Forsaken In My Mind's Past

Chapter 11, "Never Think" ~ Robert 'effing' Pattinson

Bella's POV, continued…

*A/N: Humongous kudos to my 2 ridiculously amazing betas- THEsnapcrakklepop, and Love Of Escapism. Much love, sisters, much love! While I normally post the lyrics to the songs at the beginning of the chapter, they are not included in the beginning here for a very specific reason, that you will understand after you start to read the chapter…so you better get to it, and read already! Buahaha! I hope you're checking out my profile for links. Virtual snugglies to my loyal readers and reviewers.

Song Link, Never Think: www . youtube . com /watch?v=11u7O-hYMRg

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Like I said before, Stephenie Meyer owns the twilight saga and the characters, and I'm all hers as well, if she wants me! LOL! Dude. Don't copy my story, ok? Peace. ©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

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I crossed my arms over my chest and looked up at him through my lashes, scowling. I was trembling inside but I wasn't about to show him that I was freaking-the fuck-out.

Why would he lock the door? What could he possibly be thinking? Was he even thinking at all?

I was confused and didn't know what to think about the crazy way he'd been acting since we arrived at the hospital…the almost empty hospital. Nothing was making sense. He didn't need to get supplies for Carlisle. The more I thought about it, the more irate I became. He was fucking with me. He was playing with my emotions, toying with me.

How could he be such a callous prick after what he had witnessed at the bar?

I didn't know what the hell sort of a game he had going on at the moment, but I had enough. He probably had some bet with the guys to see how badly he could scare me tonight or something.

Well screw him!

What did he think?Did he think that I had stupid mofo written across my forehead?

You know what, I've just fucking had it with asshole men thinking they're smarter than me and better than me, condescending me every fucking chance they got. Who the fuck did they think they were? All of them. They could pretty much just bend over and kiss my ass because I was done with it. I was bringing out the bitch and they were going to regret every little arrogant comment they'd made to me. This bitch, by the way, was not above a homicidal rampage on a few pompous motherfuckers either.

Before I knew it, I had gotten myself so worked up with the rage in my thoughts that I was shaking.

And suddenly, I just blew up.

"Edward, what the FUCK?What the fuck is going on? First off, my fucking hand that you said was broken, doesn't hurt anymore…isn't swollen anymore, and it isn't even bruised. Secondly, where the HELL is everyone? It's like a damned ghost-hospital around here! Does anyone work at two in the morning at this place?

"And now, NOW, you've got me in this fucking CLOSET getting things…" as I raised my fingers, sarcastically making a quotation mark gesture. "…for Carlisle. AND you locked the door! You locked the fucking DOOR! What the hell do you think you're doing, huh? I don't know what kind of game you have going on here, but I'm not fucking playing! Do you understand me? You think you can SCARE me? Ha! You've got another thing coming, fucker! Do you think I'm stupi—"

"Oh!"

I gasped and held my breath. He'd stopped my ranting right in its tracks because suddenly, he was right in front of me, his breath poured over me.

My knees started to buckle.

I locked them in place as I tried to focus.

Christ, his face was not one inch from mine.

He was eye to eye with me and if I had blinked, I could have probably brushed his eyelashes with mine.

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around what was going on. I was confused, and frankly, getting more and more pissed off. Not to mention the fact that I was slowly getting turned on by our close proximity and his all-around presence, which actually pissed me of even more; the fact that I couldn't control my body's reaction to him, especially when I was this annoyed.

I continued to seethe, that is, until I actually looked into his eyes.

They were on fire.

I could almost feel the heat emanatingfrom them as they bore into mine. The fire was infectious, and it caused mine to burn right along with his. We were frozen in time for a moment until he whispered to me and I nearly came unglued at the desperate sound of his voice.

"Bella."

He let out a breath, and licked his lips.

I could feel his breath on my mouth, the heat of his skin, and the fire in his eyes burning through my very soul. I watched his tongue as it darted out and swept across his beautiful, slightly open mouth.

Oh. Fuck.

I felt dizzy, as if I was about to faint, and my heart jumped to my throat in about an eighth of a second. I could feel myself begin to flush. It started at the tip of my head and traveled downward, spreading over my stunned face, continuing farther down my neck. It spread the length of my arms and began shooting out of my fingers. It crept down my chest - I felt my nipples tighten as it passed over them - and continued down my torso until it stopped at the center of my core…right between my thighs.

I closed my eyes and gulped, trying to gain control of my now erratic breathing.

How could he have this sort of effect on me? How could I allow him to have this sort of effect on me? How could his simple presence and the utter of my name under his breath get me this worked up when I was so fucking angry with him mere seconds before?

This is ridiculous! I screamed in my head. Pull yourself together, Bella, he is f-u-c-k-i-n-g with you!

I tried to convince myself of this, but his actions were taking me in a completely different direction.

He placed his hands on the sides of my head and lightly brushed his thumbs across my closed eyelids, which flew open at his touch. I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything but stare at him in complete shock.

He let out a ragged breath as he spoke.

"C—can you ever forgive me for what I did to you? I—I need you to…so much, Bella. I can't take it anymore; I need you…so badly. I need you in my life. God…please say you'll forgive me."

I could see the moisture starting to pool on the bottom of his eyelids and I couldn't think straight. There were absolutely, unequivocally zero words to describe how overwhelming he was… his eyes, his scent, his body oh, so close to mine.

"Edward, I," I started to choke out.

His lips suddenly cut me off as they met mine, soft and gentle.

I gasped.

I felt like there had been no air in my lungs until his lips touched mine, and now they were fuller than they had ever been. My whole body came alive. I could feel every centimeter of my skin; I began to tingle in places I didn't even know I had nerve endings.

What this man did to me, both mentally and physically, especially physically, could only be explained by the feeling of standing in the middle of an erupting volcano and feeling no pain, just feeling the awe of it. Feeling the heat and sparks of fire all around you as it gave you life, gave you an energy that was simply supernatural.

He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking it lightly before he let it go and pulled away, but never breaking physical contact with me.

He then rested his forehead on mine and smiled, his eyelids fluttering closed.

As I looked at him, his closed eyes and beautifully curled up lashes making him resemble an angel, he sucked in another ragged breath.

I was bathing in his scent; my stomach was doing flip after flip after flip. The warmth that had pooled between my now trembling thighs exploded into a fire. I was nothing more than a massive fireball, a blaze of want and need.

"Do you remember," he stammered a little as he spoke during his breaths. "Do you remember the song I wrote for you?"

I did remember the song.

How could I have forgotten it?

It was an amazing song, one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard and when he sang it, I could barely hold myself together. The emotion that particular song evoked in me was a force to be reckoned with. This song…this song could bring me to tears in no time at all.

I didn't want to answer him. I didn't want to think about the song.

Why was he making me think about it? He knew what it did to me; at least I thought he knew. I couldn't understand why he would be so cruel to me. He had never been cruel to me before, even after we broke up, but I never gave him the chance either. Why would he have been cruel now?

A voice inside my head pierced through at that precise moment.

He's not being cruel, Bella. He's sincere. Look at him, he means what he's saying.

Goddamn the voice, because I couldn't argue with it. I had to believe that he was being straight with me. As much as I wanted to remain jaded and bitter, I knew I could no longer justify my irrational feeling of some underlying agenda I thought he might have.

When I finally gave in to my inner conflict and began to believe what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing, I looked up at him again. The warmth spread over me for the second time. I found my voice, still barely able to choke out words.

"Y—yes," I whispered, not at all sure if I even said it aloud. He opened his eyes and the emeralds burned into me once again.

Suddenly, he began to sing.

Oh God.

He began to sing it! I didn't think I could handle it. Fuck! I could barely handle him singing to me when we were together, let alone now, when I didn't even know what the hell was going on. Oh, this son-of-a-bitch was laying it on thick. He knew what this did to me.

I started back peddling in my head. If he was trying to play with me, he knew - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that this would have me melting in his arms like butter in no time.

I could feel myself losing control, losing all sense of what was right and what was wrong, what was up and what was down. I didn't even know what was true and what was false.

I felt vertigo.

The walls seemed to be closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. I wanted him to be sincere so badly…but then I didn't. It was easier to be angry with him, to hold a grudge and be bitter…jaded. I'd been that way for so long now; it was just my go-to emotion.

When in doubt…Bella got pissed.

I could feel myself slipping back into the hard, furious shell I hid behind when it came to Edward. I began to gnash my teeth at the only truth I could let myself believe.

He had to be fucking with me, he just had to.

My frail mental state would simply be unable to process it, to comprehend that what he was saying wasn't just hollow words.

I just didn't know what he was doing, and if I didn't know, I, of course, reverted back to - when in doubt, Bella gets pissed. Whether it was irrational of me or not, I could feel the rage begin to build in me again. Just as I was on the verge of another violent outburst, my inner voice spoke to me again.

Bella, you have to calm down and think about this. Think about the club. He wasn't being the prick at the club. You know who was being the prick. Edward was helping you. Look at his face!

I did, even though I didn't want to. The voice continued.

Did you even hear what he just said to you? He still feels guilty about what happened a lifetime ago. Maybe this is the only way he knows he can get you to listen to him. Just…give him a chance. Give him a chance.

I said that over and over to myself. Give him a chance. I was so scared that I would be wrong, but I listened to myself and opened my eyes, my ears and- more importantly- my heart. I allowed myself to truly hear him for the first time without anger, hurt and trepidation.

I let the memories flood me, consume me, and it felt like home. It wasn't the stabbing pain that I had imagined it would be if I'd ever heard that song again. It felt like the beach on Lake Michigan, where he had sung it to me for the first time, the whoosh of the incoming waves, the warm breeze coming off of the enormous lake, the seagulls squawking as they joined one another on the sand, and the sunset- throwing brilliant colors into the twilight sky.

I was inundated with feelings I hadn't allowed myself to feel in such a long time. Suddenly we were back there, on the beach. We were no longer in this closet or room full of medical supplies in an empty hospital and I was in love with him again. I was alive again, his voice had acted as a defibrillator, restarting and regenerating my lifeless heart.

As he began to sing to me, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into him.

His sexy, raspy, soulful voice shattered any reserve I had left in my body. I felt week and dizzy but God, I didn't want him to stop, unless it was to put his lips back on mine. He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, and the angelic sound overtook me.

"I should never think…what's in your heart…

what's in our home…It's all I want…

"You'll learn to hate me…

but still call me ba-by…"

And his perfect mouth curled up into a grin as he sang that line.

Oh, he was fucking killing me.

"Oh, love…So call me by my name…

And…save your soul…

"Save your soul…before you're too far gone…

Before nothing…can be done…

"I'll try to decide when…

She'll lie in the end…"

My breath caught again, because this line struck me. I probably would. I had been…lying to myself all this time. He opened his eyes and stared into mine again, continuing, as he began to sway us from side to side.

"I ain't got no fight left in me in this whole damn world…

I said hold off…you choose to hold on…"

He closed his eyes and licked his lips again.

I was coming undone.

"It's the one thing that I've known…"

He continued.

"Once I put my coat on…

I'm coming out in this all wrong…

She's standing outside holding me…

Saying 'oh please…I'm in love'…

I'm in love…"

Once he sang that line, it was all over for me. My mind was nothing more than absolute mush. My body screamed for me to wrap myself around him and never let go. "I'm in love," was all I needed to hear him say and it didn't matter that he was singing the lyrics of a song. He was singing it to me. The only interpretation I could make at the time was that he was in love. Irrational and delusional, yes, but again, I didn't care.

My body pulsed with pure, unadulterated lust, but my ears rebelled, wanting to continue to hear him as his voice lulled me relentlessly.

"Girl…save your soul…

Save your soul…

Before you're too far gone…

Before nothing can be done."

I tried desperately to keep it together.

"'Cause without me…you got it all…

So hold on…

Without me you got it all…

So hold on…

Without me you got it all…

So hold…on."

It was all just too much, the want, the burning desire I had to attack him and make him take me in return. He held my forehead to his, smiling. He had opened his eyes by then, and I was lost in them.

God, he's so fucking beautiful.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by his presence, his voice, his expression. Whether he knew it or not, I was completely under his spell.

"Bella," he whispered again, his voice thick with fervor.

I could get nothing to come out of my mouth, so I simply responded, "Mmm?" My eyes were heavy and hooded, mostly from the lust pouring out of me, but also from the lull of his voice.

"Bella, look at me, baby." My fucking breath hitched when he said 'baby', and I did just that. What I saw nearly brought me to my knees and there was no turning back for me.

The lone tear that had escaped his eye, rolled slowly over the curve of his cheekbone as he leaned over, gently kissing my forehead. I closed my eyes, but they flew open in complete shock as the following words fell from his lips.

"Bella. I—I love you."

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*Chapter End Notes: How many of you listened to the song while you read. *le-fucking-sigh* The man never ceases to amaze me, or my body parts for that matter. *clears throat* Okay then, what do we think is going to happen next? We shall see. Reviews get you a serenade from the good Doctor Edward.