Previously:
Scared beyond measure now, Kili swallowed with difficulty and forced himself to follow Fili's stark gaze to the wide door.
Had Thorin's furious expression filled his sight, Kili might have felt less terrified.
Horror coursed in a river of ice down Fili's spine and he whirled around to face his brother. His eyes widened in dismay when he saw that Kili had wrenched himself upright and was staring in glazed terror at the enormous shadow filling the door.
"Kili, no!" Fili shouted, grabbing his brother's shoulders and compelling him to tear his gaze away. "Kili, don't look at him! Look at me! By Durin's name, Kili, don't do this to me again!"
Paralyzed by fear, blinded to all save the lumbering giant crossing the threshold, Kili could not even blink. His tongue clove to the roof of his mouth and his head spun with the certainty that he would die this day. There would be no blow to the head and then merciful darkness as penalty for his foolishness. He would surely be killed this time, and no one would be strong enough to save him.
"B-Baldor..." Kili lisped, violent shudders raking through his body as his mind hazed over and ceased to make sense. Side tunnel, short drop into the cavern, might be able to climb the sides without him catching up - fingers small enough, could find enough crevices he can't reach...
"Kili, is that ... is that 'Baldor?' The one who hurt you?"
Bilbo's voice, calm and reasonable, filtered through the maze of tunnels and darkness as he ran for his life.
"Don't be a fool, Bilbo. The Goblins would have lost too many of their own foul warriors in an attempt to take Beorn prisoner. Here now, let me through."
The one in the tall hat shifted in the glare of the forge's light and Kili fell back against another slave, yelping shrilly as his escape was blocked. Arms stronger than his own wrapped around him and he fought and struggled, drawing a convulsive, ragged gasp when Baldor stepped forward.
"N-no! No!" he shouted, flinging himself to the side and sinking his teeth into the forearm slung around his shoulders. His captor cursed and released him and Kili twisted onto his side, crying out as his swollen shoulder hit the floor. He scrambled to his hands and knees, only to be grabbed from behind by another slave. Wiry arms wound about him in an unyielding grip, the flap of a cloth hat brushing against his ear.
"Easy, now. No one's going ta hurt ye. 'E just wants ta know if ye're still alive and breathin', that's all. Calm yerself down now afore ye - umph!"
Kili slammed his head back into the side of the Goblin's jaw, the floppy hat flying off to the side as the owner swayed on his feet. Kili ducked under his grip and managed two steps before he found himself on the floor, writhing as glowing orange spears were driven through his feet. More hands grabbed him and forced him to the ground, holding him down as the Goblins continued to stab their fiery darts through the arches of his feet.
"Kili!" Panicked tears choked the voice of a woman. He knew that voice! Somewhere it had haunted his dreams, pulling him to the warm comforts of firelight and jade blue marbles rolling on the dusty floor of a small cabin. He knew he must be close to oblivion now, for her voice was so near. "Kili, please, stop struggling!"
Baldor stepped closer and Kili screamed this time, a despairing, tormented cry torn from one who knew he had no hope left. "No! Y-you c-can't - What did I do wrong?"
"By Durin's Bane, Kili, snap out of it already!" Fili shouted, neglecting the shallow flow of blood from the bite in his arm as he pleaded for his brother to regain control.
It was too soon after the last episode, and Fili felt as though walls were closing in on him now as he watched Kili flail in wide eyed terror as Dwalin, Nori and Oin restrained him. Blood stained the back of his blue shirt in growing dark patches, yet in his panic Kili did not seem to notice the pain. Fili frantically glanced towards Beorn and Gandalf, shaking his head and waving them away.
"Just go!" he pleaded, no longer caring how rudely he was behaving towards their host. "You're only upsetting him further!"
He may as well have ordered the dragon Smaug to abandon his mountain. Beorn advanced in ponderous, undeterred footsteps, deaf to Kili's terrified sobs and the alarmed calls of those attempting to calm the hysterical Dwarf. Worry creased Beorn's forehead, as though he had found an injured bee in one of his meadows that called for his attention. Furious and belligerent in his fear for his brother, Fili tried to shove the Skinchanger away. Gloin reached forward and yanked Fili back, the younger Dwarf still yelling incoherently and kicking out as though he alone could protect Kili from the nightmare descending on him.
Kili abruptly stilled as Beorn knelt beside him, a violent tremor coursing through his frame. His face grew deathly pale and for an instant his breathing appeared to cease entirely. Beorn's expression was that of quiet concern as he reached one large hand out and placed it over Kili's forehead. For a long, agonizing moment Fili compared the picture to that of a Man he had watched tame a colt. Neither breaking nor starvation had quelled the rebel's spirit that coursed through the Unbreakable One's veins, yet the gentle touch of a stranger's hand had calmed its vivacious spirit to where it willingly allowed itself to be led away.
Neither defeat nor submission flickered in Kili's expression, yet before Fili's eyes the tension eased from his brother's shoulders and the fear died in his gaze. Blinking in slight perturb, Kili arched away and regarded Beorn's hand with curiosity; almost like a pony sniffing the outstretched fingers of a new stable hand, expecting a handful of sugar cubes as a truce. Beorn laughed, the resounding thunder of his voice filling the cabin. Rather than cower at the noise Kili narrowed his eyes and cast the Skinchanger a dour look, as though to demand the reason for his humor.
"This one is not lost," Beorn announced, "Only a little far away." He returned to his own business, leaving the Dwarrow to muddle through his cryptic statement.
Kili frowned sharply as he watched Beorn's departure, tearing his eyes away with an effort and looking to Fili for answers. The frenzy of the moment past him, Fili sat in shaking silence as the compounding stress finally reached its vantage point. Abruptly he rose to his feet and hastened to the door, ignoring Dis' sharp call as he escaped into the blinding sunlight and the open air. A gasp echoed behind him, followed by a sharp cry and the sounds of a brief struggle.
"Fili!"
His brother's heartbroken wail caused Fili to hesitate mid-stride and he looked anxiously behind him, torn between the urge to go back and reassure Kili, and the desperate need to sort through his own turmoil. Forcing himself to ignore the wretched plea, Fili broke into a run. He had no idea where he was going, but for the moment it did not matter. He just needed to get away from it all.
"Fili!"
Cringing at the brisk command in his Mother's shout, Fili skittered to a halt and waited for her to catch up. Contrary to his expectations, Dis did not chide him for his sudden flight. Wearied understanding reflected in her gaze as she folded her arms loosely and glanced around the small grove. A chilled breeze picked up, the warmth of early afternoon not yet enough to soften the bite of the wind. Droning shrilly, one large bee hovered too close to Dis and was sent fleeing for its life by a scathing glower cast in its direction. Fili shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, anxious for his Mother to speak her mind or release him.
Only after taking a moment as though to admire the boughs of fresh blossoms swaying in the wind did Dis gather her composure enough to speak in a softer, less reprimanding tone. "Fili, tell me what is going on."
With the opportunity to at last speak his mind, Fili found himself struggling for words. He clenched his fists spasmodically, pacing in his fervor as he searched himself for the proper reason why he felt he could not remain in the stuffy atmosphere of Beorn's cabin for another minute.
"It's just ..." Fili stammered, throwing his hands out when logic failed him. "It's one right after the other, Mum! He never gets any peace! One moment I think everything will be fine, and the next I'm trying to hold him down as he's ... screaming and - and - " With a ragged gasp he blurted out, "I don't know how much longer I can stand it!"
Her eyes full of understanding, Dis paused long enough for him to calm down marginally before interpreting, "Do you need a few days away from him?"
"No!" Fili denounced at once. "No, it's not like that at all!" Mahal, what have I implied? She can't separate us! Kili needs me, and I need him!
"I wish I could do something about it," Fili explained in a less dogmatic tone. "I know that he is in pain all the time; that he is scared and uncertain and he doesn't seem to believe he is free from the Goblin caverns. I don't blame him for it, Mum, but I hate feeling like I am helpless to prevent it. I hear him screaming at night and I know that it will go on and on and nothing I say will ever make any difference. Then he starts ... he starts shouting and struggling and - and crying when he is frightened..." With a shuddering breath Fili admitted softly, "I wanted Kili back so badly, Mum, but I don't even know him any more."
Dis sighed heavily, hugging herself as her own insecurities broke through. "I know this is hard for you," she said coaxingly, "As it is for all of us. Don't give up on him yet, Fili. Think about it; he has only just been reunited with a family he did not know he had. He is going to be frightened and uncertain around us. Nothing we can do will erase the memories of what the Goblins did to him. All we can do is be there for him, and pray we will eventually gain his trust.
"I am not asking you to do what is impossible for you," Dis added, stepping forward and laying a hand on Fili's shoulder. "Neither Thorin nor I can accept that this is the same little boy we lost years ago. But we have to try, Fili; for his sake as well as our own. I do not pretend that Kili's mind will ever be fully healed, because I know that is too much to ask. He is your brother, however, and he is my son, and we cannot allow our own turmoil to stand between that. Be there for him, Fili; that is all I ask."
Fili nodded curtly, unable to say anything more for fear of losing his composure. Memories swam in a distorted haze as he recalled flashes of the past: Kili's endearing smile as he launched himself at his Mother's legs; his startled expression just before he was caught in the face with a well packed snowball - courtesy of Thorin, who had an identical clump of melting slush clapped into his hair; the scribbled doodles during Balin's lessons, Orc wars before the fire, squeals of joy whenever Dis procured something delectable to eat...
Nothing recognizable could he see in his brother now, and that hurt Fili most of all. He wanted to dig into Kili's fevered mind and drag out the personality he was certain was buried away, hiding under the crack of whips and the clank of metal against stone. He wanted to see Kili again, yet every time he watched his brother cower at the slightest movement his hope was buried a little more.
How could he admit that he wanted to help his little brother, when he could not even stand to be in the same room when Kili suffered?
Dis regarded her son with compassionate, sorrowful eyes, slipping her hand off his shoulder and turning back towards the cabin. "Come back inside when you are ready?" she implored gently.
A difficult swallow and a sharp nod was her only reply. Fili listened to the swish of his Mother's boots fade away, the ensuing silence accomplishing little in settling his nerves. He paced for a few minutes, hoping to find something calming in the soft tittering of swallows and the rustle of the wind against leaves. The peaceful atmosphere only confirmed his inner fervency; he had to return to his brother.
The transfer from frigid air and brilliant sunlight to the warm, ruddy glow of the firelight caught Fili off guard, and he blinked momentarily in the darker atmosphere of Beorn's cabin. Instantly he sought out his brother. Relief caused him to sway on his feet when he saw Kili lying on the other side of the room, listening in rapt attention to rumble of Gloin's voice as the elder relayed the tale of Aulë and the creation of his children.
"You have heard of Aulë?" Gloin ascertained, pausing his story momentarily to ensure his young pupil was still concentrating.
Kili stuttered and glanced hastily around, flustering for an answer that was satisfactory. "I - I know him," he stammered, "It - he's that one, isn't he?"
Gloin followed Kili's trembling finger, chuckling when he followed the anxious Dwarf's line of sight to Gandalf. "That would be our frequently absent wizard, Kili," he corrected. "Gandalf the Grey; and take care not to bolster his ego by confusing him with the higher beings again."
"I ... I kn-knew that," Kili blustered, ducking his head and flushing in embarrassment.
Gloin humphed softly, shaking his head kindly and returning to his tale. Kili glanced to the doorway with a wistful expression, his eyes lighting up when he saw Fili standing there.
"Fili!" he gasped, a joyous smile spreading across his face as he tried to scramble to his hands and knees. Gloin's hand on his shoulder prevented this, and with a worried look Kili settled down and searched his brother's expression.
'Forgiven?' his dark eyes pleaded, tremulous hope filling his gaze.
A crooked smile found its way to Fili's lips and the peace returned to Kili's eyes as his brother sauntered over and plopped down to sit cross legged behind him. Kili wriggled back a little and laid his head on Fili's knee, closing his eyes momentarily before regarding his brother with tearful gratitude.
I thought you had left me.
You know I'll never leave you alone, Kili.
Don't go away?
I'll be here. Always.
Sighing in content, Kili returned his attention to Gloin's wondrous tales. Together, resting in the peace of having each other's company once more, the young Dwarrow listened in captivated wonder as the father of another relayed the legends of pride and glory, of sorrow and renewal, and the steadfast courage of the children of Aule.
That should be the last major panic attack for a while. Poor Kili needs a break for a chapter or two, and the Muses are threatening to abandon their angst inspiration for a while so they can vacation with the returning sun. So, with all due ceremony, on to the fluff! ;)