13: Discussion, Determination, Definition

Finn paces around the locker room, sometimes opening and closing his locker. Not that there's anything in there he needs, it just an excuse to slam the thing closed.

He groans in frustration and aims a kick at the thin metal. "Fuck!"

It doesn't do much more than hurt his toe, which is unfair, because he's pretty sure relieving his issues on inanimate objects is meant to make him feel at least a little better. And it's not.

"Finn?"

Finn looks over his shoulder in shock and some degree of panic, but he relaxes when he realizes it's Puck. "Hey," he says. "Don't mind me. Just acting like a psycho bastard to the lockers; not a big deal."

Puck shakes his head. "Dude, it's cool. You have every right to be freaking like a bitch... What are you gonna do?"

Finn shrugs. "I dunno," he says. "I mean, what is there to do?"

"Kick Hummel's ass? Or just, y'know, kill him," Puck suggests. Finn feels like that should be a joke, but when he looks Puck in the eye, he can see that Puck means it.

"It's not his fault," Finn says. Then something seems to snap behind Puck's eyes.

"Are you fucking serious?" he yells. Fin can't help but flinch. "That guy fucking raped you, man; we've gotta make the little asshole pay for it–"

"No!" Finn says. "Were you paying attention? He didn't... I mean, he was drunk, and I asked him – it wasn't his fault. It wasn't a..."

Puck snorts. "You actually believe that bullshit?"

Finn glares at him. "Yes," he says. "Dude, it's Kurt. He's not perfect – he's pulled some creepy shit in the past, and this probably wasn't his best move ever – but he's not a rapist."

"Uh. Yeah," Puck says dryly. "Let's just forget about the you were raped thing. If you were going to go back on saying that as soon as you got some news you didn't like, why'd you even use that name in the first place? Or were you just too ashamed of having had homosex that you just tried to pretend it so wasn't your fault and make us all feel sorry for you, and now your boyfriend's been found out–"

"Shut the fuck up!" Finn slammed him up against the locker in a moment of blind rage. "You have no idea what I'm going through; what this means. Do you know what it's like, feeling some bastard inside you every second of every day? Being scared to fall asleep because you can't be vulnerable like that again? Keeping your razors in the bathroom like, a hundred feet away, because you don't trust yourself not to completely break down in some depressive fit and off yourself? Believe me – I would not have said it was rape unless I thought it."

"Sorry," says Puck. "I didn't mean – and what does that have to do with–"

"Puck. I am trying really hard to stay sane and rational about this," Finn says. "Believe me, I would love to hate Kurt for it. I want to kill him for doing this to me; I want to believe he was some sort of evil monster, going out of his way to destroy me. But I am better than that, and I know I need to stay calm, look at this logically, or otherwise I haven't a chance. You can wallow in your homophobic assumptions he would all you want, but I am better than that. I have to be."

Finn drops his hands from Puck's shoulders and turns back around, fighting the urge to cry. He hears Puck sigh from behind him.

"I'm just trying to protect you, dude," he says. "Look, I don't care if you think it makes me a homophobe or whatever. You're my best friend, and I won't let someone – anyone – do that to you and just get away with it. I shouldn't."

Finn's a bit touched, but he can't give into that now. He gives Puck any encouragement and it'll get Kurt killed. "Fine," he says with a glare, as he turns back around. "You wanna protect me? Then for the love of god, don't do something stupid. Listen to what I think, not your own fucked up brain. This happened to me, not you, and you have no right to try your whole revenge thing if I don't want you to. And just don't tell anyone."

Puck nods. "Okay. That's that then," he sounds defeated. He starts to head for the door. "Look, dude, I know you're pissed at me right now, but..." he swings it open, "...I'm still here for you. Like, if you need me. But not in a gay way."

He walks out, and Finn breathes heavily. He collapses on one of the benches.

"Finn?"

Finn does his best not to jump at the hand on his shoulder, and looks up to see whoever it belongs to. "Mr. Schue?" he asks. "What are you doing here?"

Schue sighs and sits down next to him. "I was worried about you," he says. "Given, well..."

Finn nods. "Makes sense."

There's an awkward pause. "Are you doing okay? I mean, as much as you could be?"

Finn hesitates. "...Not really, no," he admits. "I mean... It still just sucks. It's always felt like that, of course, but if anything it's even worse now, because... hey, it's Kurt. You know?"

Mr. Schue doesn't say anything, but he reaches a hand up to pat Finn comfortingly on the shoulder. He looks like he's not sure it's a good idea, but Finn leans to it. It's nice.

He bitterly laughs, just a little. "I think I'm meant to feel better now. I mean, it wasn't like I was actually raped, right? So I should just snap out of it and be like 'no harm, no foul'. But no," he pauses. "I still feel like shit. I still feel all rotten and dirty and torn to pieces. But now I don't even get to hate anyone for it; not even some imaginary evil bastard. Because hey – Kurt didn't mean to hurt me. It was just... one really, really fucked up accident."

"...So... You believe him, then? About you consenting, but you just don't remember the incident?"

Finn turns to glare at him. "Yes. And if you're going to give me some bullshit about how I shouldn't like Puck did, I swear I'll–"

"No, no," Mr. Schue says. He looks a little taken aback. "I can't pass judgment on what you should and shouldn't believe; this isn't about me, and I can't make that call. I just wanted to know what you thought... so I wouldn't do something that'd hurt you."

Finn nods. "Okay, cool. I mean, I'm not sure you should change want you think is the right thing to do because of what I think – 'cause I'm more than a little biased, after all – but..."

He trails off into silence, and Mr. Schue doesn't ask him to say anything more. He just sits there, comfortingly patting Finn on the shoulder.

"Hopefully this isn't too insensitive, but – I'll admit, I'm more than a little surprised by you and Kurt sleeping together," Schue says. Finn shrugs.

"I thought about it sometimes," he admits. "Not really in a sexy way, but..." that doesn't really make sense on it's own, so he takes a deep breath and tries to explain. "I used to wonder if it would be a good idea. I mean, I saw the way Kurt used to look at me, even when he was 'meant' to be over it. And I just thought... maybe, if I slept with him, just once, it'd let him get me out of his system. Move on. Plus, it would kind of make up for what a dick I've been about it in the past."

Schue nods. "Okay. You're definitely not the first person to ever think like that – it hardly ever works, but..."

Finn shrugs. "Well, I suck."

"No, you don't," Mr. Schuester says. "Look, I just wanted you to know... I can't pretend I can even imagine what you're going through right now. None of us can. But you have... so many people who care about you, and will do anything to stop you getting hurt even more. We want to help, Finn."

Finn just nods. "Okay," he says.

Mr. Schue sighs. "I can leave if you want?" he offers. "I mean, if you want to be alone for awhile..."

Finn shakes his head. "No," he says, and then leans onto Mr. Schue's shoulder. "I mean, if you don't have to go do anything... I'd kind of like you to stay."

Mr. Schue just nods, and stay he does, with Finn lying against his shoulder and staring into the distance.