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not beta'd
Word Prompt: Howl
My life is all about lines being crossed. The drugs, the violence, the things I know about but choose to turn away from. Alec crossed one the night he hit me, and I crossed one when I made the decision to kiss Masen that day by the door.
We crossed a big one today, and there's no way I could ever tiptoe back to how things used to be, not even if I wanted to. It's just Masen and me now, bare and kissing, and when he gets hard again after awhile I let him inside like it's nothing.
Except it's not nothing, not at all.
It's faster this time, harder, tinged with desperation, like we're chasing completion this time instead of losing ourselves in the process. But that doesn't make it any less, and if I thought Masen was gorgeous before it's nothing compared to how he looks now, losing control when he bucks up into me, hands grabbing, stomach tensing until he sits up and hold me close, his face buried in my neck.
He slips a hand down between us, touching me until I come. It takes him longer; our first time wasn't that long ago. But I love it. I need it. I'm distantly aware that jumping from one relationship into another is not the best or the healthiest, but I'm not interested in a relationship. I'm interested in Masen, and all that he entails.
Alec thought he was getting a down-to-ride girl with me, and for awhile that's who I was to him. I stayed by his side for a long time, even when I realized we were getting him pretty deep with things I wanted nothing to do with. Turns out I'm still down to ride...just not with him. It's Masen. Always.
He pulls back a bit, tugging my chin down down so he can kiss me as he comes. We rock slowly back and forth, drifting back down like autumn leaves, peaceful.
"I have to take a shower," I whisper, kissing him all over his face as I climb off. I'm a total mess.
"Go ahead," he says, nodding. "I'll be right in."
Going home everything is different. There's a peace in my heart I haven't felt in a long time, like maybe everything is going to be okay. For the first time in awhile I have hope . I know that, in a week's time, things will be different.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid, because I am. So afraid. But I've lived in fear of one type or another for so long that it's normal. Which sucks, but that's my life. At least this fear is tempered with hope.
There's no one home when we get back. Masen drops me off and returns to his place at the end of the property. I know it's important we maintain appearances but I hate it. It feels counter-intuitive, like we should be closer than ever right now, not separate.
I walk aimlessly around, listening to the wind howl up the hillside and scream through the eaves as I survey the immaculate kitchen and the clean floors. Maggie was here earlier, and it smells like she even started something in the crockpot. She does that sometimes. I think she feels sorry for me, but like all of our employees, she's bound by silence. She keeps her mouth shut, does her job, and gets paid.
My stomach growls, and I realize that for once Masen and I didn't go out to eat. I pad over to the crock pot and peer in, my mouth watering at the sight of what appears to be some sort of stew, packed with potatoes, carrots and dumplings.
Suddenly my phone rings, startling me. I drop the serving spoon and fish the phone from my bag.
Alec.
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby. You get that massage?"
"Yeah, I did. Thanks."
"They do a good job?"
I close my eyes, smirking. "They did. They...went really deep."
"Good, good. You deserved it."
I swallow the urge to say something rude. I deserve a hell of a lot more than a stupid massage, and we both know it. My silence probably communicates that, though, because he clears his throat after a second.
"So listen, it's gonna be a late night for me. Felix and I are down South..."
"You didn't tell me you were leaving again."
"Yeah, well, something came up. Don't worry; we'll be fine."
"I hate being up here by myself. It gives me the creeps." This is true, actually. I'm torn between wanting Alec Dvoskin to stay away from me and being nervous and alone. Ugh.
"You're not alone, baby. Masen's right down the road. Have him come up, stay on the couch or something."
I smile at my reflection in the window.
"Yeah. Maybe I will."
Masen and I have dinner together, and then he sleeps on the couch while I retire to the bedroom. Knowing he's so close makes me feel really good, even though I hate that he's out there and I'm in here. I'd never risk going to him, but every part of me cries out to.
Alec is in bed, fully dressed and on top of the covers, when I wake in the morning. I have no idea when he came in, and I'm careful not to wake him.
After coffee and breakfast, Masen takes me to the gun range. It's my fourth time, and while I'm no sharpshooting badass, I'm a lot more confident and capable than I was before. I'm able to hit my target a lot of the time, and Masen assures me that if I'm ever in a "bad situation", I'll definitely be able to do some damage.
I detest fighting and violence. I understand that they are an integral part of the life I lead, but I hate them. Knowing that I might one day have cause to inflict pain on someone else makes me ill.
"I'm surprised Alec hasn't said anything about us coming here," I comment, once we're back in the car and headed back to the Berkeley Hills. "Or that he hasn't noticed."
"I disabled your GPS." He says it so casually, but I'm a little taken aback.
"How?"
"It's not that hard. And if he notices, he'll just assume something went wrong electronically. It's not like you ever knew it was activated anyway, so you'd have had no reason to disable it yourself."
I nod, frowning as turn my gaze out the window. What he's saying makes sense, although I notice he didn't really answer my question. Sometimes I think there might be more to Masen than what meets the eye. He's trained well, that's obvious, but all of Alec's guys are to a degree. With Masen there's a little extra something, though. It could be because he's an outsider, someone who had be of a higher caliber, and had to prove themselves to get in. Unlike Felix, who's a blood relative, and Marcus, who Alec's known since elementary, Masen was referred in. If you're not family, and you're not a close, close friend (so close you might as well be family) then you have to be spoken for.
I don't know who spoke for Masen, because I keep out of Alec's business – literally –but someone had to. Makes me want to know more, to ask more questions, but we'll have time for that once we're free. I don't want to put him in a rough spot, demanding things that could get him in trouble.
"Where'd you go?" chuckles Masen, running his hand over my arm. "You disappeared on me there."
I shake my head, unable to keep from smiling at him when he looks at me this way, sideways glances with eyes catching the afternoon light, a lazy, crooked, smile. I melt.
"Thinking about you."
"What about me?"
I bite my lip, not feeling like talking about the serious stuff. "Nothing. Where are we going? Tilden? I'm hungry."
"There's this taco truck..."
"Definitely."
"Yeah?"
"Yes." I give a decisive nod, belly already rumbling.
I put my hand on his lap, and he twines our fingers together.
We end up in the woods, somewhere off in the cut, way up in the hills. For someone who didn't grow up here, he sure knows his way around, especially the quiet, isolated spots with dreamy views peeking through the trees and lots of privacy. I sit on the hood while he stands beside, and we talk while we eat messy tacos, trading stories about when we were kids. This is the stuff I like knowing about him, because as imperfect as it can be, there's something golden about childhood.
He finishes before I do, and after we've wiped up with napkins and washed everything down with Mexican Coke, we fall silent, letting the forest sounds of trees rustling, birdsong and little animals replace our chatter. Pretty soon it becomes apparent that this time he's the one lost in thought, eyes unfocused as he stares at something unseen. I watch him for awhile, admiring him...not just the pretty outside, but the brave, protective inside. He makes me feel safe...and maybe loved.
After a second he blinks and turns, smiling slowly when he catches me watching. He comes closer, wedging himself between my bent legs, hands hooked beneath my knees. I'm wearing leggings today, so it's easier to feel where he presses against me. Maybe I'll always wear leggings.
Sometimes, like now, just his eyes smile. "Hey."
"Hey."
He grows serious, and we stare at one another until I get squirmy. "I used to think about you, sometimes," I say.
"Yeah? I used to think about you, too."
"I mean, like...I'd fantasize." My voice falls to a shy whisper, and my heart beats fast, even though he surely knows this. And even though we've already been so, so physical.
He nods slowly, his eyes cast down. All I can see are those long lashes. My heart skips. "What did you fantasize about?" he asks, just as hushed.
"About being with you. The way we were yesterday."
He nods again, a tiny smile playing at the corner of his mouth. "That it?"
My face burns, and I swallow. "I imagined you kissing me everywhere."
"I imagine kissing you everywhere, too."
I lock my ankles around his legs to keep him close so I can kiss him.
And I do. Over and over, I kiss him.
At home, James and Nahuel are in the kitchen with a tall, brawny guy I've never seen. My stomach tightens, and I wish, for a moment, Masen had come inside with me. We always assume that potential threats loom once we leave the house; we never think about what could happen here. Which is stupid, I know. Especially with the life we lead.
Felix and Marcus are usually around, and we trust them as much as anyone, but I don't see them. More importantly, where's Alec?
"Hi there, Bella," James says, leering. He's so gross. I've caught him checking me out more than once, in ways that make me feel naked. Then again, he looks at most girls that way...which makes it even worse.
"Hi," I say, clipped. My hand hovers on my phone, ready to speed dial Masen.
Then two things happen: Alec strides in from the direction of the bedroom and there's a sharp knock behind me on the door. I whirl around and peek through the peephole, relieved to see Masen's face.
"Hey," I breathe, once I've opened the door.
"Hey." His eyes are on the scene behind me, and suddenly I think about the secret camera. Does he...watch? Does he see what happens here now? He must. Maybe he works for another family. Or maybe he has a personal vendetta. Anything's possible. Unsettled, I let him in and shut the door, rubbing my hands up and down my arms.
Alec gives us a wave. "Was wondering when you'd be home."
"Manicure," I say, fluttering my fingers. It's a lie. Gel manicures last twice as long as regular, so I go way less than I used to, and it's not like Alec notices my stupid nails anyway.
It used to not be that way. He used to be ultra-observant, but it's like the pressure and the coke are dulling him down. It's destroyed our relationship, and it's affecting how he handles himself, how he runs his business. Even I can see that.
And so now he smiles blandly at me and nods, already absorbing himself to whatever's going on with James and his friends. I glance at Masen, who looks back at me.
"I'm gonna...go to my room," I murmur.
He nods quickly, and I disappear.
Aja (IReen H) makes me crave Mexican Coke.
ok. so, when you're reviewing, make sure you are SIGNED IN. it's ok if you want to be anon - "guest" - but i cannot answer your reviews/questions/concerns/rants if you are. ff net likes to sign you out randomly, so just, keep an eye out. also, i do not filter my reviews. ff net does that for me, and i have to moderate them and if i don't go on to ff net (like on sundays, b/c i don't post) then i don't realize i have reviews that need to be approved.
also, don't major on the minors. these are imperfect characters who make bad choices sometimes - like play with drugs and stay with psycho boyfriends. they do dumb things like hooking up with nameless blondes before getting serious with the girl they really want. is it yucky? yesssss. but do these things happen? yes. some of you are going to find this less palatable than others, i get it, but just...don't major on the minors.
that said, i appreciate you all and adore your candor and commentary. xoxo