Ready Or Not – Chapter 12 – Because You Love Me

The ride home was quiet. Other than Zac asking if she was 'alright' and numerous 'I love you's', very little was said. Once back at Zac's house it was almost as if they'd traveled backwards about two weeks to the time when Anessa only wanted to be at his home for the safe feeling.

Zac allowed her withdrawal without putting up any arguments or pushing. He remembered vividly what Dr. James had said about feelings of depression. Zac had seen Anessa through a couple of other intensely 'down' times of her young adult life. He hoped and prayed that he could do it again.

He left the television off. He stayed off the computer, choosing to sit down on the couch – out in the open space – and look through the mail, a couple of scripts he had received, and a book that he had been reading for the past month. He just wanted to be in a place where she could find him if she needed to. The fact that she had gone back into the guest room and closed the door behind her didn't surprise him. But he made a mental note that he didn't have to take the same action.

She was hurt, that was obvious. Her tough outer shell had been cracked weeks ago. The vulnerable Anessa that few people knew had already begun to leak out. And between the chaos, and confusion, that part of her was being raked over the coals again. Zac wanted to be there for her, not make it worse.

Still, there was a part of him that was joyful that there was no baby. It was as if God was truly giving them a second chance together, to make a life and family together without the stress of a blended family right off the bat. As warm as that feeling made him, the thought of sharing it with Anessa poured ice cold water all over him. Now wasn't the time, nor was she in any mood for him to present a zealous hope for their future together.

He took a deep breath and looked around the room, moving his eyes off the typewritten page for a few seconds. Zac smiled to himself and laughed silently. He'd been staring at the same page for fifteen minutes and still had no clue what it said. His mind wasn't on any of the paperwork or reading material sitting near him. He leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. His mind was in the guest room with the beautiful woman who was lying in the bed rubbing a still-shaking hand over her belly and crying over the mistaken opportunity and the two men whose lives she had turned upside down.

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I need to tell Acer. Her mind circled with different thoughts revolving that one fact. Was she back to square one in her relationship status? She had told Zac that she loved him and wanted nothing more than to be with him – but was it fair to Acer to drop him because of one mistake?

Do I still love Acer? Did I ever? Is my love for Zac as strong as his is for me? I can't use him or lead him on. He means too much to me. She pulled at the shirt over her stomach and let her hand press against the skin. This shouldn't be complicated. It should be less complicated now. There's no baby. I ran to Zac because I trusted him and because I love him. Or was it because I wanted to get away from everyone and everything that was happening? Now… now what?

She rolled onto her back and put her hand over her eyes feeling stray tears sliding down each side of her face onto the pillows. Now? For now she didn't want to move off the bed. She didn't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere or face any choices or anything that required actually thinking. Shouldn't I be relieved that I'm not pregnant? I have more premiere appearances to make, another project to film in just a few weeks, meetings with my agent and marketing team… Her mind span again and she willed every thought about everything to just leave her alone for a few minutes at least.

Anessa lifted her hands weakly and pressed fingers to her temples, circling, mindlessly applying outward pressure to ease the inward ones. Miraculously, she decided, she felt a calm sense run through her. Her tears stopped and for a few moments all she could think about was the feeling of her own fingers against her head.

"God?" she whispered against the shadows that were beginning to make the room dark. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling now, or what I'm supposed to do. I need help getting back into my life as it was – if that's what I'm supposed to do. That's the thing though…I feel like I SHOULD know what I'm supposed to do, but I just can't. Acer's on my mind…but Zac's in my heart...I think..." Her words ended with that thought as she heard the phone ring somewhere in the house.

She listened for Zac's voice or any indication that he was still there. She had followed him into the kitchen from the garage when they arrived after the ultrasound. He had tossed his keys onto the counter and then turned around and immediately pulled her into a loving embrace. There were no ulterior motives behind his hug. He had given her no reason to believe that he wanted anything more than to comfort her. And yet, when she wriggled free from his hold she had given him just a sad smile and a gentle request.

"I just kind of want to be alone for a little bit, okay?" Anessa stared at his cheek, avoiding his caring eyes.

"Okay, whatever you need, I'll be right here. I love you," Zac had offered.

Without a response other than a slight nod, she turned and walked to the guest bedroom. Zac hadn't made a move to come after her or insisted on a response to his endearing words.

Now she heard his voice speaking, apparently into the phone. She couldn't make out the words he was saying and had no clue who he was talking to. It didn't matter, really. The only thing that did matter was the slight bit of comfort she felt, hearing his easy, tenor tone just feet away from her. He was still there. He hadn't left. He hadn't come into the room or pushed her for anything in that small span of time. But he was still there. That has to count for something, right?

Her shoulders relaxed and she let out a cleansing breath. It had to count.

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"Hey, Lyza," Zac's voice was gentle, but slightly graveled - a point that his female friend picked up on immediately.

"Hey, Yourself, Stranger. I – I haven't heard from you in a bit, since…well, you know, since …" Lyza hesitated to say Anessa's name. It had taken her nearly the entire month to find the courage to call Zac to check in on him.

He had left a couple of messages for her a few days after Ani's appearance at his house. But those simply said Anessa was working through some things and he was trying to help her. His friendly voice had given no indication of the true situation with his ex-girlfriend.

Lyza had pushed beyond her jealousy and nerves as well as any woman possibly could, given the situation. However she was ready to know more about Zac's involvement and exactly what was going on. With two glasses of wine and a stronger bout of confidence, she had decided to call.

"…since the night Ani got here," Zac supplied the end of her struggling sentence.

"Yeah," Lyza let out a slightly frustrated breath but then took in another along with a sip of glass number three. "So," she began again, "How are things going?" She tried to sound supportive and yet less than immensely curious.

"Meaning?" Zac caught her words and intonation along with the breathing pattern that hinted toward her reasons for calling.

"Meaning…" she sighed slightly, "I haven't heard from you and I figured it's because you're still involved with A-Anessa," she answered.

"Ly," Zac sympathized.

"I'm sorry, Zac. I don't want to be nosey. I don't want to push. But don't I deserve to know something?" Her voice grew slightly stronger with the warmth from another sip of the alcohol.

"Lyza?" Zac wrinkled his nose at this beginning of a conversation. "What is it you need to know?" He kept his tone gentle and thought about the information that he didn't need to divulge on Anessa's behalf.

"Uh," she hesitated, "Quite simply, are you back with Anessa?" she finally blurted like a teenager.

Zac looked toward the guest bedroom door. Had Lyza called yesterday he would've done his best to ease into a confident answer of 'Yes'. Now, however, that secure, strong answer was wavering. Was Anessa still at his house? Yes. But were they back together?

"That's a good question, Ly. At this moment in time, I'm not sure." Zac dropped haphazardly to the seat on the couch thinking about the woman on the phone who appeared to care more about his relationship status than he wanted to admit.

On the other end of the phone Lyza sat up a bit straighter, ready to press forward with a few more questions, since his first answer was 'iffy', at best. "Are you still…helping her?" She questioned.

Zac closed his eyes thinking over the past few hours of the day. "Yes," he nodded as he answered. "And for now, at least, she's still here at my house." Before she could question more, Zac continued, "Ly, I can't really go into details, okay? I'm sorry. It's just – I'm helping a friend. I really don't know if this will result in anything more for us – Anessa and I, I mean – or not. But I need to be here for her right now. If that upsets you, I'm sorry, but it won't change what I need to do."

Lyza closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting his words actually penetrate her slightly-inebriated mind. "I understand, Zac. And I apologize if I'm sounding like a complete ass. I don't mean to. I really am just worried about you and wondered how you were doing."

Zac's shoulders eased. He could talk to Lyza like this – Lyza, his other 'friend'.

Following the rest of his half hour phone conversation Zac had watched Anessa cross the hall into the bathroom and then caught her eye as she headed back to her self-imposed solitary confinement. He wondered if she had overheard any of his chat with Lyza.

He hadn't said anything to give away what was actually going on. In his thoughtful way, Zac had confided to Lyza that Anessa needed him and he wouldn't walk away from that. And, as the thoughtful friend that she was, Lyza accepted his answer and simply asked if they could go out to dinner again sometime soon.

It was an offer that Zac was willing to accept. Something inside of him told him he might need it. He stared out at the waning sunlight after hanging up the phone and heard the bedroom door open. The look Anessa had given him on her return across the carpet was sad, tired and practically aching. Whatever more was troubling her, Zac only knew that he either needed to help Anessa or – if she ultimately turned to Acer or someone else – he would need Lyza's shoulder to cry on.

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Zac was nearly asleep when he felt the bed dip on the opposite side. He had left the bedroom door open on purpose – for this purpose. He shifted from his position on his left side onto his back and turned his head just as Anessa pulled the covers over her.

"You okay?" He asked quietly into the darkness.

Anessa shrugged her shoulders knowing he couldn't see the motion but without the emotional strength to say anything. She was a bit startled when she felt his warm hand touch her shoulder.

"Ani?" His voice spoke again and she raised her shoulder enough for him to feel it and enough for her to lean her cheek over and brush against his hand.

"Come here, Baby," Zac nudged his hand under her neck until he could wrap around her other shoulder and pull her towards him. He noticed the little bit of resistance but continued until she gave in and let him wrap her in an embrace. "What can I do?" He wondered with a whispering kiss against her hair.

Anessa moved around slightly grasping his forearm with both of her hands. She pulled his arm a little tighter against her body and held on as she took a deep breath. "I'm more confused now than I was when I came here, I think," she finally admitted.

Zac tensed and waited for any other explanation she might give. After a few moments of silence he brushed his lips against her head and let out a shaky breath. "You know I'll do whatever you want me to. Name it, Ani. I'll do whatever I can to make this better for you."

"I know," she squeaked slightly as she spoke, a testament of the tears that had been cried and ones that were still on the verge of falling. "I just… I love you, Zac. I know I love you and I don't want to hurt you – again," her voice cracked at that one word.

Zac's muscles tightened more and she could hear the noisy breath he was now attempting to take. "But," he edged on hoarsely.

"But – I don't know what to say after that," Anessa twisted slightly, trying to stay in his hold but trying to face him on the mattress. "There's no baby. You have to be thrilled about that," there was no mistaking the touch of sarcasm in her hurting sounds.

"Anessa," Zac's soft but fatherly tone attempted to discipline her thoughts.

"No, I – I didn't mean it like that," she continued with little additional strength. "I knew not to say it like that…I just…" she stopped mid-sentence and pressed her forehead against the base of his neck, feeling his Adam's apple nudge her head when he swallowed.

His next breath was followed by muscles relaxing and a gentle hand stroking against her back. "Ani, I love you. I've told you that and I will continue telling you that. Acer's baby, my baby, no baby... I - love - you. That's not going to change. This won't sound right either but you need to know…" he hesitated as he thought about his words and whether or not they would have a positive effect on her; or if she would even hear them in her current state of mind.

"You have decisions to make; people you need to talk to, things that I know aren't my business. And I can't make those decisions for you. But you can stay here as long as you want. I'll try to help you if you want me to. And no matter what decisions you make, I'll still be here and I'll still love you."

In the moment he wanted desperately to make every decision for her and create an environment that wouldn't require her to lift a finger or worry about anything. He wanted nothing more than to lift her chin so their lips could meet and kiss her the way he felt she needed – gently, lovingly. But Zac also knew a move like that would just add to her confusion and negate every word he had just said to her.

So instead of kissing her he kept his arms wrapped around her and let her confused, aching teardrops fall against his chest.

"What if," Anessa whispered through her quiet tears, "what if my decisions take me away from you again?" She pressed her lips together and tried to hold back the tear-infested breaths she was straining to hide.

Zac squeezed her body against his and swallowed roughly. "Do you mean for work; or for your relationship with Acer?"

Anessa was quiet. She knew she was doing exactly what she didn't want to do – hurting him. "I don't know what I mean right now," she tucked the tip of her thumb between her lips and pressed her cheek against his chest. "I don't know what I want, Zac. I don't know what I need…" She stopped long enough to catch the sound of his heart beating and then sucked on her thumbnail to try and calm her thoughts.

She felt his hands massaging her arms, holding her close and giving her gentle reassurance. She heard his breath as it evened out and felt the air from his nose as it blew across her hair in the darkness.

After a few minutes she moved her hand down and stretched her fingers and palm enough to touch a width of his chest. "Was that Lyza who called earlier?" she moved her hand gently to take in the contours of his muscles over his ribs.

Zac nodded against her head but didn't say anything.

"She's upset that I'm still here, isn't she?" Anessa rubbed her face against his pectoral. "I don't blame her, you know?" She continued. "She seems very genuine, down to earth."

Zac took in a breath but stopped short of filling his lungs. "She's become a good friend. But I didn't tell her anything about the baby or you and Acer – other than the fact that you're still here and I'm here for you," he somewhat declared, trying to put an end to her change of topic.

"Ok," Anessa shrank back slightly. "I just – I don't want to be in her way…in your way of being with her, I mean. I'm sorry if I messed that up."

"Ani, stop it," Zac squeezed her arms and then pushed her to make space between them. "You didn't come in here to talk about me and Lyza. You came in here exhausted from the roller coaster you've been on for the past few weeks and torn up because of your feelings for me and for Acer. That's one of those decisions that you have to make." He paused for a moment and took several more shallow breaths.

"Whatever you decide, Anessa, I love you. I always will. I've tried to make that clear and I'll try not to push you or pressure you. You're going through hell. I don't understand it. I can't understand it. I'm not in love with Lyza the way I love you…or… the way - I imagine - you love Acer. You have to make that choice. Just know that either way, I'll still love you."

She could hear the subtle nuances in his voice. The hurt, the anger, the frustration…the love and care; it was all there in those few sentences. It added to the confusion of her heart but one thing appeared completely clear in the moment.

Anessa reached out and ran her hand down his arm until she could link their fingers. She took his limp hand and raised it to her still-damp cheek. She moved it next to her lips where she placed soft kisses against his knuckles. "You know how you can help me right now, don't you?" Her voice whispered tentatively. "Take my mind off everything else, Zac. Show me how much you want me to really be yours again."

Her quiet plea didn't confuse him. Zac closed his eyes and pressed his lips together; the fear and confusion in her tone ringing through his mind. "Anessa, don't," he spoke quietly but with authority.

"But if you love me…I need you, Zac. I need you to show me how much you love me," her tiniest voice reached his ears, drawing his eyelids down to try and keep control of the situation that was threatening to develop.

Anessa moved and pressed herself against him until their lips touched. She slowly wrapped her free arm around his neck and urged him to accept her request.

While his heart and body enjoyed the moment she was trying to share with him, Zac's head knew better. He let the kiss continue; let her run her fingers through his hair for just a few minutes. But before she could take things further he pulled away and took a much deeper breath.

"Because I love you, we can't do this. I won't do this. You know that." He shook his head and found a way to look into her eyes, using just the sliver of moonlight trailing into the room. "You need time, Anessa. You need to talk to Acer. And, maybe going to a counselor would help. Give yourself time to figure things out. Your world must be spinning off its axis and this time...Baby, this time I don't know if I can help slow it down or not. I'll be here. You can stay here if you want. But we can't do this, Anessa, until you know, for sure, what you want and what you need. Okay?"

The disappointed brown eyes quickly looked down, ashamed of her attempt, and tried to turn away from him. The pain that shot through Zac's heart nearly mirrored what he had gone through during the ultrasound; delight and disappointment all rolled into one.

As she rolled to her side to avoid his watching eyes Zac wrapped his arm around her. "I didn't say you needed to leave my bed. Just let me hold you again, please?" He asked as he held her wilted form.

"You can hold me, but you can't make love to me?" She asked with a soft, dejected voice.

"Making love isn't the only way I can show you that I love you. Now, let me hold you and try to go to sleep. You need to rest. Dr. James said so." His arms held her close to him and after just a moment of resistance she let her head relax onto the pillow and allowed herself to find comfort in his embrace.

The two laid silently, finding comfort in the embrace of their bodies sharing a common warmth. A soft hum across her lips signaled Zac that she was, in fact, taking his advice. Her head lolled back against his shoulder, allowing him to graze his lips against her forehead.

"I won't give you up easily, Anessa Hart. I won't pressure you, it's your decision but I won't give up easily – unless you tell me to." He brushed his lips over her soft skin once more. "You know why, don't you?" He asked with every intention of repeating the words to her.

"Hmmm," her voice interrupted his, "Because you love me." Her eyelashes fluttered slightly but never opened.

Zac held her tightly and shut his own eyes with a bit of relief flowing through him. "That's right, Baby. Don't ever forget that."

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