life and my mom's not here to help me get dressed and help give me away. It was bad enough when I graduated high school and college… but this is so much more important…"
Dad walks over and crouches down in front of me and places his hands on my knees.
"Sweetheart, you know, after all these years… you know she's here. And I know it's not the same… Nothing makes it easier. Don't let it ruin your day, baby. You've got a man out there who can't wait to marry you. And I don't wanna be the one to tell Alice and Rose you ruined your makeup." He nudges my shoulder, making me laugh a little.
"You're right. You're right, I know. It's just… this is the one day in my whole life I would've needed her the most…" I trail off, then look down at my arm and see what usually pulls me out of my funk.
I run my hand over the ink there and still feel the love she had for me.
Running down my forearm is something that I found in a birthday card my mom had given me when I was 10. It reads;
'I will always love you
Love mama'
I'd found it one day when I was going through my things at the house when I was 20, and knew I needed this.
So I took it to the guy at the tattoo shop my friend runs and he copied it onto a stencil and put it on my arm for me.
It grounded me when I left the shop that day. It made me feel so much closer to mama having it there on me forever.
Dad sees me run my hand over my arm and puts his own hand over mine.
"This is one of the best ways to always have her with you." Then he looks around my neck and sees the urn with her ashes still in it, where it usually stays. "You're surrounded by her today, sweetheart. And I have one thing to add to your outfit." He says, then stands up and pulls a box out of his pocket. Opening it, he turns it to me and I see a beautiful strand of pearls sitting inside. "Gamma gave these to your mom when we got married here, and your mom was going to give them to you on your wedding day… But I guess I can step in and do that for her…" He pulls the pearls out and clasps them around my neck where it sits just above the urn of ashes. Looking in the mirror, I see so much of how my mom looked on her wedding day. Dad says I look more and more like her everyday.
"It still blows me away how much you look like her. She'd be so proud of you, sweetheart."
I lean my head on his shoulder and just look at our reflection. "Thank you, daddy." I whisper.
I finally get myself together and dad and I make our way downstairs, and out the back door to the beach… the same beach my mom and dad got married on.
I thought it'd be the perfect place to get married. And, thankfully, Jared didn't mind it at all.
Walking down the beach on my dad's arm, I feel the warm breeze across my cheek, and look over at dad, and know he feels it, too.
The ceremony is simple and beautiful. And the reception on the deck of gamma and gampa's beach house is amazing. We dance, and sing, and toast to a happy future together.
I do love this man with all my heart, and can't wait to start my life together with him.
When the reception winds down and it's almost time to leave, I notice the clouds have rolled in from the ocean.
Walking towards the front of the house where the car waits for us, I feel the rain start falling down from the sky. I look up and just stare at the sky… and know it's her.
I catch dad's eye and he knows what I'm thinking, too.
I rush over to him and throw my arms around him.
"Don't worry, daddy. She's watching and wishing she could be here. She knew I needed her. She's always watching over us." I tell him with tears in my eyes, seeing his own as the rain starts pouring. "I love you, daddy." I kiss him and turn to go back to my husband.
"Ladybug!" I hear him call before I get in the car, and turn around. "I'll always love you!"
"Always."
A/N: So… like I said before, this story was very personal to me. My mother did fight MS, but her fight was 20+ years long, and in her last year, she found out she had cancer and she had a small stroke. Things went downhill from there for her. She was at a point with her illness that she was in a nursing home because I wasn't equipped to take care of her anymore.
The day the nursing home called me and said 'your mother is unresponsive, and she doesn't have long left.' I rushed over there with my dad, called my sister and brother and they drove down to say goodbye. My brother was the last to get there and not ten minutes after he came in the room, my sister told us mama had a tear coming down her face. And five minutes later, she'd stopped breathing.
My mom held on until her family, the people she loved most, were surrounding her before she finally let go. That last tear was her letting us know she knew we were all there for her.
I do have some of my mother's ashes in a necklace urn so that I can have her close to me whenever I take a trip or I just wanna feel close to her. Before she died, she'd been telling me she wanted to go back to Biltmore, because that was a favorite place of hers. One of mine too. So every year I take her ashes with me when I go to Biltmore for Christmas, or any other time of year I may go up there. It's my way of taking along so she can experience it with me.