Cullen had spent the rest of the afternoon locked in the war room, writing letters he would sent to Templars he knew, reviewing the men they had at their disposition with Leliana's help, picking up those more suited for the mission, studying the map of Redcliffe and its surroundings. And after long hours they had come up with what felt like the best plan given their precarious situation.
He was tired and with his weariness came a light headache. Weak signs of his withdrawal, nothing to be alarmed, and nothing he couldn't handle for the time being. He would soon try to rest, but he still had to see Rylen, and pass the Herald's request to try and make contact with Templars that hadn't yet joined the Lord Seeker. It was a long shot but it could still be worth it.
While walking toward the training yard to see his second in command, Cullen's thoughts brought back Trevelyan and their earlier discussion. She had left so quickly as if something had troubled her, but Cullen couldn't wrap his head around what could have made her suddenly uncomfortable. Was it him, or their fight?
Everything was still so complicated between them at times. At others, like when they had eaten together, it felt so simple. Even earlier when he had taken her in his arms to comfort her it had felt so right. It had seemed to erase their fight. Cullen sighed, wondering if it would ever get easier. Walking the line between their working relationship and a personal one was frustrating.
Cullen was trying to focus back on his work when he reached the training yard. There, as if meant to distract him again from his duty, he caught sight of Trevelyan. She was sitting on crates near the training dummies, her back to him, Cassandra next to her. The two women were talking and, given that the soldiers had finished their exercises for the day, no noise prevented Cullen to hear their conversation.
"…sure it's alright? You two were yelling quite loud for a moment."
"Yes its fine Cassandra, we sort it out."
"Sure? Because it won't help if you two are at each other's throat. "
Cullen didn't want to eavesdrop on them but he found it hard not to listen even for a brief moment.
"I know that, but it's just…" Alexis sighed, her hand running into her brown hair that she had let down from her usual bun. "I know that he fears what magic can do, and in consequence, he is wary of mages in general. And I know that he has his reasons, Kirkwall must have been pretty bad. But sometimes I can't help but think: he was a Templar so if he says this thing it's because I'm a mage and that's the only thing I am to him, not a person, just a mage."
Alexis sighed again, and then drank directly from a bottle she was nursing in her hands before handing it over to Cassandra.
"You do realize that the Commander has left the Order mainly because he could no longer agree with how they were dealing with the mages and the rebellion?" The Seeker asked while taking the bottle then taking a sip.
"Yes I do realize that. But sometimes it's hard. He's so tense about this subject and, well in the Circle you're not there to make friends with Templars, quite the opposite! And I learned the hard way that if you get too close to a Templar it comes back to bite you in the ass, big time!"
"Does this have anything to do with what that mage from Ostwick said to you in Redcliffe?"
"Who, Linnea? Every word out of her mouth was mean so you'll have to be more specific Cassandra." Alexis chuckled.
"That woman clearly holds a grudge against you. But she also mentioned that Templars had done things to you."
"Yeah well, I was strong-headed and it's not usually something that goes along well with Templars."
"You still are Trevelyan!" Said Cassandra lightly mocking her. She then gave back the bottle to Alexis.
"I know. But anyway, if you want to hear more about it I clearly haven't drank enough to make that particular story funny" Alexis snorted.
Cullen didn't want to hear more, he had already heard way more than he should have. His presence still unnoticed by the two women he left to find Rylen, trying not to think about what had happen to Alexis at the hands of Templars. Even if he couldn't help but remember the glimpse he had caught of the scars on her back. They could clearly be consequences of a harsh Templar punishment.
Still dwelling on these unpleasant thoughts he joined his second in command in the tent they were using as a command post. Seeing Rylen hard at work Cullen immediately went back to his Commander self, focusing on the task at hand.
"Commander, I have received the request regarding the men needed for the mission on Redcliffe from Lady Nightingale, I'll make sure each and every one of them is ready."
"Good. We need them at their best; they'll be our only chance at saving the Herald if our attempt at seizing the castle discreetly fails."
"I have reviewed the plan. It's risky but I believe it has a decent chance to succeed." Said Rylen, sounding confident. "We can trust Lady Nightingale's agents to do the job Commander."
"I'm more concerned about sending the Herald right in the lion's den!" Cullen said, rubbing at the back of his neck, unable to shake off his worries regarding Trevelyan's safety.
"I've read the report about that Magister and his cultists, these Venatori. They sure look dangerous and it's a good thing that we're going to deal with them. In any case, I've seen the Herald fight, seen her train with Lady Pentaghast sometimes, she's good! She'll be more than capable at facing the Magister."
"I know. Anyway, I'll need you to oversee the rest of the army while I'm gone. I'll be going to Redcliffe too. If something goes wrong I must be there to lead the attack."
"Of course Ser, I'll keep everything up and running while you're away."
Cullen had plain confidence in his second in command. Rylen had been an outstanding Templar in Starkhaven. He had led the relief effort sent to Kirkwall after the Chantry's explosion and Cullen had quickly established an efficient working relationship with the man. It was good to see him confident regarding the plan.
"I'm sure you will. There's another thing I need you to do, reach out to every connection you still have among the Templars, we have to try and convince some of them not to join the Lord Seeker."
"Aye. I've heard of the troubling things that are going on. I'll send words to whoever I can."
"Great, that will be all. I'll be at the Chantry if there's a problem."
"I'll make sure everything is ready for your depart Commander."
"Thank you Rylen. I'll see you in the morning."
Rylen gave him a salute and Cullen left the tent, walking away from the camp towards Haven. He hoped the men were ready. He hoped even strongly that they wouldn't be needed, that Leliana's agents would be enough to protect the Herald and prevent Gereon Alexius's trap from closing around her. He had to believe in their success. As the leader of the Inquisition's forces he couldn't let his men see his doubts, for their own faith in the mission would falter should their commanding officer show signs of hesitation.
Walking back to Haven he met Cassandra, also on her way to the village.
"I've heard that we'll be ready to depart in the morning?" She asked coming to a halt next to him.
"Yes, Leliana and I agreed that the sooner we strike, the better. More of these Venatori could gather at Redcliffe with each passing day. We need to stop them before they become a force we cannot match."
"Leliana told me that you plan on coming with us?"
Crossing her arms under her bust she studied Cullen with a piercing gaze. Many would have mistaken the Seeker's apparent coldness for a sign of distrust but Cullen's time in her company had taught him that it was more often out of concern.
"Yes. I'll feel better being the one to lead the rescue mission should our plan fail."
"In that case you should rest Cullen. The road to Redcliffe isn't a pleasant one, and you look like you haven't slept in days." He looked away for a moment and it was all that Cassandra needed to understand. "You haven't…"
"Barely." He sighed.
The nightmares were becoming worse. Lately his only solution had been to work till exhaustion and then pray to fall into a dreamless sleep. It had worked…For a time.
"It's the Lyrium, is it?"
"Yes. I… I just can't escape the nightmares now."
"I know it must be hard Cullen, but you need to find a way to take some rest, some real rest! Not a few hours snatched after working yourself to sleep. Have you talked to Adan? Maybe he'll have a potion that can help."
Cassandra was the only person who knew about his decision to stop taking Lyrium. Well, no that wasn't quite right, Leliana also knew, but only because it was nearly impossible to keep a secret from her. And the spymaster had never made any comment about it. Cassandra, on the other hand, had supported him from the start and her confidence in him, in his ability to face this trial and still be able to fulfill his duty, was reassuring.
"No I haven't. But you're right. I'll do it, I suppose it can't hurt."
He said, running a hand through his hair, still feeling the low pulse of a faint headache.
"And if you want one last advice, you should sort things out with the Herald. You two are giving each other a needless hard time!"
That last remark took him aback. And Cullen knew he failed at keeping his composure.
"Everything is fine with the Herald Cassandra." He said, trying to avoid the subject of his relation with Trevelyan.
"Everything is fine… that's what the two of you are saying. Yet you are still bothered and she couldn't walk out of the Chantry fast enough after your fight." She said squinting at him. "I know you Cullen, things aren't just as sorted out as you say they are."
"There's no need to worry about it. The mage rebellion is a touchy subject for Trevelyan but it's not because we fight this once that we won't be able to work together." He tried to sound dismissive, but the Seeker knew better.
"That's not it Cullen, you're evading the real point, just like she did." Cassandra said, sighing and looking a bit bored by his clumsy attempt at evading the subject. "I don't know what's going and you both are too stubborn for me to waste time trying to get it out of you. But I'll tell you this, you both have suffered because of the rivalry between mages and Templars, so try not to inflict that on each other!"
Not waiting for an answer Cassandra left Cullen to his thoughts, all for the better as no clever answer came to his mind. She was right, but it was also more complicated than she could imagine. Of course both their past and their suffering were getting in the way of building a real understanding and trust, and they had to find a way to no longer see the reflection of their own pains in each other. It was already hard enough just dealing with this. Dealing with feelings and his attraction to her was only making it worse. He had to find a way out of this situation.
Focusing on the task ahead and on the survival of everyone one in Haven, of his soldiers, was the only solution that came to his mind. He had always been able to put his duty before anything else, before his family, his friends… Even before the youthful desires he had once felt. He wasn't going to falter now.
Passing the training yard he caught sight of someone standing at the far end of the field: A silhouette standing against the faint light of a fading day. Trevelyan. She was facing away from him, gazing at the landscape, holding her coat close to her chest, her long brown hair looking almost black in the dying light.
For a moment Cullen wanted to join her, to know what she was thinking of while gazing at the frozen mountains. But he stopped himself before he could make a step towards her. Tearing his gaze away from her, he left. She was beyond his reach, and he couldn't let himself be distracted by her any longer. Duty had to come first.